Protect the child OR PAS? For the Steps with difficult bios...
How do you walk the line between protecting your stepchild and at the same time not participating in PAS?
I keep in mind Rags' take, which is something to the effect of ... We can relay facts. They are merely facts, not good or bad... just facts.
But the reality is, the facts that many of us deal with could contribute to bad feelings for a child against a parent, or could be considered PAS.
So how do you say things to your SKids when the truth sucks, but sugarcoating or pretending it's not a truth is more hurtful to the child than the facts?
This is something my DH and I are struggling with very much right now. SD had another counseling session last night. If it was up to DH and I, we would give this kid a rest from her mom for at least a week.
SD had told me, DH, and her counselor that her father "saved" her last Friday night when we went and picked her up from her mom. All of her anxiety and the feelings that are coming out from counseling bubbled over into real life. I put it on another blog. It can sound silly but it's a sign of a larger problem. It was serious enough that SD had strong suicidal feelings again just being at home alone with her mom.
So at this point, DH and I are now in "protect the child" mode, and if BM gets hurt, so be it. But how do you express that to SD (who is wayyy too smart for all of our own good!!) without sounding like her mom is someone that she needs protection from ? I am fully convinced, after last night's session, that BM is narcissistic. I'm going to try to confirm my suspicions with the counselor, if I can. But if that's the case, there is not a lot we can do. I don't know if BM can change. And SD is too fragile emotionally for all of this. So I want to tread very carefully.
Thanks for any input!!
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Comments
Tough call........
As much as I dislike my BM, I have never let the skids know. I have never said anything bad about their mother. But, my BM is not as bad as your BM, but I think she is heading in that direction. I would hope for some feedback too on this topic.
******My daddy always said: "It's better to be a SMARTASS, than a DUMBASS!******
BM is so stupid. Why would
BM is so stupid. Why would she not think people make things homemade?? Why even start a fight over that anyway? Some people...
It is a hard line to
It is a hard line to follow.
I had to tell SD10 that her father was very upset that she said the SF told her he was taking her hunting for the first time.
This my H has been planning on since she was born and SF stepped right in without asking my H first. My H was furious.
I told SD that SF is a "fill in" just like me. She needs to ask Dad first. SF is not right to constantly take H spot with out consulting him first--I don't do that with her mom. I always have SD ask BM first--if she can't I fill in.....
I was not trying to talk bad about them--just telling her she should ask her dad first....he was really hurt. BM is so concerned about boundries between her and I but allows her H to walk all over my H. Not anymore.....
It's so tough!
It's so hard to not join in when SDs are complaining about BM, but on the other hand, they're figuring things out about her on their own. Even at 12 and 14, they know that the people with whom she socializes aren't good. A lot of them have been in and out of jail and have very lengthy rap sheets. She's friends with a lot of them on MySpace. She's "engaged" to one right now! :sick:
She chooses these "people" (and I use the term very loosely) over her girls!
There have been times when we've had to talk to them about BM but we always did it in front of their counselor and in a way that bashed BM as little as humanly possible. We talked to the counselor about how to answer questions of the SDs' about BM in a way that bashed BM as little as possible. That helped us out a lot.