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Dealing with a bitter ex, and jelous stepson

ringonit21's picture

Submitted by ringonit21 on Thu, 07/21/2011 - 6:18am

My husband and I married somewhat fast. We got married in about six months after meeting because we simply felt that we were what each other were waiting for, and we were ready to be married. He has a 10 year old boy who lives in N.Y with his mom, and they have been broken up for about 8 years.

A few days before we got married, my stepsons mom called my husband to try to get him to not get married because it was killing his son who wanted his parents to get back together. I am the type of person who can often figure people out right away, so I didn't really push for a meeting with her because I felt that she needed some time to accept our marriage. My stepson visits for the summer and on Thanksgiving, so I really don't visit where they live in N.Y. He has said little comments to me here and there like " did you and my dad get married because you were pregnant", and "when are you going to meet my mom". I am someone who can easily put 2 and 2 together, and believe deeply that I know miserable women like his mom, and I could feel that my stepson and her were communicating about anything and everything about my husband and I. Needless to say, my husband and I had a daughter, and when I was pregnant he said "oh you could still have a misscarriage" when we once spoke about how big I would get.

Every year, he has a birthday party near his home, and all of his family attends. Basically, all of his moms sisters and highschool buddies are in attendance. I told my husband right away that I really didnt feel comfortable attending his party. Some people feel that I should attend because he is my stepson, but I will never chnage my mind on that one. I strongly feel that myself, or my daughter are not going to become entertainment for a bunch of women to stare at and talk about, maybe I am insecure, but the kind of women that are there, are not exactly your ivy league bunch of women (if you catch my drift).

So, to make a long story short, my stepson recently accused me of being scared to meet his mom because I didn;t go to his party (long story on how that happened), but what he didn't know was that I had asked my husband to set up a meeting after the party, and she started to get really teary eyed, and said "I don't knw if I am ready", so I told my husband that if she is still not comfortable, then she does not have to meet me, and he told her to let him know when she is ready. So the whole thing was one big argument with me and my stepson, and my husband jumped in and told his son what really happened.

I knew that this would become an issue when he would return home to tell his mom, and now she is still saying that I am scared of her, and that I got my feelings hurt, and a bunch of other things that my husband won't tell me. At this time, I feel like I really don't care about her, or her family (I know that I need to care for my stepson), and I don't think I will ever need to meet her. I feel like she is insignificant to me, and I should just erase her from my mind as best as I can.

What I am worried about is my stepson bringing the negativety over to my house, and how he may act out because of how his mom is raising him. BTW, his mom is 34 years old.

Comments

meneran's picture

Submitted by meneran on Thu, 07/21/2011 - 6:31am

How old are you and your husband?

BTW I have never met, nor do i plan to, my SS BM. She is completely someone irrelevant to me.

paul_in_utah's picture

Submitted by paul_in_utah on Thu, 07/21/2011 - 6:51am

Pretty much my thoughts as well. DW and I married over 10 years ago. The first time we went to pick up SD from her Dad's, he started screaming at me from the porch (I stayed in the car). That is the only time he has spoken to me (or at me).

Nightshade's picture

Submitted by Nightshade on Thu, 07/21/2011 - 6:54am

Ex sounds like a drama queen out to cause only grief for you and yours. You are right to stay away. Let her think whatever she wants, like Meneran said, she is irrelevant. She is obviously feeding info to SS and he is her little "parrot". He will eventually grow to form his own opinions and make his own decisions, either way. My SD was almost 18 when DH and I started dating, her parents had been divorced 8 or 9 years and her Mom had been with the same guy as long...and she was and still is a drama queen and pain in the ass..her Mom, not so bad..LOL

Anyway, my point is, protect yourself and your daughter from this type of drama and bullshit. When you see SS, have your own Bday party for him..doesn't matter if it's his Bday or not, he has to learn that his parents are divorced and will not be spending holidays, bdays, etc together. My SD is 31 and still trying to get Mom and Dad to spend Xmas at her house(with me of course, her SD passed away many years ago)Even though there is no problem between DH, myself, and Ex, it is too weird...

Go with your gut feeling and don't give a rat's ass what the kid says..he is just Mommy's mouthpiece. Good luck!!!

caregiver1127's picture

Submitted by caregiver1127 on Thu, 07/21/2011 - 8:11am

Sorry you have to deal with this - ignore the BM - if after 8 years she is not over it and wants the son to still think they are getting back together that is her problem. Congrats on the baby girl - 6 months after I met DH we were engaged to be married we just knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We also have a DD and SS gave me a hard time about it in the beginning - unlike you he lived with us for the first 3 1/2 years of marriage - talk about a living hell. I would not meet this BM now if someone paid me - she is a drama queen and trouble maker. Too bad she can't move on!!!

Welcome to StepTalk!!

Still_Hopeful's picture

Submitted by Still_Hopeful on Thu, 07/21/2011 - 8:31am

This woman sounds like a devil! You shouldn't feel bad about not meeting her at this point. The way I see it you offered her an "olive branch" i.e an opportunity to meet you (the person who is caring for her child in her absence) and she wanted to be an over dramatic queen about it. She doesn't really want to meet you, she wants to stir things because she is a miserable person. My advice...ignore her and dodge the ugly conversation she is prompting your SS to have with you. He's a child and thinks his mother walks on water, as most children do. She is using him as a pawn in some effort to torment you and your husband. It's going to be hard, but take the high road when you can. When the SS tries to entertain conversation you know very well is coming from the EX, redirect the conversation to something else. If he continues then politely explain to him that what he wants to talk about is inappropriate conversation for a little boy and we should talk about something else. Then ask him about something he is into, movies, toys, pets, activities, just anything to get him away from the venomous negativity of his mother's game. She is doing way more damage than she could possibly imagine! She will regret these mind games when he is old enough to realize what she's doing. When he learns that mommy has used him as a tool of manipulation against you and your husband, it's going to be her under fire, not you, not your hubby. I must give you kudos for maintaining an adult attitude and not taking out your frustrations on your SS. Most people have a hard time rationalizing the fact that a child will say and do just about anything his/her parents ask of them. Truthfully, this woman has probably been trying to push you to flip out on the SS so you and your husband would split. Maybe in her pea brain if she pours enough gas on the situation it will burn. This is sad to say, me being a woman myself, but a lot women are the most manipulative, conniving, dramatic, down right cruelest people on the planet! Thank God for commonsense and good upbringing or we would probably all be little satans! Smile

ringonit21's picture

Submitted by ringonit21 on Thu, 07/21/2011 - 11:18am

Well it was refreshing to find this site and to see that I am not the only one, but I am coming to peace with everything because I realized that she just gave me a reason to never have to try and meet her or her family. It is almost like lending someone money, and then they don't give it back. Often times, that person is now out of your life because they don't want to give you the money back...that's how I feel now, she is out of my life.

Ex4life's picture

Submitted by Ex4life on Thu, 07/21/2011 - 9:32am

I would stay away. Women like that will only use any information they can scrape together from the meeting, turn it around to suit themselves then tell the kids "their" version. You will come out on the short end no matter what you do, so why add to the drama? Good for you for putting SS first.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Thu, 07/21/2011 - 9:37am

Honestly, don't bother. Keep YOUR child away from her and her craziness. YOUR child doesn't deserve it. Your SS? Well, it is her son and if she wants to screw him up, not much you can do.

Now, as far as meeting the BM, honestly, I don't see why YOU would want to. I see no reason to at all. I DO know that if DH and I got divorced and he dated or remarried someone, I would be EXTREMELY NICE TO HER and want to have a relationship of some sort with her as she would be taking care of MY son...I will never understand these pathetic women who would rather cause problems than be nice to an SMOM knowing that person is spending time with THEIR child...sigh :O

ringonit21's picture

Submitted by ringonit21 on Thu, 07/21/2011 - 11:12am

I couldn't agree with you more...I am the one that cleans up after him, feeds him, and takes him to the movies...but for all she knows, I could be a devil worshipper. I think she is the one who is scared, because there would be no way in hell that I would have my child in someones home without never having met them.

NCMilGal's picture

Submitted by NCMilGal on Thu, 07/21/2011 - 9:55am

DH and I married fast too - just over four months after meeting. We are long distance NCPs; there is 1000 miles between our home and BM's.

I have met BM seven times in five years. I do not speak to her on the phone. I do not speak to her at the skid pick-ups and drop-offs. (those seven meetings) I do not care to say a word to her, because she twists everything. According to her, I am going to hell. According to her, I act like a man. According to her, I hang all over DH just to get a rise out of her. Everything is about her. I have a wonderful relationship with her 15 yr old daughter; she's the kid I never had, and never will have. SD15 loves me in return. BM "has reservations" about letting SD15 live with us because I won't speak to BM. Nothing about how I treat her daughter, in fact, she has praised me via email. (looking to butter us up for some reason)

I can't speak to your issues with your SS. Your DH really needs to stand up for you with him. Eventually (it took SD15 and I about three years) your SS may start seeing through BM's hateful words.