Was already feeling some anxiety
Over the unknown during this graduation season. Our 2 boys are graduating college. We had a very small get together for my son this past weekend with just a few family members (my grandparents, mom, couple aunts and uncles) SS 21 was out of town and couldn't come, and DH did not mention to SD18 as she had refused to see him a few weeks ago for her birthday and is "full of anger" at DH and myself. I did not figure she would care to hang out with my family and quite honestly I don't really care to hang out with her at the moment. It was my son's day and we had the people who have loved and supported him his whole life. This weekend we are having a small get together with DH's parents, maybe a couple aunts and uncles, for SS's graduation. DH has invited SD to that, he said she has not responded although I suspect they have communicated some and that it probably hasn't been good.
We have nothing planned for her graduation, and wasn't even sure of the details until BM texted him last week that there is limited attendance, and that he can go and SD wanted her 2 grandmothers there. Which I would have given up my seat for MIL if needed, regardless, but I am just hoping the limit is truly 4 and that BM's boyfriend is not going to be there in addition to the grannies. That would hurt, I admit, but I am just glad DH is not being ghosted.
In fact, this evening BM texted him a picture of SD's grad announcement and party invitation and said that he, myself, and my son are invited. I am not even sure how to navigate this. I am sure the right thing to do is to go. But the thought of going to a party for someone who has absolutely no regard for my existence other than to be angry, plus to have it be with BM's people, really has the anxiety ramping up. Apparently she has already invited my in laws, so it's not like I won't know anyone, but I would not consider them as support. I don't even think they have the story of what is going on, unless they have info from BM and SD. DH doesn't talk about it with them.
I am so frustrated by the whole situation, and to be honest, I am pretty frustrated with DH. Although he apparently keeps trying to reach out to SD, he has let things go and carry on for far too long without actually addressing it. He was talking tonight about how stressed he has been with work, which is true, and that he feels like he has let some personal relationships slide, which is also true. He was talking about how he is a guy and doesn't always think of things, like for example, getting a gift for SS for graduation. True again. We are giving the kids money gifts, and I got a few things for my son, nothing major, but things i knew he would like and kind of special to mark this occasion. DH actually has something like that for SD, because before her birthday, I had been searching for a little piece of jewelry or something, again special to mark an 18th birthday. We ended up finding a nice bracelet, which he didn't give her because he didn't see her, and he actually thought about taking it back. I suggested he hold on to it until graduation, and he does plan to give it then. So I feel like he definitely needs to do something for SS as well. DH has had a few ideas, but they seem to be things that are more what DH think SS (or DH) would want, rather than what SS would actually want. I was asking questions about whether SS had ever expressed interest in one particular thing, and it seemed to dawn on DH that he isn't really sure what SS would like.... or what he is interested in.... it made him really sad. I think DH will come up with something, and that he knows more about SS than he thinks, but I also think that part of the overarching issues going on is that DH does not get too deep. He likes to "keep it moving", almost like he has to fill every moment with words, but doesn't always stop to listen. It's not that he doesn't care, he just has a hard time "just being". I am not sure what drives that. I know I feel like sometimes he doesn't seem to really listen when I may be talking about something, so I would imagine they have also felt that way. The difference is I am old and mature enough to recognize it's not intentional (and lovingly or sometimes not so lovingly call him out on it), where I think they feel like it is that he doesn't care and get angry or upset, and store it all up until a useful time.
Anyway, just random thoughts on a late night when I should be sleeping. I was truly not expecting a BM grad party invitation, kind of threw me for a loop. If things were normal, I would think that was great - one of my happiest memories was that for my grad party, both my mom and dad and both sides of my divorced family were there. At the moment I am feeling like everyone would be looking at me like the evil stepmom and DH as the absent father. I guess the only way to turn that around is to go, but gosh I feel a little dizzy just thinking about it.