Help! Slowly loosing my mind!
Hi fellow Steps so happy I came across this page as I need advice and wasn't sure where to turn.
i will give some back story. My stepson is 11 I've been in his life since he was 5. He lived 14 hours away so would only come spend summers here. In September 2018 5 days after we took him home my husband received a call from a child's aid worker saying my stepson was being removed due to physical and emotional violence by his mother. We were in shock! Apparently a social worker has been involved with the mother for 5 years and we were never told anything. My husband drove the 14 hours to get him and my heart was broken his mother wouldn't allow him to bring any of his belongings. We got him enrolled in school and counseling and his school year went really well. The mother made minimal effort to talk to the child over facetime and when she did she became very hurtful and we had to end the call. The matter went to court 4 times and the last two the mother did not show up so my husband was granted sole custody with no visitation or contact with the mother in July 2019. Up until this point being a stepmother was hard but we were working with the child to help him over come everything we endured. As the court documents started to come out we were able to see all of the social workers notes and everything he endured and it is heartbreaking and should have been removed years ago.
my parents, grandparents, aunts etc treated my stepson as he was my own and they went above and beyond to show him support of a big family. He is still very close to my parents and chooses to go there instead of my in laws.
About me, I work for a government bureau my job is demanding and stressful and most times requires my to work in the evenings from home. My husband works 12 +hour shifts on rotation so he is gone early morning and gets home an hour before my stepson goes to bed. My stepson is with my before and after school so I've had to step up in a big way. My consists of being up at 4:50am I see my hubby off to work, get myself ready check emails clean up etc before I get my stepson up for school. I drop him at school, go to work, come home at lunch to take my dogs out, finish my day at the office, pick my stepson up at school, spend the rest of the time before bed doing homework, supper, walking the dogs, cleaning etc. Once hubby is home he spends about an hour with my stepson and puts him to bed. I then get back into my work finishing things up and it's between 10-12 when I get to bed. On days my husband is off he does the school routine.
i always wanted a career was never really sure I wanted kids. Now I have my 6 figure career and I'm a step kid and having trouble balancing both.
my stepson the first year we was here, we had a handful of rules - be respectful, pick up your things, it is ok to make mistakes but always apologize and make it right, give everything your very best effort. The first year went great it was an adjustment but we managed. In July 2019 when we were granted sole custody we were all so happy including my stepson as he was worried he would be made to go back with his mother. Shortly after, he started disrespecting me, not listening, everyday there was a blow up. In September he started middle school he is having troubling transitioning from elementary to middle school assignments are late or forgotten, he is struggling to take notes etc. I reached out to the teachers very early on as we want him to be successful and pass grade 6 we try to keep him on track. The teachers are no worried he just needs to apply himself.
since about November his attitude towards me has been horrible I basically can't say anything to him he accuses me of being cranky and growling at him and he has an emotional outburst and goes to his room and the behaviour is never corrected. It's like he resents me. He doesn't listen to anything I say, treats me like I basically don't know anything. I spent all weekend helping with a project that he left until last minute and this morning he said it's crappy and he's not going to get a good mark. I said we put a lot of time into this and he said I couldn't have did it myself I didn't need you.
i know he is a kid and going trough puberty but his comments really hurt me because I go above and beyond for him and I keep getting shit on. If my husband is here he tells him it is unacceptable to speak to me that way and that when he is working my stepson is to listen to me and show respect. We have tried consequences, removing electronic time that is already limited because he came here with a video game addiction we had to do a 3 month cleanse. We try extra chores, we sit down and have family meeting and explain that the behaviour is not nice and is unacceptable. He apologizes says he doesn't know why he treats me that way and it lasts for about a day. It's like my breathing annoys him lol I'm home today because I just needed a mental health day before I explode. My husband and I just celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary but this has such a strain on my marriage because I get so upset and just want my husband to fix it.
Any advice?
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Comments
Well your husband should fix it!
This is his child. He needs to be discipling.
Also, what about an after school program so he is getting energy out in more productive ways? That would have the added side benefit of having time to get a few things done in peace once you get home?
Your DH needs to fix this now. Before you leave him and his problematic son.
Thank you for the comment!
Thank you for the comment! Much appreciated!! He was going to Art class twice a week but his school workload is big I don't know if he could manage both. We enrolled him in French immersion this year and the school made a mistake and enrolled him in English so once they got him transferred he was 5 weeks behind. He just about caught up but does 1-2 hours a night of homework. I am really regretting enrolling him in French as he is exhausted everyday when he comes home. After two years of the mother not being present I can legally adopt him and it's always been my plan but I'm slowly going crazy since he started middle school.
My guess is that the kiddo is testing you
Now that you've got him full time and he won't be going back to BM. It should be expected, given his circumstances. In fact, I would consider it to be a relatively normal reaction.
And the school stuff is completely normal, especially for a boy transitioning to MS. My guess is that he simply didn't learn good school skills when living with BM. This wouldn't be reflected in his academic performance, per se, because in Elementary, they still hold kids' hands. The grip loosens in MS, and you start to see the kids whose parents didn't teach them how to prepare ahead of time, to be self-directed, and other really important steps toward self-sufficiency for school. It might be good to have him working with a tutor, if you all can, to build up his executive functioning skills and build his confidence.
If he's not in therapy, he should be. It sounds like this kiddo has dealt with a lot that he shouldn't have had to.
As for you, OP, literally NONE of this is your fault, nor is it yours to deal with unless you're willing. Agatha is right, that DH should be stepping up to deal with this much more than he is. This is not you not being able to balance kids and career, it's you not being able to balance someone else's tweenager and your career. Normally, when you have a kid, you have 11 years to get used to what that looks like before they're a 6th grade teenager being an a$$ to you. You not only didn'gt have the 11 years, you barely had time to be married before you got the FT SK who has issues. Cut yourself some slack, Lady!
I would recommend that you look into some therapy for yourself, as well. You need a way to relieve stress and work through the mindf**k that stepparenting is.
Thank you!
I literally cried reading your reply because you're right it's not my fault. You are right about his birth mom she did not put effort into school work, did not plan every morning was her yelling to get ready. I am trying to teach him 11 years worth of things he should already know and maybe he is starting to resent me. His BM didn't care what he did, let him play video games all day to the point he lacked social skills when he first came with us then he gets me I have high expectations, I want him to do good in school and have a successful career, I have rules and expect them to be followed I sound like a buzz kill i would hate me too lol.
He is a very smart boy who just needs to apply himself more at school and you are absolutely correct the transition from elementary to middle school is horrific. There needs to be a smoother transition, he went from no homework and school so fun to his whole day is in French, homework every night and projects every week. He is 11 and I can tell he is stressed.
He does go to counseling he has his session and then the 3 of us talk. His counselor said he now sees me as a motherly role so the feelings he has been holding in about his birth mother are being reflected on me. It is a work in progress.
i sometimes let my emotions get the best of me and I do feel like my first years of marriage have been robbed because they have been horrible! Court fees, bs from the mother, etc yesterday we dished out $6000 for braces.
my husband and I have very different parenting styles. I like things to be done when asked and my husband asks our son to do it when he has time which is usually several hours later. Maybe it's the way I was raised but I believe in doing what is asked and being respected.
This comment means a lot because it's all things I know but sometimes need to be reminded.
Part of this sounds like
Part of this sounds like typical teen behavior. I think the age of 13 to 16 is the worst teenage period, I’m going through it for the second time with my own BS15 being a jerk 75% of the time! But really he’s sounds like he’s mad you’re not “Mom”. And his BM isn’t around to do all the stuff you do for him; it’s NOT your fault or anything you are or not doing, but that’s what it seems to be.
Your DH needs to be on him about his behavior. Not you, him. He needs to get him back into therapy, if he’s not already in it... if he is, maybe it needs to change therapists. Or you need family therapy to work through this. He sounds like he’s just angry and he needs to work through it.
I agree he needs to be in
I agree he needs to be in therapy. The transition to middle school is hard, and it sounds like he might have ADHD, and possibly depression. He has been traumatized and abandoned by his mother and that has caused damage that will last a lifetime. Please make sure he's getting the mental health treatment that he needs. That doesn't mean he can't be disciplined, but he's got some serious issues to work through.
As for you - you need to set the limits you need to set for your own sanity. Your husband might need to find a different job so that you are not the primary caregiver in any way.
He's testing you and angry
I think he feels abadoned by his BM and now he's pushing you to see if you'll leave him too. He is also probably grieving that it will never "be" with BM. This is all normal and hurtful and so painful for all of you. I do think he's lucky to have you. You've gone above and beyond and have given up a lot to stand up for this child. You'll have to focus on taking care of you and your marriage as well- don't want to let this suck all the life out of you.
He is likely to come around and love you like his real mom someday (maybe not though) and either way it'll take time, and therapy, and maybe family and couples therapy while you're at it. Agree with not placing you in the primary caregiver role if possible. He needs more of dad. Best of luck - you are a strong and generous soul.