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His kids won't even meet me...

kath33's picture

I am engaged to be married around Thanksgiving and I have yet to meet my fiance's two children who live out of the county but he usually visits on weekends. Everytime we have tried to arrange a meeting things have gone haywire. Last time both kids suddenly fell ill and said they couldn't come visit. He says he doesn't want to "traumatize" them by pushing them to meet me but it feels important that I at least meet them before we marry. I understand it is an adjustment for them, but I'm really a person who loves kids and would be kind to them. I think not meeting me just feeds some scary untrue image they have of me. Their BM is quite strange and maybe saying all sorts of crazy things about me to them. Who knows? She actually called me and told me lies about my fiance in order to try to break us up after she found out we were planning to marry. Does anyone else have experience with stepkids who resisted even meeting them let alone connecting. I feel like I don't even get a chance.

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kath33's picture

He's got full visitation rights. He visits most weekends (2+ hours away). Sometimes he has not gone to see them because he wanted to be with me or I demanded it, but mostly I get left alone. Sometimes I'm okay with it, sometimes I feel left out because of his kids.
BM called me without my fiance's knowledge to tell me he had cheated on her in their marriage and he had slept with her recently and he wanted her back. The reality of it was she wanted him back. They'd been divorced for several years and in reality he has no desire to get back together. If he did he wouldn't be trying to marry me. When my fiance denied things I believed him because there were definite holes in her story. He is not the cheating type either, I trust him. She was really just trying to destroy us and it did stress our relationship for a while. Her tactic now (after threatening to move even further away) is to try to keep the kids against me.

kath33's picture

Thanks for the note. My future DH would love for the kids to come stay with us on the weekends. We are trying to shape our living situation so that they would feel comfortable coming to stay with us by buying a house where each could have some space.

kath33's picture

"Demands" only came because he promised he would help with our move to another house. Then he tried to back out on it and I felt like he needed to keep that commitment 1) because he had promised me 2) because I was physically unable to move all of it myself 3) because it is his home too and I believe it is the responsible thing to do. If the kids missed him for one day in a two day weekend because of that, I make no apologies. He should show them I am a priority in his life too and my needs and our joint needs as a couple DO MATTER.
The reason I haven't gone to where his kids live with him is because he is afraid his ex will do something weird and harm me in some way. He'd much rather they come here where there is more to do. I personally would be comfortable going there.

quippers01's picture

It is so very important that you get to know his kids AND HIM WITH HIS KIDS. From my own experience and from what I've read on this site, your H will be a different guy when they are around...and they always, eventually come around. I am currently dealing with a lot of my own junk due to this dose of reality. Find out if you can stand the kids and him with them before you marry and do NOT marry a man who won't introduce you to his kids. If you are going to be his wife soon he should be placing emphesis on your importance in his life by showing the kids they don't get to just shun you like you don't exist.

T.O.'s picture

BM moved to a town just under 3 hours away when SS7 was around 2 & my fiance drives over halfway (court said we had to drive further than her for wahtever reason) eow & bring SS to our home. He would never even THINK of visiting him @ BM's house.

Is there any reason why your fiance can't do the same? Mayve he'll even get lucky and only have to drive halfway. Smile

Eyes Wide Open's picture

One the one hand, I think you NOT meeting the kids is a big RED flag. You need to think about how much "pull" those three people have over him before you marry him. This is not good.

On the other hand, after a few years of stepmother hell, I wouldn't mind if the Skids stayed away! :0)