Have problems with stepson.
So I've been a stepdad for about 5 years now. Met my wife when she had a 10 year old. Ss is 15 now. We've had a good relationship until he's turned 14. He's now turned on me because I won't let him game because his school grades are horrible so now he hates me for it. Am I wrong for it? His bm will take his phone away for a day or 2 and give it back. She don't get that he's being disrespectful to me and that I should let him play. Here recently she asked for me to buy him a pair of 80$ blue jeans and I said ok but his father needs to pay me back. Am I wrong for asking that even though the kid has no respect for me? My ss bio dad had never been in his life that much up until now. Even his bio dad thinks that was wrong of me to ask for him to pay me back. As I am head of household that pays for everything. They seem to both not get it.
You're wrong for saying "yes"
You're wrong for saying "yes" to BM about the jeans with a stipulation attached that dad pays you back for them. As you said, the dad has never been in his life much so why would he be responsible for an 80$ jean bill that YOUR WIFE agreed to...you see where I'm going with this? You don't have a stepkid problem (he's just being a normal teenager who wants to be lazy and play games all day and night) you have a wife problem. SHE needs to be the parent. If she isn't backing you up then youre doing too much. She makes you feel like you're the "dad" when it comes to paying up but when it comes to standing besides you in discipline/rules/structure she doesn't really support you or she wouldn't indulge the kid. You cannot be more of a parent to the kid than his own bio parent because that will leave you with a target on your back and place to throw blame anytime things arent going the way they want them to. The solution: tell the BM "no" to 80$ jeans and all other extras unless the kid wants to work for it with some household chores or she can pay you back out of HER money.You shouldnt expect the dad to pay and not the mom just because you like her. The kid has two parents, let them pay for his wants and needs.
I am wrong for saying yes
I like how you get where I'm coming from. She don't seem to get it. She says why can't I buy him those jeans. If the kid respected me I would. But he's already callled me names and tried to bow up on me. If I did the things he did to me to my father, my teeth would be laying in the floor. And all this happened before she told me to buy him the jeans. The father knows now that I said for him to pay my back and he didn't like it. Even though he knows his kid is direspectdul to me. He says im 75% of the problem and his kid is 25%. Wtf!?
im not gonna be busting my ass at work to have a kid treat me like this. And he's even told me he's not gonna listen to me.
What the heck? Why can't SHE
What the heck? Why can't SHE buy her kid's jeans?
She can't afford it. She's
She can't afford it. She's bad on managing money. That's why we don't share bank accounts
Nacho
Nacho
Nacho kid, Nacho problem.
While I completely understand
While I completely understand your frustration over an illbehaved failed family breeding experiment invading your life, and even more completely understand how infuriating it is when your Skid has a Spermidiot that is such a major POS that they have nothing redeeming about them beyond a single viable sperm per Skid, only you can set boundaries that you will not tolerate violation of from your SS, your DW, and the Spermidiot. Compound all of that with a spouse who is an abject failure as a parent as yours apparenty is, and your feelings are completely understandable.
While my SS was for the most part a joy to raise, beyond some not totally infuriating teen boy brain fart episodes, we did have the Spermidiot to deal with and the entire shallow and polluted end of my SS-28's gene pool to deal with as represented by the SpermClan, my DW and I were always a strong team in making a life together, raising SS to viable adulthood, and keeping our collective foot up the asses of the toxic SpermClan. Fortunately for my son (Skid) my DW is a great mother. She had absolute clarity that it was her job to raise her son with clear and firm standards of behavior and performance. I was her team mate in that effort starting from before we married the week before SS-28 turned 2yo.
As for the jeans. You were wrong to pay for them, and you were wrong to go after repayment from your SS's Spermidiot. IMHO. As infuriating as it is to have a waste of skin BioDad in the blended family opposition, his financial contribution for raising his son is the CS he is ordered to pay. CS generally covers the NCP's contribution for food, clothing, housing, extracurriculars, and anything else the NCP is not ordered by pay in a Custody/Visitation/Support order. Jeans, are obviously clothing. If your DW has not nailed his ass to the wall with a CS order, the problem is your wife.
Like your SS is, my SS was a total game head and nearly completely incapable of living in the real world if he had access to video or computer games. If there was a screen on anywhere that he could sense it, he would zone out. Because he was obsessed with computer gaming and that was causing issues with his studies and his real life, we purged all video and computer games from our home when he was in ~6th-7th grade and they did not exist in our home in any form at any point after that.
Does your SS's BIoDad pay anything in CS to your DW? If not, sit her down and inform her very sternly that she will nail his as to the wall with a CS court motion pronto.
Good luck.
I did not pay for the jeans
Good info. Thanks for that. But I did not pay for jeans. I'm not going to if he doesn't respect me at all. I'm head of the household on everything so I still feed him and provide a roof over his head. Ss bio dad is paying 225$ a month for cs. But that's not nearly what I have to pay out every month for him when it comes to groceries or school stuff. What really mad me angry is that she is letting the boio dad claim him on income tax when he clearly doesn't live with him and I've provided for him through the years.
Keep in mind that CS only
Keep in mind that CS only covers the NCP's half of the child's support. Your wife is responsible for the other half.
Time to give DW clarity that the two of you will be claiming SS on your taxes going forward. Make sure to file ASAP in Jan so that the IRS will put the Spermidiot through the ringer. The CP gets to claim the tax credit on the kids unless they surrender that to the NCP. I would make for damned sure that your DW has clarity that since she does not contribute financially to your marriage that YOU get the Skid write off for SS.
WIth such a failed mother as y our wife, it is high time for you to start being assertive rather than tolerating her lack of action regarding her son's behavior and tolerating her spineless crap with her X.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
"she is letting the boio dad
"she is letting the boio dad claim him on income tax when he clearly doesn't live with him"
Is that even legal?
Legal? Yes. I believe it is
Legal? Yes. I believe it is legal. The CP can allow the NCP to take a kid as a tax write off. Divorced or never married parents divy up kid tax write offs between them all of the time. Though it is my understanding that if a CO does not specifically allocate the NCP as getting the tax write off, then the NCP gets it.
Wise? Nope. Not at all IMHO.
If a toxic NCP who has not been given the tax write off by a CO files their taxes first and claims the kid, then it becomes a shit storm for the CP who files later get their money. Ultimately the IRS seems to usually go after the NCP who fraudulently claimed the kid but it can take some time. It is a good idea to make sure that the CO clearly stipulates that the write off is the CPs.
Ok help understand what cp
Ok help understand what cp and co and ncp is. Well idk If it's the same here in Ms but I'd be damned if my ss father claims him after I'm the one who takes care of him all year. My wife doesn't work at the moment so the extra would help with her school. He only pays 225$ a month. That's nothing to what I pay to keep the family sheltered and fed. I have some friends who are paying way more than 225$ a month. My wife and ss dad were never married and he's barely been making the effort to spend more time with his son.
CP = Custodial Parent
CP = Custodial Parent
CO = Court order
NCP = Non Custodial Parent
I understand the frustration of a mostly deadbeat NCP not paying much in CS. My DW received only $110/mo in CS for my then 15mo old SS when we first started dating. Then $133/mo for the next 9 years. As infuriating as it is for an NCP to pay next to nothing, all they are requred to pay is what is stipulated in the CO.
Your frustration will have no impact on what the NCP pays so quit giving him space in your head.
Keep this in mind as well. You are raising your SS and will have far more influence on who he grows up to be than his own father will. In my case... I raised my SS-28 from 2yo on up. I raised him as my own. His mom and I worked together to make sure he followed our example and not the example of his Spermidiot and the shallow and polluted half of his gene pool (The SpermClan).
Ultimately he asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen.
If he is paying his child
If he is paying his child support and not in arrears he has that right regardless every other year usually. It's not to her or your want. If he is in arrears on child support over a certain amount she can turn it into Child Support Recovery and they will withhold his tax refund until he is caught up and award it to her.
My BD situation; Before she turned him into child support recovery she just figured his every other year claim she would just take it upon herself to claim the child because he was behind. He filed with child and the IRS kicked it back because she had already been claimed. He sent paper form in with his decree that stated it was his year, he was awarded and she will eventually receive the audit and have to pay back the tax credit she received for the child plus the fine and interest. (I can't wait) she did receive it anyway.. but it also come off from his arrears amount.
Child tax credits go to the
Child tax credits go to the CP unless otherwise allocated in the CO. EOY I believe has to be included in the CO. It is not automatic in most States.
As I understand it.
Same boat
In the same situation I have 2 step sons who live with me. They are very rude and disrespectful even caught one flicking me off behind my head and when I yeller at him I was told not to talk to his kids like that. The 14 year old is a nightmare! Breaking neighbors windows stealing and picking on my 3 year old daughter all the time. It's frustrating because they both dont even help around the house without their dad paying them too. Nothing wrong with that but I feel like it should be a responsibility to clean up their own mess. There mom will have the 12 year old stay over for a few nights once in a while but the 14 year old never wants to go! And his father doesnt force him to. He just wants to be at my house because he gets away with too much bs. I am expected to buy this kid things and treat him with respect when he doesn't deserve anything he can and should be asking his mom. He always wants to play victim and he feels like Im picking at his son but what am I supposed to do when he is sitting there making my daughter cry, being loud in the middle of the night, sneaking out to do dumb stuff like tourment neighbors! He even egged and old guys house and had his game taken away for 1 day! I just wish his dad would open his eyes and see what a terror this kid really is and send him to his moms. He wants to be lazy and thinks not doing school work is cool Im tired of it and the reason he hates me is because I am not "cool" which means letting him run my house and do w.e he wants which his dad pretty much lets him do. Some days I want to just call cps on my self with false bs to get rid of them so they have no choice to go with their mom. Not sure how that would even work though because I have a nice house and we both have good jobs they will probably come and say they are better off with us. I just want it to be me and my daughter one day without chaos and having to stay in my room all day to avoid the headaches and yelling.
Sorry to hear that
See that is wrong in so many ways. The father of them should discipline them. That is gonna cause a lot of problems with them getting away with stuff. It's line your husband doesn't respect you if he lets his sons disrespect you. To me it doesn't matter if you're not the real parent. You should always respect your elders. My ss knows better to pick on my 2 year old. My ss would always tell my daughter to shut up and tried to push her out the door of his room. I stopped that shit real quick. Kids these days still need the belt. I got the belt from my father and I grew up perfectly fine. I'm glad my father raised me the way he did. You should talk to your husband and let him know how you feel about it and that it's wrong. If he doesn't act in then he's gonna have problems with his kids when they grow up. They need discipline and put outside to work. He shouldn't be paying then to do stuff. They already have a roof there head and get fed.