Am I Right?
So, before I get to the question at hand, let me give you a little bit of background. This past weekend, Labor Day weekend, was the weekend my DH was to have his children. For those of you that don't know my step kids are 12, 14 and 17, with the two oldest being girls. He was told on Wednesday night that the girls had a volleyball tournament on Friday some 4 hours away and that they had another tournament on Saturday which was only about an hour and a half away. So, he originally said he would pick up his son from school Friday and then he would attend the tournament on Saturday. Apparently he received a call from his ex Friday morning letting him know that his son was sick and that his ex was going to drag him to the tournament that was 4 hours away because he wasn't going to be going to school that day. So, my DH came home and told me this Friday, and I can honestly say I wasn't disappointed. I looked forward to an additional day without any of those kids.
So Saturday rolls around and we do what we need to do before we head to the tournament. We get to the tournament and his one daughter isn't even in uniform. Now mind you, Saturday morning he texted his daughters and said that he would be up as soon as he could and that he looked forward to seeing them playing. They responded with an "ok". So now we get to the tournament, and as I said, his one daughter is not even in uniform and the other daughter tells us that she's not feeling well and hasn't been playing all day. So my DH just kind of looks at them and says well, I wish you would have told me, I wouldn't have made the drive up here if I knew you weren't playing. So, we hung around until the tournament was over.
On the way home my DH proceeds to tell me that the kids will not be staying with us through Monday because they have some school project to complete. So basically we have them for one night and part of the next day. Sunday morning I ask my DH if they are staying for dinner. He said he would ask them. A few hours went by and he had not asked them, so I questioned him again....are the kids staying for dinner or not? He looked at me and said nope, I'm just going to take them home at the normal time. So he went in about an hour before that time and told the kids that they needed to be ready to go at 4pm.
He came out of the rooms and told me that his son really wanted to stay. So here's where the question comes up. I said okay, if he staying I will cook dinner. I said this because my DH and I had made plans to go out to dinner together since the kids weren't originally going to be there Sunday night. Then my DH says, "no, I don't want to drive into town again tomorrow", meaning Monday. So he decided that all three kids would go home to their mom's house. As they were headed to the car, my DH's son was sulking and pouting and almost crying. May I remind you that he is 12, almost 13 years old. Anyway I hear my DH telling him that he would ask his mom and myself if it was okay if he could come over and stay the next weekend but he was not promising anything. Of course, this is not the usual weekend for his kids to be with us. I didn't say anything and we drop the kids off and then my DH proceeded to ask me if it was okay if his son came the following weekend. I got upset because he could have kept his son an extra day and let the girls go home to their moms as they are the one with the project. But he didn't want to be bothered with driving into town (70 mile roundtrip) the following day so he sent him home early too. Now, it was on me to say yes or no as to whether or not he could come and stay on an "off" weekend. I told him I hated being put in this position, making me out to be the bad guy. I told him he could have just as well stayed Sunday night and then he wouldn't have been sad, but no that didn't happen because my DH didn't want to have to drive again. He has done this before, where he kind of puts me in the position to make the decision, because he doesn't feel like doing something at one time or another, and he does not want to be the bad guy. I just don't think it's right, so I ask, am I right feeling that way?
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Comments
Wrong wrong wrong
He never mentions you in decision making. In this case he just shuts his mouth and sticks with the CO. IF there is a situation where he is asked to make a change, he says he will think about it and respond by X time or date.
THEN in private he asks you. You have every right to say that doesn’t work for you.
I that’s the case, he responds WITHOUT mentioning you that the proposed change doesn’t work—maybe another time.
Exact wording from a family therapist.
He NEVER makes you the fall guy.
He needs to fix this mess. He needs to say he forgot he had another obligation and spoke too soon.
Yes he set you up to be the
Yes he set you up to be the fall guy, because he chooses to be lazy and not actively engage with his children its easier for him to put the blame on you and the ex, rather than taking responsibility for his laziness.
Next time I would have cut in as DH was telling SS he would ask BM and you about a weekend change "DH that is between you and BM, you know I support you anytime you want to make changes in the CO." Don't let him use you as his scapegoat.
I agree, why doesn't your DH
WHY doesn't your DH just stick to the CO! Going off of it, especially for stupid little reasons like this, just causes uneccessary drama and frustration. I just don't get it. You're not wrong, I would be frustrated too, especially when the CO is in place to avoid all of this crap!
Side note, SS12 gets pouty like that ALL the time, and I cannot stand it. Thankfully, neither can my SO, so I don't know why SS continues. My SO rips him a new one if he is pouting. We looked at buying a house that is wayyy nicer than the one we live in now, and SS didn't like the size of "his" room, so he sat on the stairs and pouted and wouldn't look at the rest of the house. Yes kid, cause looking at buying a nicer house is reason for pouting...life is just SO hard for you. UGHHHHHH.
Stick to the Plan
Oh yes, this has happened several times. His kids have no idea how to plan for future events. I shared custody of my own kids and they knew which weeks they were with who and they planned around it. These lazy ass kids have no concept and have nkt been taught by either parent. Very frustrating indeed!!!
My advice would be to say
My advice would be to say "yes your son is welcome to come next weekend." Because, there is still the hurdle of Bio Mom to get through... she may just say no. If the boy does come, I would probably try to find some things I wanted to do with friends so that dad could spend quality time with his son. You did get "off the hook" for a couple of days this weekend.. even though it was kind of messed up due to the sickness, tournament and projects.
This is one of those situations where your DH will be confused that you are angry at him for making you the bad guy... he thinks "bad guy? I was trying to be conscientious and include you in the decision.. I didn't want to make it without checking with you" You need to ask him that next time... he should say something more along the lines of "Let me see if I can figure out if next week will work" or "I need to check my schedule for next week before I can commit" or "I had some plans for next weekend, but let me see if I can rearrange them"... All those will give him time to check with both you and bio mom without making it seem like you or her are the one saying no.