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Countdown (Cont. Pt. 6) In Denial Disneyland Dad

Lillywy00's picture

Still haven't told him. 

My therapist recommended telling him to give him time to process. But to tell him we didn't have to break up. 

I could see where this could ease the blow and ideally I wish I could just keep dating him until his kids turn 25 but that's 14 years (his youngest is 11) and I don't want to put my life on pause that long.

I also just decided I really don't want to have a man who has child support obligation/debt (I applaud men who take care of their responsibilities but the problem for me is this lifestyle isn't what I want). I don't want to give him false hope or string him along when we both could find more suitable partners  

I meet with her today but I think I'm going to tell her my biggest worry about telling him is 1. I don't trust men during breakups (they are petty as hell - one verbally abused me for ending it, one tried to ruin my reputation with serious lies; should have sued him but didn't since his lies didn't impact me negatively, I didn't want to waste resources on him and another one had me set up to be robbed after I ended it with him...thankfully I wasn't at home but it was still traumatizing) 2. I don't want his reaction to distract me/affect my new role/job where I make most of my income. 

If I knew 100 he would be amicable maybe I would but rn I don't know. So I'm preserving myself and my sanity first. 

Also he has been on his BEST (well the best he can do) behavior (minus the on demand B. Beck n Call Service / loud ass zoo he runs on the weekend and his unreasonable sexual requirements). I mean not arguing or being combative with me. Cleaning up better after them once they leave. Etc. 

I hate him for not being better earlier on because now that I've made the decision it's nothing he can do to change my mind  

The hardest part about not telling him rn is he keeps launching into his diatribe about how sex is so important in a relationship, how he requires it MULTIPLE times a week (cringing just typing this), and how he's on the verge of stepping out (he has some mental thing against masturbation). I've had to make up multiple excuses to the point some of them are actually real. The stress is causing me to have acid reflux plus I've always had lower libido it just never bothered me because I was never in long relationships with men who had sex quotas. So I insisted I'm not doing anything sexual until I see a physician for my annual exams.


I only have a couple of hours to discreetly pack because he's been here all day clinging now that he has a new schedule. The movers are gonna hate me bc they're gonna have to help box this stuff up too ugh!!! 


thinkthrice's picture

Your therapist.   TERRIBLE idea to "give him time to process."    More like "give him time to throw a fit and become physically and verbally threatening/ blocking you and your kiddo from moving out."

ESMOD's picture

Absolutely.. your therapist is an idiot.  You have such disdain for your SO.. you despise his kids.. and that doesn't END when they become adults.. you are wasting your youth.. your time that you could spend finding a real partner with this dude.  

You should have left months ago.. now she wants you to start some quasi "negotiation".. well.. it's not break up.. I'm just moving out.. because I hate your kids.. sheesh.. 

Fire her.. absolutely.. she is not giving you good advice.. she just wants you to continue to martyr yourself here.. don't fall for it. 

You may have conflicted feelings.. but the only fantasy land you live in is the one where he has no kids.. that is not reality.. he does.. and that is that.. and your posts here have been nothing but pure poison about the situation.. so why would you continue to put yourself.. him.. and those kids through more years of torture.. it's ridiculous.

and she doesn't get that people can go "off" and men can become angry and violent when they are not getting their way.. she wants you to risk that? ughh.

Lillywy00's picture

I guess I should clairify that I don't hate them as people I don't like their behaviors, I don't like being overriden by kids every weekend to the point I feel disrespected in the home I contribute to (way more than these kids with no jobs and no chores), I don't like having no peace/downtime from loud messy kids, and I don't like how the bar is set so low that improving behavior for the better is like dragging a wild Bob cat for a bath. 

I didn't realize he was so heavily kid-centered and so scared of his exwife running to the court that his failed first family has him by the balls and it's very unattractive and unappealing to me. I refuse to live my life behold to some dudes ex-wife and her kids. 

I guess my fantasy land is not him not having kids but properly raising his kids like most normal divorced non- Disneyland parent do and holding his breeder accountable (by consulting with his lawyer amd being one step ahead of the itchB)  but he is clearly incapable  

I probably am a little dramatic on my rants but yeah I'm not wasting more time being unhappy or not having peace in my home. 

Lillywy00's picture

I talked to her again about it today and told her the reason I hadn't yet was based on my fear due to previous experiences and she changed her tune. 

Also I clarified with her that the more I thought about it the more I realized we'd be stringing each other along by continuing when we could find / be happier single or with partners were better compatible with. 

She agreed if I'm not going to continue the relationship to just write him a letter or text him on the day of. 

Harry's picture

He court between the provincial rock and hard spot.  He never parent. As dinner time , quiet time, bed time.  Second his EX either feels that he should be doing  50/50. Visitations,  not her having kids the majority of the time.  She wants weekends free. To data.  Can't bring a man home to a house of awake kids. [going into the bedroom to talk isn't going to work]

He going to feel, you don't understand the spot he's in.  He trying his best, You should want to mother his kids and be the happy family that he wants but never had

Y9u are not cut out for step-life. Nothing to be ashamed of.   TV and movies lie . You just want to raise someone else's kids because they failed.   Personally, I could never understand how my SO would think. Down to it's not the kids fault the marriage fail,   They didn't asked to be born.  They need some type  of childhood.   They need some type of family.   

''it's the 20. Ten more days.  Time of the month. A long time of the month 

Lillywy00's picture

Agree Harry

His court order (from like 6 years ago after their divorce) says 50/50 with no child support 

However due to his job (and his conniving beeeder refusing to allow those kids to ride the bus) he is not able to take his kids to school during the week everyday so he agreed to paid her child support, insurance, weekend custody 

THIS is actually one of the major problems I had was him refusing to update his court order and consult with his lawyer regarding the state calculations for his financial child support obligation 

CajunMom's picture

She is suppose to be YOUR therapist. Her concern should be YOUR safety and YOUR mental state, not your asshole SO. Remember, just because a therapist has a certificate on the wall does not make him/ner a good therapist. That is about the most idiotic statement I've heard from a therapist, considering (at least in my area) the amount of domestic dispute DEATHS we've had in the past few months. And I'm sure it's around the country. SMH

No don't tell that man anything. He can process it all once you are gone, safe in your own space. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

On the verge of stepping out? Don't sleep with him at all then. The last thing you need is an std as a parting gift. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

Yes. Incredibly manipulative of him to threaten cheating on her because he's not meeting his sex quota. Disgusting.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Pfffft. He's on his best behavior because he wants nookie. His threats of stepping out are an attempt to coerce you into giving him some nookie. His aversion to masturbation might be because he thinks someone in a relationship should not have to masturbate or he's lousy at it. 

On the verge of stepping out... Go for it, asshat. Lilly is on the verge of stepping completely out of the picture!

AgedOut's picture

I think he senses something in the air and figures he'll do his usual show her the nice side until she gets over whatever it is this time. To be blunt, there is no way this is going be you carrying your stuff out, him wishing you well and you both waving goodbye as you drive away. It's simply not going to be that way so gird them loins, prepare for the worst, hope for something close to the best. Remember, he needs you more than you need him so he's going to be very angry. But you got this. Too bad that you have <insert contageous thing going around> and are out of commission the next 10 days. Gosh that sucks. But isn't it great that you will be back to 100% the day of. Focus on your forevers, leave him in the rear view mirror. 

Felicity0224's picture

If the sex quota thing was the only thing wrong with this guy, I would still say that you should break up with him. I've been married to a sex addict, and so much of what you've posted about your SO's attitude about sex really triggers me. In my experience, the threats to cheat if they don't get enough sex is an indication that they have already cheated and are just trying to justify it to themselves. Believe me when I say that addiction (if that's what it is) only escalates; it doesn't just improve without treatment. If you met his "quota" for weeks on end, he would just want more and more. There was a point in my marriage where I was having sex twice a day every single day for years, whether I felt like it or not, and XH was still cheating.

Please get out and don't look back. You deserve someone who treats you with respect and kindness. This guy sounds like a selfish douchebag, at best. 

Lillywy00's picture

I thought he might have a sex addiction and told him he needed to stop taking extra testosterone to boost his already raging libido and he refused. 

He is completely selfish and constantly gaslighting me accusing me of being selfish 

He can shove those sex quotas up his and his mistress a$$ 

Ill call an Uber and pack his testosterone, his zit cream, his medications, his rogain, his compression socks and his "spend the night bag" and send him right over. 

Im leaving his a$$ ver my soon  

Not dealing with his cheap antics, his Disneyland parenting, nor his sex quotas


Rags's picture

Time fo put the lack of sex thing directly on the idiot STBX. You cannot be sexually interested in someone who is a failed parent and a failed partner.  His aversion to self service and threats of stepping out, are just more nails in the coffin that he is clearly unworthy as your life partner.  Do not allow the thought that "if only we could date until......." to enter your mind. Stop torturing  yourself and stop being a toxic victim who is toxic to ....  YOU!

And.. do not tell him you are leaving.  You owe him nothing and that your therapist is concerned about this POS having time to process and prepare... is beyond nausiating and beyond proof that the therapist is a complete dipshit.

That you are dealing with both a complete asshate of a failed partner and a dumbass for a therapist is pissing me off.

Take care of you.