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SS ran away

newmommy05's picture

So if you've read my previous posts, you'll know that SS14 has been living with us since last Aug when his mom couldn't handle him anymore. Behaviourally, he has been up and down, but nothing really really bad. He has his issues, ADHD, he is defiant, entitled, etc but not a "bad" kid. He is just so incredibly irritating to be around. He is constantly in your face, demands to talk even if you don't want to, lies about everything, denies everything, forgets everything, makes a mess wherever he goes, bathroom messes etc. He is very hard to deal with. I don't feel like he respects us, he will swear at us, he has no issue with confrontation. We have tried everytrhing from taking away electronics to grounding but it always reverts back. My DH is supportive of my stance. DH is a kind and loving father, but I wouldn't say he is "strong" enough to deal with this mess. He is also scared that SS will call the cops or CPS on us just because we have rules and are strict about them. SS thinks he can do anything he wants with no consequences. We literally said he is grounded and he walked out the door.

So anyways, he ran away (to his mom's bf's parent's house) no one else will take him in. He is there temporarily until we figure out what to do. BM hasn't said it directly, but she does not want him back. We also live 9 hrs from each other so basically he has to be at one house or the other, there is no split custody. My mental health cannot deal with him anymore. Everytime I see peanut butter on the outside of the lid, or poop in the toilet (he doesn't flush), candy wrappers in his room, outside doors left open, I flip out. Its not one of these things, its a combintation of not learning from his mistakes, not caring about consequences, and just disrepect of our house in general.  I have 2 young girls with my DH but SS is at the center of household because we are always arguing with him. I just can't take it anymore but we have other options. No one wants him...any ideas? The only thing I can think of is if BM won't take him back, DH and SS will have to move out and live together and he can raise him however he chooses. I want no part in this. I also don't want him influences my daughters. OBviously neither DH or I want this but we sure can't just let SS14 live on his own? Ugh...Please help!

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I know this sounds stupid but have you been working with a therapist? For the whole family, not just him? It sounds like he's got some major issues and like you said he's not a bad kid but he's certainly struggling.

Rags's picture

Military School.

He is too young for forced emancipation or I would recommend that.

Or let him stay with his BM's BF's parents.  They took him in, let they, their son and his GF (BM) deal with it all.



SteppedOut's picture

Therapeutic boarding schools (let be honest, no "regular" boarding school would accept this kid) and military schools, I am guessing, are probably quite expensive. Likely even exceeding the cost of your husband getting a 2 bedroom apartment (depending on rental costs in your area). 

Has he been to a therapist, or psychiatrist? Maybe you could get him into a theraputic boarding home or school with your health insurance covering part of it? If you can afford it, military school.

If you cannot do the therapeutic boarding home or military school I do not blame you one bit for suggesting your husband move out with him. You and your kids should not have to suffer his crappy behavior in constant chaos. It's just not healthy.

Rags's picture

Actually there are some excellent Military Schools that are reasonably affordable.

On the high end of the scale are the $50K+/yr schools.  However, there are options available in the $15K/yr range.  Monthly installments are available at some schools.

Stefany.lee's picture

I feel you. He sounds like my stepkids...I wish I have an option to send them away but their mom is a loser and she can’t even keep a roof above her head with $2000 child support so my husband is stuck with the kids. He recently moved out with them cause the kids are no longer welcome to my house after what they did to my house and my kids. I don’t see we can work it out so I guess we will end up getting a divorce. It’s so painful cause you are getting punished by someone else’s mistake...and you are stuck with no choice... People always said when you married the guy you know he has kids, yes I understand, if it’s juts a weekly or monthly visit I can suck it up and deal with it, but I didn’t sign up for these ridiculous awful things on a daily basis .... take care of yourself and the kids you have. I hope your husband is on the sales page as you and doesn’t act like mine.

newmommy05's picture

SS came back after 2 days and Dh had a talk with him. He tried to talk to me but I said I'm not resdy to talk yet and he barged unto my room while I was laying down talking on the phone and tried to hug me. I screamed for DH. I realized I have major anxiety when SS is around. I feel the rage within me. When he was gone for the 2 days, everything was so nice and calm. Anyway, I told DH that I can't do it anymore. I told him not to blame me for the reason that SS has to go back to his mom's. The reason is that DH wants me to be the primary parent in our house and he would be the backup parent, this is our dynamic with our 2 daughters and it works for us as I am a stay a home mom while he works. The problem is that he expects the dynamic to be the same wih SS. I told him that it cant work like that. He has to be the primary parent to SS while I am the backup. He says he can't do it for whatever reason. He just doesn't want that kind of responability? I dont know exactly. SS needs a strong disciplinarian as a parent and he is not getting it from either of his bio parents. I was brought up by incredible parents who did everything for us kids but expected a lot from us. Anyways I guess I am just venting. Dh knows that SS has to go bsck to his BM by the end of the school year. I just dont wsnt him to resent me. I told DH he is free to take SS and parent him in another place but I won't be living with him. Dh said no he will support me. I should be happy but I'm worried they will both resent me.

Siemprematahari's picture

He just doesn't want that kind of responability?

This is his son, as his father he doesn't have the luxury to say " he doesn't want that kind of responsibility". It's like he's incapable of parenting his son if you're not there to hold his hand? What type of f@ckery is this........

newmommy05's picture

Well he didn't actually say that. But thats what was implied. He basically said if i wasn't on board then he will have to give SS back to BM.