Immature, entitled, manipulative 26 year old YSD
Well the immature, entitled, manipulative 26 year YSD was here again yesterday with BF.
She completely lacks social skills isn’t interested in anyone else unless they have something to offer her. She talked all about herself again and what she wants, the big white wedding and a house but doesn’t want to work for any of it. DH asked her how she was going to pay for all this? Then she brazenly comes out with I have a dad to buy me a house! To which he ignored and I managed to keep my mouth shut this time. However the thought of anymore of this and I won’t be able to. The BF is pushing to visit us more regularly, he said when they were leaving shall we set another date to come again now! I said we’re on holiday next week so won’t be making plans until after that.
I have already told DH I can’t cope with seeing to much of her, but the problem is he is too weak to stand up to her. They are also showing up early evening when I’m doing tea so can’t just pop out to the shops. Plus I don’t see why I should have to leave my warm home. However I can’t tolerate this behaviour much longer and know I will end up falling out with her. A friend of mine strongly advised against this especially as it’s his daughter! Now I feel completely stuck about what to do next any advice would be much appreciated thank you.
" I have a dad to buy me a
" I have a dad to buy me a house! "
That was the moment when you should have snorted or at least visibly suppressed a laugh.
Maybe someone should tell her that your a modern couple and don't believe in all that old-fashioned nonsense that date back to a time immemorial. No, you much prefer the world where couples work hard to pay for what they want.
Please tell me that your husband isn't weak enoiugh to just fork over the money ... Remember it's yours too and yoiu have first dibs on it.
You need to have a real conversation with DH
You need to have a really seriousl conversation with your DH about finances.
I was incredably blunt with my DH when MSS announced he was getting married. There was no way I was paying for someone else's party especially when I think weddings are a ridiculous waste of money. We did give them cash as a wedding gift but it was a reasonable amount and I think it'll end up going towards a deposit on a place to live.
This sound like my SD. She is
This sound like my SD. She is so spoiled and feel entitled because all the men in her life ( father, brothers, and now fiance) all cater to her. She is getting married and we were talking and was giving her advice because I know they do not make a lot of money. she told me she was not worrying about that becuase her father was paying. I was pissed because this was not discussed with me and the fact we just recovered from paying for our wedding last September and upcoming vacations. He said he told her he would help but not pay for all. Well she seem to think other wise. If they dont have the money plus they are very young, they either should not get married yet or just have s simple intimate small ceremony with an officiant.
You need to practice disengagement better.
In your previous post, you got lots of good advice to disengage from SD. There are many ways to do this and it takes practice. You need to start exercising how to do it.
First off, don't bother talking to your DH anymore about what bothers you about SD as you know he is too weak to confront her. Nor will he want to stop seeing her as it is his daughter. These are facts which support the case for you disengaging.
The next time she visits (with or without fiance) you find a reason to be out of the house. I know that you say you chafe at having to leave your warm home but it is much better for you to go to a movie, go to a coffee/tea house or even sit in a pub than have to be subjected to her crap. If for some reason you can't go out, or they show up unannounced, then simply say you have a headache, go into your bedroom and close the door. Do this every single time.
Next, don't talk to your DH about her at all. Have no interest in her and you will learn less upsetting things she is doing. The only thing to put your foot down about is any money that is given to her - make it very clear to your DH that any joint funds MUST be discussed before disbursement. If you do not agree with the amounts and your DH is insistent, then tell him the ramifications are that your funds/assets are going to be split and each will have control over their own amount.
Again, disengagement is a trajectory it is not a one time act. You have to get your wheels firmly on that track and don't waiver.
How does your DH feel about
How does your DH feel about all of this? You say he is too weak to stand up to her, so will he give her money, pay for things, buy her a house? Does his silence mean he will, or he won't but just won't TELL her he won't?
My SD31 once mentioned to DH something about getting our house when we die. That will NEVER happen but he didn't tell her who it was being left to (I think he just laughed at her). I don't care that he doesn't set her straight, I just care that he and I know the truth.
Wow it sounds like the fiance
Wow it sounds like the fiance is in on the game trying to butter your DH up to pay for everything.
When they tried to set another date to come visit that is your chance. Tell them okay let me know the date so I can make sure we're home, do you want to bring food/wine?
At 26 years old you should not be showing up empty-handed to your parent's house anymore. You have to push back on their lack of contribution.
And perhaps if they show up at predictable times you and your DH should pick those days to go out on a date and not be home.
Read your previous post
And the advice there.
How are finances? Myself and Husband have separated ours, because he still pays Child/ex support.
She needs to be shut down. All this "daddy cakes will buy me" that needs to go away.
HOWEVER, as has been advised, simply do not attend these visits.
Showing up uninvited? Pffffft
Showing up uninvited? Pffffft. Don't answer the door. Or start making loud noises as if you're in the throes of passion. Hell, smack your hands together and scream, "You know you love spankies, DH!!!"
If Daddykins wants to see his princess more often, they can meet outside of your home.
As for wedding contributions? Be clear to your DH that you are not contributing and that it is unacceptable for anything he pays to negatively affect his ability to pay his share of the bills.
I would have sarcastically said
"The fact that you believe daddy owes and needs to buy you a house when you marry just proves how you're not responsible or equipped enough to be or handle a marriage"
Thank you so much for all
Thank you so much for all your helpful replies and support ladies. I needed to post yesterday to help with my anger. I was just so annoyed when she was going on about wanting this and that like a spoilt child. DH did ask her how she was going to fund everything. She then argued and said that everyone was picking on her including BF then realised that she was at a loss so said my Dad will buy me a house! That’s the thing I have already had it out with DH told him buying a place and renting it to them is wrong on every level particularly as she has no money and doesn’t want to work. I said he’s best to leave them to it and see how serious they are with regards to saving. He agreed and said that he wouldn’t do anything unless I was on board anyway. However I’m just concerned that this little madam will grind him down with it all eventually.
I also knew that they would be inviting themselves to our home more often because they can’t afford to go out. I mean who the hell wants to sit in with parents every weekend at that age. I have already warned DH that I won’t be standing for them being here regularly particularly as I can’t stand her behaviour. However I think I’m going to struggle to stop it especially if she messages to say she’s popping over. All I know is if DH doesn’t say anything then I will but obviously this bit bothers me because it’s his DD at the end of the day. But I also have to think of my own happiness and don’t see why I have to put up with this.
She wants a house and needs
She wants a house and needs more contact to work on manipulating daddeeee. In your situation, I would laugh on the inside, because I'm very sure DH wouldn't give her the money, so it would only be a matter of time before the situation would devolve into disappointment and fighting.
You need to feel secure in the knowledge that your DH won't wear down. If you are afraid he will, that is what the two of you need to work on.
He must be wealthy
And that brings on ALL the vulture activity.
But thats YOUR money too.
Hopefully your wills are all solid and your name is on everything!