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The eclipse trip didn't go as I expected

Cutter's picture

We got there Saturday afternoon and checked into the hotel at 3. His kids claimed one room and ds and I went to the other. We were on different floors and on the other side of the hotel from each other. After ds and I dropped all our stuff off and went to their room they were already in their bathing suits to go swim. I had wanted to walk around Helen for a while since I heard how breath taking the Alpine village is. I told SO I'd like it if we could go walk around and he said he already told the kids they could swim. I asked his kids if they wanted to go walk around and they said they wanted to swim first. Ds was excited because he really wanted to swim with them but they pretty much ignored him and ds made the mistake of jumping on So's yds back. He flung him off and splashed him and told him not to touch him. I told ds to leave him alone and I could tell ds was upset. After 2 1/2 hours I got them out and we headed into the village to window shop and have dinner.

Well So's dd had brought money to shop so instead of casually walking around just looking at things we had to go into all the stores and help her decide what she wanted. She brought $200. I asked SO if she should spend that much and he said she earned the money babysitting so she could spend it how she wanted. I was bored and ds was bored, we aren't shoppers. SO's sons bought candy from Hansel and Gretel's candy shop and shared it between themselves and So. The didn't offer any to ds and I know he wanted some. I bought ds his own and when he tried to share with them they didn't want any of his. I could tell he felt left out. By 7 I was starving and I wanted to eat in the village but his kids wanted pizza which ds chimed in on wanting. I didn't want to upset everyone so we ordered pizza and went back to the rooms. SO invited us to their room to eat and watch tv. His kids were so hyped up on candy that they gave me a headache. They were nicer to ds and included him in on their rowdiness, which was nice for ds.

Sunday his kids slept in so, So, I and ds went to breakfast and walked around waiting for them to get up. At 11 I was annoyed and told So that I was going to go ahead and take ds tubing and they could come later (the plan was we all go). He said to wait and went and got his kids up. They had to get ready and eat so they weren't ready till 12:30. By then ds was hungry and i had another headache. I got ds something to eat and we left to go tube. His boys latched their tubes together and when I suggested ds latch to them they said no and when I turned around SO and his daughter were latched. I suggested to SO that ds and his dd be latched so him and I could latch together and float down. His dd threw a fit insisting she didn't want to be latched to ds and that she asked SO first and he said yes. I floated down with ds and we were by ourselves because SO and his kids floated down faster. When we got to the bottom I wanted to go again with SO this time but his dd said she was on her period and needed to change her tampon. I couldn't believe she said that in front of her dad and brothers. I was embarrassed for her. So we had to leave. I thought we could have a snack and come back but she complained she was cramping and she needed to rest. SO told me to take ds and go back but they were going to stay and let her rest. We decided to stay with them since this is supposed to be a family vacation. After a few hours his kids started complaining they were bored and hungry so we went to dinner.

I suggested a place i had seen the night before and we went there. Once our food came the kids were cutting up and having a great time and SO was grinning from ear to ear. It felt like we could do this!!! After dinner SO wanted to try a beer so we went over to the live band area and had a beer and then next thing I know him and his dd were out there dancing together. I went out there with ds and we danced. Eventually SO cut in and then him and I danced. His dd took a ton of pictures and posted them online saying things like #relationship goals and #love. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it.

Sunday we got up and had breakfast and went to set up and watch the eclipse. The kids went off exploring and SO and I got some us time. When the eclipse hit totality everyone cheered and screamed. It was amazing. We packed up at soon as it peaked and tried to beat traffic. It took us 6 hours to get home. His kids whined and complained the whole time. His dd constantly needed to pee and change her tampon (I wonder if I need to talk to her about not saying that?) By the time he dropped ds and I off we were both mentally and physically exhausted. I still have a headache. His kids are great and all but this weekend was an eye opening experience.

Comments

WalkOnBy's picture

"His kids are great and all but this weekend was an eye opening experience."

doesn't sound like great kids to me, nor does it sound like a good time.

Cutter's picture

They weren't all that bad just normal kid stuff. I don't know. I expected more meshing and family - ness.

Disneyfan's picture

But you are not a family. You are dating a man who had made it clear that he isn't looking for a wife or to have a SO move in with him and his children.

Your vacation turned out to be exactly what it was: 2 separate families traveling together.

Cutter's picture

We're giving it a go to see how it works. We are camping over Labor day weekend so we'll see how that goes.

IDontCare3117's picture

You're trying to force a lot of things here and it's a recipe for disaster. It really seems you're trying to prove to your boyfriend what a great little family all of you would make. He's been perfectly clear he's not going to break his promise to his deceased wife about not moving a woman in with his kids. If you can wait until his kids are launched, go for it. He isn't giving any indication he's going to change his mind.

Cutter's picture

He has given some. I told him I can't put my life on hold to wait so he agreed to some trips to see how we blend.

Livingoutloud's picture

It sounded like vacation from he$$ to me. I would need a vacation after this kind of vacation

AshMar654's picture

Sounds like some bad moments in there. While a lot of this does sound normal kid behavior it would be your SO that I would be concerned about. Really seems like he puts his DD's needs above yours. Just an observation from what you are posting. Not saying this will not change just to be aware and to keep an eye out for it all.

Blending families takes time. This seemed like a nice test to see where you all stand and how things are going. Your son is younger than the other boys so may find him annoying right now just give it time.

Sorry for the headache hopefully you and SO can take a couple only trip soon. Even if it is just for one night. All couples need time for just the two of them.

Good luck.

Cutter's picture

I felt like he did to. I would have asked her why she wasn't prepared and brought extra knowing we would be in the water.

IDontCare3117's picture

Do yourself a favor and don't get involved in his daughter's menstrual cycle. If the two of them don't mind her advertising she's on her period, let it go. The only thing you might get away with is asking her not to talk about such a personal matter in front of you.

Cutter's picture

I don't know, it seems she needs someone to tell her not to talk about it in public.

IDontCare3117's picture

If her father didn't tell her not to talk about her period publicly, then it's not your place. Say something to him, and he can address it with her. Teenage girls these days aren't shy about sharing this kind of information. I'm not a fan of it, personally.

AshMar654's picture

She is a teenage girl who does not think far ahead. She is hormonal and and will be all over the place with her emotions. While I think she should know to be a little more discrete about her personal things she will continue to be like this. Are you prepared for the emotional roller coaster that is too come. Besides just a teenage girl she lost her mom as well.

Your SO is the one who will really need to have a talk with her. I think maybe you should try talking to him about you feel but this is new for him too. You are the first woman, (I might be wrong here) that he has really tried to get his kids use to. He is scared as well because they already lost a mom. I am sure he skeptical and taking it slow because he does not want to have kids with broken hearts again.

Talk to him tell him that you felt a little left out on this trip. Maybe ask on the next trip before you say yes to your son or before he says yes to his kids you two discuss it and make the decision together on what to do. Just talk to him and be honest and open. I sounds like the trip was really not that bad.

Also maybe she was excited for you to be there as woman and giving your feedback while she was shopping. She is a 13 year old girl with all boys around her and no mom. I will not lie this relationship will have many ups and downs and emotions will be high for everyone involved. You need to ask yourself if you can have the patience and the thick skin for all the things that may come with three kids that have lost a parent.

advice.only2's picture

Well it appears the DD is comfortable enough around you and your BS to share all of her personal bodily functions and you are comfortable enough to come and share it here with us...so I think you guys will be fine, sounds like you are already blending beautifully...#relationship goals.

IDontCare3117's picture

I don't understand these teenage girls who want to take out a neon sign when they are having their periods. Absolutely NO decorum.

Cutter's picture

I was so embarrassed for her, I feel like I need to pull her aside and let her know she shouldn't be saying these things. Should I check with So first or just give her some womanly advice?

IDontCare3117's picture

See my above post. Don't get involved with this issue. Your boyfriend can speak to her if he sees fit.

DaizyDuke's picture

Hate to say it, but we told you so. But continue trying to force your SO and skids to be one big happy family and see how that works out for you. I feel bad for your DS, that he has to be drug along on this quest to "change your SO" Sad

zerostepdrama's picture

Sounds like every trip I have ever taken with DH and his kids and my BS. Which was a total of 3 trips. I guess I needed to do it 3 times to realize- Yep this is truly hell.

Glad you enjoyed the eclipse experience.

secondplace's picture

"The eclipse trip didn't go as I expected"

Actually, it kinda did.

Cutter's picture

Not in the way you are thinking. I expected SO and I to be a team and lead our players. Instead I was left following behind which was unacceptable to me. That is what I didn't expect. I think he was so nervous about his kids that he went out of character and allowed them to rule because he was worried how they were feeling. If this is his norm then this isn't going to work but nothing I have seen has indicated that it is.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Have you considered that your SO preferred you all to act like 2 families vacationing together and NOT like a team? That he may have preferred leading HIS children while you lead YOUR child??

At this point, it may still be too soon for him to be any more involved with you and your son because he still intends to keep that promise to his deceased wife.

I've said it before... it honestly seems like you are determined to push forward when he is uncomfortable doing so. You and he are definitely moving at the same pace.

Disneyfan's picture

"If this is his norm then this isn't going to work but nothing I have seen has indicated that it is."

LOLLOLLOL

I must be crazy,but if I wanted a husband, and the man I was dating told me that living with him wasn't an option, that would be enough for me to that THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK

Cutter's picture

Not living together right now because of his promise to his dead wife. We are slowly working through this, others have pointed out that 8 months together is a short amount of time and my expectations may have been off. I can respect that and admit when I am wrong. As long as we are moving forward I am okay. If we stop then decisions will have to be made.

Disneyfan's picture

Did he TELL you that he wants to work through this?

Or did he tell you that he's keeping his promise and that he is perfectly fine with the current situation?

Is this working through and moving forward stuff a MY plan or a WE plan?

Cutter's picture

I let him know what I needed to stay in this relationship and he agreed to move forward with me.

WagiMorri's picture

So you're dating a man who is still in a committed relationship with another woman?

IDontCare3117's picture

Are you both slowly working through this, or are you getting your hopes up and seeing only what you want to see in the situation? I'm inclined to think it's the latter. It's completely your choice if you want to date this man. I don't think it's going to end up with you living together or in a marriage proposal, at least not any time soon. He's been honest and upfront about his promise to his first wife. You'd be wise to take it at face value.

You need to finish raising your child, he needs to finish raising his children. The more you post the more it really seems you're trying to convince him of what a splendid idea it is for y'all to be together and blend your families. If you have convince someone to be with you, chances are they aren't the right person for you.

Livingoutloud's picture

Since you aren't married or engaged or even cohabiting, you are simply dating, So it's unreasonable to expect to be a "family" with someone you date (for only 8 months!) and his kids. You can still have a good time though.

Neither you nor your son had a good time though. I mean is it worth it to suffer like this? What for? SO isn't interested in commitment or being a family with you. its unrealistic to try change grown people into somebody they aren't.

He doesn't want to live with you or marry you. I think trying to persuade him otherwise is just kind of degrading for you. Surely there are men out there whom you don't need to pursue and convince in anything.

Stepped in what momma's picture

I have to wonder what kind of woman your SO was married to that would make him promise to never let another woman live with them. Seems like a whacko if you ask me. If I died I'd want my SO to move on with a meaningful relationship with someone else because I love him that much, I wouldn't want him to be alone, I'd want him to go to all the places his heart desires with someone else, some else to share his secrets with, someone else to take care of him if he was sick, etc., after all if we aren't happy then how do you make kids happy? His ex sounds like she is still controlling him from the grave.

Stepped in what momma's picture

I also have to wonder why in the world someone would even promise something like that, just seems really unrealistic. If my SO told me today he had cancer and if he died he wouldn't want me to move on I would have to be honest with him.

Livingoutloud's picture

Men who don't want to commit sometimes go to great length to invent excuses why they can't commit. Who knows what really happened age how his late wife worded: promise you will not live with wackos or live with them unmarried or let them mistreat our kids etc He interprets it to his advantage

IDontCare3117's picture

The boyfriend has dated since his wife died. He hasn't been without companionship. The first wife asked that he not move a woman in with her kids, and raise them. He seems content too honor the wish, and he's been upfront about that. There's nothing preventing them from taking trips and whatever else. It's problematic OP wants to live together or get married, and that doesn't appear to be this guy's plan.

MollyBrown's picture

I know you don't want to hear this, but I worry your in for a world of hurt.

Hennypenny's picture

Eight months is way too early for "family" trips. And definitely too early To expect a sibling relationship between kids. The fact that they were civil at all is amazing to me.

Stop forcing things. You are putting all those kids in a very difficult situation, including you son. I don't even have my own kids to blend and. we still waited over a year before I met his. What is the huge rush?

Harry's picture

You have to except, that he will never change. This is the way it hoping to be. His kids will come first, he will do what ever that want, when they want and where they want. You can follow and play second if you want and may be get a little loving or not.
Just strange that you were away for three days and there was no "LOVING " time. Didn't have time to do it someplace.
We used to go away with three kids, one room and still found time to do it

Harry's picture

You have to except, that he will never change. This is the way it hoping to be. His kids will come first, he will do what ever that want, when they want and where they want. You can follow and play second if you want and may be get a little loving or not.
Just strange that you were away for three days and there was no "LOVING " time. Didn't have time to do it someplace.
We used to go away with three kids, one room and still found time to do it