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Taking kids somewhere i dont think we should

ladybug1974's picture

HI , so its my boyfreinds grandfathers bday, we were invited to go ( me and my boyfreind ) it happens to be a kid weekend ( next weekend ).  We normally drop them off on Sunday at 1200 ( noon ) and i was thinking we should drop them at 1100 instead and head there alone. Its a 90th Bday party at a fancy golf course. I just dont think its really where kids should be running around.  They dont care about going to a 90 year old bday party anyways . They are 14 and 7.  If my boyfriend wants to take his kids to see there great father he can go anytime. I just dont think its the place for kids to be running around. I have not met 80 percent of the people there and it would be nice to to hang out with my boyfriend with other adults and talk and mingle instead of being preoccupied with board kids.  Should we take them or drop them off first ? 

Cover1W's picture

Here's what I would do, and have done, in these situations.

1) tell SO that I don't think the skids should go due to behavior issues, whining, grown up party - boredom, etc.  Thus ensues the "but they aren't THAT bad" response.  So you take them.  You have no say in this in the end, right?

2) You do NOTHING for them at that party.  NOTHING.  DH deals with them. You stay on the other side of the room or as far away as you can.  You interact with other people to keep preoccupied and show your social skills.

3) DH will not want to stay long.  Say your goodbye's appropriately.  Do not argue with him.

People will see and understand.

ladybug1974's picture

The party is from 12-4 ,, my boyfreind wants to take them, as hes used to to taking them every where. I would leave my son out of some adult things as it waas not really the right place for a young one. My boyfreinds grand dad didn not invite any children to his party , but his sister is dragging them along so my boyfreind wants to drag his along. the grandpa will be busy with the 100 people there he wont be hanging around the kids . 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Parents who do this tick me off to no end! Foisting your kids on everyone at a kid free event is just appallingly rude. If you can't find a sitter, stay home. Don't be so entitled as to assume that it's okay for YOUR kids to be there. And your SO going along with this is also rude, especially since he does have another option.

ndc's picture

I would let your boyfriend decide.  His grandfather, his kids, his problem if they misbehave.  YOU should not be preoccupied with them; if your boyfriend chooses to take his kids, he can deal with them.  Plus if you convince him not to take them and you go and there are other kids there, he'll blame you for depriving his kids of all that fun.

ladybug1974's picture

Thats what im worried about too,, for sure he would say.. see they would have fun. fml . Mabye ill just sit this one out stay home and crack some wine and take a bubble bath. 


notarelative's picture

I'm old fashioned and believe only the invited should attend. But, that's not the way BF and sister operate obviously.

Was there an RSVP for this party? How many did BF indicate were attending on the reply? If there was an RSVP and he only said two there many not be seats for his kids. 

I'd be tempted to contract a sudden illness that morning and send BF and kids in their merry way and ask them to convey my sincere regrets to great grandpa.

BF needs to tell BM about the later drop off before he finalized his plan. 

CLove's picture

LEt Boyfriend do his own thing with bored kiddos. Then you can say "well I told you so!"

When SD13 wants to go to places that I dont think she should, I just say - "hey, I dont think youll really enjoy yourself, and we arent going to leave quickly..."

Thisisnotus's picture

I would think most 90 year olds would want all of their grandchildren at their party?

i am rarely team step kid but it seems like they should go to the party as it is their family.

Now if the party was for YOUR grandfather and your BF wanted to bring his kids....oh hell to the mother effing no.

Survivingstephell's picture

Isn't going some place boring a part of growing up??? How many of us were forced to go to a boring event with our family??? 

Actually, if you are aware, this will be a good place to see family dynamics in play.  You can learn a lot just by watching how the family interacts with each other.  Use this a fact finding mission to see if this relationship is worth it.  You obviously have opinions on the skids.  Not sure what they are but something is brewing inside you about the skids.  

tog redux's picture

If BF wants to take them, they should go. It's his family party.  Drive separately as the others said, so you can make a quick escape if needed. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

This. OP, this is not your family or your party. Let your BF handle his family affairs. The only control you have is over yourself.

bananaseedo's picture

In nuclear families the kids would get included always in events like this.  Sometimes kids have to go to boring adult parties, it's how they learn to behave and valuable social skills and family interactions.  It's his father, and his kids.  I don't think it's your place to suggest what he should do.  Go in a seperate car though is good advice.


tog redux's picture

Yeah, I don't get it - this is the kids' family.  OP is not married, so it's not her family.  I don't see how this is more an opportunity for her to be with BF by herself than it is for the kids to see THEIR family members. 

And it is possible to take kids to a boring family party and not let them run amok. It's called discipline.

Disneyfan's picture

The man is their grandfather. There's nothing rude about including the grandkids in his celebration.   It's actually ludicrous to think that the kids shouldn't attend. 

I guarantee you if the man had to pick between his grandkids and his son's girlfriend being there, he would pick the grandkids.  The grandkids represented his legacy.

My parents would be outraged if my sister or I I excluded our kids from one of their celebrations.  Heaven forbid if that decision was made based on the suggestion of a boyfriend.


sunshinex's picture


It's not his custody time and you, his wife, has expressed that you'd prefer to go alone with him to enjoy some adult-only time... What is the problem? Is he really that dense that he'd rather change the court-ordered schedule to bring kids to... a 90 year old's birthday??? 

I'm sorry but this would be a major problem for me. 

If I express that I'd rather have that time alone with my husband and it's possible to get rid of the kids, he listens. There's never any questions asked. Even on valentines day, I told him I'd rather go for lunch than dinner because at least that way, his 8 year old daughter is at school and we only have our 2 year old son. He agreed because it's easy to sit him down with some food and he plays but an 8 year old girl just totally intrudes on every conversation. I mean, either way, it'd be best kid-free but at least the 2 year old entertains himself so it feels more like a date lol 

ESMOD's picture

I have to disagree.

1.  This "adult only time" is a birthday celebration for his grandfather and his kids' great grandfather.  It isn't some posh party given by their friends.. it isn't a weekend getaway at the shore.. it's a family event.... a 90th birthday of a family patriarch.

2.  These kids are actually relatives of the guest of honor.. directly.  Whether their father has made ample attempts to have them spend time with his grandfather or not.. he is still their relative and he might still enjoy seeing these kids at his party (where he may not notice or care if their behavior is less than stellar).

3.  This is exactly the kind of event that I would expect an ex to try to make an exception for.  It's not likely these kids will have years of time to spend with this man... at his age.. every year could be his last.

4.  This party is not being hosted by OP... it is her BF's family event.  In fact, there will be other children there at the party and it is being held in the afternoon.. so nothing about that screams "exclude the kids".

So.. sure.. she can not go to what might be considered an "important family event" of her BF.  If she goes, she should not be responsible for wrangling the kids... and infact, her BF may find he doesn't stay for the full duration due to the kids becoming bored.  

I just find it odd that she thinks she should make the decision to exclude his kids from an event that is a party put on by his family.  HER relatives? of course.. she doesn't have to bring them to her mom's for thanksgiving dinner.. but this is not her party.. and the only people that should be making rules about who can attend are the hosts.

But.. if SHE doesn't want to go.. her choice.  

Again.. this isn't a "request for alone time" this is much different.

tog redux's picture

But the OP is not married - so she is wanting the kids to NOT go to THEIR family event, so she can go alone with her BF.  The invite status is unclear - in my family, kids would be included in an invite to the adults, and if not, that would be specified.

If she doesn't want to deal with the kids, then she can stay home.  But asking him to leave his kids home for their family event, seems backwards.

justmakingthebest's picture

I think the kids should go personally. I know my kids would give anything to see my grandma again. 90 is a big deal. If the kids don't act right, your BF could try this crazy things called PARENTING. Just my opinion though... 

tog redux's picture

Right? I can't imagine telling DH to not bring SS to see his own great-grandfather because I wanted that time with him and his family.  That is, if SS were interested, since he hasn't bothered to see DH's family for over 5 years; and if we did try to bring him, BM interfered as much as she could.  If these people have a low-conflict BM who supports the kids having a relationship with BF's family, they should be happy about that. 

Harry's picture

He would rather spend time with his kids then you alone 

tog redux's picture

What?! It's his kids' great-grandparent's party. If he wanted to bring them on their honeymoon, I'd agree, but wanting to bring them to their own family's party is NOT about OP in the slightest.

Disneyfan's picture

This should be a reg flag for the guy.  The fact that she wants exclude the kids from a major event involving one of THEIR family members is very telling.  It screams control.

HowLongIsForever's picture

We hosted a milestone birthday party, a surprise at that, on a non skid weekend.  We were celebrating a family member on SOs side who is actually pretty close to skids, too.

Over 100 people, off site parking/transportation, full on food and desserts, live band.  At our home.  Without hired help.  While not necessarily fancy, it was an event and we had to be focused and available.

SO hemmed and hawed over whether or not he should inform BM and allow skids to show.  I'm pretty sure the look on my face betrayed the words coming out of my mouth because I never actually said oh hell no but let's be real, that is the sanitized version of my thoughts.

If skids could behave themselves, entertain themselves, and I could trust them to not be underfoot, acting up and just generally making it impossible to prep and clean up but actually host we would've had it on a skid weekend.  Truth is, it wasn't necessarily inappropriate for kids, just inappropriate for these specific kids.

If you wouldn't want to deal with them as the host, don't force your host to deal with them either. 

If they are capable of being decent guests and they are welcome, then by all means include them as the situation allows.

If you're not sure about that last part, what sounds like a large affair with a pretty decent emotional and financial cost to the host is not the place to test their mettle.  Their parents should be building them up to that type of exposure at those types of events, not just winging it and white knuckling it to satiate their own feels.

If you guys are miles apart on your views of the situation all you can do is respectfully (and unemotionally) state your case and let go.  They are not your responsibility but that of their father's.

ESMOD's picture

I would say it's a miles apart difference comparing being the hosts of a big event in your own home vs being a guest at an event hosted in a 3rd party location by someone else(assuming it's relatives).

The host can't grab their kids and go home.   The host has ongoing responsibilities during the event.. a guest not so much.  

I think a quick call from dad to the people hosting to find out if kids are welcome would be an appropriate clarification here.



tog redux's picture

Yes, I agree - someone needs to ask Great-Granddad if he wants kids at the event or not.  But in the end, it's BF's decision and it's really not about OP at all.

HowLongIsForever's picture

Is it really that different though? Aside from the amount of time the kids would have to be "on" I don't see a whole lot of difference.  I mean, I'd hold them to a higher standard if we were the guests instead of hosts, truthfully.

They would still need to behave themselves.  Stay out of the way of hosting duties, not inappropriately loud or rambunctious, no whining, no tugging and interrupting adult conversation for attention, being polite, courteous to and considerate of others in attendance, respecting their surroundings, be helpful where they could, clean up after themselves where appropriate, decent manners, not otherwise act like animals.

Whether it's a casual family gathering or large event in our home or we are invited to similar elsewhere, the expectation for their behavior is the same.  They haven't mastered the casual yet, though and they don't get to move up to the "bigger" events until they do.  When the time comes, exposure to those will be graduated.  Their father and I are on the same page with these views.

I don't know, maybe I'm a huge bish.  I mean, obviously I am but I don't think that's because of my opinions on mixing kids and events.  There is a chance I'm also delusional, though.   *biggrin*

I do agree with you on the clarification conversation, though.  If a guest is unsure or has questions re: an event they should be seeking clarification from the host, not just making up the rules to suit them as they go along.

Edited to fix my face   

ESMOD's picture

Of course the kids should be behaving either way.... but depending upon the size and complexity of the event you are hosting.. the host may not have as much bandwidth to oversee the event.. and keep up with where their kids are and what they are up to.

A host also can't "leave with the kids" either really.. like a guest who can remove an unruly child.

If I were a host and had to have small children with me.. I would try to actually earmark someone to help me watch the kids (depending on the age of course).

With kids the age of those involved here?  I would expect the 14 yo to be reasonably ok.. even if they were just sitting in a corner playing with their phone when they got bored.. I would even consider them "old enough" to be watching out/over the younger kid (s) in attendance.

I might also plan my attendance, if I had kids, to match their likely attention span.. Oh.. we can just pop in for a quick bit... say happy birthday.. eat some cake and then scram.... i don't know that the kids would need to be there 4 hours!

HowLongIsForever's picture

Oh I agree.  That's why I said if you wouldn't host them don't make someone else do it but if they are capable of being decent guests and are invited include them as the situation allows.  In theory, 14 is plenty old enough to know and actively practice being a gracious guest.  7 may not be.

But to me, a kid being a monster at my home in front of 2 people or 100 people - whether that's because they're tired, bored, don't give two ships or they're just plain jerks - is easier dealt with than a kid being a monster at someone else's event.  

The guest of honor doesn't make a difference to me, it comes down to the host.  If they're one in the same so be it but the host is the one who sets the tone and the rules. 

Blanket approval because "family" isn't enough for me.  Nor is the assumption of age.  I never set kid up for failure, I won't do it to skids either.  If they aren't ready for such an event, no matter how much I (or whoever else) may wish they were, sorry but it is what it is - they don't get to participate.

We were left out of a lot of gatherings, family or otherwise, when we were kids.  Not just because of fancy locations and expensive furnishings but because we were selfish little butthead kids and that didn't mesh with the experience the adults wanted to have.

If this whole situation is truly just a matter of technically they're supposed to be back at BMs by then, the whole etiquette discussion is moot.  What I get out of it, based on OPs posts, the technicality is a convenient scapegoat for bigger issues at play.  


ESMOD's picture

Even the best behaved children/teens have their moments.. as do

And.. sometimes behavior is a bit in the eye of the beholder.... family and great grandpa may not see the kid's behavior to be as grating as a stepparent might.. so while OP might cringe at extra time with the kids.. the children's relatives may not have that same view....

And.. as a guest.. you can remove a child that has had a meltdown of sorts.. or behavior issue.  not possible as the host.  In fact.. with younger kids.. you might expect a parent to actively spend time with the child to ensure ongoing proper behavior.. reminders etc... not as possible when you are the host.

If OP forsees this as a complete S Show.. she can bow out and stay home.. or go and be detached from the drama.. let her BF manhandle his own kids.

It may be moot and BM may not allow it at all.. but unless there has been some "no child" directive.. I don't see the problem with kids going to a family event... and I would also expect their parent to supervise them and remove them if their actions warrant it.

HowLongIsForever's picture

and I would also expect their parent to supervise them and remove them if their actions warrant it

Man so many issues in this world could be resolved if people would just rise to the occasion.  Ha! But I digress...

I didn't go back and read it all but OPs other post is along the lines of I don't like my skids. 

So there's possibly a bit of selfish bias in her argument to exclude.  If that's her only rationale when it comes down to it, then man that's some ish and should probably be put in check.  (and I agree with Disney up thread that it should be a red flag for dad).

I'm still sticking to voice your opinion and let go, though, OP.  You can't control anyone but you.



SCDad01's picture

I always check to see if other kids will be at family function I take my kids to.  If so, they usually go with me.  I don't give them a choice.  No kids, they stay home.   

notarelative's picture

My opinion: The key is were the kids invited or not. If they were invited, it's fine for BF to ask BM for the time to take them. And he should as a this is a significant family event.

But if they were not invited, they should go back to BM. That the sister is bringing their kids is irrelevant. That one person is bringing uninvited kids does not mean it is ok to bring your uninvited kids.

ladybug1974's picture

Hi thank you everyone for all the very great comments , it is very helpful ) I’m by no means controlling or a nag , this is all new to me . I would never make him take the kids home just to be mean . It is indeed his decision after all , it’s his family and his kids whether I like it or not . There has been no fighting , yelling , and name calling I was simply just asking for some help to figure out if indeed we should take them . I’m almost 100 percent he will take them , no matter what . Now the only thing I can do is go, look good , put a smile on my face and let him take full care of them and I will just enjoy . 

Ispofacto's picture

If BM lives close enough to the event, maybe he can bring them for the first half, then schlep them to BM, and come back for the rest.


DPW's picture

Team skid, all the way. It's their family, c'mon. It's also their 90 year old great grandfather who probably doesn't have much time to live and this is a pretty big celebration of his long lived life. Why wouldn't the skids be there? Dad should have a firm conversation on expected behaviour and if they misbehave, then there are predetermined consequences dished out. And take a separate car. 

Rags's picture

It depends on the kids and on the venue and event.  We used to accompany our parents to Embassy events when we were kids.  But.... we were raised with behavioral standards and our parents taught us to interface politely and respectfully with all types of people in a diverse range of situations and environments. Including which fork to use at multicourse diplomatic dinners.  Even with all of that, there were events that we did not go to.  Parents are the ones who decide what events are appropriate for their children.... if the sender of the invitation has not stipulated otherwise. Then..... there is no question.

If you do not trust your Skids to keep their behavior between the lines of reasonableness at a Country Club event for their GGF's 90th B-day make sure DH is absolutely clear that if they cut up he will be the one to sit with them in the car until you are ready to leave. Whether it is DH's grandfather or not.