Life was smoothish for a bit
Life has been okay for a bit, things pretty normal drama-wise, but in the last month or two it's gone downhill.
Time Line:
SD turned 16 in January, DHs dad bought her a car (he does this for all Grandkids, it took him a bit to get her one because she had to have a certain type it was annoying but he obliged more than we would of).
SD gets the car, and the rules (she knew them before she got the car), it was to stay at our house, she has to pay insurance, and pretty much it was our car until she was 18 and she was just allowed to drive it when she wanted. (so oretty much DH has say like any normal parent on the car)
BM gets mad and says first off the car should go to her house too, which in a normal situation yes that's fine, but BM would take over the car and use it as her own so no. Then she said no way SD pays her own insurance, that's just not fair. (yes SD doesn't have a job but she can door chores and work around the house to pay it off, I told her I would pay her $15.00 an hour to earn the money like we are making this easy on her.)
So BM and SD16 call and scream at DH over this, the insurance is in my name because that's just how the bill split up, I offered to pay it, DH covers pretty much everything I can do a little more. So SD and DH agree yes she is going to pay it to get over it, its staying at our house, if she doesn't like it we can sell it just as fast as it was bought.
SD comes over and we go on a family vacation, the last night of vacation she refuses to shower, (we had one hotel room for three of us she was stinking the place up). DH tells her she smells and she is taking one (after asking nicely for an hour) she gets mad and storms off showers and goes to bed without a word.
The next morning she doesn't talk to us, the 8 hour car ride she ignores us, doesn't talk just sulks, get home BM comes and gets her (which is the 2nd time she has ever driven to pick her up in over 4 years.). She has her husband with her, they ask for the keys to the car so they can take it home. We just say bye to SD and shut the door. They sit outside for an hour trying to get the keys we just ignore. They finally leave.
We don't hear from her for over a week, whatever she's mad about the shower thing I guess still. Finally, she starts talking to us a little and decides she is coming over this weekend to work this out (no working things out she just needs to get over herself, I have never met a child who refuses to bathe more than her)
I go to clean her room (she had food everywhere and it was awful, I am not having bugs cause she is nasty) I find a DAB pen in her room. I tell DH he is beyond mad, we talk it over and let her know we found it. She freaks out and says it's cause she is sad and it helps. DH tells her whatever still not fine, and she has two choices for punishment. 1. No car for 6 months but she still has to pay for it. Or 2. No cell phone for a month at our house, this option she can still use her car. (this seems like an easy choice to me)
SD and BM say neither, BM says she will take care of it, just let it go, UMMMM no? So now SD is back to not talking to us, and DH is all upset because he feels like this is the end of their relationship, he asked should I just let it go. I told him do what you want but she can't just do whatever she wants.
Did I mention since all this COVID crap started she has been staying with us 90% of the time, and any time we bring up changing custody CS BM makes SD go back home, and SD says she doesn't want it changed and she will tell the courts she wants to live with BM.
So I really want to know,
1.) Making her pay her insurance really that bad?
2.) What should we do about the pot vape pen?
I wouldn't have given her a
I wouldn't have given her a choice. What is she is high and driving? What will happen if she doesn't pay for the insurance? Does the car get sold?
if she doesn't pay insurance
if she doesn't pay insurance she cants drive it if she misses more than 3 months it's sold. She only has her permit so she doesn't drive high.
I'm stuck on the BM and her
I'm stuck on the BM and her husband requesting the keys to the car. WTF???
They are horrible humans, BM
They are horrible humans, BM thinks we owe her everything just like she is our child too!
Honestly I would have sold
Honestly I would have sold the car by now and been done with it. Then let SD know if her mom wants to get her a vehicle that's completely fine and it can stay at her mom's house.
I was against the car to
I was against the car to start with
but no one listens to me lol
She's too immature, and BM is
She's too immature, and BM is too high conflict, for you guys to provide a car for her. If she can't bathe regularly, she's not ready for a car. And on top of that, she's smoking weed, so immature AND irresponsible.
Sell the freakin' car, it's causing too much drama. And take her phone for a bit for the dap pen.
We took the phone we had for
We took the phone we had for her a long time ago, then BM got her a new one. BM says since we dont pay for the phone we cant take it. We are not taking it, its just not allowed at our house. BM said no she bought the phone so we cant make any rules about it.
I disagree. Take the phone
I disagree. Take the phone when she arrives and give it back when she leaves. Your house, your rules.
I agree, for a while we had a
I agree, for a while we had a no phone rule and she stopped coming over (SD was sending photos and acting like she knew what was best). And BM refused to let us have SD because she knew we would take her phone away. So after a month or so we finaly gave up and let her have her phone so we could see her.
I agree with others. Sell
I agree with others. Sell the damn car, and let BM tote SD wherever she needs or wants to go.
SD and BM are pushing their
SD and BM are pushing their limits I wish the car was never a thing!
This kid needs REPERCUSSIONS
Her actions - sulking and being brat, having illegal for minors drugs and running to BM's at the sign of RULEs, requires repercussions or you will end up with a version of Feral Forger SD22. No job, no license (because driving high) and no ambition to do anything other than mooch.
Others have detailed well some advice that I would give. BM wants to strong-arm you about the car? Eff off BM. SD wants to pout and sulk? No phone. What Ive learned is dont give choices. Give repercussions, not threats. Have the repercussions escalate as the negative behaviors escalate.
SD22 FF was also what I termed a "boomerang child", who whenever things got bad would go to the other house. She also played the houses against each other, and caused all kinds of drama.
She is still causing drama, but its not at my place!!!!
I just can't the more I have
I just can't the more I have thought about it today the more I am annoyed. Why can kids just not hide it as I did lol! (I was bad at her age but I didn't cause my parent's problem I was respectful and did things behind their back they never knew, which isnt much better but at least I respected them.)
I'm out. If your SD would
I'm out. If your SD would "just hide it" like you did as a teenager, everything would be a-okay.
No, doing things behind your parents' backs that were illegal - smoking dope - wasn't being respectful. And don't think they didn't know you were stoned or hungover. They probably didn't want to face it which is a big problem with so many parents.
Hell, hand your SD her vape and tell her to stay at BM's since things are so much better there. Sell the car and be done.
I just stepped out totally
I just stepped out totally after this weekend, I am over SD, BM and DH right now! They all just want life to be their way or no way at all. Its just a big fight
Oh so familiar, and in my
Oh so familiar, and in my situation, it played out to where BM "rescued" SD now 18 from our house one final time 2 years ago and she has not lived here since. She has a lot of anger and animosity toward us, some of her feelings I do understand, but most of it I feel is entitled and inflated, in large part to BM undermining DH at almost every turn. Although if you would as BM, she would says she has tried her best to help the situation bc SD needs her dad in her life. Not true, when you consistently override the other parent's role, say, and responsibility and put them down in front of the kids because you may not agree with how they do things, that is hurting the relationship between your child and that parent. So frustrating,, because ultimate the child is the one who pays the price. I do not think you and DH are being unreasonable in your expectations at all, and if you were both the bio parents of the child, you wouldn't have any reason to second guess. And naturally if a child has an option to go where the grass is greener, they are probably going to take it. I am not sure what you can do about that, we certainly never figured it out! Now we just take things day, my husband is heartbroken at how his relationship with his daughter is,but he also recognizes it wasn't a real relationship if the only value she saw in it was what went her way.
I think DH is seeing that it
I think DH is seeing that it's not a real relationship it's she gets her way she is happy, or what we can give her she is happy. Otherwise, she doesn't want anything to do with us.
If she can't
Clean her room or her body, she needs counseling not a car. She said the pot helps her sadness. Plz get her into counseling while she's still a minor.
Sounds like
She's employing all the high conflict behaviors she's learned over the years. The cold shoulder, the fits of rage, zero compromise or communication, zero listening, zero resolution. I'd say she's about a lost cause at this point and it's not on you really. She's gonna have a really rough life, believe that.
Disengage, you're in the middle of a situation you didn't create and just pissing everybody off that you're even there putting yourself in it. Tell DH to handle it and go hands off. Get the car off YOUR insurance, she's benefiting from whatever discounts you get. Tell her it's her car, you are 100% responsible for maintenance, gas, insurance, etc...that shit comes with a responsibility, if she wants the fruits and enjoyment of car ownership then it comes at a price more than just the shiney new rid showing up. Remove yourself in a real way and literally give her exactly what she wants (you out of the thick of it) and she can handle it all. Don't even offer $ for chores, see what being nice and offering a real awesome opportunity to make some cash gets you...indignation and contempt. Hardly worth it! You clean up your and DH messes or whatever you do to maintain household... and to live there she has to clean up hers since her messes impose on your household, that's just common roomate stuff, not parenting so I think it still falls under the disengaging. And when she has to fill up the car with gas or do basic repairs..sip on a nice margarita with ear buds in jamming to your fav tunes on spotify or something like, "sorry, can't hear you., dang sounds like a lotta work, well good luck with that". Then go back to what you were doing. Yes, you're in too deep. Let the bio parents handle the nasty mess they created. You tried to raise her with boundaries and shit, it didn't work. She hates your guts. Now it's time to call it, cuz it's only gonna get WORSE
Also, let her stink. What's it to you that she reeks of BO. She's the one being a grade A loser by stinking. Probably not gonna have many friends or boyfriends smelling like a bum, jokes on her.