Holiday Poster
I feel like the only time lately I have problems is holidays. Christmas is coming up SD11, we have purchased her gifts (spent way to much). Any way she is suppose to come over this weekend to get them. DH is suppose to pick her up, and she is gonna spend a little time with us.
Well BM just writes SD does not want to come without BM coming too. Honestly I am not in the mood for this, and DH isnt either. BM has to be there every time SD comes now. Or SD has a melt down, its like SD can't be away from BM at all with out crying or being scared. Had the same problem at the start of the school year.
Is it rude if DH tells BM that if SD doesnt want to come on her own then we will hold her gifts until she wants to come over? SD is honesly only coming to get her gifts, if we let her come with BM, SD will come get her gifts then be ready to leave after they are opened. She could not careless about seeing us.
What would you all do, I am alittle spiteful and want to be like, if you cant be part of the family then you don't get anything. I know Christmas is not earned and kids should get it, but when its all SD uses DH for its gets old. BM teachs SD thats all men are good for is money, and getting what you want.
SD will call and text DH but only when she wants something, and she doesnt want to see DH just wants us to either send money or the item.
Since when do kids get
Since when do kids get whatever they want? She insists BM is there to see her own father? They both need to tell her no, that’s not how it works. It’s not up for debate. It never should have been allowed in the first place. It’s odd that she’s 11 and acting like this. She definitely needs a talk about entitlement and not expecting things from people, and just how to be a decent person in general.
Christmas as a whole isn't
Christmas as a whole isn't earned, but gifts certainly can be. My parents would refuse to take us to see Christmas lights if we were unruly, or they wouldn't let us hang ornaments if we weren't careful with them. Giving a mountain of gifts to a kid is only a part of Christmas, and totally one that can be nixed if said child uses that aspect to be disrespectful. I consider birthdays to be the only time that a kid doesn't need to earn a gift because it's a celebration of them, not of family, togetherness, thankfulness, etc.
So, I see no problem with telling SD, "this is YOUR time to spend with ME; if you don't want to spend time with me and this part of your family, then you miss out on the activities we have planned." And yes, that would include her getting gifts. I don't think you even need to keep the gifts for a later date, unless they could be given at her birthday.
Yes to all of this! If a kid
Yes to all of this! If a kid chooses not to be part of the family in general, they forfeit the perks, like gifts. That’s life. Too bad.
This is a classic move from
This is a classic move from the playbook of controlling, manipulative BMs.
Hopefully your DH will shut it down. Visitation is time for the noncustodial parent and the child to enjoy each other and build their relationship. There is zero reason for the other parent to be present.
Drop off 1 gift at the BM's,
Drop off 1 gift at the BM's, return the rest.. You've fullfilled your parental duty AND avoided ruining your holiday.
My bf's daughters do the same thing. All they care about is gifts. Last year oldest SD refused to come for Christmas, after she had my bf arrested for catching her with a boy at BM's house while BM was out of town. She said he "broke in" when he actually stopped to check on her while she was alone by herself with mom out of town. She was 18 at the time, but still in high school.
That year he sent a card for her with her sisters with $100 in it, which was perfect. He wasn't going to do anything, but I told him he had to do something. It was not as much as the other girls got, but still a gift. This year she's living with him (another post for another time).
BM has poor boundaries. Also, the person who said that visitation is time to spend time with the other parent, not their BM, is spot on. BM doesn't belong at your house for any reason other than to drop off and pick up.
Big NO
Your SD is 11 yo and understand what’s is going on. If she can spend some time with you, like the day not 10 minutes. I would not give her all the gifts. You can not buy her. She becoming a gift grabbing kid using you as a ATM not a father. You have to face facts that you may not have a relationship with this kid at this time .
Another dad who cannot say no
Another dad who cannot say no! There are no shortage are there???? No it is not reasonable that your husband’s child should dictate how visits go down. You should have to follow the custody agreement only. I presume that your visits are not supposed to be supervised, so this just seems like a power play. Your hisband’s Child needs to be told that the visits are to be with her only that she and her mother are not a package deal. Keep the gifts to give to her, but it is time to break any notion that the ex is part of visits beyond drop off or pick up! I am sorry for your trouble. Holidays are frankly not fun when remarried. At least that has been my experience!
SD did not come over, BM said
SD did not come over, BM said it was both or neither. SO DH picked neither. SD only uses DH any way.
Let BM know that if she fails
Let BM know that if she fails to surrender the SKid as scheduled per the CO that she will be served with a contempt motion. Each and every time she withholds the kid.
Lather, rinse, repeat. The only thing that toxic comprehends is pain. Bring the pain.
BM nor the SKid should be tolerated to violate the CO or interfere with dad’s time.
If your DH does not grow some balls nothing will change. If that was my kid she would be with me every COd visitation. She could sit and cry her eyes out the whole time but she would be there. I would be blasting the tunes to cover her sobs and I would have her in intensive therapy the rest of my time but she would be there. BM could stand at the curb the whole time but she would not violate my property line without severe consequences.
Good luck.