What are you guys make of this? Thoughts?
For the last 9 YEARS SS15 would go back and forth on how he "felt" about BM. One weekend he would complain nonstop how awful BM was to him calling BM the old hag. The next month SS15 would jump all over DH defending BM if DH said anything negative about BM. Its gotten WAY worse the last three years.
The last three years SS15 has had three major blowouts with Both me and DH.
The first Incident DH told SS he could go live with BM if SS did not like our rules. SS flipped out screaming/crying saying how DH ruined SS's life, that SS LOVED BM and SS did not mean it when he said the negitive things about BM. How SS hated DH. I'm talking full blown hysterics to the point of almost vomiting. SS was 13.
Second time was with just me. SS was 14. I was just chatting about school. Totally Out of the blue SS very rudely but calmly said he would never bring friends over as I'm way to Judgmental and he does not trust me. He went on to say I lie and he could never tell DH how he feels about me as it would "kill DH". I was like WTF are you talking about and SS Smugly said you know what you do and walked away.
The third time SS was 15 and upset because DH would not give him money and started crying. When DH said sorry but you need to wait. SS then says he's not upset about the money. SS then went into this HUGE crying rant how DH try's to fight with BM by using him and he's caught in the middle. That DH does not care about him only hurting BM. That SS has done things he really did not want or care about but felt like he had to because of DH. When DH told SS he was sorry and what could he do and SS said nothing it's to late. About three weeks after this SS and I were just calmly talking about this and that. SS out of the blue brought up what happened. SS told me he knows DH thinks he was just mad about the money but that's not true. SS said he was telling the truth about what was upsetting him.
Ok so what do you guys think? If DH is so "awful" why is SS15 hanging all over him like a lost puppy.
Why is he calm and Unemotional with me but with DH he's Hysterical?
Do you think there is any thruth in what SS is saying?
Well, of course he’s the victim
Does he live with you guys full time? Half the time?
My first thought was BM said something, but some kids really don't even need that to grow their own victim mentality.
My second thought is why are boys still crying at this age...
It’s 50/50 split custody
I guess BM could have said something but why flip out to such an extreme???
Yes the crying Hysterically at 15 seems over the top to me too. Everyone cry's sometimes BUT this is so over the top. It's like a full blown Screaming temper tantrum a toddler would have. No joke
Well I hope he doesn't do
Well I hope he doesn't do that in school lol.
My SS almost 15 also cries all the time. Probably not as dramatic as yours though and will stop right away once a consequence is set.
I think your SS is trying to get something (aren't we all lol) but I don't know if he's aware his tactic is probably not going to work that well. That is...until the DH caters..
He's doing it because he
He's doing it because he thinks it will get him what he wants. He seems to think that him crying and saying specific things will break the other person down so that SS is placated.
Keep holding strong. It's an act.
"My second thought is why are
"My second thought is why are boys still crying at this age..."
Because he's human and something is bothering him. Whether we find it logical or not, or if he's using it to be manipulative doesn't matter. I'd rather see a teenager cry it out versus bottle it up and go on a rage. Plus, crying sorta just happens, and we all need to get better at accepting that boys and girls can cry and should be allowed to.
Teenagers are very dramatic
Teenagers are very dramatic but yes, it sounds like he is expressing consistently that he feels emotional pressue to reject his mom to please DH.
Just - all the therapy. If he has to be agitated and lose control to express hard stuff it's the best solution to seek family and individual therapy
All I can say is that I hope
All I can say is that I hope he was pulled up every time he badmouthed his mother. There is absolutely no excuse for allowing a child to refer to his mother as "the old hag".
Either the kid has really
Either the kid has really conflicted emotions that he doesn't have the skills to work through OR he's being manipulative to get a reaction. Don't assume the latter without exploring the former.
Your SS needs to talk to a therapist about what is going on. It's possible BM is filling his head with lies based on gaps in reasoning he just doesn't have yet. Could be that he has an inability to regulate his emotions properly which is why he either breaks down or remains calm when dealing with emotional issues. So long as your DH allows it to go unchecked (and I mean professional - you're all probably beyond being able to handle this internally) it will keep happening.
One thing your DH needs to stop doing if he still is would be telling SS he can just go live with BM if he is unhappy with the rules. That's the equivalent of "well if you're so unhappy, I'll just give you a divorce and you can leave." It's extremely hurtful to say and quickly erodes trust. If SS really does want to live with BM, then that had to be a calm discussion, not thrown out there in anger. Kids of divorce already feel pretty displaced in the best of circumstances, so when a parent says these things, it just sounds like it confirms the kid's worst fear - and that becomes reality.
Finally, as someone mentioned above, your DH needs to shoot down anytime SS speaks disrespectfully about another adult. That doesn't mean SS can't share his frustration, but there is a big difference in saying "my mom is an old hag!" and "I'm so frustrated with my mom because she did X, Y, and Z." The former is just name calling and immature. The latter becomes something to talk through while also allowing venting. Your DH needs to say "hey, I know you're upset, but I won't tolerate you being disrespectful. We can either chat through this or you can head off to your room without your phone for a while to cool off. Don't call someone a name just because you're mad at them."
Conversely, your DH needs to model that type of behavior himself, and not just with BM. Though, if he is saying anything negative about BM in earshot of SS, he needs to stop. Even if everything said about BM is true, SS will likely never fully see it that way. She is still his mom, and it puts him in an uncomfortable loyalty bind if he is hearing she is awful. He's a product of her, too, so hearing bad things about her probably sounds similar to hearing bad things about himself (especially if it's a shared trait).
Don't take this to mean that you all need to coddle bad behavior. You don't. Throwing a tantrum shouldn't be rewarded, but it should be investigated. The goal is getting SS to be a productive member of society, and that's a complex task. Sometimes people do and say bad/mean things that both need a consequence but compassion.
Exactly. Such great advice.
My 20 year old exhibited some of this conflicting behavior when he was younger. A LOT of it came from just that, the conflict of two households, his dad relentlessly bad mouthing me and the feeling of loss over not having two parents under one roof can often create this situation and when son would come back he would just be very emotional. He's been in therapy since 13 and recently was diagnosed with adhd and autism spectrum. Medication has helped some. I would for sure investigate this with a professional.
I think., what ever that means
That SS is playing both BF and BM. He wants his way, he wants to control the house. If he doesn't get his way he cry's then gets his way. Your DH is going along with this. It's not about the money !! Yes it is. It's about he wants money and will do anything, ie crying to get it. He is making DH feel good by bad mouthing BM, and sure he making BM feel good by bad mouthing DH to her
The more you go along with this, the longer and worst it's going to get. If SS starts the crying show, he gets punished, what ever hurts him the most. Cell phone, gameing. System. Looks like he doesn't go out so keeping him home will not do anything
Being a teenage boy can sure suck
Not much different than what others have said. I was a teenage boy once, and I was a mess on and off...maybe not this intense, but I had those feelings inside. The good news is that he's talking. Everyone likes to talk about teen girls- I raised one and it wasn't bad. Nobody talks about teen boys- I was one and I was worse than anyone ever talks about.
Therapy would probably really help this kid. He feels torn; he's flailing. Listen, be as compassionate as you can muster. and therapy- did I mention therapy? lol
Best of luck!
I usually think it's a cop
I usually think it's a cop out to suggest therapy but your SS needs therapy. What he's doing is not normal for his age and he's way too invested in his parents emotions. I think he's doing this for attention and to manipulate but at the root it's a cry for help.
He is 15 and needs a boot to the ass.
He needs the facts front and center that BM is a manipulative PASing POS. This kid is taking manipulation to the next level. Time for him to suffer for that crap.