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Hate my stepson. Am I overreacting?

Sunflower25's picture

I've dated my BF for over 1.5 years, still trying to figure out if I should run for the hills.  Anyways,  he has a 6 y/o SS, and the child isnt awful or mean, but everything the kid does irks me. As a quick backstory, 
My BF has had problems with BM,
BM would completely ditch the son leaving BF as primary parent. BM would not call child, didn't care about child at all. 

I think the child already has abondment issues. Reason being is that the kid just wants nothing but attention. The kid cannot go a single minute without begging for some kind of attention from BF or Myself. The problem is, I am introverted and can only tolerate so much from the SS. I try my best to fake it and give him as Much attention as I can.  My SS is only 6 so I understand that they have high energy but I think he has ADHD. my SS will always roll Around on the floor, always interrupting conversations, always asking "who Will win" Questions and makes you follow him to watch I'm play. 
My BF reminds me that if I need a break from my SS I can, but I know it hurts him that I don't love my SS. I can't even eat across Or next To my SS. he is only 6, and obese. He eats like a pig that's going to get his Food taken away from him. His BM is overweight and I know he is on the same Path as her. 
everything he does Annoys me. I am Not an affectionate person, and my SS always wants to touch me. I get grossed out being next to him because he is always so Sweaty from Being hyper and has an odor, no matter how many showers he takes. 
I have tried being a nice SM and took him On my family's vacation , but during the entire trip, he couldn't stop bringing up His BM, like why? My SS BM never has taken the kid on any vacation, or showed interest in him. What is the obsession?

Im at the point where I think I just resent SS and BM. I would love for BM to step up and be primary parent leaving us To only seeing SS on weekends. Am I a terrible Person?


The_Upgrade's picture

You're not a terrible person. If your SS is obese and DH is the primary parent then he's failing his child. There is no way a hyperactive child can pack on weight like that unless he's being fed a diet that's high in fat and sugar. It can explain the body odour issue despite frequent showers as well. At a young age diet really does affect mood and behaviour. I've seen it where a child eats high sugar foods and gives the impression of having ADHD symptoms while on the sugar high, then comes crashing down on the low and has violent tantrums, and bribed with more sweets to stop screaming. Rinse and repeat. There is no room between the high and low cycles where they can learn level headed behaviour. But it's not the child's fault.

Your SS isn't going away, BM isn't going to find sanity and reclaim her child. And even if she does your BF wouldn't let him go without a fight. You'll be trading SS daily intrusions in your house for sitting on the sidelines watching the custody battle.That's your future if you stay with this guy even if he steps up and gets his child's current issues sorted. It doesn't make you a terrible person if you step away from all that and find someone who didn't come with so much baggage. Sometimes relationships don't work out. But be honest and accept that it's the lack of parenting that's created a demon child. And the parent is your partner.

tog redux's picture

Well, the poor behavior and obesity aren't BM's fault if she's not around, those are due your BF's poor parenting. I think it's important to be honest about who the real problem is - him. He's allowing the kid to overeat, roll around on the floor and smell bad - not her.

Even if she was around and you just had him on every other weekend (not a common custody schedule anymore, most fathers want more than that), his behavior would still annoy you.

You may not resent your BF now, but you will over time, when you realize you've been blaming the wrong people for your situation (BM and SS, instead of BF).

I say cut your losses now.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Your BF and his son may be the nicest people in the world but that situation will get old. Your BF sounds like a lazy parent, and you will come to resent him for it. He may try to get you to step in and try to correct years of bad parenting, leaving you more resentful. You will resent BM for not performing her duty, and (i'm guessing) not paying any child support. Do they even have a custody schedule or can BM just breeze in and out as she pleases? Because that gets really old. Plus, even if you were supernanny with unlimited time and resources to just care for this child, at 6 and already having health problems, that's a lot of damage for you to try to undo. 

Harry's picture

From the beginning, Do you really think he's going to start now ?First this kid needs to see someone. It takes work to find the right fit for him.  Second your BF must do work to correct his DS behavior.  Eating ,,cook healthy meals limit his eating.  Then working on his abondment issues.  

Most important,  this kid is six YO.  You are going to be in this for close to 20 years.  Do you really want to live this way,  never have a free adult time,  never going away and have fun   
Dating is to find out how you two fit together..  seems like you don't fit.  

MissJulsie's picture

You are not overreacting at all. your SS sounds like a pain in the butt. 
Your situation has many similarities to mine when I first met my other half. My SS was 6, and even though he didn't do anything that was majorly awful or mean, yes, I was the same :  he just was NOT a likeable child, everything he did I found irksome, and he just made my anxiety levels go through the roof. He was also clingy, attention-seeking and hyper. 
I was extremely torn, because I really didn't want to end it with my BF. But a couple of times, SS would do something that would tip me over the edge, and a couple of times, I DID attempt to break it off. But then my BF would cry and cry and cry, and I would always give in and stay. (And after all, I never really wanted to leave either).

However, fast forward to the present day: my other half and I have been together 11 years now. We got married, travelled,  bought a house, got a dog, and had a baby. (She's 2 now).

And right now as I write this, I can honestly say that it would have been a lot easier if I had of just stuck to my guns and left the relationship. SS is now 17, and still causing problems. And we only have him part time. I dread to think about your life having your SS full time.

Do me a favour: don't put pressure on yourself to make any BIG decisions this week. But try and spend a few weeks away from your BF and SS, as soon as you can. Go and stay with a friend. Go on a road trip. Visit your parents. Anything. Then check in with yourself and see how you feel. You might love your freedom so much that you'll be determined to not go back .....

Dogmom1321's picture

He's 6. He lives with you full time. This is a totally different situation than if he only visited holidays and summers. And he's young. You have 10+ years with this child if you decide to stay. Not only that, but like most COD, he has a lot of issues for him and his Dad to sort out. 

Is this how you envision your future? If you want your own kids, would you want to bring THAT into the mix? Don't put aside your own happiness just because you love your BF. I see far too many SMs on here settle for a life they later regret. Run while you can. 

SteppedOut's picture


Don't waste your life. 

New_to_this's picture

You are not a terrible person for resenting a child that shows you affection. My advice to anyone who doesn't have children and is dating someone who does and has any qualms about the relationship is to RUN. Living with a child that is not yours is completely different from living with your own. You can teach your own child, but you have to rely on your partner and his ex to teach skids. An attention-seeking 6 year old is pretty normal. A young skid that doesn't stop talking about their mom to you is too. Being annoyed and resentful about it is normal, but not healthy. Your health will decline over the years due to this.  You aren't yet enmeshed in this (you don't have kids with your partner) so find yourself a better kind of normal.

I met my SS when he was 8 and he was stinky with ADHD, a not-reliable mother, and a lax father. At 16, he's still stinky, still has ADHD as well as a host of other mental issues, he's now obese, his mother hasn't changed, and I'm trying to work on his father so that my children are raised better. I'm all sorts of resentful. I disengaged with the skids, but even if I didn't, none of my parenting would have changed their behavior/actions because their parents had different views of how to parent. You can teach and discipline your own and not be annoyed, but you can't do the same with skids.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I too had the mistaken assumption that i could make a difference. Having my own kids, having worked with kids for years. I was wholly unprepared for the difficulty of dealing with years of ingrained dysfunction. I was also unprepared for the fact that BM could just breeze in at random and throw her weight around, basically making my influence close to zero. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Also, here's another little joy - when something goes wrong, the stepmom is often the first person the family will blame, but when something goes well, the bioparents bask in the glory.

Wilhelm's picture

Have BF take this child to a doctor for a health check. Body odour, obesity and behaviour could be linked.


Johnm0819's picture

Only my SD is 9. Needs attention all the time. Can't do anything for herself. It's miserable, and why I'm leaving. You're loved here, stay strong.