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Stressed with spouses 3 daughters

mapap's picture

Hi, I am new here and like many if you I am really struggling. I love my partner but I am struggling to like and have a relationship with his daughters. The backstory on this is the mother is narcissistic. The girls never saw him and I wasn't allowed to meet them for the first 3 years we dated. They weren't around much and never started staying at his house until shortly after I moved in. That was 2 years ago. We have been together for 7 years. The girls who were in their teens at the time were so ungrateful and would leave a mess when they came there but my partner assured me he was working on thjngs with them. Fast forward last March the girls have a huge blow out with their mother and come to live with us. They are not in contact with the mother. Since they have been living with us I'm coming out of my skin. The oldest one is not too bad, middle one takes everything in the house and hoards it in her room. She is 19. She and the younger one who is now 16 invade our/my privacy they have been asked to stay out of certain places and to please return things they borrow. I can't trust them because they don't take care of their own thjngs much less have respect for that of others. I also have nothing in common really with any of them. I've tried to make a connection w the youngest one, she has a punk attitude, she does nothing she sleeps and snapchats.. thankfully she just got a job.. but dad doesn't feel that things should be cleaned and their room should be semi neat. They constantly are calling and texting him, which I don't mind so much but it's always when we are talking or trying to interact and he always answer then talk to them for a hour. They are frustrated with me because they feel I micromanage the house. I feel they are slobs who can't follow directions and maintain the house.. they are adults for the most part. I've tried talking I've tried connecting. Out of guilt my spouse buys them cars pays for gas, insurance, phones.. etc and the 2 younger ones can't even ask me if I need help in the kitchen. The oldest one is always trying to be somewhat helpful. They want me to be more nurturing.. but in all honesty I deeply struggle with this because I don't like the people they are.. they act many ways like their mother and I cringe when I see it happening. The youngest one's main concern is what people can do for her.. taking her to social engagements and catering to things she wants to do. There is so much more here, but I feel the best thing for me to do at this juncture is move out. I have no kids of my own. I don't want to uproot my life again but I'm not seeing another choice. Any advice would be helpful 

Rags's picture

 rather than sticking to the COd visitation schedule is an idiot move.  Blow up or not, if BM is the CP, she gets the kids except on your DH's visitation schedule. That only applies for minor childrne. Adult children are guests and only then when they are invited.  Guests in the sense of their welcome presence in your home. They are not guests when it comes to being served, etc...  They are guests with chore lists.  They clean up after themselves and their own families. They help cook and clean up after meals, they keep their crap in order, make the bed that they sleep in every AM, etc, etc, etc....

Time for daddy to grow a pair and put his spawn in their place. They follow YOUR rules or they GTF out.

mapap's picture

Yes exactly!! They have a chore list that wasn't followed pretty much at all. Still isn't. My spouse has gone back to court.. they still have joint custody but they don't see their mother. She will not allow them in the house, won't allow them to get any of their belongings and he isn't calling her up telling her she is an idiot and trying to fix the situation. He is leaving that to the kids. The oldest one who will be 22 told me last night a list of what she wasn't going to tolerate from me anymore and that she is setting boundaries. And my spouse said she was expressing her feelings.. oh ok didn't sound like feelings to me.. sounded like the kids telling the adults what to do .. ps no bed making is enforced her nor is cleaning your sheets!

shamds's picture

Can or cannot do in your home that you share with their dad. She can make whatever rules she wants in her own home.

this has miniwife behaviour and the fact their mum is a narc, red flags all around

unless your husband sits them down and lay down the law, there Won't be any progress and you will start resenting him, it will kill your intimacy.

i dealt with sd miniwife crap mid 2017 and by end of that yr had enough. Told my husband i didn't want to be around them and to manage his relationship with them away from me and our 2 toddlers. Few months after that eldest sd who was 23 calls crying with fake tears guilting my husband for marrying and having 2 kids with me saying he did that to replace them when they cut off contact for over 5.5 yrs over lies. They essentially tried to do the typical its us or her bs.

biomum likely hasn't parented these girls well with respect for boundaries and privacy, basic life skills and then shits hit the fan and she doesn't want to deal with the aftermath, kicks sd's out for daddy and his fiance to deal with

as 2 are adults, they are guests in your home and go by your rules. By your husband refusing to ensure your home is harmonious, that sd's do basic chores and keeping home tidy, he is showing that everything revolves around their wants and you do not matter

shamds's picture

Fear upsetting you more over upsetting skids.

even my husband who is a guilty disney dad at times, refuses to ditch us like sd's want. He knows if i left him because of all the skid issues and because he refuses to parent and choose them over me and our 2 minor kids that its for nothing

they barely have a relationship, hubby knows they would leave him if i left him because of their crap behaviour that hubby refuses to address and he would grow a lonely old man.

rags here offered great advice. I finally one day said he clearly wasn't interested in protecting me from their bs, he clearly didn't respect or love me because if he did, he would not allow this crap to continue and therefore since he has no interest in change and ensuring our home is harmonious and this toxic cycle of dysfunction ends, that divorce is the only option

it was then it hit him he's making excuses and refusing to address things for pathetic skids with the most pathetic excuses and they aren't worth it

mapap's picture

We had a heated discussion this am about how I do not need to always have an opinion and I should keep my opinion to myself. Locking things in the house make the kids feel this is not their home apparently. The way I act is selfish and I should try to b their friend and stop criticizing them.. please everyone pray I find a house quickly! I can't deal with this crap for much longer.

shamds's picture

And not steal.

when me and hubby were away on holiday once, his son was about 20 and called at midnight. Hubby thinking its an emergency then answers and it was ss laptop had broken down and he tells his dad he is taking the touchscreen laptop in tv cabinet

his dad is confused what laptop? Till he realised it was my laptop and ss had been snooping through it. Hubby tells him it's actually my laptop so hubby needs to ask me if its ok

i told off hubby that me and your son have no relationship, he shuns and ignores me like me and our kids do not exist in this home and now feels ab entitlement to my belongings and has no shame taking them.

i told him in future not my problem!!

now i had another soare laptop much bulkier so i did loan that to ss and hubby still called ss beforehand multiple times offering a suggestion between the 2 to which i told hubby off whilst on phone with ss that my touchscreen laptop is staying right with me (we were flying back to my country and i wanted to bring my laptop for studying and my kids to watch some videos etc).

after that never again did ss ask daddy for my things

you can't possibly wanna marry into this. None of them respect you, your privacy and belongings and your gaslighted constantly as the problem

mapap's picture

Yes! I let his daughter borrow my golf clubs.. Those didn't come home for 4 days. She had the nerve to ask to borrow sandals.. good thing her father bought me another pair. She trashed them! Like why wouid I want these kids borrowing my things!

stepmomnorth's picture

Oh my gosh. I can't even... About the 22 year old. She is an adult for crying out loud and it's YOUR home. If she wants to come "visit" or "stay" then it's YOUR rules or she doesn't come over any more. Plain and simple. Want to come here? It's OUR rules. Don't like it... Get out. Seriously!! It really is as simple as that, age 22!!! 

mapap's picture

I am so glad to hear this. I really thought I was crazy. They are telling me I'm not nurturing that I don't like kids! I'm a teacher! I don't like misbehaved kids that can't follow rules and are allowed to do whatever the hell they want. I'm disgusted. I loved this man so much but I just can't. I'm hoping to find a house soon. I can't thank everyone enough for their support 

stepmomnorth's picture

You are not crazy in the least. Your expectations and perspective are 100 percent normal. He's allowing adult kids to rule the roost. That's not how families are supposed to work. There's a reason they act how they do and it's sadly because he's allowed and encouraged it... They've been raised to be disrespectful and rude 

reedle2021's picture

100% true.  My ex husband let his son rule our house too.  Needless to say, that didn't work out.  Kids of any age should never be in a power position in the home.  Period.

reedle2021's picture

OMG.  No. Effing. Way.  I'd tell her that she can set boundaries and expectations when she has her own apartment, which she is more than old enough to have!  Expressing her feelings?!?! Again, she can get her own apartment and express her feelings all she wants to the walls but right now she's in your home and she is a guest.  I wanted to say something else but was pretty sure I would get into trouble, so I'll leave it at that. Smile

OMG, I'm so mad for you.  I can't stand these young adults acting the way they do and it all goes back to SH&TTY parenting!  How is it these adult skids act like they are entitled to live with their parents/stepparents??????  OMG.

See my post below.  You need to extricate yourself from this situation. 

mapap's picture

It's enraging isn't it? I actually think went back to teaching elementary school this year because I couldn't stand similar behaviors from the kids I taught in high school. The 22 yr old is totally the Mini wife and my bf is the Disney dad. He thinks it should be ok for the 16 yr old to have friends not friend but plural friends over when we r at work or on vacation. Boys even.. I'm like who the hell are you? His issue is he fought long and hard for them to live With us and he will be damned if they want to go back to their mother and tell her they don't like living with us. This is all selfishness on his end 

ndc's picture

That *is* enraging.  It's time to pull the plug on this relationship, or at least live separately until he gets his ill behaved kids launched, which may be a looong time. 

reedle2021's picture

Very enraging.  I'm so so sorry you are going through this!  :( 

This is definitely a mini-wife and Disney dad situation.  And I was raised (and would do them same if I had kids) that there is not any company when the adults aren't home, opposite sex company in particular.  But we were not allowed to have friends over if there was not one of our parents at home. 

OMG yes, your SO is definitely being selfish. 

Please find your way to a better place - this is madness! 

Rags's picture

all it was is toilet paper because the only place that could have come from was out of her ass though getting it out of her own ass while her head was up there must have been challenging.

She is a Spawn. Not a real girl.  Not only does she not get a say, at all, she does not even rate as a consideration.

She is 22, she is out, and she should not be allowed back. Not even for a visit.

Bad

Kes's picture

Sorry to say this, especially to a brand new forum member on her first post, but if you have a resident SD22 (who shouldn't even be living with you at her age), who gave you a list of behaviour and your DH backed her up then I think it's time to be lawyering up. Before you do, you could try giving HIM an ultimatum of what you expect from him and his princesses, but from what you've said I think it will fall on stony ground. 

mapap's picture

Please don't be sorry. You are spot on. we are not married though and my name isn't even on the house. I've decided to look for a new home and go from there if the relationship is even worth my time. I just needed to vent and find out.. am I crazy? Should teenage women and those in their 20's living w us not be expected to clean up properly, make their beds, take the trash out, help in the kitchen etc? They treat their own stuff like shit, I don't want them messing w my things I'm not their mother. So I lock my things up. I don't feel it's ok for the kids to be running the house. It should be what the adults say goes and that's it

Winterglow's picture

There's nothing crazy about you. Your expectations are perfectly normal. To start with, the older two are old enough to work and get their own place together. There's no need for them to be mooching off of their father. If they don't like the way you run your home, they don't have to stay. You must have been seriously tempted to drop kick the one who gave you a list of what she'd tolerate in your home right out the window...

Honestly? I think you're right. Look for another place for yourself. Your husband clearly does not have your back so why bother trying to fight his horde of daughers? Find a new appartment and calmly pack your bags and leave them without any explanation. You wll be SO much happier, I promise. Beware of being sucked back into their pigsty and also of becoming a FWB to your DuH. 

Kes's picture

Very pleased to hear you are looking for a new home.  Of course you are not crazy, these young women should be contributing to the life of the household of course, and be grateful that you are giving them house room.  But enough is enough - your partner is a spineless fool. 

Winterglow's picture

 I would have stared her down and said (with just a soupcon of menace but an incredibly straight face), "don't make me angry... you wouldn't like me when I'm angry..,)".

Winterglow's picture

And then I'd have sent her to her room ... without dinner. This brat is in your home on suffrance. Dow not miss an opportunity to put her firmly in her place as "child". YOU are the queen of your castle. Apparently, your husband is the village idiot, 

mapap's picture

My bf was already yelling at me telling me  I was making them uncomfortable can't imagine what would have gone down if I said that. All of your responses have made me realize this is more of messed up situation than I thought 

Winterglow's picture

Yes, until they find their life partners, get married., have children, and then what? They are not going to sit around doting on DOD. They are not going to care much about dear old daddy because he brought them up to only worry about themselves He had better not hav any health problems... 

What you sow, you reap. 

mapap's picture

The 22 year old has never had a boyfriend, she is too busy playing mommy and wanting to run the house. The middle one goes to penn state and she can b slutty but runs all over her bfs I doubt any marriage will last for her. The 16 yr old ... once they see how lazy and useless she is the boys run..either way, not my monkeys or circus 

stepmomnorth's picture

Makes you wonder why the 22 year old doesn't want a life of her own. She'd rather become the MOM in your home?

When I turned 19 I took the liberty of moving out, I wanted to be gone from my parents house and I never looked back. I cant imagine if rather than move out, I turned around and told my parents that "I" was new sheriff in town. They would have thrown me out.. And also laughed. You have to respect the house you stay in. The expression "Dont bite the hand that feeds you" comes to mind. 

shamds's picture

Suck it up and be the adult. Thats code for "i'm a weak man with no balls and refuse to address this for fear of world war 3 happening. So I encourage and allow sd crap behaviour to continue & you must happily tolerate them shitting on uou repeatedly 

Harry's picture

Your BF is a bad parent.  Most likely you can't fix that.  Time to get a exit plan.  These kids are never going to leave. They will be adults , not working , and craziness will always will go on.  You think they will find someone to marrie them. Or do you think new husband will move it.  So he can support the new husband too 

mapap's picture

Yes I did want to drop kick the one giving me her list of what she was going to tolerate. I do feel my bf is a shit parent he said he likes his parenting style because it suits his personality. Well rockstar u will be supporting those kids with your retirement money. He has bought them all cars, he pays for gas, insurance, college, phones, etc. the oldest one does have her own phone that's all she pays for at this point at almost the age of 22. I don't understand. I try to see he is a kind and caring man and just wants to love his children but this is ridiculous. U can show love and not spoil them w no requests in return. The youngest one all she cares about is herself and who can take her to her friends etc. they do have jobs which is one good thing that's required.. but after that not much is expected. I've decided I'm not cooking anymore. I do and no one helps, only the oldest one ever asks if she can. No one empties the dishwasher or offers to help w anything else. How about u ask dad if u can help wash his boat or the jet ski u like to use all summer? How about u ask if he needs u to do anything then do it right and stop your whine ass complaining. I don't get it

Winterglow's picture

If his parenting style suits his personality that just means he's lazy ... because he isn't actually parenting. I hope you aren't footing the bills for them. If you are, it's time to cut back. You shouldn't be paying more thn 20% of any bills/rent that come in. How about starting to order a maid service once a week to clean up the place and charge it to your bf?

How did your bf react to his princess's list of boundaries? Did he find them justified? I hope not.

mapap's picture

He told me this was her expressing her feelings. No he didn't tell them they couldn't talk to me like shit, but when I got angry and lashed back that wasn't ok. I was supposed to apologize for how I made them feel. I'm like wtf? Now because I lock doors and don't allow them in my space they are locking their bathroom downstairs. Which is just immature. and I'm pretty sure the father is supporting it because they have a key over the door they wouldn't have access to other wise 

Winterglow's picture

So not only is he a crap father, he's a crap husband too. How long do you think you'll last before you lose all respect for him?

mapap's picture

I've already lost respect that's why im Leaving. I can't be with someone who doesn't feel I should b the adult in the house 

Winterglow's picture

I'm glad to hear that. I'm sure your life will improve many times over once you leave.

mapap's picture

Hi all, I am overwhelmed at the support this site offers and I just wanted to say thank you so much for helping me out with my issue. At this point I am looking for my own home. I told my BF I am not compromising my comfort, nor am I going to live 20 miles from work just so you can get me out of the house and resume your circus. So this may take a couple of months. Even if i find something tomorrow, I will still have to go through a closing etc. I can't get an apartment because I have a dog or i would do that for a period of time. Does anyone have any advice on the approach i should take with the kids at this point? The oldest one ignored me for a day, but has now been talking to me. The middle one is at school so wasnt there when the fireworks happened, and the youngest one wont look at me, or even say hello. Any advice on how to make it more comfortable until i leave. 

Winterglow's picture

How about disengaging entirely. You take care of your needs and nobody else's, no cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc. for anyone other than yourself. Let them miss you before you actually leave. OTOH, remain polite and pleasant at all times. Don't let them be able to find fault. You have no more responsibility towards any of them. 

Good luck finding your new home! 

Rags's picture

yourself.

Let them starve, etc...  Start moving your stuff to a storage unit and abandon them all to their own devices immediatley and stay that course until you are long gone.

The feelings and comfort of toxic morons, should never be your concern.

IMHO.

mapap's picture

Ok yes, I will do that, you are right, it's just better that way, they can figure it out for themselves

reedle2021's picture

Run.  Run fast and run far.  This toxic situation won't change.  Daddeeeee is not ever going to parent these kids and BM certainly has done a sh&tty job.  No to all of this.  NO to the the laziness, the disrespect, the coddling by daddy and the 22 yo telling you how things will be in your house. 

You have been more than kind and owe them nothing.  I have been in a similar situation and I left.  Trust me, nothing changes.  And even if changes were to be made, it must start with the parent. 

Like Winterglow posted, disengage and be polite until you get out.  Do nothing for these kids.  Nothing. 

Please, save yourself and don't waste any more of your time. 

Merry's picture

"Showing love" to his kids would mean providing actual guidance toward adult resonsibilities and civil behavior, not spending guilt money on them. He's HARMING them, not loving them. Because he's lazy.

I could not tolerate what you have to live with and would be out. Hope you find a comfy place for you and your dog soon. (I also couldn't leave a pet behind.) In the meantime, take care of yourself. Engage in polite conversation, but I would not lift a finger to help any one of the miserable bunch. I'm so angry for you!

mapap's picture

Im definitely going to keep to myself and hopefully find a really nice place to live in peace! I dont know about all of you but would rather be alone than putting up with this crazy ass shit

mapap's picture

Hi everyone! I found a house and put an offer in! Everyone  I am asking for good vibes! This is a competitive market! I'm praying I get it!!

Crr18's picture

Good luck! That didn't take you long to find something. I am waiting for an apartment to become available and it seems like forever. And I have to play like I am staying because I don't want to fight anymore. 

mapap's picture

Well Bf is helping me find my own place.. telling me so i can be "comfortable". Well i was comfortable in OUR house until it was invaded by your rug rats. Everyone is walking on thin ice right now, being nice, doing most chores because they know I don't play. The place will become a complete zoo when i leave. I have found a vape pen in the youngest ones room or bathroom now twice. I see this stuff. Guaranteed it wont be seen or looked into after I leave. Not gonna be my problem!

Winterglow's picture

Just make sure that you have the ONLY key to your new place Nobody is admitted that you do not wish to see. If your SO turns up with his spawn, let him sit on the doorstep. Do not allow them to cross the threshold. This is YOUR castle. 

mapap's picture

Oh hell no, they are not invited his kids ever. We have not decided what to do with our relationship yet because to me he is a man child and I am pretty resentful of the fact that I am leaving for HIS kids. What is that teaching them on how to treat adults. He says im agry all the time I can't relax and have fun, and that I don't enjoy his children.. WHO THE HELL WOULD! Their mother couldn't even stand them that's why they don't live with her (although she is a looney bin herself). So NOPE they are not allowed at my home. If things continue between us, I told him i need a month or 2 (or more) alone. YOU go handle your circus clowns. I am going to live my life in peace and quiet. But not a chance in hell those kids will be invited to my place an no one will have a key. OH and there will be plenty of cameras!

Winterglow's picture

Sounds good to me BUT do NOT give him a key. This will be your safe haven and he does not get free access to it. 

Winterglow's picture

That is great news! How exciting! Congratulations!

Now, you need to beware of your bf realizing that you really are serious about this and also how much he's going to lose when you go ... Once he's paying 100% for four people, doing all the cooking and cleaning and goodness knows what else, he's going to try to sweet talk you into coming back. Have a good laugh when you see the signs.

mapap's picture

Oh I feel that! It's not happening and I already told him that. I'm not going to sell my home and have to pay capital gain taxes and I'm not living in a house where I'm not considered the adult. So sorry buddy you are on your own!

reedle2021's picture

NICE!

Now don't give in - walk away from this situation and move on.  Do not give ex a key, don't feel bad and let him come stay with you, even if just for a few days here and there... don't re-open that door.  Remember his behavior as a parent will not change and he will always put his daughters first.  And they are awful.

You are moving in the right direction!  Yay!  Smile

Ispofacto's picture

If you are not legally separated, the new house may become marital property.  Also, what if DH stops paying bills at the current house, or the house gets trashed by him and his brats?

I think you need to protect yourself.

 

Harry's picture

Move into your own room.  Where you can key lock the door.  No cooking, cleaning, no nothing.  If kids want to play mommy.  They can cook, clean shop. Pay bills do laundry.  Do everything that mommy really does .  You go to work try to spend time with friends ect. 
Find a place to move ASAP

mapap's picture

So I've been totally keeping to myself and I can see the place is seriously going to crumble when I leave. I wanted to use the kitchen sink and Tuna fish was splattered all over it. I know they could see the annoyance in my face. The only reason I cleaned it was so I don't gag when I use the sink. Everyone knows I'm leaving. Sadly I'm sure the kids realize this is because of them. Also their mother kicked them out.. I wonder do they realize that people don't want tot be around them because of how they act?? Im trying to let it sink in that my bf truly thinks this is the right way to raise his kids. I just shake my head 

Cover1W's picture

I don't think you are moving because of THEM. But because your BF hasn't raised them well, and the behaviors and lack of respect, stemming from HIM is the problem. He is the root cause and that won't change. That is why you are leaving.

mapap's picture

Yes it is because of him. It's easy to be resentful to the kids when their father is really to blame. The miniwife has already taken over. She thinks she runs the kitchen and groceries and she is getting annoyed because im packing the house up and virtually most everything but the furniture here is mine. Oh well