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Merry Christmas Skids. You got what you wanted, my marriage is over

RNSN's picture

This site had been a godsend over the years. I never was a member until just know but I always come on and read about what other SMS went thorugh and how they surived the step-horror. 

Been married to Dh for 15 years. Wife passed away long before I came into the picture. I embraced all of his kids. Loved and raised them as my own. His eldest 3 (Sd, and two Ss's) all lauched successfully. The youngest Sd was a different story. No respect for me at all. Everything turned to fight with her and things took a turn for the worst in my relationship with Dh. 

Sd was 18 when I gave her the boot. Dh wouldn't do it. He kept pushing it back. His daughter was not respecting us. 

She went to go live with the eldest. Since then, they have cut us off for 5 years. Within that timeframe, Sd30,  Ss27, and Ss26 all got married. No invite for us. They celebrated the holidays amongst themselves. They did not contact dh for father's day, his birthday. Sd(now 23) graduated with a degree in biomedical engineering. No invite for her graduation. Dh found out from family friends. He did call her to congradulate her; noting. The eldest got pregnant and dh was not told. She did not tell him when his grandson was born. He found out through social media. Tried to contact her, noting. His sons did not respond to him either. Dh still has not met his son-law his 2 daughter-in-laws, or his grandson. 

It tried also. I knew they blamed me for having their little sister removed from our home. I called, texted... noting. Total black out. Sd23 did respond to dh with a text saying "you're a grown man, fix the problem; then we'll talk". 

I was blamed for the estrangement that dh was facing from his kids. They were 'punishining' him because of me.  

After 15 years of marriage, dh told me he wants a divorce. 

Hope everyone else is going to have a better holiday than me. I'm sure the skids are going to be thrilled at the 'problem' is gone. They got what they wanted for Chrismas, Me out of the picture.

I'm heartbroken 

tog redux's picture

These stories are so sad to me. I don't understand how these kids get so much power, except that something must have gone very wrong in the parenting. My SS certainly was empowered by his mother to hate DH, but I don't understand how your skids got so much power, except that DH must have given it to them.  And then he must have thrown you right under the bus.

I'm sorry.  I hope he at least feels torn and doesn't blame you himself.

RNSN's picture

Dh did properly parent is eldest 3. They respected/loved the both us. Don't know what went wrong with the youngest. She also had 5 years to make us(or me in particular) the 'bad guy' that broke up the family. In the end, she got what she wanted. 

Thank you. I honestly don't know what dh feels at this point

susanm's picture

Give him what he wants.  Tell him that you can't believe he would do such an incredibly horrible and selfish thing and that clearly he never really loved you but if that is what he wants then he can have it - immediately.  Get an attorney and get a full and fair division of property and let him go have life with his kids.  Don't bother trying to convince him that he is making a mistake by "being nice" and taking less than you are worth.  And all communication goes through the attorney.  He wants you gone so you are gone.  After all, can't be cheating on the children by seeing youon the side, right?

$20 says that before the divorce is even halfway complete he will be regretting his decision.  They have a life established without him.  He has no place with them anymore.  They will be "thrilled" and there will be a honeymoon at first and then the beating up will set in because they "have to get their feelings out."  He will start to see who these people have become over the years who could cut him off so coldly and thoroughly without even hearing his side of anything.  And he will be asking if you can "figure something out."    But apparently his children are not the only people around who can make such sudden cold and thorough decisions.  You seem to have fallen into a nest of psychopaths.  

You are lucky to be getting out.  Get a good settlement and set up a strong barrier so that you never have to see any of them again.

tog redux's picture

Yes, this is what I was getting at when I said he had given them all the power. They may be happy to have him back at first, but i wonder how quickly they will start asking for money and refusing to speak to him if they don't get it.  People who have the mindset that they have the right to punish someone for a choice they don't like with silence and estrangement, are not people who are willing to have equal relationships.  Being angry at SM is one thing, but cutting out Dad unless he divorces her is quite a different thing.

Either SD23 is a Master Cult Leader, or these older three are not as nice and caring as you thought, OP.

still learning's picture

The "problem" is not gone, he's still there. Your main fault was marrying a weak man who had no idea how to parent or maintain a relationship with his kids.  He may think that the kids will welcome him with open arms now that you're out of the picture but I find that doubtful.  They dismissed and cut him out of their lives easily and for so long.  Will they really have the time of day for him or want to invite him to things?    Their mother is gone and in their minds he may be dead to them too. It can be very hard to bridge the gap of estrangement.  

 

ndc's picture

I'm sorry you're going through this.  Hire the best lawyer you can find and make sure you are taken care of in the divorce.  Then rip off the rear view mirror and look straight ahead into a better future.  

STaround's picture

Holidays are very difficult.  Are you close to other family?  Do not be embarrrassed to tell them that you and DH ae seperating.  It if fine to tell tem you do not feel up to discussing at this point.  

notasm3's picture

I have totally banned DH's son (SS34) from my life after he and his GF moved into our home and helped themselves to 100s of dollars of MY belongings while we were on vacation.  If my DH EVER decided that he needed them more than me I would happily remove him from my life permanently.  NEXT.   

 

sammigirl's picture

I Don't know all the details here; but because I went thru this myself, I will say one thing.

It hurts like a knife in your heart.  Pull the knife out, you will heal, and move forward.

My DH cancelled the divorce and we reconciled, with a whole new set of boundaries.  It is still difficult, it is a different marriage, but it is working for us.

So sorry for your pain, and I will bet your DH will also experience pain (Karma visits); it won't be easy for anyone.

HUGS!

Rags's picture

 Congratulations on starting your new life adventure with this ball-less man and his vindictive spawn fading in your rear view mirror.  Being rid of this shallow and polluted gene pool without it tainting your own is a good thing.  

He threw the D card so go and win this thing.  Take it all.  File first, lock up all of the best attorneys in town by scheduling a consult with all of them, pick the best of the best and put this guy on the sofa of one of his manipulative children.

Take a Christmas cruise and have fun.

Dont let them ruin your life.  Go live it well.  That is the best revenge.

He has made his choice. He will die old and alone. Let him live the clarity of that idiot decision for the rest of his life.

Enjoy yours.

disrestep's picture

What awful timing on your DH's part to do this to you this time of the year. I am truly sorry. You know, it may not be over, so don't lose hope. Not sure if you and DH tried marriage counseling or talked to him about how you feel. Do you think DH is using the divorce word as a way to manipulate yu?

Definitely sounds like YSD never respected you or your DH. What a witch. My YSD is the exact same way. She poisoned many of DH's relatives, the other adult steps and ex-in laws I am the reason DH doesn't do what her and her toxic adult siblings want.

What happens is with these hateful adult steps is that they feed off one another just like little pieces of mold, and they ramp up their hate campaign. They pull anyone in who will believe them and their goal is to make anyone they can hate you as much as they do. 

I am also sorry you DH didn't find his man parts and tell off toxic SD and siblings. They gave your DH a choice to choose between you or him and that is wrong.  A decent DH does not sit back and let his spawn disrespect the woman he loves or his marriage. 

The way I look at it is if a man cannot honor his marriage vows to you, and we all know what most vows are, he is not worth it. You deserve so much better - we all do. 

You did more than most SM's would do in being nice while hateful skids were rude to you. Your DH should see that and respect that you were kind and understand you only can be kind for so long while someone keeps being nasty to you. 

If your marriage doesn't work out, know in your heart you are a human being and deserve to at least be welcome into a spouses family as a human being should. Toxic adult steps should not be calling the shots in your marriage and any spouse should never allow this to happen.

If it doesn't work out, find a nicer, younger man and rub it in DH's face, hire an excellent divorce attorney, document what you have contributed financially to the marriage and serve him papers.

Please never look at yourself as being the problem, your DH is the problem by not honoring his marriage vows. Best of luck to you in the future.

Notup4it's picture

It won’t gef “better” for him. Or if it does it will only be temporary until he does the next thing to “upset” them.  At some point he will be resentful also that they ruined his marriage and he still hasn’t gotten anything from it.  

These are adults- and naturally as kids get older this happens to some extent anyways.  He isn’t going to be with them 24/7 like he is imagining right now.... they will be off doing their own thing and he will be sitting there all by himself. 

You don’t need this in your life. 

MissDenise's picture

Fifteen years is a long term marriage. I don't know if he'll go through with it because it's a wealth killer at that age once the pension etc. are divided. We know so many that can't retire because of late divorces, but now is the time to see an attorney to be prepared for whatever happens.  Those kids have resentments that have nothing to do with you. It may go back to when the mother was alive.  So what if they never call, there's nothing he can do if they choose to ignore him. If he was smart he would simply move on. Enjoy his life with you, travel and live. Tell the kids the ball is in their court let it go. They sound like they have issues. If he thinks by divorcing you all will be like before he really is in for a reality check.  He should be ashamed because you obviously put up with so much. If he goes through with it I would fight tooth and nail. I am divorced from my first husband 24 years. Recently we found out he died and our daughter, his current wife reported his death to a pension plan he was part of but only for the duration of our marriage. To his current wife's dismay I am the beneficiary and am getting a small life annunity. It was part of our QDRO.  The funny thing is he forgot all about it, his wife thought it would be hers. Your husband is in for a big surprise, and yes get a good lawyer.  

Ispofacto's picture

I did not have time to read all the responses, but I am sorry this is happening, OP, especially this month.

Please take care of yourself and get everything out of this divorce you have coming to you, plus interest.

 

sammigirl's picture

Hopefully after the holidays, you will get a time of calm and clear thinking.  Keep us posted.  

Thinking of you during these difficult times.