I am a BM - help me support my husband - the evil stepfather
:jawdrop:
Yep as a BM i have dared to brave the forum of the step parents.
Not to criticise though. I genuinely admire the situations you are all willing to be in to be with the persin that you love. A lot of you trying so gard to live and support the skids tgat came along with them.
If my children ever had to have a SM for weekend visits etc i would be grateful to have a woman who was kind, patient & living to my children & would expect my children to treat her with repect, care & appreciation. If she were to ever abuse my children all hell would rain upon her, but certainly not for geberal childcare reasons etc. i
Sure any parent or step parent feels the same about any children.
Anyway my point is that i want advice & tips on supporting my hs in relation to my teenage children- hus teen skids.
I want everything to be fair fir everyone concerned.
My hs has made some mistakes with lying to me about some serious issues and the teens worked out what was going on. They hold this against him.
I believe its not their business to judge my marriage & our issues are our adult issues and not for them to comment on no matter what they heard!
Please comment with anything you think would help you as a step parent from the bm or so who is your partner in raising the skids.
Thanks
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Ooo sorry i typed the message
Ooo sorry i typed the message from my ph
I suggest you continue to
I suggest you continue to tell your teens that whatever issues are going on in your marriage, it is between you and your husband, and does not concern them. Do not allow them to get in between you two and create further tension.
Try to always present a united front and back each other up, and whatever you do, do not confide in your teens about problems between you and your husband. If necessary, you and he should have counselling together over the lying issues, but DON't involve your children.
^^^ This! They need to
^^^ This! They need to understand that you marriage is your and your DH's business and not of concern to them. Keep that united front.
I think that your willingness
I think that your willingness to recognize that your marriage is between you & your DH will give him a lot of support that many stepparents don't get in their situations. I think that if you can communicate that to your kids it will help your home immensely.
Do your kids & your DH get along for the most part or is there a lot of conflict between them?
Do keep in mind that there are a lot of hurt & angry stepparents who vent their very honest hurt & angry feelings here about BM's & about stepkids. Not to suggest you aren't welcome here. Just as you look to benefit from getting a view from the stepparent side, many of us look to benefit from getting a view from the bio-parent side. Just be aware that you will read some very harsh & unpleasant things here.
How did your teens find out
How did your teens find out about these issues? I think that is a place to start. Unless you argue about these issues in front of your kids or you tell them directly, I don't see how they would find out. They normally find out because many single parents, even if they later remarry, use the older kids as "their emotional dumping ground.". They tell them things that are not their business. They tell them when the stepfather or other mate, etc. has hurt them and find "comfort" in their children when they are hurt. Then, they don't want the kids to "hold it against the other person once they make up." I am not saying this is 100% your situation, but I have seen it over and over again. Heck, my DH used to say things to his stupid family...and I figured out real quick that 75% of the issues I had with THEM were directly related to the fact that when he was mad at me, he'd run to them for support...then, when we made up, his family still had it against me. Then of course, he played the victim trying to tell me that he had said nothing, etc and they were just mean, but maybe I should just apologize, ignore them, etc...until one day I told him very clearly...
"You know what? I am 99.9% convinced that MANY of the issues I have had with your freaking family, for which YOU defended them, for which YOU DID NOT stand up for me, etc...were because when you got ticked at me YOU went and told them our PERSONAL business. Then when we were happy again, it of course would have looked really bad for you to say to them in front of me STOP IT...leave her alone...because we all know, that YOU would have been made the fool. Instead, in your need to find comfort outside OUR marriage, you scre@#$#@$ed me over. You are just as guilty as your family, if not MORE SO...than they are. You have never had any issues with my family because I never ran to my mommy, daddy or other family and told them the crap you pulled on me. That's why. So from now on, if they give me crap, I am going to blame YOU 100%. Because if You did not feed them the info, then you would stand behind me 100% and IN FRONT OF ME AND THEM defend me and demand respect. If you don't do it, it's because you are afraid to get caught."
Guess what? We have not had any issues any more regarding his family. Yes, they still try because of old crap...but he now stands up for me and he now has no problem telling them where to go.
So, please take a look at YOUR relationship with your kids first and determine how much you have contributed towards their anger towards their step-father. Stop doing anything that could give them more ammunition to hate him. It may take a while, but it will get better if you keep your issues among you and your DH.
PS - keep issues away from YOUR family as well...if you confide in your mother and your mother sides with your kids, she WILL tell them anyway...find other people you can talk to that have NO RELATIONSHIP to your kids/family, etc. at all
Good luck!
Your blogs are confusing the
Your blogs are confusing the hell out of me. Your son is violent, belligerent, rude and incapable of following house rules. Your daughter is following closely behind him. One blog blames an issue between you and your husband for some of the behavior. Another blames the gma for not having any rules / discipline while your son stayed with her.
My guess? You've let these kids run your life for quite a long time and they're now unhappy with a new person stepping in. On top of that, they see any new "groundrules" as coming from him and not you. Furthermore, you're trying to placate both sides. Either your dh did something terrible and your kids know about it OR you're making him the scapegoat to avoid taking responsibility for your kids' behavior.
Either way, it is totally unacceptable for your 19 year old kid to disrespect another adult in his own home, but hey, you don't make him respect you so why would he respect your dh? There is NO excuse for BS19's behavior. NONE. I don't care what your dh did. If you forgave him, your son's feelings about it are not justification for shitty behavior in your dh's home. You want to support your dh? Throw your kid out because that is the only way he is going to get the message that he isn't in charge.
Ahhh... For some reason I was
Ahhh...
For some reason I was thinking this was a first blog. I didn't realize there was more information.
As a bm and sm, I totally
As a bm and sm, I totally understand your frustrations! My kids are younger and I have the problem of talking in front of them about problems.you have to also tell them that everyone has marital problems!Its not anything to get all worked up over,it's over and done with!As far as the equality that's something that will come in time.If you don't think it's fair then you just make up for it yourself!
After reading your other
After reading your other blogs I think you have already had some excellent advice.
I find that many adult skids will find any excuse possible to commence and or continue their tirade of abuse and violence against their stepparent, in my opinion this is EXACTLY what your children are doing now. Grasping onto personal matters in order to manipulate, guilt and twist things to make themselves look the victim and justify their behaviour. NOTHING excuses violence and threats, and I feel so sorry for your DH (your husband) if he has having to live in a home whereby an adult male is wrecking his house and leaving everyone feel on edge! That is no way to live, plus your BS is influencing your BD17 and impacting on your little one.
I dont know what your DH lied about or what his motivation was, perhaps there already was underlying issues between the skids and your DH which influenced his decision to lie to you? Not saying that is acceptable at all, just speculating as you arent specific about that.
You mention your teens worked out that DH had lied to you about things, well WTH has it got to do with them? I understand that they will have a POV on the subject and lets be honest, I know I would have an opinion on the matter if my mother's partner lied to her. However, ultimately your BS has a choice in the matter...he doesnt have to like your DH, accept the fact he lied to you and approve of that fact BUT he does have to act with respect while he is living under yours and DH's roof. If he finds he is unable to do this or is having difficulty reconciling himself with the fact you have forgiven your DH for the blip in your relaitonship, then at 19 he is quite able to MOVE OUT. He has a choice - act in x manner or leave. Same for your DD17.
I am going to get straight to the point. You admit you have guilt parented them and they have taken advantage of that (which imo is usual if a parent allows themselves to be manipulated). Their father's behaviour and history may have influenced their own behaviour...you mention your ex was violent...did your older kids see this? Sounds like you really have not helped your children have boundaries in relation to how far they can go with how they behave, the fact they do NOT get to run your life and tbh it does sound like they think the world revolves around them! The fact your DD17 demands you buy her an apartment when you move, so she can continue her education is hilarious!! She DEMANDS you and DH buy her this? :jawdrop: I hope you laughed in her face as both your kids needs a serious reality check.
1) If they dont think they have to abide by the rules of the house...a house which you and DH finance...then they have the choice to move. They can get jobs and leave. Its not brain surgery.
2) They seem to think they can make insane demands of you and DH, even though they apparently dislike DH, I am not quite sure how they process that with the fact they are actually also being supported by him too!
3) As IF anyone would WANT to buy/finance anything for adults who treat you, your home and partner with violence and abuse! The fact your kids arent connecting their behaviour with consequences and their outrageous demands is gobsmacking! Are they serious?!!!
I would like to add that I read in your other blog that you felt you were put inbetween your kids and your DH. You have HELPED create this situation with your inability to put in place and retain firm clear consistent boundaries for your home and your relationships. You have failed to be strict with them from word go of their nonsense. What exactly has been the consequences to your BS violence? If you dont act immediately then you are inadvertantly nuturing that behaviour as that person knows they can get away with it! Your kids have declared war on your DH and unless he has been abusive to them, I do not see how this is acceptable. Your CHILDREN are placing you in this situation by the sounds of it, not your DH. You have choosen to remain with DH, you have choosen your mate...not over your children but to be with while they move on with their lives. So imo you have already choosen whose "side" to be on, so its time to be strong and actually DO something about your kids behaviours NOW.
P.S. got to say I was quite surprised you mentioned how you would react if a SM abused your kids. Not sure WHY that comment was necessary as I found it insulting. Most of us have NEVER abused our skids, in fact in order to accommodate our husbands/wives happiness and children in OUR lives (which are no less valuable than the skids) WE have been the abused ones. The victims. You know, just like your DH is having to endure threats and being terrorised in his own home by your kids...
Thank you for your comment
Thank you for your comment Delilah.
You are right on so many accounts.
The rules we have created are very similar to what you have outlined in your comment.
This time the family meeting and rules are only going one way - OUR WAY!
My DH has joined the board and was very happy with the comments and will no doubt have some input too.
I'm glad he has some support and a place to vent. I'm quite happy for him to get on here and vent his true feeling about the skids. I'm sure he has some very angry feelings towards my son that he needs to get off his chest.
I am going to support him & get my act together with parenting these young adults.
As someone else mention in the comments - so many people do not act on the advice that is offered. I've been guilty of that for a while now. When we have set rules and boundaries I have made excuses and allowed for the situation to escalate to where it is now.
God knows why I thought it would just sort itself out. :?
I think I was avoiding the conflict but unfortunately my DH & BD8 have been suffering dearly for it. Not to mention that my older 2 are also suffering, they are failing to be decent young adults.
I'll post our final rules and the outcome of family meeting after the weekend.
^^^^ arent most of us
^^^^ arent most of us reasonable BM's? very rarely do i hear one of us bitch about OUR ex's
on an advice front please do me a favor, take the advice you have gotten. uve already referred ur DH here which is a great start but own your part of this.
and take the advice, please dont be yet another parent who hears it, agree's with it the second it is explained, then sets a course of action and then when the going gets tough you bail on the course of action.
dh recently did just this, sat with sd counselor, agreed the problem is larger then life, was given tools to deal with it, was told that once the tools were used it was going to get really rough here for him for a while because sd was going to outwardly hate him,( and no longer view me as the bad guy but view him as the bad guy for acutally parenting) but that it would eventually get better and so would sd. we started down the path dh was doing great, then when the going for tough, he bailed. when he bailed he bailed on a commitment with ME for the course of action, which makes me feel not valued and disposable...which damaged our marriage.
hopefully in time we can restore that trust we once had but right now i can not tell you how much it damaged us.
so when the going gets tough, dont bail on your spouse or your kids
I see that a lot of SM's have
I see that a lot of SM's have taken my comment regarding what i would do if a anyone abused my children. I did not mean this as a statement to SM's i was merely stating to make a point that i would do my utmost to be supportive of a stepparent or SO in my childrens lives unless they were to be abusive ect
I am sure that anyone with a close relationship with any child would feel the same.
I can see how this comment was taken out of context & for that SM's i am sorry.
I DO agree with some if the comments that my teens are horrible & right now i would not want to subject an innocent SM to their behaviour.
Im disgusted with them & disgusted with me.
As a parent i've made many mistakes, no parent is perfect. I am a soft touch & thought i was doing the right thing - obviously not
My X was violent & yes my son grew up witnessing this. My sons behaviour is now very much like my X's tantrums & behaviour.
My HS lied about internet affairs, they did not eventuate into physical affairs but were online emotional affairs. We have moved passed this & its none of the teens business. BD heard me & HS argueing about it in our bedroom late at night. I assumed she was asleep
Last night HS & I decided to put in the united front & will be having a family meeting where OUR rules will be set & there will be no discussions about them. OUR rules or leave!
GM can continue to support & justify their crap if she chooses - she can put up with it in her home after they run to her.
Id also like to thank u all for being so blunt with me. I cannot continue to make excuses. I've created a mess with my sooky, guilty parenting and now i need to deal with it.
If u know a guilty sooky stupid parent then you will understand its not easy.
I am not an assertive person with life in general. But im working on it
ok first of hi , id be the
ok first of hi , id be the Dh in question here , at least i think i am, I’m not completely up to date with theses terms
just thought i should introduce myself , and thank you all for the advise , it looks like it might be helpful ,
my wife and I are coming up with a list of rules , to set down together
in truth im not convinced this will work , but am willing to give it a final go for the sake of our Relationship , mostly because I don’t want there to be an issues latter on with my flat-out saying he has to go , and then it being viewed as being my fault
i still feel that it would only be a matter of time before something happens again as i have yet to see any real change in past attempts
i do find that i feel my wife is too soft on them sometimes, and the resulting behavior has shown this to both of us, but trying to be firm has only back fired on me and made me out to be the evil step parent , so that now when she tries to be firm , its just seem to them as my manipulating of the situation
i still believe my SD17 can be reasonable,( at times) and some issues with her behavior may be changed, but I do see , a similar disrespect for people in general from her, that seriously need to be addressed, but I don't think this is possible while SS19 is in here ear constantly about his perceived reality
as for SD8 i think without the older two we make a good family together... though i am a bit fearful of her following in the same path as her sibling if some rules and consequences are not enforced ,
i have been trying to be more flexible with her , as perhaps i have ben trying too hard to not let her go down the same path, and too strict , but i hope my wife will be looking to this and we can find a middle ground we need for her benefit. but that is an issue for latter as we have a more pressing situation.
im my opinion , SS19 need to go because he wont take responsibility for his behavior while here and I am reluctant but willing to pay bond for him to get a place
SD 17 needs to make and effort and seriously prepare to become and adult
we can chose to put aside what was said in anger and the threats made , but I don't think we should forget or let them ignore that they did say it, as they are issues that will return