Initially, BM came on way too strong with me, acting like we’d be sister wives or something. It was creepy—she had no boundaries. She tried to rope me into keeping secrets from DH, as if my loyalty would be to her, not him. I had recognized for some time that she was about control and manipulation, but had no idea what was coming once we married. 

I am by nature one of the most unjealous (is that a word?), laid back people, which some people misinterpret as passive and boundary-less. I of course expected DH and BM to communicate--they were parents--although I knew BM was a drama queen. But I was not going to be sister-wife and BFF with the manipulator. I was not rude. I simply did not play. I remained civil, if not friendly. 

Once BM saw that I wasn’t going to play, she changed tactics. I suddenly did not exist. She heavily zeroed in on DH. The usual (somewhat annoying attention-seeking) calls ramped up — at his work, on his cell, many evenings at dinner time, and on Friday evenings. As we were leaving for a weekend getaway was always a popular time for a call about a fake crisis. Even though DH asked her (and the skids) to use our home phone, they did not. I had to be invisible. 

Which might have been fine except the bs was relentless. Constant made-up crises and, finally, full blown PAS; the skids withdrew from DH 6 months into our marriage with SD not speaking to him at all. Our "sin" was getting married. My sin was not allowing BM to lead me around through a ring in my nose. 

As I've mentioned in here before, two years in I was ready to file for divorce. DH and I separated. That's when he found a therapist--a psychologist who saw us for marriage counseling. This guy was onto BM immediately. He pointed out, “It sounds like BM still thinks she’s still married to you [DH], like she'd like to sleep between the two of you in your bed," (hurl)  He added something else that stuck with us: “She’s holding your daughter hostage. Do what she wants and she'll release her."  (And he gave DH ideas on how to deal with this.)

He gave us a strategy to deal with all of this. For one, BM had to communicate with both of us (and only via email). Reasoning: With me as a witness, she’d be less likely to pull her usual tactics. And as an “outside observer,” I could spot the manipulation immediately and call it out. BM resisted. She kept trying to call DH "privately," and he wouldn't pick up. She’d send emotional, baiting messages designed to make him react. But by sticking to the email rule, we disarmed her ability to manipulate. 

BM didn’t take this change lightly. lol. When she realized she no longer had exclusive access to manipulate DH, she lost it. She decided she was going to "confront" me, and quickly learned that I was not the type of person who would roll over. That made me the devil. But she backed the hell off.

Since that time, the skids apparently recognized that we weren't playing the bs game. Our marriage mattered. BM contacted DH maybe 4 times again over a period of several years. It wasn't as easy with the skids. They were and will always be to some degree her soldiers in her crazy little army. That is for DH to deal with (they are adults), as I'm out. 

For us to find peace and nourish our marriage, we had to cut the head off the snake. We knew there would be repercussions (yes, we dealt with skid bs) but things were so bad that we recognized they couldn't get much worse. 

I don't like reliving those old days but thought the experience might be worth sharing.