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Not spending holidays/birthdays with SS

pixielady's picture

Since we have been long distance (almost four years), SS9 has only spent one birthday of DH's and one Father's Day with him. He doesn't come for Thansgiving/Christmas/Easter and never on his birthday. DH's visits don't fall on any of those holidays either. Now, I know this has mostly to do with the distance, but the CO doesn't specify anything about holidays other than the parents shall come to an agreement.

I personally don't mind this at all since I have a somewhat disengaged relationship with SS and DH has mentioned only once that it would be nice to see SS on his birthday (which is around Spring Break depending on the school calendar), but BM likes to have SS on pretty much all of his birthdays and major holidays. My question is: Does this affect bonding/the relationship between SS and DH? I mean, holidays and birthdays are memory making events. Things you share and reminisce about with your kids. I can't imagine not spending them with DS, and not my circus, not my monkeys, but curious as to others experiences when it comes to holidays and birthdays with skids.

stepmom123456's picture

we have step kids 50/50 so every monday, tues, they are with us- wednesday after school they go back to the mothers and every other weekend so one week i will have them: monday, tuesday, wednesday  am, friday saturday if special event is happening they do it with whom ever they are with that week, birthdays, gets celebrated about 3 times. with bio mon, with us and with grandparents. christmas eve they are always with their mom and christmas day with us.

pixielady's picture

So you guys have them on Christmas day and other holidays when they fall on your time. If DH and I see SS kind of close to his birthday (it’s never that close) we'll take him out, cake etc, but it's never a big to-do the way it is with his mom's celebration. 

SS is NEVER with us on major holidays, so was wondering what sort of effect that may have on him/DH. Christmas/Easter/Thanksgiving are all times for family, so if you're not with one of your parents ever on these holidays, how does that effect a kid?

Steppedonnomore's picture

Is celebrating on an alternate day possible?  A friend's mother always does their family Thanksgiving on the Sunday before the actual holiday.  That way she gets to have all of her kids and grandkids for the day with no worries about conflicting obligations with in-laws, etc.

pixielady's picture

Since he's only with us 2-3x a year (usually 2), we only have him close to (or on the actual day) his dad's birthday/Father's Day and just before Christmas, so we will celebrate those on alternate days. Since neither of those are huge holidays, it's not a big deal. Alternate Christmas is strange because he's the only one opening presents, because DH and I wait to open ours until the actual day. Both DH's family and my family live in different states, so we sometimes go to visit them for the actual holidays. With DH and I, his family, my family, BM & SS all in different states, it's too much of a logistical nightmare trying to celebrate with SS and extended family. Plus, we're somewhat estranged from DH's family due to lack of boundaries with BM and constant spoiling of SS (sending gifts constantly). We haven't gotten him close to his birthday, so DH usually sends something and celebrates with him when he goes to visit him, which is anticlimatic because it's never that close to his birthday. Kind of like celebrating a month late. It's like "eh."

It's just a clusterf*ck. SS won't have any memories really celebrating holidays or his own birthday with his dad. My question is if this affects their relationship or not. I have fond memories of birthdays and holidays with my family, so I just wonder what it's like not to have that with one of your parents.

Lndsy747's picture

My SD is 16 now and I've known her for 10 years. There has never been a visitation schedule so spending time with her has always been hit or miss. We only ever got to see her Christmas Eve for holidays and her mom would usually pick her up around 12pm so we didn't have much time. She's moved around a ton and in my opinion missed out entirely on her child hold. What I've found though is that since she's never experienced it she doesn't know what she's missing. I still think it's really unfortunate that she won't have those memories though.