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justmakingthebest's picture

How many of you skipped your stepkid's graduation? How many of you had a spouse that didn't attend their child's graduation?

Our Problem: DH made rank a couple of weeks ago, which means new orders for him. Luckily, we are staying in our area and my kids will get you finish out high school here and OSS22 can stay on with his programs. We also don't have to give up our house (with only a 2.25% interest rate!). So all great news, with the exception that there is about a 99% chance that DH will be doing underway's and possibly be deploying April/May next year. We have a vacation planned with about 30 people joining us in April for my 40th. DH thinks he has a shot of being approved to go if the deployment hasn't started yet. But, SS's graduation will be 2 weeks later and DH would not be allowed to attend both even if the deployment is delayed. 

He is feeling guilty already if he chooses one over the other. The vacation will have all our families, including DH's mom and sister's. Graduation, I won't be attending with him as SS sees me as "the problem between his parents". I don't want to detract from the day in any way, so it is just easier to remove myself from the situation and MIL can attend with DH if he is able to go. I don't think SS will even acknowledge him if DH shows. He has been almost 100% no contact for years unless he is physically with us, which hasn't happened in almost a year. He won't even respond to a simple text, I don't see him running to give his dad a hug on his graduation. 

I personally think going to graduation is a mistake. SS has made is clear that he doesn't want anything to do with DH. I think that one day SS will regret how he acts and maybe DH showing up could be a positive memory one day, but not any time soon. So, does DH give up something he would enjoy with family that loves him and wants to be in his life or pass on his son's graduation? Not an easy choice by any stretch of the imagination but I do think that the choice is pretty obvious. 


Cover1W's picture

I will not be attending OSDs graduation and I don't thnk DH is either. Mostly because of the PAS and the fact that the HS graduation here is ridiculously impersonal and HUGE with all high schools going through a smaller stadium in one weekend. It's crazy town. So he wouldn't even see her most likey but for her crossing the stage.

I didn't attend her middle school graduation either as i knew it would be contentious and it was. YSD didn't have one due to COVID.

Kes's picture

I didn't go to SD27's graduation.  None of them wanted me there anyway, so what's the point?  DH went of course but the thought of making nice all day with NPD BM, would have made me lose the will to live.  I met DH just after my elder daughter graduated, but he came to my younger daughter's graduation with me. 

bananaseedo's picture

I didn't attend my SD's- was still in recovery from my broken leg back then.  My son didn't have one as his was during height of Covid, so nothing was done :( 

ESMOD's picture

I have not attended either of my SD's.. my husband was working out of town and was not able to attend his daughter's as well.  Given the situation with his son.. refusal to have any relationship or visitation.. I would not go one minute out of my way to make it possible to attend that ceremony. where BM will hog SS and keep your DH from having any contact anyway.  His mom can go and take pictures if THAT is allowed.

He can send a gift if he is inclined.

Ispofacto's picture

Killjoy graduates next week and I won't be there.

DH, MIL, and FIL are going.  They will take her out for dinner.

Dunno if Satan will go.  She's lazy AF.  If she does go, it's only because she's still hoping Killjoy will start paying her living expenses.

If your DH does go, SS won't even know here's there.  


step to grown children's picture

I dont know how big the school is and how many students are graduating but I just attended my daughter's graduation and it was a zoo.... I barely got to take pictures with her and her sisters. Graduation is about them, not us. I agree that SS may not even acknowldge or care that he is there.

I was in the military and have missed imporant events for similar reasons and I have always sat down with my kids and explained. they dont have to like it but I think it may be easier if DH has the conversation with him before.

justmakingthebest's picture

There are less than 30 in his class, and I would assume maybe 25 will graduate? He attends a very rural school. 

I think that if DH could have a conversation with him, that he would understand DH not being there, but since he refuses to speak to DH and we live 1300 miles away, there isn't a whole lot we can do. 

Survivingstephell's picture

This something DH will need to come to terms with on his own.  My DH went to all high school graduations but did not go to OSD and OSS college graduations. He did go to YSD college graduation a few weeks ago.  She got a ticket for him.  I didn't go but so did make sure she had a nice present ( all mine and YSD got pearls) and she sent me A selfie all dressed up in cap and gown wearing them.  

This thing with your SS has been evolving over the years and will keep evolving.  It too bad he has to plan so far ahead but as we learned in therapy dealing with our toxic situation, you love the ones you're with.  You put the effort into the people who reciprocate.  It's shame it's turned out the way it did.  Our Bms would have PAS'd  with  any woman , not just us.  This I am afraid will be a decision he has to make for himself and one he won't regret on his deathbed.  I hope he chooses you and that the family won't give him a hard time about his final choice.  

justmakingthebest's picture

I told him that I supported whatever he chooses, but he isn't allowed to be bitter and angry if graduation doesn't go his way and he regrets it. I am still going on the trip. Our families are still going. We WILL have a fantastic time. He can't be mad at me for that.

thinkthrice's picture

Feral's graduation despite knowing when they were due to:

1.  Extreme PAS several yrs earlier

2. It being a farce of sorts; all 3 barely  made it despite chronic truancy, multitudinous incomplete work, attendance at summer school every year, etc

Of course we were not formally invited.

advice.only2's picture

Not sure if they require tickets for graduation where you SS attends school, but if they do I highly doubt your DH would even be given a ticket by SS.

My DH did attend Spawns graduation (she did not give him a ticket) he got on from a family friend.  He showed up watched her walk and then left.  She did nothing to reach out to him and he did nothing to reach out to her.  He said honestly it was bitter sweet because while he was proud of her, he was not happy with who she was as a person at that point.  

justmakingthebest's picture

We are 100% sure there won't be a ticket for DH. 

They hold it outside at the football field if weather allows, in the gym if not. If outside, there is no limit but they only give 10 tickets "for the graduate to use at their discretion" in case it is inside. So, no way in hell would DH get one. Yet another reason to not buy a plane ticket to fly out there, all for nothing if it rains. 

advice.only2's picture

That's how ours is here its on the football field but they only give 8 tickets per student.  

halo1998's picture

That was sham to begin with since he barely gradauted..but I digress.  DH wasn't given a was more important that Beaver, Beaver SR, Mr. Beaver and Beaver Brother attend then you know his FATHER.  So...we watched the recording yep DH skipped it.

lieutenant_dad's picture

When would DH need to put in the request to go?

If DH is on the fence, that's his deadline. He can text SS once and tell him the deadline he needs to know and needs a ticket. No ticket or confirmation, he doesn't go.

It gives SS the opportunity to choose his dad. If he doesn't, DH can't and shouldn't blame himself.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Given your situation, DH should ask SS once if he wants him to attend the graduation. If he doesn't answer, or says no, then DH should not go and can have a clear conscience. If SS does ask DH to go, then DH and go and you should be under no obligation at to attend. When my SD graduated, DH went and I did not and everyone was fine with it.

justmakingthebest's picture

That is the best way to settle it! Wonderful idea!

That way the ball is in SS's court entirely. DH can't feel guilty for being told to not show up, or a refusal to respond. 

Stepgram's picture

DH and I did not attend SD's graduation. It was a 4 hour event with a sit down meal, ceremony and then a dance. SD invited BM and spouse, maternal grandparents, DH and I.  

DH told her that there was no way he would be attending with those people and also told her that it was not fair to me.  SD was upset and tried to guilt us into going but DH held firm. Needless to say I was relieved. DH doesn't always get it right but sometimes he hits the nail on the head. 

DH and I  attended our 2  DDs graduation together and had a lovely time.  It was the same kind of event.