Somewhat OT - DH female friend wants to "share" with him over lunch or drinks
DH has a good friend that had a longtime GF (say 10 years). So obviously he's friends with her too. We heard recently they broke up. Most of the time DH knew them he was single. We've been married 2 years now. Anyway she texted DH over the weekend would he meet her for lunch or drinks she has something to "share" with him. He said well he guessed he better go. But I reminded him how when we got married he said he didn't agree with married people having solo time with members of the opposite sex unless for business. I reminded him of that. He was all "well I HAVE to go."
To me, no he doesn't. His primary friend is the guy, not his ex. Nothing good will come of this sharing. And I don't appreciate some other woman thinking she can take my husband out one on one and share something private with him. Maybe it's having to share my husband in so many other ways because of step life, when it's not steplife related I just say no. What do you all think?
- WokeUpABug's blog
- Log in to post comments
Comments
^^^^^^^^^^THIS
^^^^^^^^^^THIS 100%^^^^^^^^^^^
If the TWO of you have socialized with them then the TWO of you can go meet up with her. Or, she can be told "no"
This doesn't pass the smell test.
No no and no. So your
No no and no.
So your husband is completely discounting what you think and not even considering how his own friend would feel knowing he is meeting to chat it up with his ex.
I would tell friend that his ex is wanting to meet with your dh alone because she has something to tell him. Have the friend call out dh on meeting with the ex.
I also call shenanigans. Any adult woman would not want her husband to meet up with another woman for drinks, especially newly single. Your husband is an a** if he doesn't see that.
I hate it when other people
I hate it when other people intervene in my personal life. I know it's a risk, because giving up control means accepting I might get hurt, but I'd rather trust my partner than set limitations on his relationships with third parties. And I'd rather be trusted.
But sometimes people get into tit-for-tat situations, where they feel they've sacrificed too much and so they turn around and demand that their partner start sacrificing left right and centre until things even out. Usually there's a lot of conflict involved. If that's your situation, it's really easier to just stop doing/giving as much as you have been. Always take care of yourself first. And it's easier to just start asking for what you want from your partner. What YOU want.
Because when your DH told you he didn't think you should have alone time with your male friends, he was telling you that he wasn't willing to trust in your relationship, and that he wanted you to change yourself into someone he thinks he would like better. Is that the message you want to send him back, now?
Or is your message, "DH, we don't have enough time together ourselves. How about we go together, and if she really feels uncomfortable speaking openly in front of me, then I can go for a walk while you two chat. Because I would enjoy your company just for the drive up to see her."
Men seem to be completely
Men seem to be completely oblivious. It is her I wouldn't trust, and I have seen in my long life, that most men are weak. Sad but true. I have read that most men have affairs simply because of opportunity, most of the time a man will say he found his partner to be more attractive.
Women on the other hand tend to affair up. Meaning they will have an affair that has more money, is more powerful, is much more attractive, or someone who meets her emotional needs.
Just not an option in my
Just not an option in my world. Perhaps delusional, but I truly believe my DH thinks I wake up in the morning and hang out the sun. He just would not respond, he knows our marriage would be over and he has a wonderful life with me. I know he's happy, he tells me several times a day (and has since the day he met me).
It's not even about not risking our relationship, it's that the 'thrill' of someone else finding him/me attractive doesn't even come close to the daily dose of having a cup of tea together and chatting about the day.
Love is boring. Lust is exciting. The trick is to find them both in the same person, then hitch your wagon to that star and hang on tight. And TELL THEM, all the time, in words and deed, what you feel and that you admire them.
Mr. Bug - dont be an a$$hat.
Mr. Bug -
dont be an a$$hat. either dont go, or take your WIFE with you. there is NEVER ANY good reason for solo time w/ a member of the opposite unless it's strictly work-related.
again, dont be an a$$hat.
sincerely yours,
Tuff
Do you really believe that?
Do you really believe that? Because I have tons of male friends, and it's never been an issue. Good friends are so hard to come by, I won't exclude half the world because my DH has issues. And my DH has friends I don't know, doesn't bother me. The one situation that did bother me was when his ex suggested he come over to her country for Formula racing and that since hotel rooms were in short supply they'd have to share.
And I would have a problem with any woman, ex or just friend, who made that suggestion to a man involved with someone else. But I think that's a far different kettle of fish from wanting to meet up with a friend for a coffee or drinks.
yes, moe, i really do. i can
yes, moe, i really do. i can be very old-fashioned in some of my opinions, i do admit that. to me it's not a trust issue, it's a respect issue.
when you see a male and female out together, the impression the vast majority of people have is that they're either "together together" or at the very least getting to know eachother "that" way. i wouldnt give anyone that impression regarding myself and ANYONE other than my dear husband. NOPE. not gonna happen.
also too, people are not perfect. i trust my dh, and he trusts me. we trust that if any "friends" were to get any ideas about something further than friends, it would be squashed immediately. it's the "others" we dont trust. there's no point in even giving a window of opportunity for someone to get a wrong idea.
i dont "preach" about it, to each his/her own. but this is how dh and i both feel.
I must be old fashion as
I must be old fashion as well. I agree 100%. I have male friends, but we don't go to drinks or out to eat just the two of us. Inappropriate allllll over the place.
I don't think it's old
I don't think it's old fashioned, I'm just surprised. I know my character and so does my spouse, so having relationships with people who have bumps in different places is not a threat. And what other people think is not a threat either. If it were, I wouldn't be with DH. Not that I don't understand your opinions and values, I do. I just see things differently.
That being said, what y'all (I'm not from the South, I just wanted to pluralize the 'you', lol!) said about the ex-GF of the friend being an acquaintance-friend due to the friend, and not actually a friend on her own - that makes all the difference. I would find it very weird if, for example, my sister's ex-DH were to call me up to talk. Because while he's married to my sister, he's family and included, and when he's not... then what does he want from me? Weird. (My sister isn't divorced, but if she were...)
Thanks Tuff, this is my
Thanks Tuff, this is my thinking as well. It's more of a respect issue than a trust issue. In fact, when DH first told me he didn't think married people should be out in public alone with members of the opposite sex it was exactly to avoid other people getting the wrong idea. Not because there was anything actually going on.
To be fair, over the years they have developed an independent friendship. So I would say they are truly friends. But it rubs me the wrong way her texting my DH, inviting him to lunch or drinks (without me), and being cagey about what exactly she wanted to "share." I have good male friends too. Now that they are married I socialize with them together with their spouses. I would not presume to invite one out solo.
"But it rubs me the wrong way
"But it rubs me the wrong way her texting my DH, inviting him to lunch or drinks (without me), and being cagey about what exactly she wanted to "share.""
yup. that's definitely hinky. for all he knows she could be planning to make a move on him - i dont know why he feels the need to go. if he's got this burning desire to know what it possibly could be, then sure, make the plans, xyz place at abc time, then as a final response say "ok great, we'll see you then."
I agree with Tuff here. It
I agree with Tuff here. It sounds like the thing she's planning to "share" is that she has the hots for your dh and wants to fool around with him. She's fishing for sure.
I'm curious what she has to
I'm curious what she has to share that she has to meet up with your DH in person. Hmmm.
I'd test her; I'd have your DH tentatively agree to meet up with her and say that you're coming along too to see what she says.
I would have no problem with
I would have no problem with it but know my DH would not go since he has no interest in meeting with other women and their personal drama .
This is my policy, too. I
This is my policy, too. I have one friend that I used to date in high school, but we have been friends for over 35 years. DH knows who he is because we all went to high school together. Doesn't know him well, because he is older than me and DH is younger than me.
It makes DH insane that I spend time with him. His older brother, also a friend forever, lives in my town and his kid is in the marching band with ASS. We sit with older brother and his wife at football games. Sometimes, my friend comes, but not often because he lives in Manhattan.
It makes DH nuts -which makes no sense to me....I understand that DH slept with others before me, and I am not the least bit jealous. DH is trying to understand me, but he has a hard time with it.
The whole thing sounds shady
The whole thing sounds shady to me. Not on his part. What does she have to say to him in person that she can't say over the phone or email and why does it require him being alone to do it?
I would not have a problem.
I would not have a problem. If it became a habit, well, then that is a problem. If going out with a woman one time is a treat, then the marriage was not that strong to begin with.
My guess is she is going to tell him she is pregnant and his friend wants nothing to do with the kid or some dirt about his friend he never knew. Basically trying to get him on her side.
Meh...DH and I have an
Meh...DH and I have an agreement. We don't date other people. So, yea, this would not work for us.
You are right about the bro
You are right about the bro code. Not only is he disrespecting his own wife, but his original friend as well. I have male friends that I have known long before they knew their wives. But if any of their wives had an issue with them talking or going out with me, I would respect my friends marriage completely.
Bro code is true. My hubby
Bro code is true. My hubby would not go due to the bro code. But I would not tell him if he could go or not.
She just wants to be able to
She just wants to be able to hang your DH as* out to his nest friend.
I can hear her now "well, when I met with _____, he was very surprised to hear you had _____."
She is using your DH to get an angle on her ex and to make him jealous. AND how is your DH going to explain WHY he met her out to his BF?