BPD BM - How to deal?
This morning I got the first "You're not their Mother and never will be" when I did a drop off by myself as my boyfriend left for a business trip very early. It came from nowhere and all I could stumble through was "I respect you as their mother and never have done anything intentionally to undermine you." - no response except reiterating she is their Mother.
We are a year and a half into our relationship, and about 7 months into living together and me being full time involved with the skids. I am lucky in that they are young and girls and I am the shiny new toy still...there is no problem with the kids. And my BF and I both come from divorced homes, so I think we have some leg up on how to deal with this. We have made every decision in the best interest of the kids - whatever that means and will you ever really know until they are grown and fucked up or not? They are happy in our home, and we can usually diffuse any poisoning from their BM in a visit, by reaffirming they are loved by all of us and they have 2 wonderful parents plus some extras!
Anyway, he has long suspected his ex-wife and BM has undiagnosed BPD. Having a best friend who grew up with diagnosed BPD I was skeptical, but having lived it for the past 7 months I have to agree. During drop off this morning I got the full threatening brunt of BM, completely unprovoked. I came home to an empty house and BF called me as soon as he landed, but I am still reeling and losing hope it will ever get better.
He is a wonderful partner, telling the kids we are all a family despite BM telling them I am not part of their family. I know I need to disconnect and ignore what doesn't go on in our own home, but how? BM and I have communicated openly in the past and found common ground. She knows I don't want bio-kids. I don't pretend to be their Mother, I don't get involved in parental conversations or scheduling conversations and BF hasn't changed his stance or opinions since I came around, yet she is continually up and down and treats him terribly. How do you get used to being a constant threat to another human that can hurl any abuse at you they want and you can't do anything back? She uses the kids as pawns to benefit herself and punish my BF, and I am helpless. All I can do is support him and be available when and where I can to facilitate whenever BM decides they can come to our house.
I worry for the long term, will they be poisoned against us as they get older? Will my relationship with them suffer because BM will tarnish me? How do you cope? How do you deal with an irrational person that can't be reasoned with? How do you support your partner and look after yourself without being too selfish, whats the boundary?