The Light at the End of the Tunnel: Mini-wife Fate
I'm the veteran BM & SM of 5 reliving my steplife as I read the posts. Many of you have mini-wives, i have one, too. Only difference is mine is 58 years old. This is a cautionary tale about how that dynamic can end up.
DH & SD were always close. She was his first, looked like him & is his only daughter. They bonded more closely when BM left.
SD was always indulged more than the other kids, her own horse & new sports car at 16, for example. But it went further than objects. She lied, manipulated & got the other children in trouble. He'd yell & threaten but never follow thru with any consequences.
In her teens, she moved back & forth between BM & us. Now that I'm on Steptalk, i realize that this was just another instance of no consequences. She never had to come to terms with a parent's boundaries, she'd just move. We were mistakenly in rescue mode, "Poor SD". She moved in here 3 or 4 times, each time bringing chaos, disruption & trouble. Of course, she resented me & did whatever she could to cause trouble between DH & me, often successfully. She was sly, cunning & stteet-smart. Part of me hated her, part of me pitied her. In good moments, I'd think, "She's our survivor daughter".
We sent her to cosmetology school & she got her license. She married twice & had 3 kids. Both husbands divorced her for infidelity. She's always in "grass is greener" mode, looking for a man with more money. I think she keeps looking for a new "Dad", a man who will indulge her & expect nothing in return.
After her second divorce, things went downhill. She was barely working, using drugs & acting like a zombie. She was down to 100 lb. We had an intervention - didn't help.
As she moved from apartment to apartment, we ended up paying more: car payments, utilities, insurance, etc. We weren't the only ones, she " borrowed" from siblings, her own kids & friends, too, using guilt trips, pity parties, whatever worked.
The situation became more dire. She has some physical issues & was able to get disability. I went to one doctor appointment & testified that her comprehension, judgment & memory were severely impaired ( imo from drugs). Our survivor daughter was gone.
She was homeless & ended up.moving back here, a nightmare of drug use, lying, theft & "night creeping". DH could see it, we were living it, but he couldnt/wouldnt stop it. We finally decided on a plan to subsidize her living elsewhere. I told him if he ever let her move in again, id l eave him. We separated our finances. I told him what id pay & not a penny more. This agreement has been a godsend.
So now, SD is 58. She has poor physical & mental health, no job, no money. She has no teeth (dentures) & her looks are gone. She has used every human she ever came in contact with so has no friends or family who will take her calls but DH. My 82-year old DH worries, what will happen to SD? He has stage 4 prostate cancer, he should worry.
He's a responsible & generous man. BM had good intentions. But BM taught SD to exploit him & he taught SD to respect no one but him.
Do I think SD is evil? No, inside, i think she's still the waif- like child I met long ago. She seems confused by the turn her life has taken. She just does not get it that her actions have long- lasting consequences.
If you have a mini-wife wife, i feel sorry for you. If you are counting the days until she ages out, think about it. The mini-wife dynamic is bad for everybody but especially the girls.