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I'm not better than anyone

numb87's picture

I stumbled across this website years ago when I first became a stepparent and my inital thoughts were "what a bunch of bitter people." Oh to be so innocent and care free. Here I am. I miserable, I'm angry - I just want my life back. 

I'm ready to vent for own sanity. I've never felt so insignificant in my life. It feels like I'm just here to manage everyone's life for them. That my value as a human only lies in my ability to financially and mentally support these people. Sometimes I wonder if any of them know anything about me? If they could name one thing I like? 

 

Comments

JRI's picture

No, they dont know anything about you and no, they cant name one thing you like.  I suggest you go to the disengagement area of the Forums and read deeply.  Many of us have felt like you do and disengaging and pursuing more of our own interests has been life-saving

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I often felt the same.  You dont mention your DH.  So often, thats where the trouble lies.  Good luck and I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I also wore rose colored glasses once. I think we all did, I can admit I was very naive.

ESMOD's picture

To a varying degree, I think we all had different ideas about how our stepjourney would play out from the beginning.  The problem is that there is no way to account for all the variables.. the relative bitterness and anger that your Spouse's ex may harbor towards him that can spill over and taint relationships with the kids.. that can subject your household to constant stressors and anxieties.  The resentment that the kids have for their parents split.. the impact it has on THEIR lives.. and the issues that result when both parents blame the other for all problems....and give the kids a free pass.  The relatives who meddle and have their own opinions about the split and how the kids should be handled as a result.  

And there is the new stepparent.. who at the core wants their relationship with their SO.  They have varying levels of fortitude when it comes to their desire to be a stepparent.  Some wish the offspring would just dissappear.. and resent every nickel that goes towards the child.. Some step in and even overstep and try to fill a parental role that creates resentment from the kids.. the other parent.. and sometimes even the most reasonable and well meaning involvement and boundaries are viewed as being "too hard" by a partner who at their core may be a "loving parent".. but a completely inneffective one.

So, yeah.. I went in thinking.  "I'm a reasonable woman.. I can see how it would be difficult to be a stepkid.. I can see how it might be difficult to see another woman fill my role so to speak.. I will not place unrealistic expectations.. I will be helpful but not overly intrusive.. etc..."  But...the kids, your spouse.. the EX.. they all have a mind of their own.. and even if your intention is to be "reasonable".. that is sometimes difficult when you are put into an unreasonable situation with unreasonable people.. to fix issues that you didn't cause to begin with.

CajunMom's picture

I'm pretty sure most of us could say something similar. I took a huge hit is Step Hell due to the fact that my ex and I get along great. His wife has become a friend not just to the adult kids we have, but also to me. That includes her adult children. So, having this great blend on my side, I went into re-marriage totally blind. 

Like you, I learned. SMH

BPDHell's picture

I have a similar situation to yours that left me totally unprepared for the chaos I walked into.lol I have a good relationship with my ex, his new wife, and even her kids! Since my SKs were adults when I went into a relationship with their dad, I just didn't see the problems that could arise. I was so naive. LOL In my defence, there is no way I could have known (even my DH didn't know until this past year) that all his kids have mental illness. When we met and married, we only knew the youngest did, since then we have learned the oldest is also diagnosed BPD and the middle kid would be diagnosed NPD if she sought help. The good news is that he is getting onboard with good boundaries, but it has been an ordeal to get here!

CrownJewels's picture

One thing I have never done is spend any of my money on SS. Thank God.

I'm not bitter; I'm angry and worried sick.

CLove's picture

Yeah, Im almost 7 years in this muddled cluster puck, and I definitely see things differently.

I tended to over function and just recently got my a$$ handed to me. I disengaged from the eldest who is SD22 Feral Forger - no drivers license, no job and no college. Currently I am disengaged from SD14almost15 Little Darling. 

There is no magic crystal ball that will give you a vision of what you are in for.