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How to deal with holidays

Twilight's picture

Hey all. ive made 2 topics on this forum about being jealous of my stepson. Were on our first and hopefully last family holiday. Were here since last saturday till this saturday. Step nightmare is with us. The boy is 10 years. He and daddiii keep walking hand in hand and hugging while i walk behind them like an idiot. Im now in tears in the bathroom. After a whole day (7.00 till 23.00) they hug,cuddle and kiss. We came home after a long day. Our hotelroom had only one couch. Daddiii and him are cuddling again on the couch. theire is no room for me. Rather then sitting on the floor . I escaped to the bedroom/bathroom. How do you deal with stepmonsters like that. i get it,kids are priority,but this is getting silly. Its like daddy and his mini boyfriend. When i mentioned it in the past,all i get is that hes a bloody child and that his kid should get all the attention. Grr still few more days to go....

SteppedOut's picture

This is not a skid problem - this is your husband's problem. Yuck. I would not want to be in a relationship with someone that treated me as a third wheel like this.

At a minimum NEVER go on holiday with them again. Do think long and hard if this is the right relationship for you.

Are you at a location you can go off by yourself (I mean, you essentially are anyway) and do your own thing? Don't let them ruin your whole trip!

Side note: My family is from Ghent, Belguim. (Now living in the US for 2 generations)

tog redux's picture

I'm with you. Why stay in a situation like this? Kids get all the attention, WTF? Way to teach your kid that when he's around, no one else matters whatsoever.

OP, go find a man who cares enough about your feelings and needs to not treat you this way.  At the very least, refuse to go on vacation or any other activity with DH and SS.  Seems like they won't even miss you anyway. (sadly).

Twilight's picture

Hi,nice. Ghent is a beautiful place. No i cant go home,our flight is not until saturday. Unless i pay a large amount of money,wich seems so waistful. I love him though. Hard to leave him

Monkeysee's picture

I’d do my own thing the rest of the holiday & leave them to their weird & inappropriate lovefest.

And no, kids should not get all the attention. They don’t need to be kissed, cuddled, or fawned over while the SO awkwardly stands off to the side like they shouldn’t be there.

My DH is affectionate with his sons, but nothing remotely close to what you’ve described. That doesn’t sound like a healthy affection, I wouldn’t want any part of that.

Go do your best to enjoy the rest of the trip - without them!! Might be a good time to re-evaluate being with a man who sees no issue treating you like you aren’t there as well.

Twilight's picture

Thank you,im doing that atm. Working on my tan and reading a lot of books

flmomma08's picture

I would not go out with them together anymore. It sounds like all it does is stress you out. Can you go find some fun things to do on your own until this trip is over?

Twilight's picture

yeah ty,im doing that

momjeans's picture

I wouldn’t commit to going on anymore holidays with them.

I went on one, and only one, where Skid and the in-laws were there too, before I told myself ‘never again.’ It was horrible. 

Twilight's picture

yeah i can imagine after today. My inlaws are very nice though. Although both his brothers do the same with theire kids

Cover1W's picture

Ditto above:

1) never go again unless your DH can actually discuss this rationally with you and demonstrate it's resolved; it doesn't happen only on vacation/holiday, right?

2) leave the room, leave the area, turn on the TV, read a book.  No focus on them whatsoever. Do your own thing.  If asked "why did to do X or where are you or why are you being so uninvolved?  etc., etc., etc." then Just say, "you two were not involving me, so I did what I wanted to do instead."

Twilight's picture

No,its 24/7 when the kid is over in the weekend

Cover1W's picture

Ah, well, my advise was for holidays/vacations. 

But it's also similar to regular days. DH had 50/50 with both SDs. On those days (half the time!!) all life would revolve around SDs, no matter if it was a want or a need. Needs I get (bed time, food time, etc.) but all else, heck no!  So I started making a LOT of plans for myself, esp. when the time included the weekend. I'd run errands, visit friends, go shopping, take a class, etc., etc., etc.

DH didn't agree then to tone it down so I absented myself and made him deal with it all. Not only the fun stuff but all of it. Took him about 3 months to realize it - but it worked. He's still not great, but MUCH better about not catering to either SD. We even took estranged OSD on vacation overseas (NOT my idea and against my advice, but you know, what say do I have?) and I made sure DH did it all.  He did.

It's your time - and if you have no say in how it's handled, then you can do something about it.

Cbarton12's picture

This has happened to met at home. SD 6 and DH will take up the whole couch sometimes. And I'll just go to the bedroom and do my own thing. 

Twilight's picture

Horrible isnt it

Empress1277's picture

My SO has two girls ages 11 and 8. The 11 year old acts like his mini wife at times. I agree with everyone else, go do something you would like to enjoy, does the hotel have a bar? Maybe go and get yourself a nice glass of wine and take a break from them. 

Twilight's picture

Yes,alcohol is the key to this week

Alien's picture

That’s kinda weird I have a son with my husband and I would have a problem with him kissing and cuddling 10 year old boy...even if it’s my own son. 5-6-7 even 8 is kinda okay to do that sometime but all the time and at the age of 10...

Twilight's picture

yes, i know. i  didnt do it when i was 10

ITB2012's picture

I end up following behind like some kind of servant. 

I started walking away. If we were close to home I just went home. If we were farther away I walked elsewhere. They had to call or wait for me. I didn’t go on a vacation because of it. That seemed to be the only thing that made a difference is refusing to go. DH finally started telling the skids they couldn’t nudge me out of the way and he didn’t leave me to walk ahead with them. 

TwoOfUs's picture

I agree with this. Absenting yourself is an incredibly powerful response. This is what worked with my DH, too, and made him finally start prioritizing me and our marriage.

Twilight's picture

i do that sometimes. and they dont even realise

lorlors's picture

Holidays are precious. Time to relax, recharge and rewind. Add stepkids into the mix, it is pure hell. After the last fiasco with mine, I said to DH ‘never again’. 

Go straight to a nice wine bar, order yourself a large     glass of your favourite drop and leave DH and his boyfriend to it. While you’re at it, book a massage in for yourself tomorrow.

Trailing around behind them must be getting old, fast.

Twilight's picture

Hi,i am doing that. Lots of drinks

lorlors's picture

Think about yourself and put YOU first.

Harry's picture

Think you need a heart to heart talk with your SO.  And make understand this will not happen again with you, or there will be no you.  

Twilight's picture

i am planning to have a talk

Winterglow's picture

I'd be filming the cuddling, hand-holding, etc. It's possible your SO doesn't realize just how cringe-worthy they're being. Maybe if you show him? Oh, and post it on FB with an innocent type of caption like "aren't they sweet?" or "father and son, bonding". And see what the general reaction is. You won't be disappointed.

Do they get strange looks when they hold hands and cuddle in public? Bet they do. It must look like he's "grooming" the boy to people not in the know ...

Twilight's picture

tempting,might do that

TwoOfUs's picture

Sadly this is very common unless you put a stop to it. 

My stepdaughters would fight each other to sit up front...even if I was going on the trip, too. When YSD was 10, she would physically get between us or try to pull my hand out of her dad's hand. He just laughed and tousled her hair. They would often walk together a few steps ahead of me when she was younger, too. Drove me crazy. No one wants to feel like a 3rd wheel in their own marriage. 

Twilight's picture

Yeah i know. sadly i get the typical deal with it answer

Siemprematahari's picture

All i get is that hes a bloody child and that his kid should get all the attention.

^^^^^^^^Really analyze this statement above and what this will mean for the rest of your relationship with him. If your H is brushing your feelings aside like they are irrelevant than you have a lot of soul searching to do. You are his wife and deserve attention as well. Where do you fit in all this? I wouldn't go on another vacation with either of them if it means you playing the 3rd wheel.

Twilight's picture

Hi all. I have forgot to mention something. Im in a gay relationship. He doesnt like showing public affection. Wich is fair to be honest,me neither. But i dont think im being unreasanable by wanting some attention in the room in the morning or evening. If he would just walk next to me during the day or have conversations with me in the evening insteqd of mini boyfriend. A quick wink or whatever i wouldnt be so upset if that makes sense.

shamds's picture

Especially 2 sd’s aged 23 & 14, they make it well known i am not family and try to make their mum relevant. I end up sitting there being subjected to their awkward silence or them ranting on about bio mums life and their stepdad. I feel tossed to the side and just wish i were in my own home. 

R

if they’re not doing this then they’re telling me what they can do to my kids against what i say should not be done. They think they have a right to do this. So 6 months ago i told hubby if he wouldn’t address this and tell them what they will not be doing to us or saying in our presence etc then i and my kids will not be present .

sd23 wants to treat hubby for dinner this month she referred it to dad and his family. Our kids are her half siblings. Believe me it aint effin happening!! I am not being suckered into dinner with her and if hubby brings it up again, i’d tell him i’m not spending any time with skids being excluded, ignored and them going on about bio mums life so they can play imaginary happy family...

i do not walk behind stepkids behind my husband. I walk side by side with him and they have tried to walk in front of me. I ignore and walk side by side and they learn to walk behind...

TheBrightSide's picture

I was in a marriage just like this.  I was the perpetual third wheel.  I too stopped going on "family" vacations. I used to believe that I just needed to find my own interests and accept that "its just the way it is".  Looking back now, I was in the wrong relationship.  I DESERVED to be in a partnership where both participants treated each other with respect.  

That marriage is over.  I have a new man now who respects me and makes our relationship a priority.  I have, never once, been made to feel like a third wheel when his kids are with us.  In fact, I encourage them to have one on one time without me.

Its not the child.  Its the man.

Hugs to you.

CLove's picture

I picked up early on this thread that you are in a same sex relationship with this man. You need to address all that affection with your SO. No matter what - this kid shoujld not be the center of everything, you should not be marginilised.

My then SO used to kiss his daughter on the lips. At 8, but 10? thats got to stop. He is doing his child no favors.

So made it clear that my place was next to him, early on, that his child fit in there with US, not just him alone.

Im sorry you are going through this!!!!!! IT totally sucks. He owes you a "do over" without kiddo.

Merry's picture

I don’t think the nature of your relationship makes any difference. Lots of straight couples prefer not to be very affectionate in public. 

He’s still your partner, you feel ignored, and he’s not willing to address it. Even if he doesn’t agree with you, he should WANT to make you happy too, and you reach a compromise. Sounds like your feelings don’t matter. I’d have a real hard time with that.