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Ex wife still is close to boyfreinds sister & family

ladybug1974's picture

HI do you think its normal that the ex of my boyfreind ( not devoriced yet ) is very close to boyfreinds sister . The sister doesnt see my BF there not close right now. They have BBQS, xmas and bring in the New Year together. She also gives his parents and grandparents presents for xmas ect. They get together with there kids and spend ALOT of time togther. BF sister even helped his ex move to her current boyfreinds house, not once did they offer help move him in to my place and we really could have used the help. 

We have granfathers party coming up this weekend and his ex was also invited to by his mum and grandfather but she did not exept the invite for whatever reason.  When i left my marriage i also left behind the family that i had for the past 20 years , we just were not close after my split unless it had to do with my son . 

When my BF asked why she was invited to the party the answer was " we just want to keep it fair for everyone " that made no sense to me. Fair ? she kicked him out 2 years ago, had him arrested ( charges were dropped ) he had to live in different place, couldnt see his kids for 3 months, had nothing but a backback . She ruing his life for while and his family is still close with her ? it really makes no sense to me . I just want to say he is not bad guy, they would fight quite often and that night it got heated and she called the police.

I just dont know how his sister and family could still be close to someone that did that to there son or brother ? I just find it strange. 



ladybug1974's picture

He said that he cant control what other people do , he cant help that there friends, and he cant help that his family does what they do 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Maybe my parents and I have a different kind of relationship.

I'd tell them to cut the crap or I wouldn't visit anymore.

Usually, they'd cut the crap.

Mominit's picture

Actually they CAN come to an agreement on a different amount of CS than the tables.  When my ex and I divorced I put in the agreement that I waived support because I made more than he did and wanted him to use his money to ensure that they had a nice place to go when they visited . The judge denied it.  No way.  A child's right to support cannot be bargained away.  So I re-wrote it that he would pay $250 a month (it was half of the daycare bill at the time), AND that that amount would be reviewable in case of unexpected hardship (if I lost my job).  The judge signed off. 

As long as you don't try to write it down to 0, and you can show that thought went into it, and that there is a clause in it that keeps the kids from being destitue, the judge may rubber stamp it.

Word of advice though....get that signed sooner rather than later.  For the first few years my ex and I were super cool.  Then they stopped going to daycare and I asked him to keep paying $250 rather than the table amount ($750 at the time).  He said no, he was going to pay zero.  So I went all BM on his butt and took him to court and won table amount.  If he had just kept paying the $250 I probably wouldn't have had a leg to stand on.  And once time passes, even the most amicable divorce can get messy.  Or when new spouse enter the picture, money talk can be influenced.  I'd advise nailing it down sooner...

I still don't regret the bargain we had for at the beginning and wouldn't have changed it if he hadn't gotten stupid.  I had the income, he didn't.  Our kids weren't lacking anything in my care.  And leaving the income with him meant he didn't live in a dive (which my children would stay at regularly).  Sometimes the best interest of the kids means NOT blindly following federal tables.

And just as a Canadian view....$54,000 in BC is not the money it sounds like, so don't judge it by US standards.  $54K in BC is actually $41K take home after federal and provincial taxes.  Then there's a 7% tax on everything you buy (further provincial tax).  $6.24/gallon for gasoline. The cost of living there is insane.  But, he can't move or he's away from his kids.  And trying to pay rent and buy a loaf of bread on $54K in thank you!

lieutenant_dad's picture

I lose about 30-35% of my gross income each pay to taxes and benefits, so if I made $54,000, I'd take home about $38,000 on the high end. Health insurance is killer here. I pay $280/mo for the boys and myself (which is insanely cheap for traditional coverage), and DH pays another $200+ just for himself for a high deductible plan. We also have a 7% sales tax, though gas isn't nearly as expensive. But I also live in the middle of nowhere in the US, so cost of living is much lower.

Even with lower COL here, $850 would make it hard to live on my own. Not impossible, but it would be living in a not good part of town or out in the country. I'd be pinching pennies for sure. Not sure how others would do it on their own living some place more expensive.

ladybug1974's picture

it is very expensive to live here, i mean its crazy out there everywhere. i just got paid today, paid bills. need food, gas, ect .. i really dont know how i would do it if i had to pay 835.00 a month i really really dont .

ldvilen's picture

All of this is yet another example of why you should never get involved with someone until after the divorce is done, completed and signed.  It is messy enough getting involved with someone with children who is already divorced, but, doing it pre-, then you get to add a couple more piles of baggage to all of that.  And, it has nothing to do with who is having sex with whom.  It has to do with the incredible amount of loose ends that are still around that no one has any idea of how they are going to be wrapped up or tied up.  The OP and her BF can't even being to imagine what their income will be, after the fact.  Is BM going to insist on formal child support (and she is nuts if she doesn't) or is she going to "keep her word" and not ask.  Well. . . I think we all know the answer to that one.  

One poster the other day spoke about she went through all of this with her BF for years, several years, sucking it up and taking it, then, finally to have everything done, and then finally to realize that it still wasn't worth it--that the sucking it up and taking it never ends, even after the divorce.  If you really love this guy, the best thing you could do is tell him to work it all out, on his own, and you'll be there for him when he is done and completed and divorce is signed.  Jumping into the fire with him on this is just going to build the resentment early, before you even get the chance to be "real" BF/ GF.  You may think you really love him and can take all of this on, but the higher the load of baggage, the more likely it is to come down with a crash.  A big one.

P.S.  I'd also imagine his family is saying they are still in contact with his wife because: a) She is still his wife, and b) They are suspecting at the end of the day he may still go back to her.  It certainly wouldn't be the first time a man has left his GF for his wife, and it doesn't matter how "unfair" anyone thinks she may have been.

ladybug1974's picture

she lives and is very very happy with her boyfreind. they got a house togther, she has the 2 kids and he has 2 kids, they are very very happy. 

ladybug1974's picture

i really dont think they think they will get back togther,, they were done for years before it ended for sure. they just were very close with her and i think just have a hrda time letting go of her for some reason