I made a mistake getting married to a man with a kid.
Sorry, this is a very long post.
Hi, I'm new here. I just got married 4 months ago. I love my husband very much and we get along great. Newly married and in lockdown felt more like an extended honeymoon than anything else.
The problem comes in with his daughter (age 4). He was previously married. It was an arranged marriage and he was quite young at the time. A lot of family pressure to stay together even when he expressed that he was very unhappy in the marriage. They had separated and he found out she was pregnant during the separation. They tried to reconcile because of the baby. Although they eventually divorced when she was 2.
The child was a mistake, (his words), but he is obligated to her and has a responsibility towards her which is only right.
I was living overseas when we first met, I had come home on vacation and we started chatting. Things just clicked with us. I am in my late 20s/early 30s and I've never had a connection with anyone like the kind I have with him. We just get each other.
I hardly had much interaction with his daughter previously. The few times that I did interact with her were ok enough. I really didn't think the situation through. We planned to live together in another country once we were married (his idea). I have never been married before and I don't have any kids of my own.
The mother has primary custody of the child but she visits once every week and stays over on alternate weekends. Due to lockdown I'm stuck in the country and it has been a nightmare whenever she comes over.
I think I'm a terrible person. I've taken an almost visceral dislike to her. I'm tense and uneasy whenever she comes over, I dread her visits and can't wait until she leaves. I try to be out of the house for as long as possible when she's around. I am not coping at all.
We discussed children and my role in her life before we got married. I want a kid but only after 3 years. I'm not ready to have a kid around the house right now. I wasn't supposed to have this much involvement. I think I was naive and didn't really grasp the magnitude of this responsibility.
She whines a lot and doesn't listen. She follows me around and is messy. She doesn't have a bedtime and wants to sleep in bed with us. She doesn't even have her own room to sleep in and sleeps on a mattress at the foot of our bed and yet she still wakes up throughout the night and cries for my husband to sleep next to her.
I feel like I'm suffocating. I hide out in the room as much as possible. I know she's just a child but I wasn't prepared to be living with her.
It's brought up all these thoughts of priorities and how I, and any child that we may have together will never be a top priority. He co-parents with his ex and this sometimes involves long ass conversations that annoy the hell out of me because they just seem unnecessarily prolonged. She also video calls to speak to the child half an hour after he picks her up and throughout the weekend so he has to sit there with his phone while they chat away having family time.
He tries to include me by telling her to hug me, cuddle next to me when we watch TV and kiss me on the cheek but I feel the forced closeness and intimacy that he tries makes it even worse. I actually cringe at the thought of it.
Most of the stories I've read on this site say that it just gets worse as they get older. I don't think I'm cut out for being a step mother.
I am probably being selfish but this wasn't the life I envisioned for myself. I don't want to take him away from his daughter. I love my husband but divorce seems to be the only option because I don't think I can do this.