First blog: My life
Hi members of steptalk. I have been reading posts on this site a lot and I just created an account. I should have done it earlier. I had no idea you could track the new comments. I decided to blog because my therapist has been suggesting I do something like this. I have been seeing a therapist because my step family life has been very stressful. I think I will use the lingo everyone seems to be using here, like Dh, Bm and Ss.
For my first blog, I thought I should write about my life and my experiences with Ss. I have to say, it is quite sad and I would not wish it on anyone else. When Ss was 7, I married my Dh. We had been dating for only 8 months but we felt we were made for each other. Dh had been divorced from Bm for a year by then. Ss was his only son, and I had a daughter. We had every other week visitation until Bm moved two hours away 7 months into ouer marriage. This is where the courts failed Ss. They gave us ever other weekend when we tried getting full custody. The next three years have been a complete nightmare.
Bm would constantly violate the CO and would only get a slap on the wrist by the courts. We never stopped fighting. When we did get Ss, we found that he was becoming angry and very shy around us. He would not look people in the eye properly. We actually felt for a while that he had autism and him tested but he was found to be normal. We just thought he was being exposed to PAS from Bm. If only it was PAS. It would have been a 100 times better than what he was put through.
When Ss was 10, Ss's stepfather was arrested for numerous counts of raping a child and other things. I do not want to get into the details but both Bm and her husband were sentenced for a very long time. She knew and never did a thing. The police found horrifying things that were done to Ss that made me throw up when I heard them. It reduced my husband to tears. Ss had scars, required colon surgery and had gonorrhea that took 13 days to cure. They pleaded not guilty and put my poor through a very difficult trial.
We automatically got custody. We got a broken, disturbed child. We were not able to deal with it at first. I almost left my Dh. But we stuck through it and although we have not solved a lot of Ss's issues, we have remained together through it all. Ss used to get all A's before all ths happened. He wanted to go to Harvard. It makes me tear up when I think about it. Now he gets Ds and Cs. He has no friends and refuses to interact with anyone. We have also had Ss stealing alcolhol from the house leading us to not drink anymore.
I am constantly making sure he is never alone with my kids. I do not want to stereotype but victims sometimes do start abusing other children as well. He has not found out about my keeping an eye on him till now. And I hope it stays this way. I do not want him to feel like we are accusing him of anything. Ss, a boy who was so full of spirit and joy, now looks a shell of a human being.
We tried putting him in soccer to let him make friends but the other kids started making fun of him and we had to pull him out again. He gets bullied in school as well, but he never says a word about it. He has been teased and bullied in school ever since we have had him, even though we changed schools. We make him go to therapy for all these issues and just pray he will work through it. It is hard seeing a child suffering like this. He is constantly angry at everyone. He has said that everything that has happened was because my Dh divorced Bm. And I think my Dh believes it. He has a lot of guilt.
Last year, when he was 13, he told us he thinks he is gay. We told him we accepted him as long as he was happy. But behind closed doors my Dh was devastated. He cried in my arms. He keeps thinking about all the "What ifs?". Then we found out that Ss was chatting with a older man on the internet and it got very serious. We got the police involved. They were not able to track the creep. So now we moved his computer to the living room and we track it using a software my Dh installed.
A few months after that, he tried to kill himself. But we found him in time. They put him on suicide watch for a whole week. It was incredibly hard for us. But now he is on anti-depressants. The new problem is that he cannot function without these drugs.My life is either a high, when I am with my children, or lows, when we have to deal with Ss. I have yet to find the safe middle ground.
Sorry for such a long post. I hope I have not made you too depresed. Writing all this made me cry again. I love my Ss but I am not able to like him. I feel guilty that I feel this way but there are times I wish Ss had never been born. It would have saved a lot of people, including him, a lot of hurt. I hope to blog more in the future for advice from all the members of steptalk. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
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Comments
I am very sorry to hear what
I am very sorry to hear what your family has endured. I understand it must be very stressful for all of you. I'm glad you have a therapist to help you work through this. I think blogging will offer you some relief as well. It has for me. Prayers sent your way.
(((Hugs))) to you, your DH,
(((Hugs))) to you, your DH, your SS, & your daughter. What a challenge for all of you. You know, the fact that you & your DH have been able to support each other through all of this really says a lot for the strength of your marriage. THAT is a blessing.
Many parents blame divorce for the outcome of their children. Divorce is never to blame, but rather the parenting that follows. I hope your DH will come to understand that he had no part in what his son was forced to endure in the care of his mother. She is the one who was neglegent. She is the one who failed her son when she should've protected him.
I can't imagine the anger & hurt that has been felt in your home. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to love a child you can't trust. I can't imagine the devastation your DH must feel knowing that another man hurt his son. And I can't imagine being in your SS's shoes...having to find a way to cope with something so vile, & how difficult it must feel for him just to try to fit in with a normal group of kids.
He is blessed to have a stepmom with a heart big enough to love him & truly want to help him, even with that load of emotional baggage. Your DH is blessed to have a wife who loves him enough to be his support when he needs it most.
Prayers to you & your family. I'm glad you're here.
Thank you for the kind words.
Thank you for the kind words. My relationship with my Dh has been strained greatly. It is a miracle we are still together. Sharing this really lifted a huge weight off my shouldres. It is something we have not told anyone. We do not want everyone to know what happened to Ss. That is his secret to tell. Unfortunately, our family thinks he is just a spoilt, disturbed child. It is frustrating but I do not want to make him gossip fodder. I read about the sexual orientation confusion too. There are so many issues with my Ss I do not even know where to begin. We have changed therapists 3 times. This one seems to upset my Ss the least.
It must be incredibly
It must be incredibly difficult to not have the support of your family members. They sound ignorant. A spoiled child gets everthing he wants & asks for. This child didn't want or ask for ANY of what he got. He was forced to endure what had to have been horrific pain, embarrassment, & shame at the hand of another man while his mother stood by allowing it to happen. She knew it was happening & didn't care.
He certainly is disturbed, as would be any other human being...even those members of your family...should they be forced to endure such a thing.
There is no easy fix for this. With many issues to cope with, it will take time...a lot of time for him to heal. It will take the same for you & your husband. Keep posting if it helps.
My heart is ripped to shreds
My heart is ripped to shreds reading your blog. May you find some peace & solace knowing that you have a place to write to your hearts content. I will pray for your SS. Your SS must be helped to know that some way, some day, he will be able to push past these horrors and excel in life. Last night, I watched the Mary J Blije E True Hollywood story. She spoke of being molested by a family friend at the age of 5. She spoke of how she spiraled into drugs, alcohol and destructive behavior because she couldn't process the abuse. She blamed her parents, asking herself "Why weren't you there to protect me?" In the end of the story she said "No matter the depths of your horrors, you can get out." I will pray for you, your family and this child. Because it is obvious that you know that he is simply broken. But your love, your caring and your prayers can help him mend one piece at a time. Stay strong.
We struggle with trying to
We struggle with trying to understand that some of the things Ss does is because of the abuse. It frustrates us when it should not. It broke my heart once when I saw Ss trying to talk to some kids in the park. He only said hi and one of the kid made a joke about how he was walking. Ss has very little confidence and walks with his shoulders hunched. He came back looking so defeated. I have that image burned into my skull. He tries to do what the therapist tells him to do but kids are so cruel. And then he lashes out at us. He barely talks to us at all and refuses to eat with us. My Dh will sometimes eat with Ss in his room. He has regular night terrors. It used to be very bad with him having violent sobbing fits. Now its just him crying and moaning gently. My Dh then wakes up and holds his hand until he calms down. We thought he would outgrow it and it has reduced a lot but it still occurs. We were making some sort of progress I thought but the pedophile online made him regress almost to square one. I do not why there are so many sick people in the world.
Not to make excuses for your
Not to make excuses for your SS but I can probably gather that 90% of his behavior is an after effect of the abuse. Every human has a talent. He needs an outlet. For some that outlet is music, for others it's art, or dance. Try and find what he is passionate about. Even though it may be clouded right now because in his mind he is in the depths of hell there will be ONE thing that brings joy to him. If you can find that, you might be able to set him in motion so he can release all the hurt via that outlet. Do not give up on this child. ALL the odds in the world are stacked up against him. His trust has been broken, he has been crushed physically, mentally, emotionally. It will take years for him to rise from this, but if you can hold his hand and help keep him afloat he will love you one day for knowing YOU and his Dad were the 2 people who did not give up on him.
I have a SS that has had
I have a SS that has had problems with bullies. He has an anti-social disorder. We put him in Karate classes and that seems to be helping. Maybe an individual sport like that would give him some self confidence and make him walk a little taller.
I am so sorry. What your SS
I am so sorry. What your SS has been through has been awful. The judge that gave this mother full custody, should be removed from the bench. Praying for you....
We have tried getting Ss to
We have tried getting Ss to join activities. We put him in soccer, big mistake. He was tormented there. The kids would do it when the coach was not looking. We had to take him out of it. He refuses to do anything remotely social. He used to play video games on his computer. But when we removed the computer and put it outside, that stopped. We bought him an Xbox and a Wii. And he has own tv in his room. They never get turned on. He just lies in his bed sleeping or reading a book. We know we should not be giving him these distractions when his grades are so poor. But it is not that he is not studying. Because he does. But he leaves entire pages in his tests blank. The therapist says he just does not want to acheieve anything. It boils down to him being suicidal. We always keep an eye on him. He used to learn and play the guitar but his abusive stepfather did something that made Ss freak out when he saw the guitar when he was younger. Now, when he just avoids it completely. My Dh makes good money and we want to give him all the opportunities but Ss wil not let us.
Praying...take him to a Yoga
Praying...take him to a Yoga class. Maybe being in a serene quiet spiritual place will help him quiet his demons. Do not give up. Maybe sports aren't the outlet just yet, as sports can trigger all sorts of other issues, if he's not athletic the other athletes will pick on him, but something where he will need to quiet his mind like Tai Chi or Yoga or Karate would probably work wonders. Sign him up, go for one class with him, see how it goes.
If anyone can take him, it
If anyone can take him, it would have to be my Dh. he puts up such a fight for everything. Usually kids make friends fast in sports. So we thought it would help him. But it did not. I will look into the karate. I am not sure if Ss will agree but we can try.
Terribly sad for your SS.
Terribly sad for your SS. This goes to prove that custody with the BM should not be blindly granted. . .EVER!
Doesn't it make you want to
Doesn't it make you want to scream Auteur? So terribly sad and horrific.
I have screamed and cried
I have screamed and cried into my pillow many times. It is just so unfair.
So many sports are
So many sports are competetive. That may contribute to the bully attitudes of some kids. Would he maybe take an interest in writing or drawing/painting...something where he can use whatever it is in his mind & bring it out on paper or some kind art form? Something like that might help him clear his head.
When I get upset I find myself in my craft room. Creating gives me an opportunity to put whatever's in my head into a project of some kind.
There was a art therapy
There was a art therapy program that we put him in but after 2 sessions he was crying to leave. The therapist said it was not for him. So they let him go. We have tried everything that was available.
I am soooo sorry for what
I am soooo sorry for what your family has been through. It is a very difficult thing. I give you and your family so much credit for being there and sticking with it. I wonder if there is a summer camp for victims of such horrible things? Just a thought. I just read a book that had some of these same things in it (not a true story) but the victim never recovered from it. It is not fair that people think its ok to prey on children just because they have "wants and needs" They need to have the horrible things they do to children done to them and worse.
I hope and pray for your family....
Thank you for telling your story, i hope getting it all out helps you. This is a safe place to vent and say what you want and need to say.
Your ss is blessed to have a sm who cares so much....and yes like someone said above its ok to not like....my husand always says...I love you always but I may not like you always!!!! i think that is well put.
this is so sad. poor little
this is so sad. poor little guy. I posted because I wanted to let you know that I take an antidepressant, they're not horrible if you need them. it's good he has the medication, it really is.
I'm wishing you and your family well.
eta: also if he is gay and it's not a product of the abuse, it will be really hard for him too. he may doubt his orientation forever, either way. sexual abuse is a terrible thing. it causes a lot of shame and guilt for survivors. there's a support site called isurvive dot org that has a place for family members and a section about male survivors of abuse. have you been to that site at all?
xox
We have been using other
We have been using other sites and books. I will check this site out as well. Thank you so much. My Ss is not even really sure he is gay. He said he thinks he is. We were very supportive although it upset my husband. It is his son. He had a different idea of how he would grow up and be. Of course, I helped convinve him that our kids do no always grow up the way we want them to.
My best friend is a survivor
My best friend is a survivor of male-on-male sexual abuse, when he was a kid. He is a surgeon. He had a rough teenage time, but has worked through so much of the trauma, and went on to college, to be a really successful and happy person...
It might take him a long time to cope, but his dreams are by no means gone forever. He can still turn out to be whatever he wants to be in life. Having support from you and your dh makes all the difference in the world. (and yes, my friend is gay, he had a lot of issues about that but is doing very well now...it takes time.-the fact that his parents accepted him and loved him no matter what made a lot of difference...you might wanna look at some PFLAG sites as well, for support...)
He can still grow up and be everything he wants, live up to any dreams he has. He just needs understanding, and time to recover from such a terrible trauma...
I'm sending you all safe hugs and good thoughts.
I read this when you first
I read this when you first posted it but couldn't think of anything helpful to say. I'm not sure I can say much that will help now, but know that we are all pulling for you and your whole family. It's a stressful place to be when you have to keep one kid away from the rest "just in case" but you can't take the chance! Don't feel guilty or bad about that.
I'd like to tear them to shreds along with you - they would deserve it. I hope they are living in hell in prison and I hope they never get out.
You're an amazing woman.
I am keeping you and your
I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Since I read your blog I was so sad and cannot imagine what your family is going through.
You maybe alone in the situation, but you are not alone here. We are listening, praying and send you and your family healing thoughts.