The search begins
Today I begin my search for peace within our family. So much has happened since yesterday alone that has triggered a desperate need to resolve the issues plaguing what could be a happy, functioning, blended family unit. I'm sad, stressed and torn between my Bios and HS (the stepfather)(sorry not too sure on the abbreviations yet.
I spent my morning train ride searching the internet for step family advice and came oaccros this site(phew) I also sent the link to my HS so that he may have a place to vent & get advice.
Background info:
Husband: Never had any children - never married
Children: BD17, BD8 & BS19
XH: violent, psycho, drug addicted AHole, rarely turns up for scheduled visits with children...etc etc }:)
ME: Stuck in the middle of a war between my husband & teenage children 
So my husband & I try to set house rules and be as fair as possible with the rules & repercussion. We have only asked for reasonable things, like respect each other, pay board for the older ones, clean up after yourself, respect the age/neesd of the younger child in the house. I'll post the full house rules in another post.
The major issue now is that my 2 older teenagers have declared war on my husband, they have decided that any decision I make regarding them is a result of him brainwashing or manipulating me somehow.
they treat him like dirt and will now barely speak to him. If they do speak to him they are incredibly rude.
My poor HS is now uncomforatable in his own home. I do not know how to fix this.
I feel as though I am stuck in the middle.
I have guilt from my previous relationship and all the trauma that my children went through and therefore I think that I am not as hard as I should be on them because of that - I know that they are taking advantage of this and using it to manipluate me - whether they realise it or not.
Me BS is now being beyond rude & displaying violent outbursts and making threats to my husband. He speaks and sends me the nastiest txt messages when he is arguing with me. I don't know what to do anymore.
His sister BS adores him and therefore goes along with whatever he is carrying on about & joins in the drama.
I often find myself stuck out of the house with my 8yrs old BD because I do not want to take her home to be traumatised by the drama that will occur over various issues.
I will have to get back to work and post about the issues yesterday to give a basic idea of what i am dealing with here.
Please help
- Wonder_Woman.AU's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Your older children have
Your older children have declared war on your husband? If I read your post correctly-they are 17 and 19?
Step 1 - kick the 19 year old out. If he/she can't follow the house rules then they are out on their keister. Call the cops if he is violent. YOU and your FAMILY must be protected from being bullied by some snot-nosed teenager.
Step 2 - lay down the law - HARD. Look Mom - YOU have got to step up and be the boss. These - are YOUR kids that are being complete assholes to you and your husband. This is YOUR problem. Not your husband's. Explain to your next oldest kid that if he/she doesn't shape up - they are out too. I'm assuming the 17 yr old is in high school still yes? He/she has to be working as well. If not, day after HS graduation or the 18th bday - whichever comes first has them OUT.
Step 3 - start putting rules and guidelines on your youngest. He/she has now witnessed complete and total melt down of the family. In 4 years they will be pulling the same stunts.
Step 4 - apologize to your husband for being such a crummy parent for so long and allowing your KIDS to treat an adult so poorly. An adult you claim to love and cherish. Imagine how crappy these kids treat adults you don't care about??? How do you think these kids are going to be a success in life?
Step 5 - Get some therapy or support group. If your ex is an addict - you could probably use Ala-non. or something like that.
Step 6 - repeat step 4. I'm guessing your husband is about ready to kick you all to the curb. I know I would be.
Step 7 - send your husband here, we'll help him help you.
Good luck.
Thanks for that. You're
Thanks for that. You're right!
And I sent my husband the link to this site as soon as I found it this morning.
I am actually becomming nervous of my sons behaviour (scared?, scared on many levels, of what he is doing to me, hubby & the little & what he is doing to his own future.
When I met HS and moved in with him only the 2 girls came with me. BS refused to move the 1hr journey away from his GF, band and then he was still in his final year at school. So we all agreed that he could live with my mother until he finished school. It made sense to let him finish the year of school & exams.
My mother has not laid out the rules or disciplined him since he has been there, she has made excuses for this kind of behaviour and allowed him to be treated like a supposed adult, running his own affairs while he is with her.
She will argue with me and side with his point of view and mollycoddle him when I try to lay down the law.
Now that he has moved back in with us if I try to lay down any rules or discipline I am met with these crazy outbursts and any repercussions I give don't matter as he will run back to Granny's house to be consoled & his bevhaviour justified.
Extremely frustrating!
My 17yr old BS has been reasonable and has always had the rules and repercussion reinforced - such as removal of phone priveledges etc and has had an OK relationship for a teenager, with my HS, that is until my BS is around.
And You're very right about the little one BS8, she has been parented by my HS since she was 2yrs and is very close with him now, but she is seeing the behaviour and becomming influenced to say bad things about my HS, which I can tell she instantly feels guilty for and I immediately tell her it is wrong.
I have been trying to find a centre for family counselling as a last ditch effort to make things work.
I don't want to be the evil parent who threw my children out on the street.
I am honestly feeling trapped and hopeless. Mother's aren't supposed to be hopeless.
Yesterday We have been
Yesterday
We have been warning my BS 19yrs for 3mths to take care of his large dog. He does not buy food,walk it, train it, barely spend time with it; therefore the dog is losing its mind and destroying our yeard, house, washing and attacking our smaller dogs.
Finally we lost patience and told him that the dog had to go. It could not stay at our house anymore. He did nothing to find it a home - just ignored us.
Yesterday I found the dog a very good home. I informed him that morning that a lovely couple would be taking the dog later that day & reminded him that it was for the best as no one in the house has time to give it the care and attention it needs. It was the kindest thing to do for the sake of the dog.
BS gets home from work several hours before I do. He noticed his dog was actually gone and spent the afternoon sending violent. threatening, nasty text messages to mine & my HS phones.
He also made several yelling, abusive calls to me.
TXt Sample:
I am going to do absolutely everything in my power to destroy this family, starting with (HS), good luck looking after him when he's a paraplegic, and you, well you can forget your business, you won't get to work for that matter cos I'm going to F*** both of your cars. I can't belive you did this to me. I F***ing hate you.
TXT Sample 2:
F*** off with your excuses. your a F***Wit and you and (HS), as far as Im concerned are F****ed. I won't stop until (HS) is hospitalised and you have no job, no money and no life. Consider yourselves dead to me.
He then found the phone number of the people I gave the dog to and called them demanding the dog back.
The situation kept going and going until he demaded that I pay him money for the dog so that he would leave the people alone and not go to take the dog from them.
It's beyond BAD now!
It has to stop today! I need advice on what to do/say tonight.
I have tried family meetings - rules boards. I jsut want to run away with my husband & the little one. :O
Call the police and have his
Call the police and have his ass arrested before he hurts someone. He sounds demented or high as a kite. Either way, he MUST go. Today.