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Am I wrong?

Jay1's picture

Hi, I'm super new and needed a place to vent. I've been with my bf for almost 3 yrs now. About a year and a half ago his son came to live with us. I still don't know the full story why he did, but put it this way or for the better. He was 5 when my bf brought him home to stay, and he did not talk, was not potty trained, and look completely malnurished. The mother obviously severely neglected him and it was so sad to see because he is such a sweet boy. I've worked extra hard to get him on track and I'm proud to say he's had a major 180! It was difficult especially since I'm younger and never had real experience with children. He's talking and in the first grade and I'm so proud. The problem is, his mother calls from time to time and it really bothers me. I try to look past it because I know how my step son feels about me, but it angers me to hear him call her mommy when she's on the phone. She doesn't come around, she doesn't send him anything and she calls probably a couple times every few months. Am I wrong for having these feels? I'm just angry with her because of how she treated her son, yet she gets the honor of being called mommy. Idk, please someone let me know. Thanks :) 


JRI's picture

You've done a wonderful job with this little boy!  You must be a great person.  I'm worried for you, though, Jay, because if you read around on Steptalk, you will see hundreds of posts from stepmoms who have poured their love into children.  Not every time, but in many cases, the kids turn back to BM as soon as possible and seem to ignore all the stepmoms love and efforts.  Sometimes, the BM suddenly wants the child, that's another frequent occurrence.  I think the reason you are particulsrly vulnerable to these heartbreaks are 1) you guys arent married and 2) I dont see anything about a legal custody order. So, I know I didnt address your particular question but these issues seem more urgent for you to undetstand.  I don't want you to get hurt.  Good luck!

Jay1's picture

Thank you! I completely understand! As far as the legally battle he's finally seeking counsel to get things resolved. They have shared custody as of now. I think my main issue is her contacting him after how she treated him. I wouldn't have a problem if she done right by him. I would actually encourage that relationship but she Treated him so poorly.

Here I Am's picture

Bio mom is guilty of child neglect and abuse punishable by law.  Where was bf when all this was going on (or not going on)? I understand your hurt, but still I think it's only natural for him to call his bio mom "mom."  & if she didn't care about him when he was with her, why is she even calling?  or allowed to call?  Children respond to love and he knows where the love is coming from, You.  You Are being a mother to him regardless of what word/name is used.  What does he call you?  I would try to look past it for now & allow your relationship with your step son to continue growing.   The names will work & evolve over time.

Jay1's picture

Thanks for the response. He calls me by my nickname, and I'm okay with it. As far as his father he's been involved. Prior to him having his son she would keep him from him or ask the father to buy things for her in order to see the child. She is a piece of work and that's what bothers me most! I feel like she shouldn't have access, but his father isn't on the same page as me. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Your feelings are perfectly normal. However, you need to learn to protect your heart. BM is still his Mom and he will probably always love her, and express that love, no matter how badly she treated him. What does he call you now? Maybe you can come up with some sort of special name.

How does BF father the child? Has he done anything to help, or has it all been you?

How are things being handled legally? Does BF have official custody? Does BM have any rights? Were they married? If this has not gone through the courts, BF needs to get a lawyer and get everything official.

Winterglow's picture

Agree about getting a court order. She might call a bit less if she has to pay child support.

Jay1's picture

Thank you! He calls me by my nickname now. As far as the courts as concerned, his father has finally reached out to legal counsel to help start the process. I hope he follows through with it. I would'nt be upset if she was a great mother and he calls her that but she wasn't. He never mentions her or ask to call her, he only talks to her when she calls the father. 

Aunt Agatha's picture

This is Not your child, no matter how much you love them.

A huge question that will tell you a lot about your long term success with this child is the role your BF is playing.  You clearly did a great job turning the child around, but where is your BF in all this?

As was said above:

- Did he peruse any type of child abuse charges or file a child endangerment with any agency?

- Does he have a court agreement outlining custody of the child?

- Has he been equally (but ideal more involved than you) himself in turning his child around?

- Has he put or allowed you to take on the insta-mommy role while stepping back himself from actual parenting?

- Does he correct the child as needed or have you do it?  If you, does he support you in your decisions?

You are young and have your life before you.  It's great the positive impact you've had on this very young child.  But you have preteen and teenage years ahead, a drug addled BM who is still lurking around the edges and a kid who will in a few years be entering what can be an awful stage of any kids life.  This is a recipie for a tough road ahead.  

Plus you are not married.  So if you and BF break up, you will have no legal access to this child.  Contact with said child will be over.

Please read around on the boards.  You are facing something very, very challenging and most likely heart breaking.  Your jealousy now with BM isn't a good sign if you can't recognize you will never be this child's mom.  She always will be and there is a good chance you will be tossed aside when she is ready to play mommy again.

What do you want for your life?  If you don't have a good career, focus on getting one. Make sure you provide your own stability in life.

Jay1's picture

Thank you for your feedback. His dad is involved and now he's finally seeking legal counsel. I'm not sure what his hesitation was or why he didn't purse earlier. As of now they have shared custody but he's been living with me for almost 2 years now. 

I see what you're saying and I have goals for my own life. I've also talked about what our future looks like now that his son is involved. 

CLove's picture

Welcome to the site!

Your feelings are valid. I have them too. You can love them and do everything a mother does, but at the end of the day you are not the mother. And that hurts. I get it. So, prepare yourself for more hurt in the future, Read the blogs and posts. You are doing everything right and yet, sorry no medals of honor, just that sweet child loving you (for now).

Sorry if I seem harsh, Ive just been living this for 6 years.

Glad that your partner is involved and is going through the legal system to get things sorted out. 

Best wishes and keep us posted!

Jay1's picture

Thank you for vailidating my feelings! It's really hard at times but I'm glad I found this site to vent because not everyone understands. Hopefully things will look up in the future! Until I'll continue to show him the love he deserves.