You are here

Proud of DH

stepper47's picture

If you are following the saga, our last episode was about how SD16 told her dad that he should give her money each month since she chose to live full time with her mother and is not using our food, electric, and water.  DH kept that in for about a week before he told me about it late one night, and that he had left that conversation with, "he would have to think about it"(which I feel was not the best answer, but I know this is hard for him, so it was much better than "ok, how much do you want?")  He and I had not talked about it since.  Tuesday he told me that he and SD made plans to go to dinner last night.  I asked if he had made a decision...and he actually surprised me by saying yes, he was not going to give her what she is asking for.  He said he asked her to dinner because he wanted to have that conversation face to face.  Meanwhile, the only communication she has given him in the last couple weeks is to ask if he made a decision yet.  She ended up cancelling bc she said she had to pick up a work shift, but reached out today to say she could go tonight.

He said it started out great, she was talkative, they joked around....until toward the end when the conversation went to her question.  He told her  that he pays child support to her mom to help with things like food, and that he will continue to help with things she needs for school, sports, medical, etc like he always has, but he was not going to be handing her money each month.  She immediately got angry and came back with a list of why he should...things like, he doesnt have to do her laundry, she doesnt take showers here, doesnt est food here....but he said he stayed calm and shut it down. She said if he had planned to tell her no, why did she even go to dinner then.  She called him an awful person and that all he has done is break her heart since she was 10 years old, also that he needs to take a look at himself because all of his relationships are awful right now (there has been a situation where his parents have continued to enable his sister's criminal activity, so he had distanced himself from all of them right now).  He told her he is sorry that she feels this way, all he has ever wanted was to be her dad, and he has done his best to support her financially, emotionally, and by showing up and being there.  And that he was still not going to pay her.  She tried a couple last digs about how if her mom takes him to court, he will have to pay a ton, and then demanded $100 because she needs new shoes.  He told her child support is between him and her mom, and they could go shopping for shoes together.  By then they were at her mom's and she angrily got out of the car...he said he loved her and she said she didn't love him, and thanks for making her cry for the millionth time...

And i am sure this is a heavily edited version, he tends to leave out the cursing and name calling.  I am floored and amazed at the level of entitlement and flat out meanness.  But I am not surprised, I have seen this coming for years because she had been allowed to believe she is the center of the universe and on her parents' level.  Well, I guess I am a little surprised at the level she has taken it.  But for today, DH is seeing through the manipulation, and that giving in to these things will cause more harm than good in the long run. It is just such a shame, things should not have to be this way....

RisingtheWave80's picture

YAY for DH! it is NOT easy for a parent to take that abuse from their child. As you have read my SD (who will be 14 in a few weeks) threw this type of bs with DH. She said that if he paid her mom more that she wouldn't be so broke and that is the time I lost it on her and said "Your mom wouldn't be so broke if she didn't spend thousands of dollars on you each month on things you do not need, whereas your father just sent a $1,000 check for your braces deposit." they don't get it and I assume much of this entitlement comes from BM talking shit about not having enough money or how dare DH have a life outside of his daughter where he spends ANY money that isn't on her"

I am happy your DH finally saw the light, stepped away from being bullied by a 16 year old and stood his ground. A very important step

Thisisnotus's picture

OMG yes. The BM shit talking is real....she is always telling them how she doesn't have any money and says things like "I don't know what your dad thinks he is doing over there" Mind you these kids at 16 and 11 don't know about the amount of CS DH pays their mom.....they don't know he pays anything at all. The "go ask your dad" is non-stop when skids need something.....

I am so happy for the OP, this is a big step.I'm still waiting on my DH to see what happens.....SD16 demanded he buy her a new iphone last month...says BM said he had to....it hasn't been brought up again....time will tell.

step to grown children's picture

Maybe because I have daughters and I'm a mom who pays child support but my girls got my back!

If BD says I have no money, they question him. If he says ask mom, they say no, she pays you child support for a reason. 

Its actually hilarious and refreshing to see my girls stand up for me. They appreciate more when I do buy them things because they receive it as "extras"

My oldest moved in with me when she was 16 I think 

tog redux's picture

Wow! Good for him. As hard as it is, this is so good for her long-term and for their relationship down the road. My SS19 tried demanding stuff when he was alienated and DH shut it down. You can see, now that he’s back, that he respects DH, even if he doesn’t feel close to him yet.  He doesn’t view DH as just an ATM. 

Your DH has to see the long-term benefits to her, even if it hurts.  And you know that if BM does go back for more CS, she ain’t gonna give any to SD and SD knows it. 

I hope you rewarded him richly for that. Smile

stepper47's picture

I am so glad he is seeing the light also, and I am hoping it will help turn the tide away from it being a relationship only based on what he gives her.  That is all it is right now. He said it was like a switch flipped, they were having a great time, then she asked if he was going to give her the money and it all changed when he said no.  He wasnt really in the mood for "rewards" last night, but I doing my best to reassure him that the things she is saying are. Ot true.  He was just standing here with tears in his eyes, he said a huge part of his identity has been feeling like he was a good dad, and now he is hearing from his child that is not true.   Part of what drew me to him is how dedicated of a father he is.  True he parented a lot out of guilt, but he fully loves his kids and has always been there for them.  She can't see any of the good right now.  But you are right, even though this is so hard and it hurts, long term this is truly for her good.  I am afraid she is learning to base relationships on what people give her, and that's setting up for a hard life

tog redux's picture

What he just did shows he IS a good dad. He didn't take the easy way out, the route that would make her "like him" in the moment. That's what good parents do.  Making a kid happy all the time is BAD parenting. 

hereiam's picture

What she is doing is disgusting. Asking for money is a normal teen thing, but expecting to be paid because she doesn't want to come over, anymore, so is not using resources at his house, is something completely different. She is conniving and manipulative. And, basically threatening him to pay up or he will pay "a ton" in child support? I would have been livid.

My SD28 gives my DH the, "You're a terrible dad" speech, also. It's a combination of him not doing what she wants, things that happened in the past (real or imagined), and her BM in her ear.

My husband loves kids and is very nurturing. He is the one who took care of SD when he and BM were married. He is the one who played with her, fed her, he took her everywhere with him. He believes that she is still mad at him for the divorce (BM is the one who kicked him out) and leaving her with her mother (he really didn't have a choice).

Your husband should not doubt how good of a father he is because of an angry, bitter, manipulative teen.

I know it hurts, though. Not only to be told that but to realize that your kid only wants money from you, not a real relationship.

Wouldn't it be nice if our husbands could tell these brats that they are horrible daughters? I would love to see the look on my SD's face!

advice.only2's picture

Jesus your DH has a Spawn just like my DH! Thankfully we never hear from her or see her. Once DH cut off the money train Spawn had no use for him.

Cover1W's picture

Good for him! Your SD sounds like my OSD. She manipulates until she gets what she wants. Then nothing. DH is still two steps behind but getting better. He had an evening similar to this in the spring which made him start thinking about how OSD works....

shamds's picture

Daddy doesn’t do the laundry

in my family of 4 and daily washing we don’t get anywhere close to $100. As you’ll find with pas kids, the excuses are just ridiculous 

if hubby didn’t put his foot down now, it’ll be never ending

tog redux's picture

Yeah, you have to wonder who did the math on all this money that’s owed. Sounds like BM’s a little annoyed at having to fully support SD. 

step to grown children's picture

Amazing how proud we are when our DH or even our exs stand their ground with these little brats. 

I know this site is about skids but I felt compelled to share/brag about my ex. My BD18 decided to move out at the end of the spring semester (first yr college) because I wouldn't let her drive 40 miles to see her little man at 2AM. So fine. Move out! 

Didnt take her precious car (which I bought) or cell phone (which I pay) out of pride. And threatened to quit college.

My ex and I stood our ground and did not give her any money, did not help her get to work, etc. We did keep her health Insurance.

My ex said it was the hardest thing he ever had to do but...

She is back at home! And enrolled for the fall. Grass is not greener on the other side. 

Harry's picture

Her decision not to come over, should not reflect a larger CS payments.  SD should not control finances of BF family.  She can do 50/50 as always. And her father can do the $100 washes ?..( Tide pods went up ?)