You are here

Is this the start of the next big fight?

CastleJJ's picture

So as many of you know, BM enrolls SS9 in sports year round to try to prevent DH from exercising his long distance, 6 week visitation schedule under the guise of SS' "sport obligations." Sports haven't really ever interfered with visitation, except for football in the summer, which has led to several big fights with BM. Generally, SS plays intense, competitive league football 4 days per week plus games every weekend from late July to November, plays recreational basketball from November to February/March, and recreational soccer from March to June. This kid never stops which SS has admitted is not his choice. 

A few weeks back, BM's GF emailed DH letting him know that GF enrolled SS9 in recreational basketball for winter, but that it wasn't competitive, just for fun. DH ignored it because he does not make it a habit to communicate with GF in attempts to discourage her from communicating with him regarding parenting matters/decision making that are between DH and BM. Well tonight, BM emails DH saying that while they (meaning BM and GF) intended for SS to play recreational basketball, the rec center held tryouts for all players and SS made the competitive team. BM said they are allowing SS to make the choice and he chose to play competitively, not recreationally. BM also mentioned that due to SS playing on the competitive team and not the recreational team, preseason tournaments and increased commitments will start in November... why do I have the feeling that this sudden change from a recreational to a "competitive" sport will cause BM to attempt to interfere with our Christmas visitation somehow? 

The plus side is that our CO only mandates that DH must be accommodating with summer visitation as it pertains to football. Nowhere in the CO does it say that DH has to be accommodating for all sports obligations, which means that for basketball, soccer, underwater basket weaving, etc., DH does not have to shift his visitation to accomodate those obligations. DH will exercise his visitation as ordered in the CO regardless of what SS' sports have scheduled. DH is prepared for BM to have a total tantrum, but he is standing his ground. We already only see this kid 6 weeks per year due to summer being filled with "mandatory" football, which BM claims is SS' "passion". We aren't giving up or shifting holiday visitation and school breaks too,  just to accomodate year round rec sports. DH just responded "Thank you for letting me know," knowing that he will likely have to revisit this topic if BM attempts to interfere with visitation and throws a tantrum for not getting her way.


The_Upgrade's picture

Ha! Underwater basket weaving! She may as well enroll SS for circus skills and make it official

tog redux's picture

If she tries this tactic TWICE, hopefully the judge will see through it. You only see him for a week in the winter anyway, right?

CastleJJ's picture

It depends on the year. We have alternating Thanksgiving breaks from Wednesday to Saturday, half of Christmas break each year, alternating first and second halves, every President's weekend from Friday to Monday, and alternating spring breaks (one week). 

Since she is now laying the groundwork for basketball and soccer to be "competitive," it makes me wonder if she will try to interfere with these visitations under the guise of those sports. 

Luckily, this year, we only have Christmas week and President's weekend, not Thanksgiving or Spring break, which is enough for this year since I will be due with the baby. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Basketball was the excuse for 7 years for SS to miss Christmas vistation with DH.  I love how these BM's twist things around to make it "what he wants" and "wHy Can'T yOu ResPeCT HIS wIsHes???" 

CastleJJ's picture

The irony is that SS has told us that he likes playing sports, but doesn't LOVE them. He has told us that he often gets burnt out because it's very demanding with school and everything else and that he barely has time to be a normal kid. He said BM forces him to play and tells him that he has to play until he graduates high school, which DING DING DING is when visitation and CS end. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Yep. All too familiar. SS said he only wants to play basketball. He could care less about the rest. We would have worked with that! But she insists on year round sports so we had to take a strong stance on nothing being more important than visits with dad. If you give BM's like this an inch... 

hereiam's picture

I just don't get these women who DON'T want their kids to have their fathers in their lives (unless it's truly warranted).


CastleJJ's picture

It typically comes down to control and the mighty dollar. 

In cases like our BM, with strong narc tendencies, she needs someone she can abuse. Without SS, she has no tie to DH and without DH, she has no victim for her abuse. The more she can abuse, alienate, and deny involvement from DH, the more narc supply she receives. 

Plus, I think BM regrets being a teen mom to SS and regrets the failed relationship with DH. She has mentioned that she only tricked DH to get pregnant, broke up with DH, and had SS9 to fill a void of insecurity and loneliness. She thought a baby would fulfill her. She has also mentioned in the past that she wishes she would have just accepted her identity as LGBTQ from the start. It sounds like BM made some poor choices due to poor self-esteem, but it doesn't excuse her past and present actions toward DH. I think she is trying to create the "perfect nuclear family" with GF and SS and that isn't possible without pushing DH out. 

SeeYouNever's picture

This is a common tactic. BM signed up my SD for all sorts of activities that she couldn't miss for visitation, but DH had to pay for them. Ah yes he loved paying for the activities that prevented him from seeing SD. This is why he stopped paying for all but SDs favorite activity. And after a couple years BM took her out of it because they started getting on the way of her vacations.

CastleJJ's picture

Oh we stopped paying for half of all activities in 2019 after years of paying half. Our attorney said we were crazy for paying half for activities (outside of CS) that BM was using solely to PAS against DH. We were literally aiding in our own alienation. 

BM asked for money last year, after the conversation with our attorney, and DH told her to use her CS and that he would not be paying any extra moving forward since DH did not get a say in the sports enrollment and it interfered with visitation. BM flipped out, saying that it is really sad that DH refuses to financially support his child and told DH to let her know if he decides to step up and be a parent. OK BM. How is that $800 in CS for one child per month not "financially supporting"?

thinkthrice's picture

1.  when the kid is kicking a ball around he doesn't have time to bond with biodad nor SM

2.  can be tied into extra $$$$$  extra curricular expenses

3.  makes HCGUBM look like MOTY and feign concern for kid

4.  usually a time to socialize with her community and pound the drum mantra "kid's dad is a deadbeat; i'm the only parent with real conceeeeeeeeeeeern"

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

That is hilarious, although I wouldn't put it past BM to try and sign SS up for that! It definitely seems like BM is trying to line it up to be an excuse for winter break for sure. Probably will blow up unforunately. Did you already book SS's travel for the winter break? 

Good on your DH! If BM tries to say well it is important to SS or something along those lines I would have him say that it is also important that he sees his father and as the time with his father is already limited, he will not limit the time anymore.

CastleJJ's picture

Luckily, we only live 8-10 hours round-trip from SS, so we don't have to coordinate flights or anything. DH just drives down and picks him up at the start of visitation, then BM comes up and picks him up at the end of visitation.