You are here

Stepdaughter playing the Victim

Gracefulsilver's picture

I am currently engaged to a man that I love very deeply the problem is he has a 15 year old daughter that is a nightmare.  My 2 children ages 15 and 18 cannot stand the drama and lies from his daughter also.  When I was in the hospital just 3 months ago I almost died.  Hei daughter refused to let him come visit me in the hospital because she felt him being home with her was more important.  His daughter constantly calls her mother crying that her father is neglecting her even when he is gone for 5 minutes.  She refuses to participate in anything she is not the center of attenion in, including other peoples birthdays.  She refuses to leave the house other than for school and then calls her mother crying when we go someplace with out her(she is asked to go with us every time).  She lies and accused my daughter twice of physically assaulting her and practicing satanism in my home.  She lies and accuses my son of bullying her when she starts not my son ( I watched this happen in person at a school event).  She is a drama queen and has very few people in her life.  Her father grounded her from her mobile phone and her mother gave her a new phone.  She never takes responsibility for her own actions, everything is someone elses fault and she cannot help it.  She is disgustingly foul in her hygine( she steals and wears her fathers and stepfathers underwear, shaves her legs at the kithchen tabke using a soup bowl.  She refuses to allow her father or me to even speak to each other without being present and trying to redirect her fathers attention to herself.  She follows us and moves physically inbetween us at every possible chance.  She threw a tempertantrun when her father put a lock on his bedroon door saying "it was unfair to her" (She opened the door and walked in several times without knocking in the middle of the night while we were occupied intimately).  She tried to force the locked door open in the middle of the night.. She rlies constantly.  I have repeatedly attempted to befriend her but instead she has refused to socialize unless I follow her rule and play her games.  She refuses to come over my house because she is not the center of attention.She constantly lies and does things for attention even getting in trouble with the law.  She pouts everytime I point out one of her many lies.  She pouts if I am talking to someone and I do not allow her to jump in the conversation over petty attempts to be the center of attention.  She cries over being left home alone even for an hour while we go food shopping (which she refuses to come along) and calls anyone she can get to answer the phone crying.  She threatens her father and cries that she is the victim when anything does not involve her being the venter of attention.  This is causing problems with my fiance because my children and I refuse to play these games and now she is accusing us of victimizing her.  Our methods are telling her she is lying when we know what she says is a lie and ignoring her when she tries to start drama.  I told my fiance if he wants me to play her petty games I will not stay with him.  Her mother contradicts anything her father says no matter what.  I cannot and will not play this childs game.  My fiancce says he does not want to lose me over her lies and drama.  I told him then he will have to accept me detaching and not playing these games.  I am so conflicted if we can make it or what to do because of his daughter and her attempts to get rid of me and my children.

SteppedOut's picture

I hope you do not live with your boyfriend. That would be 100% unfair to your children to have to live like that - even part of the time. If you do not yet, do not move in with him until his daughter is launched.

Gracefulsilver's picture

No, I do not live with him and his daughter and I did firmly state I will not live under the same roof as that child.

Winterglow's picture

Then the chances are that you might never live together given the mini-wife extraordinaire that he has. 

Good for you for sticking to your guns!

SteppedOut's picture

ok, so now that you are not forcing this chaos on your children...why on earth are you putting up with a bad partner. HE is allowing his child to do all of this stuff - wtf she wouldn't let him visit you in the hospital? Uh, change that to he didn't visit you in the hospital. He used her as an excuse.

hereiam's picture

Hei daughter refused to let him come visit me in the hospital

I had a hard time reading anything after this ^^^^^. Surely, he did not let his daughter keep him from visiting you in the hospital? If so, I am not sure that this is a man I would want to be with.

tog redux's picture

Was going to say the same thing. She “refused to let him”? You mean he’s afraid of her. I think you are blaming the wrong person here, OP. 

Gracefulsilver's picture

I did not blame her for the lack of time with him while I was in the hospital.  I blamed him for listening to her at all.  I told him to grow a pair and be a man/father.  We got into a huge disagreement over that and are still recoving from it.  He did manage to visit me once for about 1 hour, he does not drive or own a vehicle and the hospital is over 30 min drive from his home. I did tell him he needs to stop being afraid of her and explained why I felt he was being manipulated.  He took a bit but he understood what games she was playing (he is a bit slow mentally but a fully functioning independant, working adult) but he now recognizes it.

I am currently in doubt about our relationship and have been re-evaluating it considerably.

Siemprematahari's picture

His daughter refused to let him come visit me in the hospital because she felt him being home with her was more important.

How can you respect a man that allows his daughter to dictate who he can and cannot go see and do?  How is the statement above even a conversation is beyond me. What does he do when she pulls this sh!t? At 15 she barges into your room and physically gets in between you both? I can't fathom how he hasn't addressed this.

For you and your children's sake I hope you don't live with him and if you do really reconsider your children in all this. They shouldn't be subjected to this dysfunction. This is teaching them that it's normal behavior and it's not.

Gracefulsilver's picture

I forgot to mention that she used to live with her mother and only came to live with her dad in june.  This is because of all the problems she was causing in her former hig school which resulted in her getting into physical fights on a daily basis

ndc's picture

I can't imagine a man (and from your description, this man in particular) being worth all this drama.  His daughter sounds like a nutcase and extreme mini-wife.  I doubt this will end when she's 18.

Gracefulsilver's picture

I don't doubt he will have to kick her out of the house eventually.  I do see big differences in him lately with putting his foot down with her.  I told him I don't believe that she will ever move out by her own will.  He is to the point he dreads even going home when she is there.  She will not even let him shower or use the toilet without banging on the bathroom door complaining that he locked her out of the bathroom.  She is unbelieveable

shamds's picture

Like naked?? See him poop and per too? How has this idiot of a man not sorted this invasion of privacy and boundaries one bit?

heck i lost it with hubby when sd22.5 was screaming daddeeeee non stop while banging our bedroom door like a banshee at hubby childhood home at 7am while our toddlers were sleeping for a bag of friggin sugar. Me and hubby were having sex (he was inside of me), he stopped and got dressed to get daughter her bag of sugar. 

I laid there like wtf is going on, that moment killed my mood for sex for a while and i refuse to attend any visits with sd’s because they are miniwives

Gracefulsilver's picture

She wants to be there when he showers, uses the bathroom, she admits and has been caught sitting and watching him sleep.  He has set hard boundaries now but she has now resorted to threatening him with utside resasources.  I personally have told him to let her because whoever she calls will only agree she is an out of control nut case.  I also personally believe she needs in-patient psychiatric help.  She was on meds for this but her mother told her she isn't allowed to take them.  WTF she lives with her dad not her mom, what right does she have to control her everyday life.  Her mother is a diagnosed mentally ill and mentally disabled recipient of government aid.  BM has told SD that she cannot do anything with her life except graduate from high school and then stay inside the house together.  BM and her husband do not work and live on welfare and food stamps.  BM also is constantly trying to get SD to take money from her father and give it to BM and her husband(I'm talking hundereds of dollars at a time)  My fiance is at is limit. He dreads going home when SD is there. He doesn't even want her in his home.  I personally have told him I refuse to interract with his daughter except on the most basic civil level without engaging in any social interaction.  I have told him either get control of your daughter or I walk.  I gave him a dead line too till when I expect this to btop from either sending her banck to her mother or getting her straightened out.  With all of BM interference I do believe he is goin to wind up kicking her out within the next year.  He did the same with his son when his son turned 18(ss is now 23)

Gracefulsilver's picture

I don't doubt he will have to kick her out of the house eventually.  I do see big differences in him lately with putting his foot down with her.  I told him I don't believe that she will ever move out by her own will.  He is to the point he dreads even going home when she is there.  She will not even let him shower or use the toilet without banging on the bathroom door complaining that he locked her out of the bathroom.  She is unbelieveable

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Is she in a new school and getting counselling? She sounds a bit “obsessive”. She would possibly have difficulties with all relationships until this is addressed. 

Gracefulsilver's picture

Yes, he is taking her to counseling and she is going even if she doesn't want to.

Harry's picture

How do you respect this man.  First for not seeing you.  And second giving you that excuse?  This is not the man for you.   He must have other problems too.  That you just do not see.   What are you going to do, Thak SD on your honeymoon?  She and BF will share the bed ?  Because she wants it that way.  ?

Gracefulsilver's picture

I'm trying to figure out what I am going to do,  For the mean time I just really am confused but refuse to be involved in the social aspect of his daughters life.  We are planning a long weekend get away this feb.  He is not allowing her to accompamy us and my kids are staying home too.  I guess I want to see what happens then.  I see him standing up as a man and correcting her but it seems so difficult when her mother does the exact opposite everytime.  Also her mother and her husband do not work and live off welfare.  His daughter r as to tell her dad he needed to quit his job because she needs him at home with her instead.  We have both had it abd are at our limit.

SteppedOut's picture

She tells him to quit his job?

Seriously, this girl has some major mental problems. Are you sure you want to deal with this kind of chaos forever, because it will be forever... 

Gracefulsilver's picture

He told her she was nuts and doesn't even begin to understand what life is about.  He also told her to grow up because he is going to work because he is going to have a good life.  He refuses to do what BM and her husband do(live off the government and scrape money together just to buy food).  I swear this child is out of control with the dramatics and the fake tears and playing the helpless victime all the time, not to mention the lies, manipulation, and her sexual promiscuity with severl different boys within one month.  I disengaged so now the SD is stalking me and watching my front door and parking spot everytime she can get away from her dad.  This is all a mess

ndc's picture

She's stalking you every time she can get away from her dad? I thought she clung to her dad and didn't let him shower or pee in peace? Now she's trying to get away from him to stalk you? 

Good lord, break up with this guy and remove yourself from the drama.

Gracefulsilver's picture

Yes, i guess I shouldn't say when she can get away from her dad.  But rather when her dad is unavailable to her to cling to (at work, running errands, etc)

shamds's picture

She gets a thrill and pushes it further. 

He needs to say no and tell her she needs to not cling to him like she does, that he needs to run errands and she needs to stay home a bit. 

When she chucks that hissy fit drama he ignores it

the shit thing though is she is calling up her mum or whoever saying she’s been abandoned.

this girl has no structure or discipline and daddy hasn’t sat her down and said these are the rules and thats that!!

Gracefulsilver's picture

Unfortunately he has established hard rules, but the BM counters everything regardless of what it is.  The cops have not been at my SO house at all since she moved in.  The cops were at the BM house at least once a week about the SD.  The Bm has even gone as far as begging for other family member to buy items for the SD that her father does not want her having(including provocativew clothing).  Oh and the SD loves it.  My SO just told her "Go ahead and leave.  See if anyone else loves you the way I do"  BM will omly allow SD to move back in if she gets $700.00 a month from SD to live there.

Gracefulsilver's picture

ALso everytime she calls BM crying over him not being in the house with her BM starts a barage of phone calls.  First it was to myself and my SO.  Now it is to anyone she knows speaks to my SO.  She has been blocked by myself, my SO, and at least 4 other people because of her harrasment of us through them.  We were even close to pressing charges on BM.  I am so sick of SD trying to emotionally blackmail us to get her own way

Winterglow's picture

Make sure his phone is OFF the entire time. Better still, get him to leave it at home. Does she have a key to your home? If so, change the locks before you go and make sure she never gets a copy of the new keys.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Please don't move in with this man. There is no reason to subject your children to this kind of dysfunction. You said, "She lies and accused my daughter twice of physically assaulting her and practicing satanism in my home.  She lies and accuses my son of bullying her..." Why run the risk of having CPS or the police involved in our children's lives?

You said she has barged in your bedroom more than once and she gets upset when your husband locks the door while he is in the bathroom - this is not normal behavior for a 15 year old. You mentioned your husband is a bit "slow mentally" - is it biological or due to an injury? Is there a chance she has some sort of a mental issue as well?

Gracefulsilver's picture

He just takes a bit longer to understand what he is being told due to slow comprehension.  He is fully functioning, holds a full-time job, and manages his own finances.  He's just not very quick on the uptake

Mandy45's picture

If I was you I be running. This kid obviously has serious problems. And as long as her father let's her control everything. It not going to change soon. 

hereiam's picture

You need to have a chat with him about his long term plan regarding her. She obviously is not going to think she will need to get a job and support herself.

Is he doing anything to try to teach her to be independent? Probably won't matter, BM's brainwashing will win out, anyway, I'm sure. It did with my SD.

 

Gracefulsilver's picture

We have been approaching this together as a team.  Our communication is fabulous.  He keeps telling her this is for her own good and he is trying to teach her maturity and responsibility.  The long term plan is to get her through high school and give her 1 year after that before she is required to get her own place or move back in with her mom.  Sd is also so jealous of my 2 kids because of their plans after high school and the independence they are going to have.  My son is younger than her with ADHD and aspergers syndrome and acts more mature and responsible than her.  It is really sad and sickening.  The way she is dressing for school these days is resembling a prostitute walking the streets.  Her dadmakes her change if he gets home from work before she leaves for school (he works 3rd shift)

RisingtheWave80's picture

There is something seriously wrong with that kid, she needs therapy if she isn't already in Therapy.