Graduation Advice
Just need some guidance....I've been with my bf for 1 1/2 years. He's been separated from his wife for two years but they are going thru a rough divorce. Unfortunately his "wife" doesn't like me and has choosen a road of pure ignorance and disrespect towards me. Their daugther graduated from HS and the wife is having a grad party at her mother's house. Initially my bf wasn't attenting but he recently found out that his wife and daughter invited several members from his side of the family to the party and they are attending. Those family members are advising him that it is the right thing to do to attend the party. I am not invited and even though I know in my heart that it's about the daugther I'm struggling with him attending. To me his wife has put him in a difficult situtation by inviting his side of the family. How do I left go of this sick feeling in my stomach?
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Get used to it
Thats all I got, sorry. That sick feeling you have will be commonplace in so many step situations. Be glad you werent invited!
Getting involved with a man with a bitter ex wife and a SD is suicidal IMHO.
This aint heplful. I do wish you luck though.
Sadly once you have kids and get divorced there will be times where your BF will have to attend functions where the bitter ex is. Graduations (like this blog), weddings, funerals and the list goes on.
I would take comfort in
I would take comfort in knowing his family will be there for him to hang out with. If he's anything like my DH he will barely acknowledge BM!
He could always decline going
He could always decline going, he can do something with you and his daughter -a dinner out, etc. That said, his decision. I wouldn't attend if it were me, it will only cause issues (as the stepparent).
My thoughts exactly BUT
My thoughts exactly BUT everyone keeps telling me that I shoudn't make this about anyone else except his daugther! I know I shouldn't feel this way, but it's hard not to take him going as a slap in my face. Especially when his wife is a full blown narcissist, he's had to bring assult charges again her over the last year and their marriage ended for numerous reasons including that she had two affrairs, she's was physical and mentally abusive to him and the daughter. His side of the family knows all of that and they are still attending and except him to attend also. Makes me so sad and angry at the same time.
HUN
The ex sounds like such a treat.
Taking his daughter out for dinner is still all about the daughter. You will be celebrating her. Dont let anyone sway your thinking.
What does your BF want to do? This may set a precedent for future celebrations. Knowing the ex is a nutjob you would think he would stay away.
Anything for his daughter!
My BF initially had no intensions on attending, BUT, several of his family members are traveling a couple of hours away to attend the party and they are giving him a hard time about him not wanting to be there. They said it's his responsibility as a father and he should be able to turn the other cheek for his daughter. He is and will always be that Dad who will do anything to look good in his daugther's eyes regardless of how he feels. Hence why he stayed in his marriage for so very long.
Then he needs to cut ties
Then he needs to cut ties with his toxic family, too.
When I left my XH, my mom and SF were furious with me. They saw my XH as their son, and were devastated. Didn't matter how he treated me, they still cared about him and didn't want to lose him in their life.
Fine. They could continue to try and have a relationship with him. But they couldn't stop me from speaking my mind about him. They got an earful anytime they brought him up. It took several years before my mom realized that I might have been right about my XH.
My DH and his mother do NOT get along because of her allegiance to BM. BM has caused many problems and was an abusive cheater. His mom cared more about being a grandparent and less about helping her son through his divorce and single parenthood.
Fine. DH deals with his rarely now. His youngest lives with us full time now (oldest is in college). Guess who doesn't get to see her grandkids like she used to? Yep. She bet on BM, and she lost not only her son, but access to the grands because she thought saddling up to BM would keep her golden.
You and your BF need to come to a concensus when it comes to shared events, SD, and his family. Personally, I'd want him to show up long enough to give SD support, but take her out later with the two of you to celebrate her success (or just him and his daughter, depending on the relationship you have with SD). Then, when his family gets crabby with him, he needs to tell them that he has already scheduled a dinner/event with SD, they are welcome to attend, and he hopes they have a good time. Not at the event, should they decide to bring it up again, he should tell them that he will not continue to expose himself to his abuser, though he won't get in the way of their relationship with her but he won't entertain any more talk of him being involved. NEVER should your discomfort with the situation be echoed to others because, honestly, it doesn't matter.
Now, I don't mean that in a "you don't matter" sort of way. Your feelings should and do matter...to your BF. He needs to consider how you feel and use that to come up with a compromise with you, but the decision on how he acts with his daughter and family needs to be his to make. You may not like that he goes to this party without you, but you can't stop him. You shouldn't stop him. He can go and focus on his daughter, because this is one of the few events that is centered on her. However, birthdays, holidays, and "public" events need to include you. Her graduation celebration can also include you, just not at BM's house.
That's the balance we have to strike. In this specific instance, you being a bit uncomfortable and not going isn't that bad. He is still technically married, you two aren't engaged or married yourselves, and you entered SD's life as an older teen. This should DEFINITELY be something you and your BF discuss and compromise on, but not one where you get mad if he goes. Offer him other suggestions so that you two can celebrate with her, too. His reaction to that conversation will tell you a lot about where your relationship stands.
Sad
The sad part is that my BF's wife hasn't seen or talked to his family in over two years and my BF's daugther has maybe spent a total of 5 hours over the last two years with that part of her father's family. My BF's family feels obligated to attend the grad party because my BF attended all of their grad parties and family functions. Plus they love my BF and his daughter. I hate that I got myself wrapped up in all of this but I honestly thought his wife would have been over things by now, but I'm learning that you can't get anywhere with a narcissist.
I don't understand why his
I don't understand why his family still has a relationship/allegiance with BM. Red flag.
They don't
They have had no contact for over two years BUT since there is still a small connection with the daughter they were invited
The SD is their family member
The SD is their family member (granddaughter, niece, whatever) and they have been invited to her graduation party. I don't think that necessarily means they have a relationship/allegiance with BM.
Graduation parties are about the graduate.
Kind of divided here
On one side - this is definitely setting a precedence for your future. Being excluded is one of the things narcs do in stepworld.
On the other hand, its about the graduate...BF should go, but not stay overly long. He can also do something for his daughter that includes you and some family members that traveled a long distance, separately.
You are setting up the rest
Of your life, He can't be going over to the ex and play Happy Family. Like nothing has changed. He must go over for a short period of time. Do his duty and leave, Not like drink and spend the night.
I'd let it go
I know it's easy for me to sit here, at 76, and say let him go and do something else yourself that night. I was white hot angry at any interaction between my DH and our late BM. But as hereiam said, this is his family's granddaughter, niece and your husband's daughter so I think it's reasonable for them all to go, it's not a slap at you. Should you have been invited, too? That would have been gracious but you can be sure BM couldn't care less about you.
I would be pleasant about it, "Of course you should go to SD's party, tell her congratulations for me". Plan to go to dinner with a friend, or go shopping or whatever.
I also hope you carefully read the posts from people who are telling you to think carefully whether you want to continue the relationship. It never, ever, ever stops and you'll still be dealing with these situations through showers, weddings, grandchildren, baptisms, birthday parties, etc.