Well, the first step is to have a serious conversation with him about how you are feeling and that you are considering divorce.  The next is to see what he is willing to do differently - ie, set better boundaries on phone calls with BM and actually PARENT his child effectively. Maybe he would take a parenting course with you, since you plan to have kids. Figure out a way to take charge of the time she's in your home and make it more pleasant.

It's worth a try to make these changes before you throw in the towel.

I'm normally all in for step moms, but in this case I have to say first--poor little girl.

Poor you, too. Definitely talk to DH. You're newlyweds, so he'll naturally be contrite and will promise to change. But be on the lookout for backsliding. Make sure he knows that if (actually, when) any degree of backsliding happens, you're out of there, and be certain in your own mind that you'll leave immediately at the first sign that things are not going well.

I'm so sorry you got into this. You are a young woman with your whole life ahead of you. Do not waste time trying to turn this ship around. Please please please do not spend years waiting and hoping and trying to effect change that is, sadly, unlikely to stick if it even happens in the first place.

You're not selfish, you just jumped into marriage too soon, without having all of the facts.

When marrying a man with kids, it's very important to spend enough time around the kid and get to know the dynamics before committing. Just loving the man is not enough.

Get him a good parenting book, now.  If he doesn't want to read it and discuss the (proven) ideas with you, you've got more problems coming your way.

Don't be too hard on yourself. This is something that has happened to many first time brides who've married a man with children. Because you're not a parent, you didn't know what red flags to look for, or what a relationship killer having a partner who's a weak parent would be.

As for cringing at cuddling with the child, this is normal, so don't assume there's something wrong with you. We females are wired to be territorial, and rejecting another female's young is an atavistic response. But we are also wired to be relational, which makes us wonder why we aren't more accepting. Blending takes time, and you are essentially strangers. Some men assume that all women love all children, and that their new partner will easily take over the mother role, but this is simply not true. Your H should allow you and his daughter to get to know each other gradually and form your relationship organically. He is the parent, you are not, and he should be the one caring for his child.

It sounds as if you and your H did not discuss in great detail what your day to day life would be like, or who would be responsible for what. You seem like a person who appreciates structure, so having a spouse that doesn't parent well must be very hard on you.

You need to have The Talk. Tell him this isn't working for you, why, and that you're considering leaving. See how he responds. Hopefully the two of you can work on this together, but if you can't, don't feel guilty. Steplife is not for everyone.

Fix the mistake.

There is nothing wrong with making a mistake... we all make mistakes. 

What is not ok, is knowing you made a mistake and doing nothing to correct it. 

Do not waste your life and ruin your health wallowing in misery. 

Yes!, and this has to go.  Co-parenting is OK, but hanging out with the ex- like it is the good ol’ days is not:  “He co-parents with his ex and this sometimes involves long ass conversations that annoy the hell out of me because they just seem unnecessarily prolonged. She also video calls to speak to the child half an hour after he picks her up and throughout the weekend so he has to sit there with his phone while they chat away having family time.”

Also, I think what happens sometimes, is SMs see their DH exhibiting bizarre other-family behaviors that they are uncomfortable with or haven’t seen before, and since this type of activity seems to revolve around the child, they wind up “blaming” the child rather than speaking with or confronting their DH about it.

And, you also are dealing with multiple cultures.  Perhaps in DH and BM’s culture, this is commonplace, where the ex-/ BM has permission to intrude, so to speak.  Now, that in no matter, shape or form means you have to suck it up and take it, but there are many layers here to navigate.  Even more than usual for a bioless SM.

All you can do in this situation, as others have suggested, is have a heart-to-heart talk with your DH.  Do not try to blame his SD in any way.  She is young and innocent.  But openly discuss what you see as your role and what his expectations are for your role.  Meanwhile, you can discuss what you see as his role as your husband and bio-dad.

But, at the end of the day, it may come down to you just can’t stand it.  On the other hand, marriage is about compromise, but compromise by both.  By no means should being a SM ever translate into a SM having to “suck it up and take it.”

It sounds like the (understandable) feelings you have toward the situation are being transferred to the child. She is not responsible for the enmeshment your DH has with his ex, but she is *used* as the reason you should accept it. And she is not responsible for her bad behavior at this age. Like with a dog, it's been trained into her by her parents. Your DH allows her to sleep in your room and interrupt your sleep. He must cater to her whining, otherwise she wouldn't do it (not as much anyway.)

It doesn't have to be this way. Your husband makes it this way. If he is willing to set limits with both her and BM, it can work. He has to be willing, though. I would suggest telling him honestly how you feel, and proposing solutions. Specific behavioral changes, and i would start with the sleeping situation and the excessive communication with BM. That's just me, though, as those are my personal deal-breakers. You will have to figure out yours. If he isn't amenable, at least you can say you tried before cutting your losses.

Full dosclosure - my experience with setting limits on kids and bioparents is that i am a bioparent and i set limits with my kids and ex, because i want to. My SO is still working on it and that's why we don't live together. The parent in the situation has to want it. 

the truth is things will only get worse if they arent disscussed.  please dont feel guilty that you do not like his daughter nor do you want to give affection to her etc,, this is his job to parent her and should not try to force anything on you.  As far as the communicating with the ex as a family ,, this will only cause major problems for everyone involved,,,,, first of all if the BM is constantly calling the kid when she is with you ,,this kid is going to have seperation issues.... my ex-DH and the BM would every night call to say goodnight to step brat,, im sure they still do and the kid is turning 13 and has major seperation issues ,, he cant go a day without speaking to mummy and daddy at bedtime and doesnt go to sleepovers at friends houses cos he will miss them too much,, hes super clingy and plays them off also.  Youre life is only going to get harder as the child gets older and more demanding and before you realise ,, your whole life is dictated by a bratty kid and a munipulative BM

You aren't a bad person. You just jumped into a marriage way too soon. I always highly recommend living with someone who has children for at least 3 years before considering marrying them. Over time yes these situations just get worse. I am so sorry. I was with my ex for five years and we lived together for a little over two years before I called it quits. I cared about his kids immenselt but the reality is they were two entitled spoiled brats who wanted to split us up and did. They were like this because of Disney parenting by their parents and extreme coddling by their grand parents.  It was just too hard and not a good quality of life for me. 

When you marry a man with a child his kids and his ex are a packaged deal. There were other suitors who very likely came and went before you came along. It is a good idea to live together for several years before contemplating marriage for this reason. The kids will most likely try very hard to split you up over time for a number of reasons. His kids may be ncie to you now but it is too soon. They won't be as nice ot you later on down the road. They know they have the power in the household to split people up and will use this power.

So I just wonder what is meant by the term "packaged deal"?  That term is used a lot in step-situations, but going by the Webster's definition, it means: 1 : an offer or agreement involving a number of related items or one making acceptance of one item dependent on the acceptance of another 2 : the items offered in a package deal.

If it is: "Making acceptance of one item dependent on the acceptance of another," that is pretty broad.  I mean, is it like buy the house, knowing and accepting that some of the appliances might need replacing; or, is it buy the house, somehow knowing and accepting that it'll be nothing but a money pit and soak up many of your resources for years to come?  The former you could anticipate before the buy.  The latter, however, there is no way you could anticipate that until you are are well into the deal.

I'm sorry you are sad at the moment but it will get less immediate in time.

I also think that over time you'll look back on the relationship with your STB Ex and realise that he isn't a great husband or friend if he couldn't fix some of the issues you shared with us in your earlier posts.  A marriage is about compromises but they need to be equitable for the relationship to be happy.  Maybe some therapy would help you to understand the red flags that you missed with this guy.

Take care of your self 

I am divorcing right now after 5 month married. I didn't fathom the ex wife and his kids would be a problem and didn't get the reality dose til after I was married n moved in.

Don't be hard on yourself! You only knew so much when going into the marriage...if you knew before you married what you know now, you may have chosen not to marry him, I wouldn't have in my situation.

The fact that your dh sees nothing wrong with his ex sleeping over is bizarre...he has zero empathy for your feelings  or comfort level...it is not normal for a married man to invite ANY woman over to spend the night. He is at best inconsiderate and ignorant. He may not have empathy for you which makes him dangerous to be around. ( if this is the case, read Dangerous Personalities, these ppl are very charming til they capture you)

Your dh, though charming, is NOT respecting you. He is NOT over his ex at all which is dishonest and unfair to you.

You married a man who is still very involved with his ex which means, nice as he acts, he is using you for sex, maid, etc. It happens all the time. Husbands are supposed to forsake all others. He hasn't done that, and unless you accept polygamy, you will always take a back seat to his ex. He will use the excuse that he has to talk ti her n see her because of the child. I know, because my stbxdh shows signs that he still longs for his ex. I refuse to take a back seat to any woman, even his daughters...which is another ugly issue with my stbxdh. 

Let alone the child in your situation, how your dh disregards your feelings or even potential feelings by still playing family with his ex...is a big red flag. He will only increase his inconsiderate disrespect the longer you are married.  It is called triangulation, part of an abuse cycle...research and see if this applies.

Sure, he's a nice guy, they're all nice sometimes. Look at his behavior. Maybe he vows to change, but he has to grieve the loss of his first marriage...he doesn't seem to be at that point yet.

If you leave, he may try to charm you back. Keep remembering how you feel with his lack of boundaries with his ex. It hurts. You deserve a pain free life as much as possible! Life is short and PEACE is priceless!!!

I am divorcing right now after 5 month married. I didn't fathom the ex wife and his kids would be a problem and didn't get the reality dose til after I was married n moved in.

Don't be hard on yourself! You only knew so much when going into the marriage...if you knew before you married what you know now, you may have chosen not to marry him, I wouldn't have in my situation.

The fact that your dh sees nothing wrong with his ex sleeping over is bizarre...he has zero empathy for your feelings  or comfort level...it is not normal for a married man to invite ANY woman over to spend the night. He is at best inconsiderate and ignorant. He may not have empathy for you which makes him dangerous to be around. ( if this is the case, read Dangerous Personalities, these ppl are very charming til they capture you)

Your dh, though charming, is NOT respecting you. He is NOT over his ex at all which is dishonest and unfair to you.

You married a man who is still very involved with his ex which means, nice as he acts, he is using you for sex, maid, etc. It happens all the time. Husbands are supposed to forsake all others. He hasn't done that, and unless you accept polygamy, you will always take a back seat to his ex. He will use the excuse that he has to talk ti her n see her because of the child. I know, because my stbxdh shows signs that he still longs for his ex. I refuse to take a back seat to any woman, even his daughters...which is another ugly issue with my stbxdh. 

Let alone the child in your situation, how your dh disregards your feelings or even potential feelings by still playing family with his ex...is a big red flag. He will only increase his inconsiderate disrespect the longer you are married.  It is called triangulation, part of an abuse cycle...research and see if this applies.

Sure, he's a nice guy, they're all nice sometimes. Look at his behavior. Maybe he vows to change, but he has to grieve the loss of his first marriage...he doesn't seem to be at that point yet.

If you leave, he may try to charm you back. Keep remembering how you feel with his lack of boundaries with his ex. It hurts. You deserve a pain free life as much as possible! Life is short and PEACE is priceless!!!

Sorry if you didn't mean ex wife stays over! I may have interpreted that incorrectly! But your dh is making you feel uncomfortable with the constant interaction with his ex. The child should be made to focus on time with dad n you while she was with you...the child needs to not be connected with mom while at dads house, that steals time away from you n her n he hanging out. Ex wife doesn't need to be in the house, even on phone or Skype etc. Your dh isn't respecting you just as though ex herself WAS in your house...he is still inviting his ex in, via phone, for uncomfortable amounts of time. Triangulation,  disrespect for you or your feelings, etc. The child is maybe blamed for these feelings because she is the reason your dh is giving time and emotion (emotional cheating) to his ex. Its a dh problem I think. I could be wrong. Go with your gut.

I read that LOVE does not diminish PEACE. If you aren't peaceful in your own home, love is lacking somewhere

A quality husband does not do this kind of crap to his wife.  He does not prioritize his X and their child over his wife. Period.

The three of them are not a family and there is "family time".  That family failed and no longer exists.

That he is pining for that family clearly shows that you are not his priority and are little more than a convenience for meeting some need that he has while he allows his X and their failed breeding experiment to invade your life.

Correct your mistake.

Be good to you.