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Queens visit

Newimprvmodel's picture

Will be in the very near future. Date has been set apparently. Interestingly it is mid week. I'm thinking I could never win any award for acting so how to pull this off?  Haven't said a word to each other in over a year of hearing H and her on that phone mostly every day. Ugh!!!  It's going to be days of sweet reminiscing as they usually do. Now in years past the red carpet was rolled out  and special meals and sweets were prepared. That's not happening. I don't know if she really wants to pretend either. I work part time. Hopefully it will be most during the days that I work.  But seriously I'm really stymied how to put on a smile. And H knows I am not happy. 

AgedOut's picture

Make yourself comfy, have a book or an ipad or your phone, the tv on your favorite show, a bowl of snacks and just sit there in your home and look up once in a while with a raised eyebrow. You have home field advantage, it is your home. If she's uncomfy daddy can take her out. You do not get pushed out of your home. Screw that static. 

CajunMom's picture

DHs kids are slowly coming here to visit HIM. Key word being HIM. I refuse to be pushed out of my home, though. I also refuse to engage deeply with DHs kids. While I'm cordial, it's very clear by my actions/behavior, I do NOT want to engage. 

DH's youngest has been over 3 times in the past 12 months. (His daughter will visit for 2 days in August). I am cordial and civil but nothing deep. Offer coffee or water, get them settled in the den, say a few words and then excuse myself to other parts of the house or my studio while they visit with DH. I go about my day as usual. I refuse to engage in any deep conversations with DHs kids...DHs youngest finally figured that out on his 3rd visit. He greeted me, we exchanged pleasantries and then I excused myself to the kitchen to begin prepping dinner. 

That would be my suggestion for you. Greet her and excuse yourself to do what you want but don't leave your home unless YOU want to do something. Let your DH feed and entertain her. Maybe he can take her out to eat and give you some peace during her visit.

Best to you. Hope the visit is drama free.

Newimprvmodel's picture

It's H's birthday. And OUR family has made it a big deal. We spend the day going out somewhere and have already made reservations for dinner at a hot new restaurant. His daughter now will throw a monkey wrench in it. H says oh why can't you just add more people?  I guess I could but I  am feeling like this is a show on her part to score brownie points at my expense. I enjoy celebrating family members birthdays and she has never been a part of that or our family. Just play along with H's fantasy that we are a big blended family?  That's what we've always done but I tired of acting. 

Rags's picture

Play that card.  Call, ask in a way that lets the host at the restaurant know that you really do not want to add to your party.

Sorry DH, they can't accomodate a larger party at that time and everyone is already commited to attending at that time. 


If you have no choice but to fit her in, make sure that baby gets crammed in a corner and that she knows that you will have her under a hairy eyeball and will call her out on any bullshit instantly.

la_dulce_vida's picture

I would cancel the reservation and set it for a time AFTER she's gone. Do not reward jerks.

Having his pwecious little girl around for his birthday should be enough.

CajunMom's picture

DH is planning our's overseas. His oldest daughter knew where we were going before me...go figure. Then he has the nerve to tell me "she has friends there." I stopped him immediately and asked...."is this part of our trip planning, to see these people? Because if so, then you and your daughter go to X. Your kids have vilianized me for years and if you think I want to social with people who may have heard tons of lies about me, you are very wrong. Again, take your daughter with you. I'll stay home." Shut that down immediately.

I'd tell your DH about the same. Your daughter and I do not get along and I will not attend a party with her. I'm not adding guests. If you can't attend YOUR party that I set up for you, then I'll cancel it (or go enjoy your family with him and his kid) and we can celebate later. 

Sometimes, it's worth fighting for your peace. I'm at that point. Had enough and I don't care if feelings are hurt. Mine were hurt for many years with zero concern. Today, I protect ME and MY peace. Best to you. I hope your celebration happens as YOU planned.

Newimprvmodel's picture

For dinner. Not a party.  And H has already said if the restaurant can't add 2 people we go somewhere else. "Not a big deal". Nobody else but a step would understand this. H chats daily and texts with her but doesn't appreciate the years of being snubbed by his kids. Starting with not even responding or coming to our wedding. 
Honestly I'm thinking of just canceling the res, not make a fancy cake and just let H and his daughter plan it. 

CajunMom's picture

I'd be clear...DH, you're changing the dynamics of the dinner so I just canceled it. Go ahead and plan something yourself. I'll do my best to attend. Then make your own plans with friends. There comes a point in this toxic StepMess that we have to "put your foot down" and be assertive in taking care of self.

Cancel the gathering and let DH figure it out. SMH

Rags's picture


So, cancel, tell him it is on him to plan and if it is at a place that interests the OP, she will show. If not, she won't. No further communication on anything.

At some point the cruise director has to resign and just do what they want regardless of what everyone else pulls out of their own asses at the last minute.

I would book a lux-spa weekend at a cool resort for two and if DH decides to join, great .If not, make it a individual retreat and he can wallow in his shallow and polluted gene pool with the toxic pond scum for his BD celebration.

At some point THEY have to be categorizdc by their actions and their words ignored. Or bette ryet, their words scrubbing right back in their faces with firm resolve.

Yesterdays's picture

This is excellent advice. If he wants to change this plan that you already made then clamp down hard and cancel it. Time to put your foot down. Did you outright tell him why? If not id make it clear to him. He doesn't get to change the rule by doing something you don't agree to or makes you uncomfortable 

Winterglow's picture

Is she hoping for a free expensive meal? How does it usually go, everyone pays for themselves and splits your DH's meal? Or do you pay for it all? Make sure she understands that she has to chip in too. That might be enough to deter her.

AgedOut's picture

"well DH, if she needs to ruin what I've planned for my husband and suddenly she just has to have extra seats, she can have mine and maybe you and I can celebrate together another day. Enjoy date night w/ your princess, the Queen of your kingdoom is not playing games and dealing with your child's obvious control issues and need to sabotage the plans your WIFE made to celebrate you. Enjoy your Happy Meal with your baby girl"


I meant kingdom but kingdoom works too!

Newimprvmodel's picture

I plan All the trips. Lol.  I agree with you.  It's YOUR vacation!  

AlmostGone834's picture

I always have The Queen of Poor Choices aka Little Idiot visiting at Christmas and along with that comes the preparations for her royal arrival. She usually stays for 10 days -2 weeks. It's the price I pay for her living out of state. I keep waiting to her to get another boyfriend and go terrorize HIS family at Christmas but that never happens. Solidarity.

The older I get, the harder it is to even be around her. I get why so many women reach a point where they are just over this whole stepmom thing. 

Newimprvmodel's picture

And H doesn't get that we dislike each other. He doesn't get that I'm tired of pretending.  She's visiting HIM. Not me. Nothing for a year.  Not one text. Never ever wished me a happy birthday. Merry Christmas. You get the pic. 

Little Type Amy's picture

" The older I get, the harder it is to even be around her. I get why so many women reach a point where they are just over this whole stepmom thing" 

So much Truth right there ! Feel even more better knowing I am not the only out there who also feels this same exact way. I have only grown to find being a SM that much more difficult to enjoy anymore as my age progesses as well.. You do end up hitting this wall where you just cant fake it any more. Just being polite and cordial  when absolultey unavoidable which expends more than enough of my mental energy as it is

By they way, there was a time when I've hoped that my SD29 had actually made good on this spur of the moment whim to want to move to FL , Daytona Beach or wherever. (  some place that is 18 hr 24 min (1,165.9 miles) give or take away from me..Yes I totally calculated it too) Even though I always knew it was wishful thinking as  it was just a little passing fancy on her part since no plan has ever even started to formulate so there goes that.  Which is nothing new for her since she tends not to follow through on many things. Then again. I am thinking I might have to be careful for what I wish for after your comment. In some way, even if hundered of miles of distance were between us, I'd still wonder if it  might come back and bite me in the ass. 

Trudie's picture

I've read this thread with much interest...and horror. Is it common in step situations to host people you do not get along with? People who have treated you poorly? It appears the spouse is oblivious to the issues, or just ignores them...why is this so? To keep the peace? If so, that's a great example of dishonest harmony. Someone please help me understand this dynamic. There is no way I could have an unwanted guest in my home.

Newimprvmodel's picture

In my case there has never been any words with his daughter. That was played out years ago with their father. Then the kids were gone for many many years. 
Then there was reconciliation. But never acceptance of me and my kids. There were visits maybe a few a year and with this daughter it's daddy enmeshment 101. All by phone.  Several times a day. 
H turns blind eye to her refusal to be a participant n our family. Yet when she visits the pretense goes into overdrive.  I admit I've played along. Treated her like a queen. My kids could care less and basically were and are total strangers with her. 
but now no more. I'm done pretending. Have not heard a peep from her in a year. H says she's coming for a week!  My kids don't believe it actually. They think she will cancel. 

Harry's picture

Make a new reservation for the best table. Chefs table at McDonalds.  Happy meal tasting menu.  Go to fancy restaurant after SD goose's home.   If I have no input in vacation plans. I will just stay home. Making plans for a vacation a adult vacation after. SK go home .  DH shoukd make sure he's arrangeds his time to accomplish this.  
'Don't play around. Your are a adult it's  his  DW.  you will be respected. You will not be told where you are going to vacation by SK.