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According to "Expert" on the Today Show, if we are Just "nice" to the BM, things will be fine!

Not-the-mom's picture

I was watching the Today Show this morning and there was an "expert" on talking about how to deal with the BM of your stepchildren.

According to her, we just need to be "nice" to the BM and things will go smoothly. :O Yeah, right! Blum 3

I tried that, and it didn't work. For example at my SS's high school graduation open house - despite the fact that the BM had sent us a "bill" for $1,000.00 for my DH's "share" of the party (which he was not consulted on anything), and that the BM had put a push-pin through the forehead of my DH in EVERY picture that my DH was in with his son, I still complimented her on it being a very nice open house, and congradulated her on her son's graduation, and told her that she must be proud of him. Later the BM felt it was appropriate to sing along with her bitter old divorced women friends on the Karaoke "I've Been Cheated, Been Mistreated....." at her own sons graduation party! :O

How do you deal with a psycho like that? Being "nice" doesn't work when they are crazy!

Not-the-mom's picture

She did say something about the skids, and it was similar. She was acting like it was all OUR responsibility as the "newcomer" into the family to do all the work so things will go smoothly.

They had a couple on there who have had a happy remarriage for 25 years as the "poster couple" for how remarriage can work out. As the show went on, you found out that the wife never met the BM of her SS until he got married, and that the BM had custody of the child. His parents had gotten divorced when he was a little baby, so he didn't even remember them being married - and the dad had a good relationship with the son. The wife said that if she had it to do all over again, she would have pushed to meet the BM sooner. In my opinion, it probably was best that she DIDN'T meet the BM until later. It reduced the possibility of drama happening.

I am glad their situation worked out, but this experts advice doesn't work in all situations. If the BM and the skids aren't willing to work at it from their end, it is a losing battle. Thus, the need for disengaging. Smile I am being "nice" to myself, and getting the heck away from my skids and their BM. Wink

sandye21's picture

This mentality is a great part of why we have problems with BMs and Skids. Society in general has been promoting the Cinderella complex. All of the responsibility of forming and maintaining positive relationships with BM's and SD's has been completely placed on the SM's shoulders. I can only assume this 'expert' is not a SM herself. Sounds like she didn't search much for the 'typical' step family.

giveitago's picture

I listened, what a crock!
Where do these people live? Cloud cuckoo land? The 'memo' OMG, that in itself was such a huge mess...I still do not know why these people think that the SM has to be the one who makes all the compromises and go round in ever decreasing circles until we all dissapear up our own asses....ohh wait! I do get it!! It's so we can 'also' have our heads up our asses...right??

sterlingsilver's picture

"being nice" just seems like a hall pass for my skids to ask for more and give less, and as for the bm, "being nice" to a psycho only exposes your back, making it a bigger target for her arrows of hatred. IMHO :/

anafiodorova's picture

Wow they were sugar coating it as if it is a fairytale land. I wish it was that simple. You can give love and respect but if you are dealing with people who donot know what these words mean then you have to get out very fast. I liked the fact that they acknowledged that it takes 3 to 7 years. Hm, I wonder why it takes so long if everybody is so "nice" to everybody. And how do you compliment a woman with 9 th grade education that is bipolar and on governemnt support and has never had a stable job because she supposedly has siezures? And her only goal is to get modification for her child support so that she gets more money. Oh, she cannot spell or talk proprer english or hold a conversation without yelling or insulting. I tried the respect but the niceness does not quite work.
I donot think that these women had a realistic view on the topic. Some truths need to be said- it is not easy and it is not fairyland.

workinthruthetoughstuff's picture

I caught the last part of it this morning while flipping channels and was amazed at how easy they make it sound...'check your ego', 'give compliments', 'there are different rules'....They seemed to have forgotten that I am a person too. I deserve to be treated with respect by the people in my life, just as much as they deserve to be treated that way. But I guess after '3 to 7 years' the family will 'work' because we have been successfully beaten down from all directions.

giveitago's picture

Check your ego...yeah right! That translates as 'leave your 'self worth on the doorstep so's they can wipe their feet on you' BAH!!

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

I agree 100% in the cases where you're dealing with a sane, rational person who was raised with manners and common decency. However, the reason a lot of these women are divorced is because they got married to pretty decent guys and they were all along hiding the crazy...bottling it up until they sealed the deal, and then they let it rip. There are no rules to dealing with a person like that, except DON'T. Honestly with most of these women, the sooner you can cut them out of your life the better.

secondwife64's picture

I saw that too! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The main thing those two "experts" accomplished was to reinforce the myths of the evil stepmother and trouble-making second wife. Did you notice that when the woman said to be nice and "not badmouth the mother in your house" the host tried to say something like, "well yeah, but sometimes the ex doesn't get the memo to do the same thing." The "expert" said, "yes, but it is your house, and you should never badmouth the ex in your home." WHA? I couldn't help but think these two "experts" were exes themselves. What a farce. We should all write a note to the Today show to complain and tell them to have Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster on. I did. Here's the link:

twopines's picture

I think if anything, the BM should be nice to ME because when her Twit Spawn is in my home there are often no witnesses...

stired_crazy's picture

The whole nice theory thing is hog wash, The nicer you are the more the SK walk on you because they take you as a sucker, and BM will ALWAYS find a reason to hate you no matter how kind you are.
Obviously they them themselfes have not had to deal with a psycho x-wife and ungreatful SK.
They pcked a topic they honestly know nothing about, and I am NOT aplying chapstick to kiss anyones butt that does not want to respect me.