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SO Angry

TrueNorth77's picture

Today I have become so angry at SD14's behavior that I have a hard time envisioning coming back from this anytime soon. I'm talking years. 

Yesterday she posted a til tok that said "If only you loved me like you love drinking, ur wife, and your other kid". Knowing full well that DH would see it, and this was only 2 days after she refused to come here, even when DH told her he wished she would and he loves her and wants her here and the door is always open. He repeated that 3 times. Still refused, still keeping up the "dad doesn't love me" storyline, which she is pushing as far as she can take it.  

Today, this little brat had the nerve to text DH saying she "knows they aren't In A great place right now", but she "really needs a ride from school to the people she's staying with" while Crazy is out of town. This is a walkable distance and it was a beautiful day. She is THAT lazy and entitled she would rather text DH than walk, even after posting this tik tok, telling him she hopes he ends up in jail, and repeatedly spewing this BS about being "scared" to come here. He had to leave work to do it, but he gave her a ride. I get why he did it, but I was fuming. The AUDACITY. They just chatted, no deep convo. I have been so angry about this all night. I told DH she is manipulating him and this opens the door to ask him for shit while treating him like crap- he said he felt like he had to extend an olive branch, but definitely will not be giving into that if she tries. I'm not convinced. 

THEN. Crazy sent him a message on OFW saying she is extending her vacation til Sat! Yes This is our week with skids, but she encouraged SD not to come by us a month ago, she alienated SD, now she is nagging DH to beg SD because she wants SD to come by us, but won't. SD is staying with the people she babysits for, and is going to ask them if she can stay til Sat. This is sooo embarrassing. Crazy chose now to extend her trip?! She said DH needs to reach out to SD and she can't believe he hasn't done it before SD asked for a ride today, blah blah blah. SD won't even talk to him, I don't know what part of that she isn't understanding. She then said she is filing for child support since SD has been with her for a month and he "isn't even trying to talk to her". Fine. Notice she didn't say anything about filing for custody? Because she doesn't want SD FT, this was all just to be the favorite parent. 

I am so over this. I know parental alienation is real and not rational and it's not even really SD's fault. But she's not a dumb kid and she's not a baby- she's old enough to know online bullying, especially your father, isn't ok, and her behavior is nothing she would ever get away with here. Not to mention that the "I'm scared to go to dads" storyline is 100% BS and we know it too. She's totally fine to call him for a ride because she's lazy. I honestly hope I don't see her for a long time because I could not put on a nice face. It's sad because we have always had a good relationship but I feel like it's gone.


AgedOut's picture

The way both BM and SD are behaving makes me wonder if it's safe to have SD staying at your house. They've both shown they will lie as much as they want and with BM now mentioning $$, I worry that not only will there be accusations against DH/You but that those accusations would be her grounds to push charges and ask for $$$

TrueNorth77's picture

It didn't go great. He was like, it sounds like you are saying you don't want her here, and I will need to choose between you. I'm like waaait a second. Do I want her here? No. Not as she is now. I told him he has to understand my concerns- granted it was 7yrs ago, but she said I "hit" her, and still believes it happened to this day. In this mindset where she is "scared" to come here and saying the nastiest things about you, I don't trust her. She could do damage to my reputation, or worse. He said he does completely understand, and if she does come here, which he doesn't think she will for a while, we will be sitting down with her and having a very frank talk about what is not acceptable. She can't be exhibiting these behaviors. 

I'm not going to put him in a position of choosing between us or refusing to have her here, but there have to be guidelines in place to have her here. He totally agreed and pointed out that he hasn't been contacting her because he knows she isn't ready to speak normally to her and he isn't going to beg her to come here under the circumstances. It still makes me sick. I don't see our relationship ever being the same, or her coming here and just being her old normal self. So if she does end up coming here, I will be absolutely dreading it. 

Harry's picture

I would have DH tell SD he loves her the door is always open.  He will not beg her to come over , and if she comes over she must act like a person.  Not post that her father doesn't love her..   this kid needs mental health help.  To find out why she feels this way. ?  Because her parents divorced, and went into a new relationship putting new SO above her.?   She needs someone to explain relationship to her. The difference in relationship.

CastleJJ's picture

DH shouldn't have given her the ride. He should have said that he will not be available to her only when she needs something, only for her to treat him like dirt when she doesn't. This isn't SD calling the shots. She doesn't get to decide when he is good enough for her, when it suits her. And I thought she felt "so unsafe" with him, yet she was safe enough to accept the ride. 

If she hates DH that much, she doesn't get to ask for favors. And BM needs to stay out of it. She doesn't get to tell DH how to improve his relationship with SD, when she is the one who created this and continues to enable her self-harm and attention seeking behaviors. 

TrueNorth77's picture

Although I understand why DH did it, I do agree that I am not thrilled he gave her a ride. It just shows she can get what she wants even after she treats people literally the worst possible way. DH sent me a screenshot of her text asking for a ride, and you could see the last text she had sent before that one in the screenshot. It said: I hope you go to jail for a long time and lose everything. WHAT. And then you have the nerve to ask for a ride??? 

We got in a little spat about it and I told him I'm not even saying he shouldn't have given her one, because I'm torn and understand him wanting to make an effort. But, I do think he should be telling her it's unacceptable to ask for things and also treat him this way. He agrees, he says he didn't think that was the time to say it. Eh. I disagree, when is the time? 5 rides from now? He's just her Uber? We'll see. 

advice.only2's picture

Your DH needs to lay the ground rules with his daughter, if she is in fear for her life of him then he can not be doing things like giving her rides.  If she chooses to accuse him to authorities of things, then he’s going to be in a whole world of hurt because it will be him versus his daughter and you know Crazy will back her up!

Your DH needs to be honest with his daughter, that he loves her and wants to visit with her, but he can’t put himself into a position for false accusations to be brought against him any time she gets upset or goes off on a tangent because she doesn’t like his rules. 

My DH’s Spawn falsely accused her ex-stepfather of SA and once that happened, I refused to be alone with Spawn, or allow my children to be alone with Spawn, as well as any of my family members.  My DH got so mad at me for implementing that rule and I told him if he was stupid enough to not think she wouldn’t do it to him than that was his choice, but I was not risking my freedom or my children for his lying kid.  Guess who ended up going along with the never be alone with Spawn rule.


TrueNorth77's picture

This is exactly what I told him. He agrees, he felt that it wasn't the right time and if she continues to ask for things it will be better to broach it then. Whatever. Part of me just doesn't even want to hear about it. It's stressful and exhausting and is weighing me down. 

It's funny you said that about never being alone with Spawn- I hinted at that last night, and DH got very much in his feels about it. He felt I was making him choose between me and SD, if she comes back and it comes down to it. (Mostly because I was expressing my fear of her coming here). I will not make him choose, but you can be damn sure there will be guidelines when she is here. 

Rags's picture

If DH won't actually grow a pair and gut BM in court, then... welcome to paying CS.

BM is the one manipulating SD to not visit.

With this latest threat, DH needs to go full frontal destruction on both of them.  

File every legal action possible and end this.  Put SD on the stand and have your lawyer filet  her with direct clear demands that she state specifically incident by incident why she is afraid to spend time with daddy. Drag out the PAS crap put on her by BM like pulling teeth.  Leave her babbeling snot and slobber covered face quivering on the stand then do the same to BM when it is her turn to go on the stand.

It is time to end this bullshit game and do it now.

IMHO of course.

thinkthrice's picture

Rags, again, there's a two tiered "justice" system in family court.  Those methods only work when the respondant is the NCP biodad and SM.  If they fail to follow the CO to the letter, then the case will get traction.

If the petitioner is bio dad against the BM, forget about it.  It will go nowhere, get dismissed or become even more lopsided in the BM's favor.

TrueNorth77's picture

We already took her to court and literally NOTHING happened. They would appoint the same GAL, who did Zero last time. Zilch. She didn't even talk to Crazy or SD. We spent $250 on that! DH is not willing to throw thousands of dollars at something that, from our experience, we have zero chance of winning. The court doesn't care about alienation. You could tell the judge didn't even read our filing, only Crazy's response to our filing. 

thinkthrice's picture

$$$ as usual.  BM wants sole custody of skids, and gets extra CS money then poisons them against dad and stepmom.  But will still want to use dad and stepmom for ad hoc babysitters, money, buy skid a car, granting favors to skids Etc. 

Then switch back and crow about having to do everything on their own as a "single parent" (TM).

IOW a cake eater.  HCGUBMs all want their cake and eat it too.

Rags's picture

The NCP should get what they pay for and make sure to give that message to the CP and even to the kids when the CP plays the PAS cards.   

"I pay you to feed, clothe, house, transport, and care for my kids.  Do what  you are paid to do."  For the kids "I pay your mom/dad to feed, clothe, house, transport, and care for you.  I have already paid him/her. Ask them for it."

The running total spread sheet is a great tool to roll up and beat the snot out of them with.  When a kid sees the countless rows of CS payments and the cumulative total at the bottom, it drives a boat ton of clarity.

We used it in the opposite direction.  CS was only $133/mo.   According to the SpermClan that pittance paid for expensive homes, cars, vacations, top schools, quality clothing, etc... and ..... all of that took food out of the mouths of SS's three  younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas.   SS would come home from SpermLand visitation upset about that.

He learned in a hurry that the spread sheet told a far different story.  Which gave him fact based information to call their crap face to face on his next visitation when they lied, manipulated, or PASd.  We backed the spread sheet with statements from the CSE office, the court records, etc, etc, etc...

When he saw that $133/mo did not even feed him for an entire week, or what diapers for a month cost, or what clothes cost, etc... he could readily see that the CS money had zero impact either on his support or in feeding his younger half sibs.  That made him angry... at the lies, manipulations, and PAS crap.\

That said, even at $133/mo the cummulative CS number grows and looks impressive.  For us it was about informing SS that he was not the cause of SpermClan financial issues. The Monthly amount was critical to that message.   For the NCP, the total number is likely the most impactful to informing the kids that the CP has pocketed a crap tone of $$$ in support that the NCP paid for their kids.

Tailor the highlighted spread sheet data to the audience and to the message you want to convey.

Over 17+ years the SpermClan paid about $50K in CS.  Which is an impressive number.  When broken down to a monthly number, not so impressive.  Average was ~$260/mo in CS paid by the SpermClan.  Though the first year was only $110/mo and the 9yrs after that was only $133/mo.  The number went up for the last 7yrs.

Know the audiance and tailor the message accordingly.

SMto3's picture

I don't get these kids. My SS24 wasn't as bad as yours, but he always always lied about us not feeding him. It was so weird and bizarre. 

Your DH shouldn't have given her a ride. Nope, not after you wish jail on me. That girl is too big for her britches. Its when they know they don't have a parent that will step right up to them that they pull this type of stuff. My daughter once told me she couldn't wait til she was 12 to move out, because I didn't buy her a doll at Target. I told her she didn't have to wait, that in fact, I would let her leave right then and there. She was so shocked, she never said it again. She was about 7 at the time. 

I couldn't even begin to fathom a child of mine who thinks they are allowed to disrespect me after all the hard work I do for them. No extras, none. No picking you up, no giving anything extra. It's sad but sometimes you have to play that game to show them they don't have power over you, and to try to hurt one's undeserving parent, is akin to cutting the nose off your face. I am the hand that feeds my daughter, I respect her and I command and demand her respect as well.