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Happiness & Joy, honestly were you happy before?

sweetthing's picture

Submitted by sweetthing on Mon, 02/28/2011 - 8:59am

I am doing some soul searching these days, trying to reclaim who I think I once was & who I would like to be. Have I always been unhappy but just less unhappy & miserable than I am now having been zapped of all my resilance, & energy by my husband? My husband claims that I am just a miserable bitch who has to have someone to blame for my unhappiness, it couldn't be his lazy soul sucking draining me of any resiliance I may have. Is that the truth or is it my bipolar spouse ( he is diagnosed & medicated) saying this rather than accepting responsibility for draining me of caring because I do everything to keep our household running from cooking, cleaning, laundry, snowblowing, lawncare & child care?

How about the rest of you, do you honestly think you were a better, more joyful person before your spouse & current situation?

Comments

2timemom's picture

Submitted by 2timemom on Mon, 02/28/2011 - 9:33am

I agree with krisnkids,you need to ignore the hatefull comments,they will only bring you down and feel bad about yourself.
If you dont like where you are then change it,you deserve that,life is about choice's,and it is far to short to be unhappy,we only get one life.
I was in that situation,but now I changed it,I am more happier with the choice that I made,there just comes a time when you just can't take it anymore,you can either stay and be unhappy,or live and be happy.

Life is about choices..

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Mon, 02/28/2011 - 9:53am

I don't know. I have noticed that I hardly laugh anymore and that the slightest thing gets to me more than it should. Is that me or the situation? Not sure. For example, last night, BD4 was eating her dinner and complaining. She's very bad about trying new things. She had one piece of broccoli on her plate, but she didn't want to eat it. I told her she had to. DH went and ate it for her. Then claimed he didn't KNOW it was her only piece of broccoli. So I told her no ice cream for dessert (that's what she was trying to get). So DH told her (right in front of me) that she shouldn't have TOLD me that he ate her broccoli for her. Which to me is encouraging her to lie, and we already have a problem with her lying. So I was quite mad at him last night. Was it a big deal? Probably not in and of itself, but it WAS big as a symptom of the larger problems within our marriage.

sweetthing's picture

Submitted by sweetthing on Mon, 02/28/2011 - 12:50pm

Elizabeth, After all the years we have been on here, I think your husband does not have the first freaking clue on how to be a parent. To tell your own child to lie to you about broccoli? WTF. You should start watching episodes on SNapped infront of him & scare him. :)( DH doesn't like it when I watch shows where the angry wife does the husband in.

In the book I am reading they talk about of resiliance to overcome things, that we need to think about our resiliance as a tank that can be refilled. I know that DH tells me that I over react & get upset over things that I know previously wouldn't have bothered me as much. I know it's because this marriage & having to take care of DH has drained my tank.

dragonfly5's picture

Submitted by dragonfly5 on Mon, 02/28/2011 - 10:05am

When I told my husband I was done and he needed to move out it was like a weight had been lifted off of me. I could not believe how happy I instantly was. Like you, the drama, negativity, and all the work had take it toll on me. What you describe was me in my 27 yr marriage! I have been divorced 3yrs now. I may never marry again, the word marriage doesn't have a good connotation for me. MY SO wants me to marry him but he is willing to wait until I am ready...and he knows that day may never come. He said he would rather have some of me than none.

I am happy, really happy. I have met a man who takes responsibility for his own actions. Can function on his own doesn't need a baby sitter or Mamma to take care of him. Does what he says he will do. We have been together for 2yrs. He loves me, respects me, treats me like gold. Tells me often how much he loves me and wants to make me happy and guess what? His actions match his words.

Get out sweetie! There are real men out there! Things are not perfect..he has an ex..who is crazy and 2 kids.
(Mine is grown). But he is so worth it.

By the way he actually parents his kids! They are polite, nice, and well behaved. And I actually like them. Amazing isn't it?

Life is too short to live with someone who is unhappy and wants to blame you for their bad choices and their unhappiness. I wish I would have realized that much sooner!

sweetthing's picture

Submitted by sweetthing on Mon, 02/28/2011 - 12:38pm

I take DH's words with a grain of salt. I am in the process of reading the Chemistry of Joy, The nine rooms of happiness, and a couple of other good books & started seeing my therapist again. I want to be happy again, I can't change him but I can change me.

skylarksms's picture

Submitted by skylarksms on Mon, 02/28/2011 - 3:34pm

I thought I was unhappy before I got married. It wasn't truly unhappiness. It was stress of being a single mom with no CS trying my best to raise my DS.

When we first got married, finances were really tight. At least until I started getting involved with the court hearings for CS. Then it was a little better (CS was a manageable amount) but his drinking still ate up more of our income than I would like.

Now I have come to realize that I would MUCH rather have a little money stress than dealing with the issues I have now!

I'm sure I will deal with my paychecks just FINE by myself; even if I have to scrimp to make it!

overit2's picture

Submitted by overit2 on Mon, 02/28/2011 - 3:41pm

I know I was at my unhappiest point when I was married to my exh-who made comments much like yours is also right now. I was happy as a clam when I got out of it...yes the stress of single parenting was tough but I was still happy-got a lot of myself back.

I'm in a situation now where I'm happy, in love and laugh a lot and enjoy it a lot-BUT there is also exdrama-stress and such. It doesn't weigh heavier then the happy moments though-I try to stay focused on that.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 02/28/2011 - 4:45pm

With the reasonably brief exception of my 2.5yr marriage to my XW I have always been a happy person.

I choose to be.

I lost track of the Rags I like being during my first marriage but have stayed in touch with him for the four years I was divorced and have during this marriage.

My wife and I stay on the same page for the most part though she definitely bears the majority of the household management burden in addition to her own very successful professional career.

As our careers have progressed I have insisted on outsourcing the obvious stuff that neither of us cares or has time to do. Lawn care, laundry (except for casual and under wear), snow removal (when we lived up North), etc...

Once SS reports to basic training (April 12th) I will be finding a maid service to do the basic house cleaning (floors, windows, dusting, bathrooms). That will leave the dishes and the basic pick up for my wife and I to do. Of course she will remind me for years about how she did the majority of the household management stuff ..... and she will be perfectly correct.

I am hoping that frequent vacations, jewelry installments, and umbrella drinks served by hot cabana boys will shorten her memory of my failings as a household work contributor.