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The snub is there

Newimprvmodel's picture

DH on the phone with the daughter I went all out on for her marriage. Of course she is going to her new in laws home for a WHOLE WEEK for Thanksgiving. of course she has not spent a thanksgiving or Christmas with him in over 16 years. And she only comes to visit for a night or two. MAX. He never ever expresses his displeasure to her ever.  They speak every few days but it clearly is for her needs not his. 
He never sees the snubs.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

And never will. Still, congratulations on not having to be around such a phony and annoying person.

It's only a snub if you care. If you still do, then you have work to do on yourself.

Newimprvmodel's picture

I'm thankful that I don't have to deal with anyone for a week!  

CajunMom's picture

DH's kids have always treated him second class. I used to point it out but he refused to see it. Today, when they come to our area, most of the time is spent with BM's relatives and their friends here. DH gets minimal time. He has one kid local....I'm talking 15 minutes from our home. The man (29 years old) NEVER calls his dad and the ONLY time they see each other is if DH makes the call and pays for the social event.

Like you, I'm disengaged today. If DH is okay with that treatment, then who am I to complain? It doesn't impact me (well, it does hurt my heart some but I have zero power to change it).  I'm sorry you have to stand by and watch that treatment of your DH. Regardless how disengaged we are, those actions targeted at our DHs are hard to watch. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

Your DH doesn't see the snubs because he is incapable of it. If anyone else treated him this way I'm sure he'd take notice. For example, a coworker who never ever replies to his simple "Good Morning" or talks to him, despite working together for years. I'd be willing to bet he'd say the coworker was a jerk.  But never, ever his darling daughter when she does the same thing.

Like Cajun, I'm disengaged but it does hurt my heart when my SO is hurting. And every interaction (or lack thereof) he has with SD is hurtful to him. It is hard to watch. 

ESMOD's picture

Does he care though?  My family wasn't big on holidays.. if my Brother and I went home for one day.. that was a lot.. and it was often not on "the" day.. many times our SO's families had much more ingrained large family stuff going on.. my family did not (military means you are normally not near extended family).

so.. if she doesn't see the expectation that her dad needs her to spend time over a holiday? going to the new inlaws.. staying intheir good graces.... may be "politically" the right choice for her.  It sounds like she has frequent contact with her dad.. and it doesn't always have to be physical does it?

If he IS hurt.. it is up to him to ask for what he wants though.  she can't read his mind.

Newimprvmodel's picture

You used a key word. Expectations. She has no care about any expectations he may have.  Biggest snub was last Christmas. They traveled a distance of about 4 hrs and stayed at his old house about 50 miles from where we now live. They spent Christmas alone there. The whole following weekdays  and came to visit the end of the week for a night. She was asked.  DH said to me oh maybe they want to be alone. Umm they live together!  That was my reply. 

ESMOD's picture

But really.. he may ask if she has plans.. but you said that in 16 years.. she hasn't spent the holidays with her dad.  That would seem to me a precedent that she wouldn't.. and that it isn't important to him.. and that while he "offers".. he doesn't expect her to say yes.. and is just fine if she chooses other plans.  So there is no expectation that she would come really.. why would she think that this year would be any more important or meaningful than the last 16.. when he never made a point of telling her it would be important to him.  It sounds like he sees and hears from her at other times.. and sure.. they may be more "convenient" times for her.. but he may not make a deal out of it to her.. allowing that a younger person may have more going on.. than a retiree?

I do get that she has hurt your feelings.. by not acknowledging your help.. (wedding etc..) and that you are "hurt on his behalf"... but if this was truly important for him to make this ask of her.. to spend time with him on a holiday?  it's his responsibility for him to speak up in more than a "well I asked if she wanted to" way. 

And.. there are lots of kids that don't super enjoy going "home".. they get advice.. lectures.. opinions they don't like.. they end up reverting to the child/parent relationship.. and it's not fun.  My  YSD doesn't enjoy going home (larger family grandparents/cousins) because she just gets a lot of advice and family drama.. and she isn't taken seriously as the baby of the family.  

Your SD may think her dad is fine with her meeting other social obligations during the holidays... could she be more introspective? maybe.. but 16 years is a pattern.. I wouldn't have high expectations of changing.

In the end... you are off the hook.. so that is a silver lining I guess.. lol


SeeYouNever's picture

I think these kids get alienated and think it's their dad's choice to never see them, even though from a young age they start snubbing. Then they spend the rest of their lives at best ignoring and at worst punishing the dad.

Rags's picture

disown their toxic adult ill behaved spawn.

In many of the situations that so many in blended family life with highly toxic COD semi-adult spawn are in, disowning them completely and moving on with one's own life is not only an option but in many cases is advisable.


"I am your dad and I do and always will love you. However, due to your rude snubbing of me over the years, you no longer are worthy of access to  my love or a place in my life. If you ever mature, become a person of character and honor and approach me appropriately  and respectfully we may some day have a relationship. Until then, I disown you and want nothing to do with you. The future of our relationship is now entirely on  you.  Good luck. Buh-bye"

Newimprvmodel's picture

He has always made a point of demanding respect from our kids. He even uninvited one to a holiday celebration a few years ago being disrespected and taken for granted.  

Newimprvmodel's picture

My husbands daughters along with their mother crucified and abused my husband during the divorce that ensued after yrs of the wife cheating on him. I'm sure some of you old timers recall the awful alienation that happened. I won't repeat it. DH lives in light and sunshine with his kids. So fearful they will walk away again. Not invited to your only grandchild's first birthday party?  Oh who cares?  No problem. I'm going to keep chasing you.  And that is what they witnessed with their mother. The chasing. Meaning that my DH existed for their needs. And to some degree that is exactly what goes. Even with the daughter he speaks with every few days. She knows that she should spend time with her dad. She rotates holidays with her mother and then bf relatives. Ever since I am in the picture she stopped the holidays.  
Is it possible to have normal interactions with parents when severe alienation occurred for years?  I don't know. 

Flustered's picture

Don't expect the SD to change. Mine didn't. It was alway go to her ( deceased) mothers family  on holidays. My DH was snubbed bcuz he remarried. He just said please do it, I don't want to either but..... so we did. They never invited his sister who was raising SD. After  about 5/6 years ago both grandparents had died and SD had us at her place. Sweet to her dad, I was ignored. My BD started doing holidays 3 years ago as she was never invited. My BD Loved her SF. She was devastated when he died.

Then after my husband died, SD has been horrendous . She didn't even say hello yesterday, not even an answer to my text.. My BD? She even invited SD who never answered. If a SK never gets involved? You can't make them. If they snub you, ignore it. Worry about your DH.

Rags's picture

even when the toxic SKids parent dies, or .... wfor us.... hen the XILs try to keep you in the fold after the marriage to their toxic spawn has ended.

My XILs tried for years to keep me in the fold.  The SpermGrandHag tried to maintain control over my bride.  

Neither of us tolerated it or engaged. Except in the case of my bride whose engagement with SpermGrandHag and the SPermClan was to protect our son and destroy them when they plyed their toxic crap.

I do have a question. Why did you text the nasty SD?  Why did your DD text her?

The addage of "it hurts when I do this" followed by the doctor telling you "then don't do that" applies.

You and DD caused your own pain this holiday by reaching out to that nasty hell spawned SD.


Flustered's picture

Nothing but trying to be decent - a "group text" to  all family of Happy Thanksgiving. Seeing she didn't respond? The whole family is aware ( a good thing for me). She didn't even answer her aunt, her Dads sister. BD was being decent asking her to dinner ( we figured 99.9%  SD wouldn't respond and come/ she didn't. We gave her that . 1% figuring if her SO was busy, she might.

Honestly? One SIL is actually not/ she is widow of my DH's 1st wife's brother. She and her daughter and grandkids are wonderful to me.



Rags's picture

My DW was one to maitain positivity that the SpermClan would eventually stop with their toxicity. Her thoughts were that is she went easy on them, they would go easy on SS and his SpermLand visitations would be drama free.

Nope, It was not until DW came to the realization that the easier on them she was, the more manipulative they were with SS.  

At that point she went to the position that they complied with the CO, period.  

On revision of my above commment, you did the right thing. You were decent, the rest of the family saw it, and SD performened to expectations.  And.... the rest of the family saw it.

You and DD absolutely did the right thing.

Give rose