Feeling left out - lack of boundaries
Hey everyone,
I'm reaching out for some advice and reassurance regarding my relationship with my boyfriend. We've been together for 2 years now, and he has a 3.5-year-old daughter. However, there are some complexities in our situation that I'm struggling with, and I could really use some insight.
When we first started dating, my boyfriend was still living with his daughter's mom. They were in the process of waiting for her new apartment to be ready, so they were cohabiting temporarily. However, they separated about six months into our relationship, and now they share 50/50 custody of their daughter. Meanwhile, I ended up moving overseas (just a 2-hour flight away) for work, which adds another layer of distance to our relationship.
I'll admit upfront that I haven't had much experience with young children before, so navigating my relationship with my boyfriend's daughter has been a bit challenging for me. While I try my best to connect with her during my visits back home, it doesn't come as naturally to me as it might to others.
Currently, my boyfriend and his daughter are on holiday in my city, and I'm staying with them in the hotel. While I'm thrilled to spend time with them, I've been feeling a bit sidelined. My boyfriend and his daughter share an incredibly close bond, which is heartwarming to see, but sometimes it leaves me feeling a bit left out. For instance, yesterday my boyfriend decided to nap with his daughter, leaving me alone in our bedroom. He even waved at me when he went to the bathroom during their nap, which made me feel like an outsider. I waited for them to wake up for three hours before deciding to go out and get them some afternoon snacks, just to try to make them happy.
The next day, when I got out from work, I texted him so I could join them, to which he replied « I am about to go to the shopping centre to get her some new clothes and toys. I wanted to go earlier but she didn’t want to » (mind you they had the whole day to themselves to do that, but because she didn’t want to go to the shops, they left the hotel just as I was about to arrive). I decided to join them at the shopping centre so they didn’t have to take the train back to the hotel. When I arrived at the shopping centre, I was looking for them and couldn’t find them in the place they told me they would be. I texted him and he eventually called me back to let me know they had moved somewhere else in the shopping centre. He said « I couldn’t call you earlier because she just wanted to play in the kids playground so I had to watch her » That is absolute nonsense to me. Why can’t he just say to her « look, I am going to call ___ real quick because she is going to join us from work and needs to know where we are otherwise she will just keep looking for us. Can you please be calm for 1 minute? » This to me is another example that he is putting his daughter wants above my needs.
Another issue I've been facing is interrupted communication. Whenever I try to engage with my boyfriend, his daughter often interrupts, redirecting the conversation or attention to herself. It feels like I'm constantly being pushed to the sidelines in favor of her desires and he doesn’t seem to see the problem in that at all because he rarely ever corrects her on that.
I understand that the fact that I don’t live in the same country as them might contribute to me feeling left out, so I've been contemplating moving back for a while, but observing how he consistently prioritizes his daughter's desires over everything else has given me pause. It's challenging for me to envision sacrificing my own needs for the whims of a child, especially when it seems he does so even at the expense of his own well-being. The fact that he can't even take a moment for himself, like going to the bathroom alone, because she insists on being with him constantly instead of teaching her boundaries, is concerning to me. I also personally think it is a recipe for disaster for a child to be taught that life revolves around her and she gets to rule the life of her parents, and that the number 1 priority of them is to make her happy, no matter what it takes.
Another example of that that’s been causing tension is the state of the living room. I thrive in a tidy environment, particularly since I work from home, and he's aware of this. However, the living room resembles more of a chaotic playroom, with toys strewn across the floor, couch, and table. It's not an occasional occurrence; it's a perpetual state of disorder. It is to the point where you can barely sit 1 person people in a huge 7 people couch because the whole couch is covered in toys. Same with the coffee table. Same with the floor. I've tried discussing how it affects me and offered to help organize and tidy the space, but his response was dismissive. He simply stated, "But my daughter likes it this way. Are you saying your needs are more important than hers?" In reality, I don't believe I'm prioritizing my needs over hers. I simply seek a reasonably tidy living environment. That was just an example amongst a lot of other ones, but it feels like we're caught in a cycle with no resolution in sight, and I'm beginning to question the viability of our relationship.
I'm feeling lost and unsure if this is normal behavior on his part or if I'm the one with the problem. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Please be kind—I'm just trying to figure things out here. Thanks.
It does sound like he is a
It does sound like he is a bit of what we might call a disney dad.. but also she is 3.5.. that is not the most logical and perfectly behaved age.. parents often find their plans derailed by a demanding toddler who may not be able to self regulate and easily comply with what mom or dad want to happen.
Sure.. the distance you are having is a bit why this is not comfortable to you.. but it's also foreign.. not being a parent yourself.. you don't have the experience to know what is "normal".. and what is overly permissive.
Honestly.. since he seems to see this as a her vs you thing.. putting you on equal footing with a child.. I don't see a lot of promise.. you have another 15 years of this.. and you probably are fairly young.. this relationship is problematic for more than just the fact that he is a dad. It's long distance that comes with it's own difficulties.
And.. why did he and his EX split... what red flags were there.. and why couldn't they work hard enough to stay together to raise their child?
I would chalk this up to experimentation in dating a guy with kids.. and would probably look for a partner that would meet my needs.. he isn't the one who can do that.
All of your concerns are
All of your concerns are valid. The fact that he can't tell her no or even have her wait a few moments for gratification is a sign of things to come. This 3-year-old leads him around, rather than him parenting her. Also, i wonder about his boundaries in other aspects. He started dating you while still living with BM, but they were living together for financial reasons. Are you sure? Either he wasn't truthful with you or he has little control over himself, too. He jumped into another relationship without taking any time at all for figuring out how to be a single dad. Instant gratification for both him and his daughter. Doesn't sound fun to be a 3rd wheel there.
End this relationship now
And save the time and hurt. This is the honeymoon tine of the relationship. If it's not good now where is it going. If he actually wants a relationship,not a bed warmer he would treat you better. Let him and his DD be happy, but not with you.
I confused similar behavior
I confused similar behavior with "an incredibly close bond" too. Closeness between parent and child is healthy. Catering to a child's whims to the exclusion of all others is not. AND your BF is manipulating you, too.
Is he really ready for an adult relationship? It doesn't sound like he is. Consider taking a break while he figures out how to parent, and get some sanity back into your life. You deserve a man that doesn't treat you as second best.
Look up Mini-Wife Syndrome
Look up Mini-Wife Syndrome and Disneyland Dad Syndrome. And please don't make the mistake of counting down to 18. Do not fall for being told it's a stage or that she'll grow out of it. She won't because Dad will make sure of that. Given his tack of boundaries now and allowing the tail to wag the dog, I would highly recommend tossing this guy back. Do not make the mistake of contantly waiting for the next stage. If you think you can wait it out until your SO's DD is 18, you will be constantly putting your life on hold and not getting your needs met only to find that when the girl turns 18 she's not going to be even remotely close to launching. I don't know why people rely on the magical age of 18. Kids raised by dads like your SO do not meet milestones like their peers do, so that little girl is not going anywhere at 18.How do I know? Oh boy, the stories I can tell you. My SD is 34 and I was diagnosed with trauma by two therapists when I chose to stay because I lacked the self worth to realize I deserved better and could actually get better.
Run fast and run far. If you're seeing what you see on a trip, can you imagine what it'll be like if you lived with your SO and his DD full time?
I also wonder, and with all due respect, why would you date a man who was still living with his ex? You deserve so much better than that. This man is not capable of being all-in with you. I recommend that you call it a day with this guy and go for some therapy to learn your worth and to understand how you either missed or ignored the red flag of a man who still lived with his ex.
I'm glad you're questioning things now though.
HOnestly.. relationships
HOnestly.. relationships require "work".. but they shouldn't have to be that hard right?
Without the kid issues.. you already have enough complexity with it being long distance. That is time, expense, distance that is just plain difficult to deal with.
You already have a great excuse as to why this won't work for you. I just can't keep up this long distance thing.. you don't have to highlight the fact that the way he parents is a problem too..
My DW commented on this very thing recently.
HOnestly.. relationships require "work".. but they shouldn't have to be that hard right?
I do not recall the context of the conversation, I blame my aging memory. Basically she commented that from the beginning we just made sense. The three of us. DW, SS, and me, not necessary in that order.
"We just fit. It was comfortable and easy. We just worked well from the very beginning." As a rough paraphrase anyway.
That of course does not cover the intermittent difficult times, the passion, the arguements, the SpermClan drama, etc, etc, etc. Though those things are all a part of marriage, life, and blended family existance.
They shouldn't have to be that hard. There really is no reason that they are other than abject failure of character and any number of other things on the part of the problem partner. Or, partners if both are primary contributors to the failure.
yeah.. I don't necessarily
yeah.. I don't necessarily mean that there are not trials and tribulations we all must weather. But, the RELATIONSHIP should not be that hard.. we should generally feel supported.. heard.. respected and prioritized by our partners. We should mutually want the best for them and they should want the best for us. The fact that life can be hard.. so things may not always be easy.. doesn't mean that your partner can't be a good partner through the rough seas.
Now, kids are also a priority and deserve to be loved and cared for.. and there will be times their needs will come before tending to those of your partner.. because.. well.. a 3.5 year old can't go to work.. earn money and go buy their own dinner. So, yeah... you will need to pay for your kid's food.. you may need to decide to stay home to accomodate their nap vs go have margaritas on saturday afternoons. Especially when they are small.. your schedule and ability to do certain things may be somewhat limited..
I am not saying that kids are running the show necessarily.. but kids need naps.. they don't have the "stamina" to be out and about like an adult might.. they can and do get fussy and difficult.. and sometimes parents just have to abandon plans and deal with whatever meltdown is occuring. They don't have to reward the meltdown.. and of course you parent and raise them so that they should be happening less. Toddlers are not known for their impeccable manners and logical thinking.. haha.
So, you have a kid that might be tired and out of sorts from travel.. and so they aren't as capable of just going with the flow as they might be..
It does seem like dad is not 100% dealing with things.. there is no real need for him to stay with the kid the whole time they are napping.. he could have gotten her settled then gone out to the other room to hang out with his GF certainly. And the thing about allowing all the toy clutter because the kid likes it that way.. um... no.. Common areas are for the common use.. not just his child.. if she wants to have her toys out in HER room.. fine.. I will be ok with that.. but not all over the house. Teaching his child to put away things after they are done playing with them is a normal parenting moment!
Yep, exactly what you said
Yep, exactly what you said ESMOD.
None of this is rocket science though it seems to be far above the cranial capacity of so many.
His behavior is not normal or acceptable at all.
30+ years ago, I was you. Except that I did not allow this kind of crap in my relationship. I met my DW when SS was 15mos old. We married the week before SS-31 turned 2yo.
Before I get into how to fix it, I will say just end it. Now. You are in an international career, locking into this toddler butt sniffing failed family breeder as your life parter is cutting yourself short. Don't do that.
IF, note the big if, you decide to continue to sacrifice yourself to this shallow and polluted gene pool you must put standards of behavior and performance in place for both your BG and his spawn. You set those. They have no choice but to adhere to those standards or they find their existence to be one of increasing abject misery.
"She wanted...." or "She didn't want......" is not acceptable in a blended relationship any more than it should be in an intact initial breeding relationship. Kids do not dictate. Parents parent. Kids do not.
By initial appearance, this guy is using you as his F-buddy and not his partner. Do not relegate yourself to the beck and call girl status to this guy and his spawn. Set the rules, enforce the rules, and demand that he deliver as your partner.
You and the relationship come first. You and the relationship are the priority. Kids are not. Kids are the top adult relationship responsibility. Those are two very different concepts.
Feeding, sheltering, clothing, and caring for a 3.5yo kid is a responsibility. Napping with them... nope. Not when he is in a relationship. He owes you to engage you in everything including parenting. If you are equity life partners, you are also equity parents to any spawn in the relationship regardless of who spawned the spawn.
This was the hill that my DW and I planted our flag on together and the hill we defend together. We are both very proud of the man of character, honor, and standing in his career and community, that we raised together as we have built and lived our life of adventure and love for the ages together.
I am not his BioDad, but I am his real dad. I am that unequivocally because his mom and I chose a life together which included raising him together.
No mention of BM in your post. However, BM has to be kept in her place. That is on him. If he is not capable establishing and enforcing those standards, you do it. Hold him accountable for complying to those standards as well.
Do not sacrifice yourself on the alter of Sparental martydom to this guy and his failed family. You have to care for yourself more than that.
Take care of you. Enjoy your exciting life. Do not subjegate yourself to a partner. The partner has to add to your life as much as you add to theirs.
Good luck.
She's 3
She needs her dad to set limits to define her life. Limits and boundaries are what help a child develop, they need these to feel secure. Not setting these is not good. This guy is only interested in getting the warm fuzzies, he doesn't give a monkey's what is good for his child.
100% this.
100% this.
Ask the BF why he doesn't love his child enough to provide the structure and guidance that all children need?
Some time down the road
SD is going to figure out that she is in control. Then your life will be hel*. You must come first over his DD. DD health, welfare comes first, but all thing you are the adult. You are giving up things to be in this relationship. You must come first.. I all seconds relationship this comes up. Who controls the home , the family. If you are not in control then you are the big child , being under DH. NOT a equal partner, You must be a equal partner. You must be respected.
Mini-wife in the making
Look it up. Read all about it. This is your opportunity to gather al information and make a decision. Love is not enough.
This guy doesn't sound like
This guy doesn't sound like he has grasped that he has to make room in his life for you as well as his daughter. He has to make you feel like a partner not someone dragged along to follow him and his kid everywhere.
The 3 year old sounds perfectly normal to me. I've a 3 year old who does all of these things. If I dare lock the bathroom door he bangs on it, he constantly interrupts conversations and if he could dictate our days he would.
I only have my husband (my son's father) to worry about though so we find ways to deal with these things together. I am not overcompensating for a marriage breakdown and I also have another child to take care of too. Your boyfriend is still in the mindset that the child comes first and everyone else around them must go along with that. It isn't healthy for any child to be in that position and it doesn't leave room for new relationships to flourish.
If you truely wanted to try with this relationship I would try to get across to him that he needs to make room for you in his life.
As an example my husband and I were long distance before I moved to live with him prior to our marriage. At that time his daughter -then 3 or 4 - shared his room (he had a roommate in the second bedroom of his appartment). He made sure to move the roommate out then transition his kid to sleeping in her own room before I moved so that we could have our own room and some privacy. Also soon after I moved I told my husband that I felt left out when we had his daughter. He made changes to his behavior and made sure to hold my hand, give me kisses, talk to me and give me attention even when my sd was around. He didn't push back or tell me I was wrong to be jealous of a child he listened to me and he made changes to his behavior.
All this to say that he doesn't have to be the perfect partner or father right now but he should listen to you with respect and try to find ways to accommodate you and make you feel comfortable around his kid. If he can't do that or reacts badly to being asked to change his behavior then I would be ending that relationship as he isn't in a place to respect you or compromise for you - both of which you deserve.
Please, please whatever you do, don't move back just to save this relationship. Your relationship will survive long distance if it is worth it. If it can't survive long distance then it isn't something I would chase.
IMHO you were not jealous. You were communicating healthy
IMHO you were not jealous. You were communicating healthy behaviors between committed adults in a family environment. There is nothing jealous about that IMHO.
I am glad that you did that and that he engaged as a quality equity life partner should.