Stressed with spouses 3 daughters
Hi, I am new here and like many if you I am really struggling. I love my partner but I am struggling to like and have a relationship with his daughters. The backstory on this is the mother is narcissistic. The girls never saw him and I wasn't allowed to meet them for the first 3 years we dated. They weren't around much and never started staying at his house until shortly after I moved in. That was 2 years ago. We have been together for 7 years. The girls who were in their teens at the time were so ungrateful and would leave a mess when they came there but my partner assured me he was working on thjngs with them. Fast forward last March the girls have a huge blow out with their mother and come to live with us. They are not in contact with the mother. Since they have been living with us I'm coming out of my skin. The oldest one is not too bad, middle one takes everything in the house and hoards it in her room. She is 19. She and the younger one who is now 16 invade our/my privacy they have been asked to stay out of certain places and to please return things they borrow. I can't trust them because they don't take care of their own thjngs much less have respect for that of others. I also have nothing in common really with any of them. I've tried to make a connection w the youngest one, she has a punk attitude, she does nothing she sleeps and snapchats.. thankfully she just got a job.. but dad doesn't feel that things should be cleaned and their room should be semi neat. They constantly are calling and texting him, which I don't mind so much but it's always when we are talking or trying to interact and he always answer then talk to them for a hour. They are frustrated with me because they feel I micromanage the house. I feel they are slobs who can't follow directions and maintain the house.. they are adults for the most part. I've tried talking I've tried connecting. Out of guilt my spouse buys them cars pays for gas, insurance, phones.. etc and the 2 younger ones can't even ask me if I need help in the kitchen. The oldest one is always trying to be somewhat helpful. They want me to be more nurturing.. but in all honesty I deeply struggle with this because I don't like the people they are.. they act many ways like their mother and I cringe when I see it happening. The youngest one's main concern is what people can do for her.. taking her to social engagements and catering to things she wants to do. There is so much more here, but I feel the best thing for me to do at this juncture is move out. I have no kids of my own. I don't want to uproot my life again but I'm not seeing another choice. Any advice would be helpful
Allowing spawn to run between the homes of opposite parents
rather than sticking to the COd visitation schedule is an idiot move. Blow up or not, if BM is the CP, she gets the kids except on your DH's visitation schedule. That only applies for minor childrne. Adult children are guests and only then when they are invited. Guests in the sense of their welcome presence in your home. They are not guests when it comes to being served, etc... They are guests with chore lists. They clean up after themselves and their own families. They help cook and clean up after meals, they keep their crap in order, make the bed that they sleep in every AM, etc, etc, etc....
Time for daddy to grow a pair and put his spawn in their place. They follow YOUR rules or they GTF out.
Yes exactly!! They have a chore list that wasn't followed pretty much at all. Still isn't. My spouse has gone back to court.. they still have joint custody but they don't see their mother. She will not allow them in the house, won't allow them to get any of their belongings and he isn't calling her up telling her she is an idiot and trying to fix the situation. He is leaving that to the kids. The oldest one who will be 22 told me last night a list of what she wasn't going to tolerate from me anymore and that she is setting boundaries. And my spouse said she was expressing her feelings.. oh ok didn't sound like feelings to me.. sounded like the kids telling the adults what to do .. ps no bed making is enforced her nor is cleaning your sheets!
Lol sd22 doesn’t get to tell you her boundaries and what you
Can or cannot do in your home that you share with their dad. She can make whatever rules she wants in her own home.
this has miniwife behaviour and the fact their mum is a narc, red flags all around
unless your husband sits them down and lay down the law, there Won't be any progress and you will start resenting him, it will kill your intimacy.
i dealt with sd miniwife crap mid 2017 and by end of that yr had enough. Told my husband i didn't want to be around them and to manage his relationship with them away from me and our 2 toddlers. Few months after that eldest sd who was 23 calls crying with fake tears guilting my husband for marrying and having 2 kids with me saying he did that to replace them when they cut off contact for over 5.5 yrs over lies. They essentially tried to do the typical its us or her bs.
biomum likely hasn't parented these girls well with respect for boundaries and privacy, basic life skills and then shits hit the fan and she doesn't want to deal with the aftermath, kicks sd's out for daddy and his fiance to deal with
as 2 are adults, they are guests in your home and go by your rules. By your husband refusing to ensure your home is harmonious, that sd's do basic chores and keeping home tidy, he is showing that everything revolves around their wants and you do not matter
You are so spot on and I
You are so spot on and I wholeheartedly appreciate your input
The only way you can solve this is sadly make your fiance
Fear upsetting you more over upsetting skids.
even my husband who is a guilty disney dad at times, refuses to ditch us like sd's want. He knows if i left him because of all the skid issues and because he refuses to parent and choose them over me and our 2 minor kids that its for nothing
they barely have a relationship, hubby knows they would leave him if i left him because of their crap behaviour that hubby refuses to address and he would grow a lonely old man.
rags here offered great advice. I finally one day said he clearly wasn't interested in protecting me from their bs, he clearly didn't respect or love me because if he did, he would not allow this crap to continue and therefore since he has no interest in change and ensuring our home is harmonious and this toxic cycle of dysfunction ends, that divorce is the only option
it was then it hit him he's making excuses and refusing to address things for pathetic skids with the most pathetic excuses and they aren't worth it
We had a heated discussion
We had a heated discussion this am about how I do not need to always have an opinion and I should keep my opinion to myself. Locking things in the house make the kids feel this is not their home apparently. The way I act is selfish and I should try to b their friend and stop criticizing them.. please everyone pray I find a house quickly! I can't deal with this crap for much longer.
Your personal stuff is your stuff that skids need to respect
And not steal.
when me and hubby were away on holiday once, his son was about 20 and called at midnight. Hubby thinking its an emergency then answers and it was ss laptop had broken down and he tells his dad he is taking the touchscreen laptop in tv cabinet
his dad is confused what laptop? Till he realised it was my laptop and ss had been snooping through it. Hubby tells him it's actually my laptop so hubby needs to ask me if its ok
i told off hubby that me and your son have no relationship, he shuns and ignores me like me and our kids do not exist in this home and now feels ab entitlement to my belongings and has no shame taking them.
i told him in future not my problem!!
now i had another soare laptop much bulkier so i did loan that to ss and hubby still called ss beforehand multiple times offering a suggestion between the 2 to which i told hubby off whilst on phone with ss that my touchscreen laptop is staying right with me (we were flying back to my country and i wanted to bring my laptop for studying and my kids to watch some videos etc).
after that never again did ss ask daddy for my things
you can't possibly wanna marry into this. None of them respect you, your privacy and belongings and your gaslighted constantly as the problem
Yes! I let his daughter
Yes! I let his daughter borrow my golf clubs.. Those didn't come home for 4 days. She had the nerve to ask to borrow sandals.. good thing her father bought me another pair. She trashed them! Like why wouid I want these kids borrowing my things!
If they have no respect for your personal belonging
They always come back damaged or bits missing, then no to borrowing.
i made it clear to hubby if ss damaged my laptop, then hubby was buying me a new one
Your partner is being
Your partner is being ridiculous. You have every right to expect some privacy in your own home, and for your belongings to be respected. Move out asap. You may love your partner, but he is not behaving like a loving partner. He should be parenting his children (i.e., requiring chores, good behavior and respect for you), not chastising you. You should be his priority. And he should be dragging BM back to court to formalize the custody situation of the one minor child. He is failing you and your relationship - badly.
You could continue to date him while living apart if you think the current situation is short lived, but frankly, he's shown you where you stand, and it's far from the top of his list.
OMG. No. Effing. Way. I'd
OMG. No. Effing. Way. I'd tell her that she can set boundaries and expectations when she has her own apartment, which she is more than old enough to have! Expressing her feelings?!?! Again, she can get her own apartment and express her feelings all she wants to the walls but right now she's in your home and she is a guest. I wanted to say something else but was pretty sure I would get into trouble, so I'll leave it at that.
OMG, I'm so mad for you. I can't stand these young adults acting the way they do and it all goes back to SH&TTY parenting! How is it these adult skids act like they are entitled to live with their parents/stepparents?????? OMG.
See my post below. You need to extricate yourself from this situation.
It's enraging isn't it? I
It's enraging isn't it? I actually think went back to teaching elementary school this year because I couldn't stand similar behaviors from the kids I taught in high school. The 22 yr old is totally the Mini wife and my bf is the Disney dad. He thinks it should be ok for the 16 yr old to have friends not friend but plural friends over when we r at work or on vacation. Boys even.. I'm like who the hell are you? His issue is he fought long and hard for them to live With us and he will be damned if they want to go back to their mother and tell her they don't like living with us. This is all selfishness on his end
That *is* enraging. It's
That *is* enraging. It's time to pull the plug on this relationship, or at least live separately until he gets his ill behaved kids launched, which may be a looong time.
Very enraging. I'm so so
Very enraging. I'm so so sorry you are going through this! :(
This is definitely a mini-wife and Disney dad situation. And I was raised (and would do them same if I had kids) that there is not any company when the adults aren't home, opposite sex company in particular. But we were not allowed to have friends over if there was not one of our parents at home.
OMG yes, your SO is definitely being selfish.
Please find your way to a better place - this is madness!
You should have handed the list back to her then told her that
all it was is toilet paper because the only place that could have come from was out of her ass though getting it out of her own ass while her head was up there must have been challenging.
She is a Spawn. Not a real girl. Not only does she not get a say, at all, she does not even rate as a consideration.
She is 22, she is out, and she should not be allowed back. Not even for a visit.
Welcome to the site!
Sorry to say this, especially to a brand new forum member on her first post, but if you have a resident SD22 (who shouldn't even be living with you at her age), who gave you a list of behaviour and your DH backed her up then I think it's time to be lawyering up. Before you do, you could try giving HIM an ultimatum of what you expect from him and his princesses, but from what you've said I think it will fall on stony ground.
Don’t be sorry
Please don't be sorry. You are spot on. we are not married though and my name isn't even on the house. I've decided to look for a new home and go from there if the relationship is even worth my time. I just needed to vent and find out.. am I crazy? Should teenage women and those in their 20's living w us not be expected to clean up properly, make their beds, take the trash out, help in the kitchen etc? They treat their own stuff like shit, I don't want them messing w my things I'm not their mother. So I lock my things up. I don't feel it's ok for the kids to be running the house. It should be what the adults say goes and that's it
There's nothing crazy about
There's nothing crazy about you. Your expectations are perfectly normal. To start with, the older two are old enough to work and get their own place together. There's no need for them to be mooching off of their father. If they don't like the way you run your home, they don't have to stay. You must have been seriously tempted to drop kick the one who gave you a list of what she'd tolerate in your home right out the window...
Honestly? I think you're right. Look for another place for yourself. Your husband clearly does not have your back so why bother trying to fight his horde of daughers? Find a new appartment and calmly pack your bags and leave them without any explanation. You wll be SO much happier, I promise. Beware of being sucked back into their pigsty and also of becoming a FWB to your DuH.
Very pleased to hear you are
Very pleased to hear you are looking for a new home. Of course you are not crazy, these young women should be contributing to the life of the household of course, and be grateful that you are giving them house room. But enough is enough - your partner is a spineless fool.
I agree 100%. I think I would
I agree 100%. I think I would have laughed in her face.
I would have stared her down and said (with just a soupcon of menace but an incredibly straight face), "don't make me angry... you wouldn't like me when I'm angry..,)".
And then I'd have sent her to
And then I'd have sent her to her room ... without dinner. This brat is in your home on suffrance. Dow not miss an opportunity to put her firmly in her place as "child". YOU are the queen of your castle. Apparently, your husband is the village idiot,
My bf was already yelling at
My bf was already yelling at me telling me I was making them uncomfortable can't imagine what would have gone down if I said that. All of your responses have made me realize this is more of messed up situation than I thought
He's going to be a very
He's going to be a very lonely old man....
He's going to be a very
He's going to be a very lonely old man....
Nah his kids will still be
Nah his kids will still be living with him!
Yes, until they find their
Yes, until they find their life partners, get married., have children, and then what? They are not going to sit around doting on DOD. They are not going to care much about dear old daddy because he brought them up to only worry about themselves He had better not hav any health problems...
What you sow, you reap.
And an old geezer whose life
And an old geezer whose life is run by his greedy and selfish daughters is NO catch.
The 22 year old has never had
The 22 year old has never had a boyfriend, she is too busy playing mommy and wanting to run the house. The middle one goes to penn state and she can b slutty but runs all over her bfs I doubt any marriage will last for her. The 16 yr old ... once they see how lazy and useless she is the boys run..either way, not my monkeys or circus
Your bf is essentially saying, because you’re older
Suck it up and be the adult. Thats code for "i'm a weak man with no balls and refuse to address this for fear of world war 3 happening. So I encourage and allow sd crap behaviour to continue & you must happily tolerate them shitting on uou repeatedly
That's exactly what it feels
That's exactly what it feels like yes.
BM is crazy. Yiu can’t fix that
Your BF is a bad parent. Most likely you can't fix that. Time to get a exit plan. These kids are never going to leave. They will be adults , not working , and craziness will always will go on. You think they will find someone to marrie them. Or do you think new husband will move it. So he can support the new husband too
Thank you so much
Yes I did want to drop kick the one giving me her list of what she was going to tolerate. I do feel my bf is a shit parent he said he likes his parenting style because it suits his personality. Well rockstar u will be supporting those kids with your retirement money. He has bought them all cars, he pays for gas, insurance, college, phones, etc. the oldest one does have her own phone that's all she pays for at this point at almost the age of 22. I don't understand. I try to see he is a kind and caring man and just wants to love his children but this is ridiculous. U can show love and not spoil them w no requests in return. The youngest one all she cares about is herself and who can take her to her friends etc. they do have jobs which is one good thing that's required.. but after that not much is expected. I've decided I'm not cooking anymore. I do and no one helps, only the oldest one ever asks if she can. No one empties the dishwasher or offers to help w anything else. How about u ask dad if u can help wash his boat or the jet ski u like to use all summer? How about u ask if he needs u to do anything then do it right and stop your whine ass complaining. I don't get it
If his parenting style suits
If his parenting style suits his personality that just means he's lazy ... because he isn't actually parenting. I hope you aren't footing the bills for them. If you are, it's time to cut back. You shouldn't be paying more thn 20% of any bills/rent that come in. How about starting to order a maid service once a week to clean up the place and charge it to your bf?
How did your bf react to his princess's list of boundaries? Did he find them justified? I hope not.
He told me this was her
He told me this was her expressing her feelings. No he didn't tell them they couldn't talk to me like shit, but when I got angry and lashed back that wasn't ok. I was supposed to apologize for how I made them feel. I'm like wtf? Now because I lock doors and don't allow them in my space they are locking their bathroom downstairs. Which is just immature. and I'm pretty sure the father is supporting it because they have a key over the door they wouldn't have access to other wise
So not only is he a crap
So not only is he a crap father, he's a crap husband too. How long do you think you'll last before you lose all respect for him?
I've already lost respect
I've already lost respect that's why im Leaving. I can't be with someone who doesn't feel I should b the adult in the house
I'm glad to hear that. I'm
I'm glad to hear that. I'm sure your life will improve many times over once you leave.
I feel you are right thank
I feel you are right thank you so much for your support
How they "feel" is entirely their choice and has absolutely
nothing to do with you.
Fee fees always seem to be "someone else's fault" and never the fault of the one choosing those fee fees.
what approach do i take with the kids at this point?
Hi all, I am overwhelmed at the support this site offers and I just wanted to say thank you so much for helping me out with my issue. At this point I am looking for my own home. I told my BF I am not compromising my comfort, nor am I going to live 20 miles from work just so you can get me out of the house and resume your circus. So this may take a couple of months. Even if i find something tomorrow, I will still have to go through a closing etc. I can't get an apartment because I have a dog or i would do that for a period of time. Does anyone have any advice on the approach i should take with the kids at this point? The oldest one ignored me for a day, but has now been talking to me. The middle one is at school so wasnt there when the fireworks happened, and the youngest one wont look at me, or even say hello. Any advice on how to make it more comfortable until i leave.
How about disengaging
How about disengaging entirely. You take care of your needs and nobody else's, no cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc. for anyone other than yourself. Let them miss you before you actually leave. OTOH, remain polite and pleasant at all times. Don't let them be able to find fault. You have no more responsibility towards any of them.
Good luck finding your new home!
Don't even try to make it more comfortable for anyone but
Let them starve, etc... Start moving your stuff to a storage unit and abandon them all to their own devices immediatley and stay that course until you are long gone.
The feelings and comfort of toxic morons, should never be your concern.
Ok yes, I will do that, you
Ok yes, I will do that, you are right, it's just better that way, they can figure it out for themselves
Run. Run fast and run far.
Run. Run fast and run far. This toxic situation won't change. Daddeeeee is not ever going to parent these kids and BM certainly has done a sh&tty job. No to all of this. NO to the the laziness, the disrespect, the coddling by daddy and the 22 yo telling you how things will be in your house.
You have been more than kind and owe them nothing. I have been in a similar situation and I left. Trust me, nothing changes. And even if changes were to be made, it must start with the parent.
Like Winterglow posted, disengage and be polite until you get out. Do nothing for these kids. Nothing.
Please, save yourself and don't waste any more of your time.
"Showing love" to his kids
"Showing love" to his kids would mean providing actual guidance toward adult resonsibilities and civil behavior, not spending guilt money on them. He's HARMING them, not loving them. Because he's lazy.
I could not tolerate what you have to live with and would be out. Hope you find a comfy place for you and your dog soon. (I also couldn't leave a pet behind.) In the meantime, take care of yourself. Engage in polite conversation, but I would not lift a finger to help any one of the miserable bunch. I'm so angry for you!
Thank you everyone for your support
Im definitely going to keep to myself and hopefully find a really nice place to live in peace! I dont know about all of you but would rather be alone than putting up with this crazy ass shit
Found a house
Hi everyone! I found a house and put an offer in! Everyone I am asking for good vibes! This is a competitive market! I'm praying I get it!!
Fingers crossed for you!
Fingers crossed for you! Please keep us posted!
I will thank you!!!
I will thank you!!!
Good luck! That didn't take
Good luck! That didn't take you long to find something. I am waiting for an apartment to become available and it seems like forever. And I have to play like I am staying because I don't want to fight anymore.
Well Bf is helping me find my
Well Bf is helping me find my own place.. telling me so i can be "comfortable". Well i was comfortable in OUR house until it was invaded by your rug rats. Everyone is walking on thin ice right now, being nice, doing most chores because they know I don't play. The place will become a complete zoo when i leave. I have found a vape pen in the youngest ones room or bathroom now twice. I see this stuff. Guaranteed it wont be seen or looked into after I leave. Not gonna be my problem!
Just make sure that you have
Just make sure that you have the ONLY key to your new place Nobody is admitted that you do not wish to see. If your SO turns up with his spawn, let him sit on the doorstep. Do not allow them to cross the threshold. This is YOUR castle.
Oh hell no, they are not
Oh hell no, they are not invited his kids ever. We have not decided what to do with our relationship yet because to me he is a man child and I am pretty resentful of the fact that I am leaving for HIS kids. What is that teaching them on how to treat adults. He says im agry all the time I can't relax and have fun, and that I don't enjoy his children.. WHO THE HELL WOULD! Their mother couldn't even stand them that's why they don't live with her (although she is a looney bin herself). So NOPE they are not allowed at my home. If things continue between us, I told him i need a month or 2 (or more) alone. YOU go handle your circus clowns. I am going to live my life in peace and quiet. But not a chance in hell those kids will be invited to my place an no one will have a key. OH and there will be plenty of cameras!
Sounds good to me BUT do NOT
Sounds good to me BUT do NOT give him a key. This will be your safe haven and he does not get free access to it.
Nope only I will have the key
Nope only I will have the key!
I got the house!!!!!!!!
I got the house!!!!!!!!
That is great news! How
That is great news! How exciting! Congratulations!
Now, you need to beware of your bf realizing that you really are serious about this and also how much he's going to lose when you go ... Once he's paying 100% for four people, doing all the cooking and cleaning and goodness knows what else, he's going to try to sweet talk you into coming back. Have a good laugh when you see the signs.
Oh I feel that! It's not
Oh I feel that! It's not happening and I already told him that. I'm not going to sell my home and have to pay capital gain taxes and I'm not living in a house where I'm not considered the adult. So sorry buddy you are on your own!
Now don't give in - walk away from this situation and move on. Do not give ex a key, don't feel bad and let him come stay with you, even if just for a few days here and there... don't re-open that door. Remember his behavior as a parent will not change and he will always put his daughters first. And they are awful.
You are moving in the right direction! Yay!
Nope there is no staying or
Nope there is no staying or hanging out.. no keys absolutely not
If you are not legally separated, the new house may become marital property. Also, what if DH stops paying bills at the current house, or the house gets trashed by him and his brats?
I think you need to protect yourself.
We r not married
We r not married
Move into your own room. Where you can key lock the door. No cooking, cleaning, no nothing. If kids want to play mommy. They can cook, clean shop. Pay bills do laundry. Do everything that mommy really does . You go to work try to spend time with friends ect.
Find a place to move ASAP
So I've been totally keeping
So I've been totally keeping to myself and I can see the place is seriously going to crumble when I leave. I wanted to use the kitchen sink and Tuna fish was splattered all over it. I know they could see the annoyance in my face. The only reason I cleaned it was so I don't gag when I use the sink. Everyone knows I'm leaving. Sadly I'm sure the kids realize this is because of them. Also their mother kicked them out.. I wonder do they realize that people don't want tot be around them because of how they act?? Im trying to let it sink in that my bf truly thinks this is the right way to raise his kids. I just shake my head
I don't think you are moving
I don't think you are moving because of THEM. But because your BF hasn't raised them well, and the behaviors and lack of respect, stemming from HIM is the problem. He is the root cause and that won't change. That is why you are leaving.
Yes it is because of him. It
Yes it is because of him. It's easy to be resentful to the kids when their father is really to blame. The miniwife has already taken over. She thinks she runs the kitchen and groceries and she is getting annoyed because im packing the house up and virtually most everything but the furniture here is mine. Oh well
So everyone, I dont' have a
So everyone, I dont' have a closing date, but everything is moving towards closing on the new home. Has anyone had the experience where there are packing up to move out and getting looks and crappy attitudes from everyone? This was my BF's idea. Now he is getting upset that I am taking things in the house that I bought so I don't have to buy them for my new house. The 22 year old is giving me the cold shoulder because I have taken things from the kitchen that she uses and I am packing them up because I need them for my OWN house. Just kinda wondering if this has happened to anyone and how you dealt with it. I am just packing and minding my own business being scarce as possible
Tell yourself that it doesn't
Tell yourself that it doesn't matter what they think. Take what is yours. Who cares if they sulk? It's their loss.
I haven't had that experience
I haven't had that experience, but I would use this as a reminder to yourself about WHY you are leaving. It is in-your-face evidence that YOU are not important, but the THINGS you provide are.
So he knows you are leaving?
So he knows you are leaving? Hopefully he didn't put up much of a fight.
My ex also complained about what I was taking, not my furniture that I brought to the marriage but the kitchen stuff. I feel I was very fair, plus I'm the one that cooked most of the time. He blew a gasket when he found out I took all the spice cabinet things. I left him salt and pepper. I was like WTH? He can just go to the stupid store!
My friend pointed out he was fixating on the things rather than the fact I was no longer there so it was easier for him to be upset about why I was going.
Yes he wants me to leave. He
Yes he wants me to leave. He feels this is the best thing for him and his kids he said. He parents out of guilt, so he wants all his little girls.. who should be acting like adults to feel "comfortable". I am starting to see why now their mother threw them out... The oldest one was happy when I found my home, but now that I am packing all my stuff.. like all the kitched stuff she uses, she is cold and avoids me. Her and her sister threw away all the toiletries I gave them, I found them in the garbage just to be spiteful. So I am taking any thing I have given them now without question as I am certain they are selfish and unappreciative. Spoiled and rotten to boot. I do feel that yes my BF is fixating on things rather that the fact that I will actually be gone. We are not really interacting much either because I have just been sleeping in the spare room and keeping to myself. I'm done with his disney dad crap and his miniwife oldest daughter at this point. The middle one is coming home from college for the weekend next weekend and I am dreading it. I should be able to close soon on my house, it can't come fast enough!
That's about what it feels
That's about what it feels like. I feel like I've wasted 7 years of my life. I've given and helped and been there. This is what I get in return. How sad
My XW wanted to trade me the high quality stuff my parents gave
us for the crap she bought when she moved out.
Nope, Keep your shit, I'll keep mine. Oddly this all occurred after she had proposed that things her family and friends had given us as wedding gifts she would keep and I would keep the things that my family and friends had gifted us.
As my then STBXFIL and my STBXW were pulling out of the driveway to move her shit the locksmith was driving up the street to re-key the locks. She left. The house we had bought 3mos before she filed for divorce was no longer her home. I made sure she had no access to my home. She still was an owner, but she was no longer welcome.
I understand the feeling regarding wasting time and part of our lives on crap partners and crap failed family progeny. I certainly felt that and still do regarding the part of me I gave up during my blessedly short marriage to my aduterous XW. Fortuneately it was only 2.5 years and no children were involved nor were any created.
Do not worry about the idiots. Take care of you.
They can order what they think they need and have it delivered same day. Their comfort, etc, are no longer your concerns.
Sorry I'm back to vent! This
Sorry I'm back to vent! This move can't come fast enough! Argument with the Bf tonight. Telling me his therapist thinks I am wrong. He is telling me I had an opportunity to create a bond with his kids and I didn't do that. Instead I wanted to change the people they are. Omg this is frightening.. he also said he feels the kids are doing way better than he expected and he is proud of them. I said everyone needs to be part of the team and participate in helping in this house.. he said I'm being petty.. that the most important thing is creating bonds with the kids and enjoying their company and I don't do that.. the move can't come fast enough!
I hope no full grown, mature
adult women buys into his absurd view on what his romantic partner's role should be in her own home. The girls sound like complete slobs that have never been taught that even as adults they are children in their parents home, not peers and they need to respect their parent and partner as the heads of the household and owners of the content of said household. I am sure there are women out there desperate enough to accept last place in their own home or worse that get tricked in like you were until the girls moved in. I am glad you are getting out. I would start putting stuff especially important papers or valuables into a storage unit for safekeeping until your house comes through.
That's what I feel like I'm
That's what I feel like I'm in last place. He told me he has compromised enough for me and that I should be enjoying their company and having fun with them. This is the most twisted view of what a parent should think or say it's like I don't even know this person that I've been with for 7 years
when he throws his verbal
when he throws his verbal garbage at you remind him of how happy and comfortable everyone will be with you gone. his daughters will have the control they want w/ no rules or expectations and you will be able to have the tidy calm home you crave. He will get his wish of having his little girls be happy. Win/win/win! (he and they will not like this but wh the hell cares at this point.))
That's funny you say that he
That's funny you say that he feels he won. That's exactly what I said. And he admits he parents out of guilt.. he says he does a lot out of guilt.. hmmm and that's apparently not an issue for him. I got the "you r not a parent speech" as many of you have received and that I treat all kids like kids I teach.. um I've been a teacher for 20 years how is that a bad thing. I can't believe for such a smart man who owns a successful business he is this clueless. And although I didn't say this to him, I feel at the first opportunity for the kids to go back and live with their mother they will dust his ass and be like "bye bye daddy". Then he will be sitting in a big empty house alone. I am eternally grateful that I'm here and everyone here sees what I am saying. I really have thought I was a complete fruitcake.
But is winning by default
But is winning by default really winning? He only got his daughters because his ex kicked them out.
He is a very good talker so I
He is a very good talker so I guarantee he is glossing over what is happening here. He wants to take time away and revisit our relationship in a couple of months. I said how do you know that's what I want? I don't see his attitude changing. I do see the kids getting much worse in my absence and him tip toeing around it because he is so worried they will leave and go back to mommy. He doesn't see that is more than likely going to happen anyway. He hasn't had any contact with mom he doesn't even really know why she kicked them out. It could of been completely legit. I think she wanted to send them to his house so he can get a taste of what they are like to live with
yes i am dreaming of peace
yes i am dreaming of peace and quiet!
I was on the edge of my seat!
WOW, what an intense thread Mapap! I read your first initial post, then ALL the comments...SO GLAD you are getting out, and sooner than later - congrats on your new home purchase! What a huge burden lifting off you.
It sounds like youve got a really good healthy mental outlook. I came here almost 6 years ago, and Im still in it, but its not to the point where you were...not by a long shot. Glad you made it here and got the support and advice you needed :D.
I would recomend not engaging in converstation regarding parenting or his Kidults. It will only end in frustration for you. Keep it light and friendly, in case something goes off kilter and you need something in the future. Try not to take the eldest Spawns attitude personally. Detach as much as you can. You are perfectly within ALL your rights, just keep sailing straight ahead to freedome.
I would say you dodged a HUGE bullet with this one. He might be cute, rich or you might be super in love, he might have the goldemember - but just know this - Love is not enough. None of these things will erase the ultimate fact that hes a crap father and has crap kids.
Keep us posted - your journey will sustain many in your same shoes.
thank you so much for your
thank you so much for your support! It's funny you say love was not enough. He said that same thing to me last night. I did after our discussion send him an email regarding this and I said that this was my last email on this discussion and I wanted to put it to rest. I don't want to end on bad terms but this is clearly NOT a healthy situation. I too see a therapist and for lack of a better way to say it, she thinks this is total bullshit. Here is what I wrote, and I am sure he will find fault, but in all honesty as this point I'm done with this, I dont't care, I have offered my help, my advice, and my care, none of it was good enough. I am just so thankful there are others like me who completely understand.
I am sorry that you don’t and cannot see things from my perspective and vice versa. I feel that in a very short time, maybe not in 2 months you will end up understanding where I am coming from as I feel there are going to be significant changes in your home after I leave.
Here are a few things to consider:
Parenting or doing anything for that matter out of guilt is not a true representation of what is fair and good for anyone involved. Over giving and allowing kids to do what they want and act how they want because you feel guilty for not being there in the past is not serving your present or future relationship with your children nor is it fostering respect for you or anyone you bring into your life. It WILL have an impact on your children in the future and that is something i feel you deeply need to take into consideration.
The feeling that you have “won '' deeply clouds your judgment and perspective on what is actually happening with your children in the home. I am very happy for you that you have your children with you, however, you are so focused on the fact that you finally won and have them, that you will do ANYTHING to keep them there which includes appeasing them, overlooking bad behaviors, and allowing them to do what they want with very little to no real expectation. I feel that will backfire on you as well. I am not sold on the fact that you shouldn’t have called their mother regardless of what line of bullshit she fed you. SHE is still their mother and as the CO parent you have every right and should absolutely be involved when things like that happen. Not just shying away and having zero communication about it with her (whether she is right or wrong doesn’t matter)
3.You lectured her on not being a good co-parent, yet you have had no contact with her after the kids left the home and had no idea if there was any if all validity in some of her actions. Regardless, it's your job to try and help them fix that relationship.. Why ? because you are a BIGGER person and an adult. Not to mention you are the co parent and trying to settle things with her so that your children feel better should be your top priority. They hate that she is mean to them, yet you have done nothing to address that with her and call her stupid ass out on it so that hopefully she recognizes what a horrible impact she is having on the kids not having their mother in their life in some capacity. So essentially, that doesn’t make you a very good co parent either.
I feel you DON’T do that because you are deeply afraid that if they finally have a relationship with mom they are out of your home. And unfortunately, I see that eventually happening anyway. I know you want to believe they are going to be loyal to you, but the first sign of you putting your foot down and not letting the house become a zoo, I feel you will find they will start seeking the solace of mommy. And even if that doesn’t happen, I still eventually see them getting back in the good graces of mom and returning to their home. Do you really feel they are going to split equal time at both of your homes? I doubt it. You will be sitting in a 5 bedroom home with a pool you didn’t want all by yourself. That is my fear for you.
You don’t want to be like their mother, but what you are doing is showing them that if they don’t like what adults are doing, they just have to complain and someone will get rid of them. Doesn’t show respect for adults. And worse, just like their mother… when it's not working with someone you kick them out of your house and your life you don’t compromise, you don’t work it out as a family or a team.
All of this is more my concern and the fact that you and I were not a united front and they knew that. They have no respect for me because you didn't really back me up. You were wishy washy on it and they sensed that, how do i know because i sensed it.
If you didn’t want my way of doing things, it would have been much easier for you to tell me that and I would have bought my own home when I sold mine rather than pretend this was going to work. You have had excuses for this, but in reality there are no real excuses for this, you either fully support me and back it up and practice it all the time or you don’t. It’s simple.
I deeply feel that in the coming months you are going to come to some realizations that much of the stuff i am saying isn’t that far off base. It may not be completely on base, however, it’s not a far shot. You think i do things to make my life easier, I do and say things because i feel as time goes on you are going to get very tired you want to retire, and catering to 3 young adults who can’t cope with and manage their own lives is going to really start to wear on you and your physical and mental health. Much of this has no real effect on me, but it affects you and affects them. Not having healthy boundaries and carrying out regular basic life skills will no doubt have an impact. I am not saying there hasn’t been improvement because there has, unfortunately it’s your approach such as feeling you need to do anything to keep the kids there, or guilt style parenting that is going to bite you in the ass. No one is saying you are a bad parent. But just because you are a parent doesn’t automatically make you a good one. There are plenty of parents like your ex wife that are actual parents and complete train wrecks. Just because someone doesn’t bear their own children doesn’t mean they are clueless as to how children should act or behave, and doesn’t mean they don’t see how their parent is approaching parenting that may have a negative impact on themself, their kids, and their relationship. I don’t feel you see this. But regardless of how selfish you think I am, I do hope you see without my presence how things can be improved, which mainly has to do with the “why” you do what you do or don’t do if that makes sense. I just hope you really think about all this, maybe read it to your therapist but just take all this into consideration.
Yes i agree, I don't feel
Yes i agree, I don't feel they are loyal to him, and they will definitely leave the moment mom comes back into the picture. They want to live with her. I don't even feel they really try to hide that fact. I agree that he won't realize it, but I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. He does take the easy way out, that is classic for what he has done with them. He likes being the disney dad, and one day like I said, when he wants to retire, he is going to still be taking care of his kids.
I can see exactly what is
I can see exactly what is going to happen. The 22 year old is going to run the house, thats what she wants as she did it at her mother's becaue her mother was drugged up half the time. She is classic miniwife. The middle one is at college most of the time so that won't be a real big issue. The youngest one is going to do whatever she wants when no one is home and the shit will eventually hit the fan. She has potential to let kids over, they will be in the liquor cabinet, or they will steal money from his room or screw up something else expensive in the house. He will lose it on her and the miniwife will step in and try to parent, That will not fair well with dad and there will be a blow out. That i guarantee is what happened at moms. Once there is a big blow out they will call mom crying or upset and she will finally let them come back. I wouldn't doubt if there is a cycle of back and forth for a while. Either way, I won't be there.. not my problem.
Oh wow.. just overheard a
Oh wow.. just overheard a conversation.. daddy is buying the 22 year old another car! This will be the 2nd car he has bought her. God help me this closing can't come fast enough! This could be a book or movie.. you can't make this crap up!
Great message to the STBX.
Though I would advise that written communication be kept to a minimum. It can often bite in contentious break up situations.
My divorce was pre digital communication so .... all of the interface was in person.
That let me vent in private and allowed me to keep my head in the game during face to face discussions. I am sure that any number of people commuting when I was had thoughts of insanity on my part watching me rant while alone in my car at stop lights, etc.....
I hope he has the character and intellect to take your input, consider it, and apply it effectively. Unlikely, but the spirit in which you gave it makes that my hope for you.
Thank you. Luckily we are not
Thank you. Luckily we are not married. So he can take what I am saying for face value and integrate it into his dysfunctional thinking or he can just ignore it. I've received no response from him and usually he would fire an email back but I got nothing. That makes me think I've stuck a nerve. Regardless of whether I did or not he is stuck making his choices and throwing away a 7 year relationship down the drain. I do sincerely feel he will end up in the house alone at some point in the next year
Someone tell me if I'm wrong.
Someone tell me if I'm wrong. I've talked about the fact that I've bought a house. To do so I've drained some retirement accounts which I'm taking a 15k hit on. So bf said he would make that up because this is his idea for me to move. Additionally I didn't ask him to do this but the interest rates are 7% on loans. He is going to finance it through his real estate company my name will be on the mortgage solely. And I will pay him at 4% interest rate. Ok I agreed and said thank you. Because his kids have all my furniture he bought me new furniture. Again I appreciated it. I've communicated with him what I was going to take from the house and he was fine with it. But now I've taken those things and I'm being a selfish petty asshole according to him. I said I have communicated what I was taking. He said he shouldn't have to tell me what not to take and that I'm being cheap and not generous. I'm very confused.. maybe I'm wrong. I've tried to organize things .. we had double of a lot of things because we combined two homes a couple years ago. I'm taking those things and anything I've added that I will need. I've left plenty of things for him that we had double. What is the deal?
Why worry about what "his deal" is?
Take the loan (I am assuming that it is unsecured), take your stuff, and leave him to simmer in the stench of his shallow and polluted gene pool.
Do not give him or them a second thought and get on with the next amazing phase of YOUR life. Take the lessons from this 7yr shit show and be incredible in your life.
He and they will suffer what they have earned.
Ugh. Someone here said this..
Ugh. Someone here said this.. they value what you have brought into the house more than they value you. I'm believing that now for sure
Time to stop caring what he
Time to stop caring what he thinks. Make sure you run anything you have to sign past your lawyer first. Just in case. Some people can be unbelievably petty.
Yes I agree will do. What a
Yes I agree will do. What a mess. He' was also mad because he thinks because his kids are an extension of him and he has done so much for me that I should have let his kids use my things.. I said you are kidding right?
His kids are an extension of him. They are shit.... so....
he is shit.
Pretty easy logic. Shit usually struggles with logic.
He yelled at me 3 different
He yelled at me 3 different times today about how they are an extension of him and if I loved him I should have loved them and allowed them to use my things after all he had done for me. I asked him if he was really hearing himself. Because this was the most f'ed up thing I have ever heard in my entire life. Has anyone ever been told this?? You should love their kids and just let them use all your stuff!? This is madness! I don't care. I'm in my room. I'm locking the door and I'm counting down the days. I'm just grateful I can get this house and vent here because clearly this is where im understood
He's mad because they're mad.
He's mad because they're mad. He made his mess, focus forward and day dream about what awaits you. peace, respect, people who care. You will move on and I think he''s taking his real fear of you actually standing up for yourself and he's turning it into anger. Remind him when he complains that this is the best solution for all. You get your need to live a happy, calm life. He gets his kids w/out your need for cleanliness and respectful behaviors. They get rid of you.
Keep focusing forward! Maybe consider getting a pet after you move. Look into clubs, classes, hobbies. Find people to replace the ones who don't treat you like you should be treated.
No one likes to get dumped. Even when they are at fault.
He knows that he is shit, and his spawn are shit. He will blame you. Celebrate your escape and leaving them behind.
With his re-commitment to being a toxic asshole , take everything. If you paid a cent towards it, take it. Make your departure overt, painful for him/them, and get on with your life.
During the demise of my first marriage, fortunately I had the time to grieve, hurt, be angry, etc... Though I was not the cause nor the instigator of the divorce. My XW had a dating problem that unbeknownst to me until the end she was very actively and intimately engaged in. I escaped without sullying my gene pool with that skank.
LIke your DH is, she decided she was the maligned one during the waning period of that hell marriage. Initially she took responsibility for her choice to divorce and made a reasonable settlement offer. Which I accepted. Then as the process progressed, she got all nasty. I held her to the initial offer she made and we agreed to. Ultimately that was what the Judge ordered. For three years there was just about zero contact. Then the banshee resurected over MY house. It was awarded to me in the divorce order when the judge ruled.... "All other property divided as possessed." She had moved out and in with her geriatric Fortune 500 sugar/baby daddy. I possed the house as of the date of the divorce decree. My house. I rented it out when I changed states to finish my BS degree. When the tenants moved out, my XW asked if she could live in my house. I agreed, she paid the mortgage. The home was still in both of our names but... the Divorce order was clear enough that when she started trying to take my home when she wanted to sell it, her baby daddy/cheat buddy cut me a check for 80% of the profits of the sale. I had to agree to the sales contract and would not until I had cash in hand.
After that, I have had zero interface with her. It has been 28+ years.
Stand your ground, keep his/their noses rubbed in their stench, get on with your life. You will have a great life. They will wallow in their rancid shallow gene pool.
As my DW asks our dear friend who is going through a rough divorce after being married 32-ish years... "Is is time to put on the battle maiden armor and kick some ass yet?"
Take care of you.
"should have loved them and
"should have loved them and allowed them to use my things"
That kills me. Doesn't he know how ridiculous that is?What kind of things? Makeup? Hairbrushes? Toothbrushes? Underwear? Sex toys? Stupid, just plain stupid.
"Ah yes, I see, you want them to be able to use me the same way you have for the last 7 years ... Um NOPE."
You are so right! Luckily I
You are so right! Luckily I do have a dog which was mine before the relationship started and she is coming with me. I have already been looking into meet up's and I will more than likely go back to take salsa dancing classes. I need to get my life back. This has just been crazy. I don't know how people do this for way longer than I have. I would be in a mental institution for sure!
That's exactly what it is! He
That's exactly what it is! He thinks they should be able to use me just like they use him! This is insanity. He said don't you think the next man you date is going to expect you to do things and be giving to his children when he is giving to you? I said no he will expect that I am giving to him. And if his children are respectful I will be giving to them. Not to mention I told him because the kids were pissed I was taking things in the house, they threw away a bunch of stuff I gave them. He had the balls to say they didn't do that to hurt you they didn't need it. I said you are f'in delusional! And proceeded to pack my stuff. I already put some things in my car even. Madness my friends complete madness.
I think the email I sent him
I think the email I sent him struck a nerve that's why he is lashing out. He knows I'm leaving, I'm done catering to his 3 princess, and I wrote him an email that bluntly laid out his possible future with them. He didn't respond but he brought up how he didn't respond because it was so ridiculous and hurtful. Hmm ok.. sorry bud when kids keep taking from you and you allow it that's all there will be. When you stop providing they will bounce. Guaranteed
And he will reap the
And he will reap the disadvantages of not laying the law down. It won't matter to me but as soon as I leave they will feel free to trash the house and do what they want. I feel on some level it's seeping in that I won't be making dinner, cleaning, doing laundry, taking out trash... etc. no one would get the mail half the time if I didn't. It's gonna be an eye opener. All in all I feel confident that I'm moving to a better place both physically and mentally. Unfortunately parents like him are creating a society of cry babies who live w their parents forever, have no or mediocre jobs, and expect everything to be handed to them and paid for. As a teacher I see it first hand. It's mind blowing and scary. I say to myself "wow some day these kids are going to be running the country"
Nope! Especially because dad
Nope! Especially because dad likes his hobbies such as hunting golfing and fishing. He is never home. The house will be unrecognizable in 6 months
Hi everyone.. praying this
Hi everyone.. praying this closing happens soon and I can move! It's just getting worse. The oldest one keeps "accidentally" locking me out of the house. And their father thinks it's an accident. Oh ok suddenly we are super responsible and locking doors when we leave when my car is in the driveway and you know I walk the dog every morning.. it can't come fast enough!!
You'll have to take your keys
You'll have to take your keys at all times.
ok yes, usually i have
ok yes, usually i have cameras. Dad took my cameras because he feels its ridiculous that I have such things in the house. I saw one of his daughters taking pictures of some of my stuff, they also mess with it that's why I have the cameras. He won't let me lock up any rooms anymore either which is ridiculous. I have everything in taped up boxes so it's harder to get into. And yes I will look at reedles post and I have now been keeping my keys with me. I'm going to blow up I am trying so hard not to.
Let you? Really?
Your should call a lock smith and put massive dead bolts on every door and make them either code of bio locks. No keys. Don't give anyone access. Let daddy and is toxic spawn live what they have been putting you through.
Yes they are. Ok yes, I will
Yes they are. Ok yes, I will definitely get on getting a safe sooner that I thought. I'm just beside myself that its come to this
Also consider a small storage
Also consider a small storage unit that only you have access to. Get your boxes out of there as you get them packed. They can mess with tape, or just steal the whole box.
I've been bringing some
I've been bringing some important things to work and locking them up and to my parents house. Closing should be early next week. Praying that will Happen. Thank you all so much for this information!
I really have to commend
I really have to commend everyone here who put up w this crap much longer than me. Did anyone have any regrets or feel lonely? Did any of your exes come back? Or did they have some sort of life changing realization??
My XW did not come back
My XW did not come back though she had it in her skank whore head that we could be lovers after the divorce. On that note my thought is that she expected to retain access to my businesses for her benefit. At that time I owned several restaurants. While we were married she would often take her mother, sister, friends out to lunch. I had no problem with that.
She completely lost her shit the first time she tried to sign for lunch for herself and group of her friends and the staff informed her that she was not allowed to eat without paying. That was after she had moved out of our marrital home.
Do not let the stench perpetrate in you life.
As for her having an life epiphany, I don't care. Though there is no indication that has happened. The last update I had from mutual friends many years ago was that she had 3 all out of wedlock children and was on DH #3. I was #1.
Take care of you.
That's a good idea! I am just
That's a good idea! I am just getting used to this site and I just noticed more people use the blog entries. I'll do that! Thank you!
I didn't read the thread, I'm
I didn't read the thread, I'm sorry.
How the girls act now is how they were raised. If their narc mommy never made them clean that's pretty typical. But your DH needs to set clear expectations, especially for the teens. He should be helping to launch the oldest one.
I wouldn't blame the girls. They come by their personalities honestly and if no one ever corrects them then how do they know to do better?
Yes exactly. Dad is not doing
Yes exactly. Dad is not doing anything to help improve their behavior or get the oldest ones launched. In fact, he is telling the oldest one she should stay home and she mentioned moving out when she is done with college in the spring. It's madness.
You deserve a medal
No advice really, I just wanted to say, having read the thread and although the situation I have endured with my partner and the skids is different, a lot of the p*ss taking behaviours and attitudes are similar and a lot of my own frustration and fury I read in your text.
You need a medal for lasting this long and you clearly did the right thing. They're mad because you stood up for yourself and deep down they all know you're going to be better off without these mill stones round your neck.
Congratulations on your new house and new life! Disengage with any communication if you can. Ignore and let his words wash over you, they mean nothing and change nothing. You've got this!!
Thank you so much! Yes this
Thank you so much! Yes this site is keeping me moving forward and not second guessing myself. I'll be very happy to leave this craziness and allow them all to fend for themselves. I have said it before I see it getting much worse without me around but it's not my problem!