14SD issues.. Advice needed!!
Let me preface this by saying SD had a step mom before. Loved her. Previous SM died a year ago, march 1st from head trauma bc she drank heavily, fell, and gave herself a concussion(she wasnt supposed to drink at all as she had a liver transplant in her early childhood, but alas, she drank to the point of being Jaundice for MONTHS before she fell. She was already dying of liver failure.). SD also lost a grandpa, and a great-grandma all last year. It was rough, I get it. I understand it. SD was close to all three.
Fast forward from March, to November... Dating her father, they were living in a small duplex that was literally sinking into the ground. He and I hit it off really well, and we decided to move in (I know... SUPER fast. But their house was literally falling apart and I have a soft heart for people in need, and we agreed to take things slow, not sharing a room to make the transition easier.) together. I have a BS10. At first, everyone got along, no issues, the SD wanted to share all her pop figures and drawings, and a bunch of other random sh!t in her room.
...Till that fatefull day...
Her father informed her that we were dating. Thats when things took a weird turn.
We were on an outing, going to different stores, just perusing the ailes looking at random stuff and going grocery shopping. It started at SAMS. (Please tell me if I'm just overthinking this) We exited the vehicle and started walking towards the door. He and I were walking side by side, conversing. She walked behind us, but in the middle space. Eventually, she subtley pushed between us. Meanwhile, his whole other side was wide open. I didnt think anything of it, so I kept on. In SAMS, i took the lead and started shopping. They hung behind. I turned to ask him a question, and she had linked arms, like you would a date, on a cold night. They stayed like this the entire route through SAMS and back to the car. We then went to Hobby Lobby. Same thing. Wedged herself between us, linked and grasped on for dear life. We went out to eat. She raced from the door to sit next to him. Whilst eating, she had to go to the bathroom. Announced it, kissed him, left. Upon her return, she kissed him, again. (Never seen her do that before, when we went out, the many times that we did.) During this whole time, she was planning to go bowling with her friends that evening. We went one other place before going home, and she did the same thing.. clinging on for dear life, glued to his side.
Now, to me, this was a "claiming" ceremony. Her way of showing/telling me that he "belongs" to her.
i confronted him about her actions and he told me I was overthinking it, but would ask her about it. They left to take her to go bowling with her friends. Her excuse for her actions, that she told him? "I'm just tired."
What!? To me, that was a cop-out excuse. If she WAS tired, why go out with friends?
She ended up staying the night with those friends.
Fast forward to the other night (a lot of drama, bickering, back and forth, "you're too blunt and brash. You need to tone it down with the kids", "you need to walk on glass around her." "She had a rough last year." Has happened in between), she asked to go to a party that was 30 min away that she supposedly wasnt invited to, till last minute. I wasnt privvy to the invite, but I noticed she kept hovering about, and usually that means she wants something, Ive noticed. SO and I were outside, she came out and hovered again. Thats when he spilled the beans about the party, telling her she wasnt going bc it started already, she would miss half of it. "I asked Mom and she said she would take me." "So you went behind my back and asked your mom?" It exploded from there.
Me, being who I am... got in the middle and tried to diffuse the situation.
in Conclusion, she "hates being here", bc her dad reminds her of dead SM, she is uncomfortable, looses sleep, is stressed out, but has no reason of why she feels this way, nor what we can do to make it better."
ADVICE???
oh! Let me add, mom up and left for a year and a half, treated her like she wasnt even there when she visited, and then BM blamed her actions on her ex bf. Her bio mom is diagnosed with narcolepsy and narcissism.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but SO and his daughter
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but SO and his daughter should be living on their own. She needs to get through all of the grieving she needs to do before she is forced to welcome another mother figure into her life. She is also dealing with the other two deaths. Then her father was not honest about the fact he was dating you, which just added to her uncertainty about life. I am sure that on some level, she is afraid she is going to lose her father too, which explains her behavior. She was acting like a "mini-wife," which is never a good thing. Is she in any therapy?
If you continue to live together, you need to let him parent his daughter without you getting in the middle. She is going to resent any parenting that you try and do.
I agree also... they need to
I agree also... they need to get through a lot. She is also at a really tough age.. under any circumstance.. and you guys moved wayyyyyy too quickly.. I'm sure it's very confusing and unsettling for her.. and honestly.. not sure why he was moving so fast.. and if their house was in such bad shape.. you moved in with them? or they moved in with you..? I get he may have been struggling a bit himself over all the issues.. but he needed to learn to live and be with himself probably before rushing in to plug you into his dead Ex'es spot.
Answering questions....
She is in therapy, but she isnt being open or honest during her sessions, she admitted.
I typically do stay out of his parenting and the only reason I got involved was because they were having a shouting match on my front porch. I intervened and probed both of them as to why they were shouting at eachother and suggested different ways to communicate.
i lost my father, grandmother, and grandfather within a year when I was 13, so I CAN relate to her, on some level. I was close to all 3, as well. I never went to therapy and pretty much self soothed and came to terms that death is a part of life. I know everyone is different, grieves and mourns different, copes different... but that is why she is in therapy. To help.
They moved in with me, i own my home. The reason they moved in originally, was because both of us were struggling to pay bills, we were both single (we were friends at first), and the duplex they were renting was literally sinking into the ground. He can find another place, but not one so cheap, and it would pretty much put him in the same financial situation as before. So pretty much, changing the living situation is out.
Her BM is a narcissist and has been "working her magic" on her for the past 11.5yrs. BM has manipulated her, coerced her, etc. If you have lived with a narcissist, you know what I'm talking about. I have noticed strong vulnerable narcissistic tendencies in SD; Manipulation, gaslighting, playing the victim, and deflecting...
I do appreciate all your input.
You mention how poor his
You mention how poor his lifestyle would be if he moved out but so what? If he wants better then it should motivate him to do better. In fact that goes for everything in life not just financial things. All this high drama he brought into your life, is it worth it? Really worth it? Are you under the impression you can "save " them? It's not your job to do that.
Agree with Notsurehowtodeal
I agree she's hanging on to Dad for the reasons Notsurehowtodeal outlined above. For what it's worth, I did the exact same thing at age 3 when my widowed mom and stepdad were dating. I don't remember it but it's part of the family lore. I was probably afraid of losing some of her attention.
This girl has been thru a lot the past year or so. You might want to rethink whether you want to stick around for all the drama. You got into this fast though I realize you had kind intentions. Good luck.
I agree with the others.
I agree with the others. Although I'm guessing it wouldn't be easy to leave the relationship at the point. And would also be confusing for your son. At this point, it's hard to say what's causing SD's behaviour, but I would guess it has more to do with the idea of you, versus you. My DD was 12 when I started dating my DH, and it was not long after my split from her father. She made up her mind that she wasn't going to like my then-BF. I wouldn't say she was rude to him because I would have nipped that in the bud. But she put up an emotional wall that was palpable. He waited her out - didn't try to parent her and didn't go overboard trying to befriend her either. Just gave her time and space to feel her feelings. Today, over 13 years later, she adores him and his sure and steady presence has played a major role in supporting her through her father's death a year ago.
If you can't untangle at this point, my advice is to keep talking to your SO about it (without judgement of her, or his parenting), don't accept bad/ruse behaviour, but do give her space. And support SO. I can tell you from recent experience that watching your kids mourn such a huge loss is soul destroying. You're in for a rough time, and it may mean putting yourself second, or third, at times. So it's okay for you to walk away instead. Don't stay if you're not up for it.
Oh My!
What a terrible mess you and your SO have created. This 14 year old child lost her SM, whom she dearly loved, along with two grandparents and her dad thinks it's okay to move in with another woman 8 months later??? Add in the fact she has a BM who is a mess. And then you and her dad hit her with half truths and lies. What did you expect?
I agree with the others. You need to disolve this living arrangement asap. Your SO and his daughter need to be living alone to work through their grief and get healthy. With the things your SO is already saying, this is only going to get worse. And YOU need to stay out of the conflict between your SO and his daughter. You are doing nothing but throwing more fuel on the fire.
This child needs help, not more conflict. Please....you and your SO need to think about this child. What if it were YOUR son going through this exact thing??? What would YOU do? SMH
What a mess to be in
BF has to handle this.'it's on him not SD
She should be seeing someone to work on her problems. You must move out, let it go for a few months. Abd see what happens'. You can't live this way. And if someone doesn't force change it's just not going to chsnge
You rule, Harry!
Once again, Harry, short and right to the point. Well said.
ETA: You must move them out....
Mini Wives are hard enough.
Mini Wives are hard enough. Throw in all the other issues on top of that and it's a lose-lose situation IMO. I don't see how living together would have ANY benefits. Move out (and keep dating) if you want... but chalk it up to a loss and move on.
Advice? This entire shit show is a write off. Think about WTF
Advice? This entire shit show is a write off. Think about WTF are you doing to your own child.
You are modeling a comprehensive map of failure regarding parenting, adult relationships, tolerance of toxic behavior from a grieving teen, and pretty much anything and everything of what not to do in adult life and as a parent.
I get that you are a touch for people in need. You likely have a rescue complex. Not a bad thing, if you can maintain clarityand not le t fee fees cloud your connection with reality.
If choose to remain, and please don't stay, recognize the multi generational serial family failure that this man drags along as baggage, you are firm, require daddy to enforce clear and firm standards of behavior and standards of performance with his spawn.
If not, then the spawn and daddy have to be gone. For good.
Regardless this SD-14 needs aggressive and severe therapy intervention. A bat shit crazy mother, a loved but dead alcoholic SM, a daddy who continues to to destroy his own life and his daughter's life, and now you who played some misguided manipulation game whole playing house with her daddy. Get your own son some therapy as well. He will need it to get over this shit show experience.
IMHO of course.
Set some clear standards of quality for your own adult performance and for future partners. Do not tolerate anything less than compliance to the quality standards you set.
Take care of you. Take care of your own child. Give him a chance at some normalcy. We all owe ourselves the effort of living our best lives. Make that commitment to yourself. That can't happen in this nightmare situation. Learn from this experience, and move on.
Purge the failed man, failed partner, failed father, his XW and failed family spawn baggage from your life and from your young child's life.
Please.
Harsh I know. But, go back and read your above original post and answer it as if you are an uninvolved 3rd party asked for advice. Be honest. Then.... do that.