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I’m new to this but here goes ‼️

CruellaDeKids's picture

So there's SD8 and SD4 I think I'm doing that right (step daughter and the age?) anyway I guess my issue is that I FEEL like even after having them with us over a year now ... they do things intentionally to be ill towards me for no specific reason. Their dad can't see it and makes me feel like a horrible person for even saying how I feel. Am I wrong ? Somebody please just be straight with me. Are kids at these ages aware of what they are doing or is he right and I'm just a complete trash parent ?!

Comments

SteppedOut's picture

This.

The kids know and your husband does too, he just doesn't want to admit something is "wrong" with his kids. Until (if ever) he does something to correct this crap, it will not only continue, but it will get WORSE. If you plan on having children of your own, it could get REALLY bad. 

You have to find a way to get him to admit iy is going on AND correct it or your marrige is doomed. 

CruellaDeKids's picture

We already do have one of our own. The youngest. His two girls 8&4 and our baby who is 1. The other two girls mother got the kids taken and we got custody exactly 1 month before our baby was born. It just seems like I'm always on the outside. Like there's no team with him and I and he is constantly over compensating with his other daughters out of guilt for their mother messing up .... but here does that leave me? I'm still just the step mom that can't do anything right when all I want is to be respected by HIM so his children will see that even though I'm not the bio mom ... I'm here to stay. Idk. This stuff sucks. 

SteppedOut's picture

You are not "stuck" because you have a child with this man. Do not let your child grow up watching you be treated like crap. You will be modeling what relationships look like... if you tolerate it, so will your child. 

CruellaDeKids's picture

Is it an ego thing or just one of those "can't see their child's faults" type issues ?

SteppedOut's picture

It can be an ego thing. It can also be a lazy thing... if he admits it, then he has to DO SOMETHING about it. Does he do most of the caring for HIS kids..  because YOU shouldn't have to. They are NOT YOUR responsibility. 

CruellaDeKids's picture

I swear I knew in my gut that I wasn't stupid but it's like I make comments like "she knows what she's doing" or "they do that all the time" once he half heartedly brings up something that was too obvious not to comment on and as soon as I do that it's like I get chastised for addressing it whatsoever. I just knew this website would be my saving grace the minute I saw your comments. Thank you please don't stop because right now I feel you guys are my sanity. 

Maxwell09's picture

Four is the age they try manipulation. It's not just a step kid thing, it's all kids who try it. It's just easier and usually works better for kids who have split homes because they can play bitter parents off of each other. Also don't expect your SO to see it. He won't. Many rarely do. We call it "rose tinted glasses" where they only ever see the good in their children instead of the truth. If you point it out to him he will turn on you and claim you hate his kids. Don't bother. Just remove yourself from any possibilities of being manipulated. They can't play you if you refuse to play period. 

MomMamaMomMom's picture

Ugh. Being a better Mom than bio Mom is a tough spot to be in because it's a no win situation for you. The oldest is definitely going to have resentment, better luck with the youngest. If I were going to give the younger me advice (12years of this for me) I would say focus on creating the life and home you want for your bio child. Stay firm on that. Don't get caught up in trying to fix the situation the SD's bio parents made. If you try to please everyone you're gonna be exhausted & no one will thank you anyway.