Neurologist revealed DH has drank away a pound of his brain mass
due to decades of alchol abuse, (referred to him as a "textbook alcholic") but doesn't want his "kids" or anyone else to know. This tells me there is shame, and understandably so. He is what is known as a "high functioning alcoholic." I have rarely seen him drunk. The imaging clearly shows brain matter in the frontal lobe has receded almost 1" from the front of the skull. His brain wave activity is also very slow. Admittedly, the news of his brain damage was a devastating blow to both of us, but especially to me.
At the nuerologist's (17 years sober himself) recommendation DH has slowed way down, only drinking an occasional beer, whereas he was drinking a CASE PER DAY (it might last almost 2 days) and drinking 2-3 8 oz glasses of hard liquor (various types) with only a "splash of water." I have never seen him drink milk, and he rarely drinks juice and may drink the neck out of a bottle of water then put it aside. All he would ever drink from late morning until early evening was beer.
I am a non-smoker or drinker.
The frontal lobe houses many commands and controls so much. Clearly this has impaired many things, including reasoning skills, decision making, rationale, intimacy (in all the years we have been together there has been zero bedroom activity) and so much more.
He has legally and situationally placed wealthy kids in the position the wife should be in, and basically has given them everything debt-free, while making no provision (legally or monetarily) for his potential widow. I'm wondering if some legal paperwork may be overturned due to this diagnosis? To me, it seems it is the epitome of financial abuse and exploitation. His "kids" have to know this, as they have seen it all their lives as well. It's no secret alcohol is (was) his beverage of choice.
Almost 2 years ago I had to let my 17 year old dog go, and he would not accompany me to do this. Most recently, I had to let my other very senior aged dog go, and he also did not go with me. Thankfully, both times one of my children was able to go with me impromptu.
My grief was fresh; less than 12 hours. SKs were planning to visit and I asked him to please have them postpone the trip so I would have time to absorb the pain and grieve my loss with him being at least physically present, to which he screamed, "They're off and they can't RESCHEDULE A HOLIDAY WEEK-END!! WHERE ARE YOUR KIDS?" I explained to him my "kids" are not my spouse, he is, and I would like him to spend time with me and at the very least be here! No. Absolutely not. He would not do that. I feel that was very selfish and asked what marriage is to him? He spent the entire week-end with them, doing whatever they wanted, never bothering to check in with me. Mind you, I have been there for ALL OF HIS NEEDS; several medical procedures, functions we attend, when he had to make the painful decision to euthanize his dog I was there. I made his favorite meals and created different picture themed keepsakes for him, all of which he appreciated, but will not reciprocate.
The neurologist told him at the last appointment if he learns of him even having had one drink in between that appointment and the next, he was writing him a prescription to a residential rehab facility. The appointment is quickly approaching...do I divulge that he has, in fact had a few? Nothing in comparison to what he has been doing for years.
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It sounds horrid. Do you have
It sounds horrid. Do you have to stay married? He's going to get progressively worse. Of course you tell a doctor that he keeps drinking
Tell the doctor. It may
Tell the doctor. It may provide ammo for any future legal battle. And see if you can get copies of his medical records.
Is his attorney daughter aware of his drinking problem? That might be an interesting angle to explore since she has persuaded her father to hand most of his estate over to his kids.
I'm so sorry for what this drunken fool has done to you.
Thanks Exjuliemccoy...I fully intend to tell the doctor in his
presence. I am the one who told the neurologist to the degree DH drinks. When he asked DH he told the dr 6-8 a beers a day. The dr said he automatically doubles or triples the amount the patient tells him.
At one point he looked at DH and read the previous appointment notes to him, which incuded, "...drinks a case a day" to which DH denied vehemently. The dr looked at him and said, "Look at your beautiful wife who does not drink and who is younger than you. Are you calling HER A LIAR?" DH of course said, "No." The dr said, "Good answer, because if I had to believe either of you, I would believe HER."
Oh yes without a doubt. In almost every photo for decades he is holding a beer or some other alcoholic beverage. To say she does not know would be a lie. She absolutely KNOWS and has used it to HER ADVANTAGE. And yes, especially given her line of work, it would be very interesting to explore!
Thank you, sincerely.
Why are you staying with him.
Why are you staying with him.
I would be separting/divorcing his sorry a@se. His kids want all his money/assets then they get the pleasure of dealing with him drunk self. Even if he manages to stop drinking and it's a big IF will still have brain damage due to his drinking, You have given him more then enough of yourself, please don't waste more of your life and money on him.
This is easier said than done, and I have been with this person
for years. He is more than an "alcoholic" and I have loved him for many years.
He has stopped the excessive drinking and I would say I have seen him drink maybe a total of 5 beers in as many months. He is making the effort to change.
I agree, I have been the giver in this marriage, and at times it has been exhausting.
He has already given his kids EVERYTHING, and they are NEVER HERE in his time of need. I feel badly for him, and I realize he created this mess, but don't want him to die old and alone.
He doesn't treat you well.
He doesn't treat you well. That's the main point. Just because you love a man who treats you poorly doesn't mean you must stick around
I agree. It sounds like you
I agree. It sounds like you would be better off emotionally and financially to divorce. Why would you want to take care of a man who cares so little about you?
Alcoholics are very secretive
Alcoholics are very secretive - if you have seen him drink "a few" then I would strongly suspect it has been many more than a few. His liver and other organs, as well as his brain will be in a perilous state. Don't expect him to make old bones unless he gives up drinking completely. On top of that he is very selfish. To all addicts, nothing is more vital than their drug of choice - I speak as a 17 yr addict now 4 yrs in recovery (pills not booze). What does he actually have going for him as a husband? Not much, from were I'm standing.
Yes, he is clearly selfish and when one of the SKs brought him
multiple cases of beer, I disposed of it, to which (when DH noticed) he said, "You have no right to do that. That is MY ONLY ENJOYMENT. How would you feel if I threw away your Cokes or baked goods?" I replied, 'That would be ok, and in all fairness, those are not causing me to have brain damage. I am trying to help YOU! How is this your only enjoyement? You've had a wife fully dedicated to you despite the circumstances, and you live in a beautiful area and have a great business...and drinking is YOUR ONLY ENJOYMENT?"
Thank you for sharing a bit of your background and experience with personal addiction related demons. It takes courage to do that and I am grateful to you for sharing that. It puts things in a different light when it's coming from a recovering addict.
To answer your question, "What does he actually have going for him as a husband?": This has been a progression, so in the beginning there were many things I appreciated and loved about him, but as you have read on other posts, much has transpired, particularly over the last couple of years. I told him if he didn't stop drinking I was leaving. Beneath it all I have loved him, but realize he has not loved me in the manner or way that I deserve to be loved. He has shown me his kids are first. The alcohol consumption has slowed WAY DOWN and I am certain of that, as I am with him daily, every day. There is zero opportunity. I see an effort for him to facilitate change, and it's been for several months, not just a week or two. I believe anyone can change if they have the desire to do so.
Sorry this isn't as organized as I would have liked, I'm on my way out the door, but wanted to respond and thank you.
It would be extremely hard
It would be extremely hard for him to stop drinking without help at his level of alcoholism. He's going to continue to drink and he's going to continue to decline in every way, leading eventually to his death, which won't be very long from now.
Divorce him, so you can get a fair financial settlement. Even if you stay with him to care for him after, divorce him so you have something to live on after he dies. No, you won't get his will overturned due to this diagnosis, and it would be an incredibly long and bitter fight.
Oh, and go to Al-Anon. No one lives with this level of alcoholism for years without some copendency. The fact that you even have to ask whether or not you should be honest with his doctor speaks to the ways you've covered up and enabled his drinking.
How would one stay together after a divorce to help the other
person?
Also, there is NOTHING to be had in divorce because he has given it all to his kids.
And Al-Anon is not meeting in our area due to COVID.
Oh, I thought you were saying
Oh, I thought you were saying he had left it in his will to them, sorry. You just divorce and then continue to be in a relationship, so your money isn't going to his kids.
Please consider Al-Anon.
Al-Anon is not meeting in our area due to COVID...it has been
this way for months and there appears to be no lifting of policy here.
No. It is all theirs! ALL OF IT.
I think it is time to have a
I think it is time to have a serious talk with him about planning for your future. Time to revisit your wills, make sure life insurances are properly in place with each other as the beneficiary, all retirement account access and beneficiary updated, the deed/mortgage on any home(s) that you own, car information, Prenup/postnup, bank accounts with beneficiary info updated, login information, etc.
Being a military spouse, I was taught from an early age to have a firebox with the "Just in case file". Sounds like you need to get yours in line.
Thank you. I have done this and done this, and his response was
to gift his wealthy "kids" EVERYTHING HE OWNS DEBT-FREE.
I too was a military spouse for over 2 decades. Believe me, I know that preparedness is a necessity, BUT if the other person is unwilling to assist in the legalities, then?
One victory is that life ins is in place and I am the irrevocable beneficiary, and that is greatly appreciated, however, though the amount is decent, it will not cover health care and living expenses for the remainder of my life.
"if the other person is
"if the other person is unwilling to assist in the legalities, then? "
I don't know... Ask him if we wants to be in this treatment and end of life alone or with his partner> Because a partner wouldn't leave the other unprotected.
But you would have to be prepared to walk away and I don't think you want to do that either.
Dialysis isn't cheap. If my
Dialysis isn't cheap. If my mom's husband wasn't a veteran and his treatment somehow covered by the VA, the medical bills from his frequent hospitalization due to jaundice, liver failure and injuries caused while drunk would have bankrupted them years ago. Oh, and the rehab bills! Jesus!
He's not going to have anything left for anyone unless he's extremely wealthy right now.
My father is 80 and an
My father is 80 and an alcoholic. He was in the hospital right before Covid started and was going through really bad withdraw. His doctor also told me he multiplies the number by 2 or 3 to figure out how much he really drinks. We are all stunned he has made it to 80; the amount he drinks is staggering.
Miss Texas, I know you have years of history with him. I hate to see you have to play free nurse for him more than you already have, only to get the boot at some future point.
Oh my goodness...that is scary. How is he doing?
What set all of this into motion was things were happening that weren't normal. As you know from other information provided, he has made some very irrational marital decsions, all at the enouragement of his daugther, because he thinks she is the smartest thing on the earth.
Then, he started having various inexplicable accidents, both physically and bodily. I have close friends and family members in the medical field and they feared it was the onset of dementia, due to the symptoms, forgetfulness etc. So they advised we begin with the cardiologist. He's used the same one for years, and his heart always does great prior to medical procedures, so I doubted if it was that. I contacted the nurse to the cardiologist to let her know my concerns, as I see him every day, and know when things are not right. She was absolutely SHOCKED at the level of drinking/accidents/forgefulness etc. I told her I need the cardiologist to recommend he see a nerurologist next. HE respects this doctor and will do what he tells him to do. So naturally cardio checked out perfectly, but the neurologist's findings took us in a very different direction.
On one hand, I'm glad I now know, but on the other, it has been a bitter pill to swallow. I still see the images on the huge screen, comparing DH's brain to a normal one. I see the low brain waive activity, the neuropathy from the knee down (which causes many accidents, unbalance, and falling) .
Oh yes, the neurologist says he doubles and quadruples what he "patient" tells him regarding their take on consumption. At intake I informed the doctor of the level of alcohol he consumed up until that point. At the next appointment (after all the testing had taken place) he reviewed the intake information, to which DH vehemently denied drinking to that extreme, and the doctor said, "Look at your beautiful, articulate wife who is a non-drinker. Are you calling her a liar? If so, I tend to believe her word over yours. I am 17 years sober myself, and I know all the tricks."
Thank you friend. You know much of my back story. We will have to see what steps we will take next.
I’m suspicious too
At that level of drinking it would be very very hard for him to quit cold turkey without some massive withdrawal problems.
I have a relative who was an intense alcoholic like your husband. She nearly died on a two hour plane ride because her body was expecting alcohol and didn't get it so she went into withdrawal right there on the plane, and had a stroke.
Just to be sure I'd scout around the house, the business, the cars, and your property for bottles. He may also have switched to something else if he's "okay" with less booze.
You make excellent points. How sad is that? A stroke on the
plane!! Just wow!
Well, he has had withdrawal symptoms. He recently had a terrible accident and before they could even begin to treat him for that at the hospital they had to give him meds for tremors! I didn't know that until I brought that paperwork to the neurologist!
I am meticulous at checking EVERYTHING OUT. Believe me there are lots of hiding places here! I know them all, and I check regularly. Anything and EVERYTHING gets disposed of IMMEDIATELY.
Interestingly enough, he didn't "see himself" as an alcoholic. When the neurologist told him "You're a classic textbook alcoholic." He started naming all the things he does and all the successes he's had in life. I pointed out that he is what is known as a high functioning alchoholic, and much is done like he is on "auto pilot" because he's done it all for so many years. I explained that we are not attacking him, we are trying to help him. He is a good person with a problem area. He needs HELP.
His kids NEED TO KNOW, so that they will stop bringing him alchohol. It's ridiculous!
Thanks!