Having a hard time being around my stepson now that I have my own baby
I have a 6 year old stepson, and now a 3 month old child of my own. I have always been ok with my stepson, and cared for him, and even thought I loved him like a child of my own, UNTIL I gave birth to my daughter. That moment changed everything. I have an intense love for my child and am having a difficult time even liking my stepson right now. I think part of it is that his dad, my husband, tries to overly involve him, and I feel like I'm losing that first time mom experience with my daughter because I feel judged if I do anything for her, without doing for him. I wish my husband could understand that he had that bonding period with his mom, and that all I'm asking is to have that with my daughter. His son has also had almost 7 years to be an only child on both sides.... Am I alone or wrong in my feeling this way?
I perfectly understand, my
I perfectly understand, my husband was the same way at first. You have to talk to him, it may take a few times to kick in but it will. In my case my husband felt guilty because Ss7 didn't have from his mom all the things I do for our daughter; baby books, pictures, etc... It probably is the same for him. Make him understand that no it won't be the same for your stepchild and your sorry for that but your kid shouldn't be denied the best of you because of that, your stepchild has a mother and its a mother that your husband gave him, eventually he will relize that and it will get easier. I hope that gives you some hope.
Thank you both for your
Thank you both for your responses, they are extremely helpful. I have decided that I need to take a step back and let DH be the parent to his son, and I need to take the role of being a friend, and maybe it will develop into more. I'm very motherly, and over-nurturing and have always been that way, so of course I want and will give my child the best that I can, but I think I contributed to the problem with my SS and DH because DH became used to me providing that for his son.....I purchase 90% of his clothing, make sure he's brushes his teeth, washes his face, things that DH overlooks, and even enrolls him in things like catachism, so that when it comes time for my daughter to do it, he isn't looking back saying no one did that for me. However, I think it's backfired on me cause now its expected and I can't do it no longer, SS's parents need to do that, and I will do it for my daughter.
Briarmommy, yes, I do all those special things for my daughter (pictures, baby book, momentos of her birth) and it wasn't done for my SS, but like you said, that isn't my issue, and I shouldn't be held to the low standard that his BM has set. Up until I took my daughter in for her baby pictures 2 weeks ago, and asked my DH if he had any baby pictures of his son so we can put them both up, I'd NEVER seen a baby picture of him, and DH didn't even have one, he had to ask his mom for a copy so we can make a copy. Sorry, but that's not my fault!!!
I felt the same way after my
I felt the same way after my daughter(s) were born. :sick:
DH & I got married when SD was 6 years old & we had a fairly good relationship. Now that I look back, it was only a good relationship because the world revolved around her.
Bottom line is you will always feel more for your bio-child. And do NOT feel any guilt for that!!!
Your husband is making you
Your husband is making you feel awkward around your SS, because HE is feeling anxious about SS feeling left out or like he is now loved less than the new baby. It's your husbands fault you're feeling resentful towards SS, not your stepsons, and you are right that your DH needs to step up and be more responsible for the teeth brushing basics of parenting. Even if SS were your own son your DH ought to be helping out more with him so you can focus on the demands of your baby.
When I had my first baby I created routines which involved me spending time alone with DD, so that I could get some space away from DH's well meaning but sometimes overwhelming children, so I would go off to the bedroom to feed and cuddle her for an hour, and I would also nap with her etc. Maybe you could try something like that? Then you could have some specific activities where SS IS involved - like bathtime. A 6 year old is unlikely to want to spend masses amounts of time with a baby anyway. More to the point, if your DH is worried about SS being left out what he should really be doing is focussing on spending some one-on-one quality time with him to show him he is still a priority - playing games with him and taking him out places. And that would also give you some more quality time with your daughter.
I miscarried my first and
I miscarried my first and only child ever, but was actually thankful to God because of the horrible influences my 15 yr old SD would have on my child who would have been 5 1/2 years now should he/she survived.
I love what you say about the love you have for your BD and always make her your priority over your SS, however, you will be a very wise woman to teach your SS to LOVE your baby girl as well. What do you mean by allowing your SS to be OVERLY INVOLVED? Does your H want your SS to help with baths, diaper, feedings, holding the baby or interfere with you when you are caring for the baby? If that is the case, I would gently refrain him or try to divert his attention. However, PRAISE him and encourage him to do nice things for his new SS like bring you the things that you need that would ease your load if you think he is able to do so. If you can teach him to love his new sister, now, he will be more likely to not become jealous or hateful towards her. You can teach him now to love and respect her and be her PROTECTOR - as boys have an innate need to be 'Strong' and 'Protective'. That will instill a strong sense of respect for himself and for her. Remember, when she's 6 he will be 12 and when she's 10 he will be 16 and she may need a strong and respectful big brother to go to bat for her someday. So, you want to cultivate a loving respectful relationship while he's still young - especially during this first couple of years. Now if he's getting in the way of you raising your baby girl, you can also gently divert his attention to other things - maybe like make something for his little sister, draw her pictures, or make a play dough doll for her. Even 'eat' as snack for her while he's watching a cartoon. He can write her a note and tell her the things she will get to do when she's bigger like him. I wish you all the best!