7 year old step daughter has ripped my husbands life apart
So - I’ve been in her life since she was 4 years old, gone out of my way, even sided with her needs to my husband, held her when she’s cried, I feel I have been there for her emotionally more than I have my own children in some instances, which I’m not proud of.
So me and my husband went on holiday and leading up to the holiday, his daughter was asking a lot of questions, why does he call me darling? Why he lives with me etc. Coming in between us and not allowing us to cuddle or kiss. It got to the point I was scared to hug or kiss my husband because of the disgusting look I’d got!!
I wasn’t allowed to sit next to him in the car without having piercing eyes. It got ridiculous! I felt as though I was having an affair with my own husband and had to sneak about through fear of upsetting her!
Whilst enjoying our lovely child free holiday, my husband got an email from his ex wife with a note attached. His daughter had wrote a note saying she doesn’t want to see him unless it’s just her and him and specifically asked me not to be around. It was like this for a long time before we moved In together so it’s about time she got used to us as a family, even up until recently he’d stay at his mums 1 night a week to spend 1-1 time with her, what more does she want? She said she feels he talks to her rudely which is far from the truth , he disciplines her like any other normal child with bed times etc. She had all the love, all the care she needs. She would expect us to be constantly doing something and couldn’t have a normal week night, wanted us to make a huge fuss of her. I have 2 kids of my own who don’t get this and they see their dad 3 nights a week so she isn’t getting any more than what they get!
Anyway - my husband refused to see her on her terms and explained if she wants to come it’s with all of us. She doesn’t get to eliminate me and my children! I’m sure all children given the choice would love 1-1 attention constantly but it wouldn’t be sustainable and would only be a short term solution! My husbands family has turned against him cos he’s not given her what she wants and with her being the only granddaughter they are biased! We have explained she’s welcome to come, she just cannot have exciting days all the time and doesn’t get to decide if I’m there or not! She was coming 3 nights a week, it’s not like she was a weekend child! She’s ripping the family apart and I’m worried my husband will leave me as it would be easier!! I can’t believe she refuses to see her dad on the terms of it being just her and him! My daughter loves her dad unconditionally, no matter what they do or who with. I could imagine if I was horrible to her but we were so close. She has ruined it for us all as me and my husband cannot stop arguing about the situation and how to deal with it !! Please if anybody can help! I resent her but also miss how things used to be before she started demanding all of this stuff! I tried my best for her! I feel like there’s nothing more I could have done!
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What is up with people
What is up with people letting 7-year-olds make decisions about visitation?
Mine didn't get to make decisions at 17
about visitation, let alone 7. They grew up with the idea that their father and I had a court order and as the court order stated, the visitation schedule stood until graduation. Any changes to the court order were between my ex and I. Period. End of discussion. They could mention the need for a change to one or both of us and we would decide. We always allowed said changes and we were pretty lenient with the schedule after age 14 or so but it still stood.
This also eliminated any thoughts of kids running to the "other house" if they felt the rules were better or because they didn't get their way. Playing parents against each other (or trying to) only resulted on one thing....grounded and loss of privileges.
Seriously. If SD said she
Seriously. If SD said she wasn't going to school unless she got a new teacher, would BM let her stay home? I doubt it.
She is 7
do you really believe that a 7 year old came up with this grand plan, wrote an articulate note about it and then scanned said not to send to dad? A 7 year old isn't ripping anyone's life apart. Your husband should pick up his child at his scheduled time and be done with this. If he doesn't then that is on him and points out some parenting flaws and character failures in him. He is already showing those by giving a small child this amount of power over her schedule. She is not equipped to make those types of decisions. Not that I believe it came from her as it is.
That being said, all of the kids should have one on one time with their parent. Not every single moment needs to be done as a group. Intact families don't even do that. I didn't do it when I had just my bios, stepkids, or my foster child (who lived here when the older kids were teens). I would make sure that each child is getting time with their parent while in your home.
THIS!
The BM is PASing her out so she can bitch about how dad has a new family and doesn't love SD anymore.
Then when the PASout is complete she can crow about being a siiiiiinnnngle mooooom and how haaaaard it is to have an ex as a deadbeat daaaaaaaad.
So. Much. This.
So. Much. This.
She is 7, she doesn't get to decide
She is 7, she doesn't get to decide the terms of the time that is spent with her father. DH should pick her up when he is scheduled to and there should be no discussion about it with her or BM. He should not give SD a choice in the matter. And this did not come from SD on her own - BM had a hand in it. This needs to be stopped now, before she gets any older.
DH should spend one-on-one time with his daughter, but it should be on his terms, not hers.
What is wrong with the adults
What is wrong with the adults in this situation? My OSD is almost 7. First off, she writes pretty well but there's no way she'd be capable of writing a note like that. If she did, BM would shut her down immediately. DH would be picking SD up as usual, and my in-laws would laugh at the absurdity of the request.
Unless everyone thinks you're abusive or something, they should not be giving a 7 year old this kind of power. Have you considered counseling for you and DH, since this is obviously taking a toll on your relationship?
Do you think the BM is behind this? Is there PAS going on?
He won’t leave you because he
He won’t leave you because he has the balls to stand up to her and see the bigger picture.
The court order needs to be
The court order needs to be followed. 7 yr olds dont get to make adult choices. Your DH needs to tell BM that he will be exercising his scheduled parenting time, period.
When BM comes back with some nonsense about SD will hate him and she wont force SD to go- yes she will force her or the judge will. If SD being mad for a little while means that she will respect her father and follow rules (court orders) later in life- fantastic! That's called good parenting!
Thank god I have a sane XH
He and I would never let this fly and trust me, when DS wanted to keep playing or just got some hair up his butt about switching houses, it was shut down by whichever parent he was with. Early on we tried to be lenient but found out quickly that he was manipulating the situation (at 5yo). We told him we all had to stick to the schedule. And we are still on that schedule for one more month (then he's off to college).
You were have alone time and BM felt left out
She put SD up to it. If DH let’s a 7 yo run his life, all is lost. Just pick her up,
I agree with everyone else. A
I agree with everyone else. A 7 year old didn't write that on her own. I know our BM used to be all, "the kids don't want to come to your house, blah, blah, blah." DH just picked them up as usual every single time. And they never acted like they didn't want to go or behaved badly when they were here. This is like step two in the how to alienate your kid from the other parent handbook.
Here's the possible future if SD is allowed to make the rules...
I totally agree with everyone that although SD7 needs her fair share of 1:1 time with BD, she should not be allowed to dictate your family dynamics and relationship. Here's why...
When I entered the picture 6 years ago, my 3 SDs told me I was wonderful. I was shiny and new. In the same breath, they would say awful things about his ex, a long time relationship that ended about a year before I came along. I later found out they had DEMANDED their dad tell her to leave their home, saying she was "crazy", "mean", etc. I now know she is none of those things. He ended the relationship with his long-time GF/BM of YSS because he felt at the time that he was doing the best thing for his girls. He "just wanted them to be happy." BIG mistake.
Fast forward and years later, I am no longer shiny and new. Unfortunately, I don't even have any kind of amicable relationship with any of the girls. 2/3 have DEMANDED their dad end our relationship as soon as they started acting out as teenagers and I had an opinion about what goes on in MY home. I did leave voluntarily and temporarily over MSDs toxicity and once she got her way, she moved out a couple of weeks later and bragged online about "scaring me away". She now hardly even gives her dad the time of day. YSD16, just recently ran away and refused to come home and go to school unless he made me leave. She did not win that battle and is back sulking in her room, preparing to start back to school this week as I type.
I just told BF/MR. ED that while I'm happy that we ended up together, I think its a shame that he didn't stand his ground with the girls years ago. Maybe he would still be with the mother of his son, or at least maybe we wouldn't have all the drama and power play crap going on that we do today. Even though its hard, establish those boundaries while they're young or it can get so much worse when they are teenagers. You don't want to end up with a mini wife! I sincerely wish you the best with this. Its a tough road! <3