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Stepmom not invited to stepdaughter's wedding

Karen369's picture

My husband and I have been together since 2006 and his children have been apart of my life since then.   they were 16, 13 & 9 when they became apart of my life.    The boys were older and the daughter was this sweet little girl --like I always wanted.    They are all "adults" now.   I say that relunctantly because they were never allowed to grow up by their mother.

My husband and I had a rough 2018 into 2019.   We separated in December, 2018 but have since reunited in March 2019.   

The stepdaughter's wedding is May, 2019.   I am no longer welcomed at her wedding.  I originally was invited but since her father and I separated and reunited, I am not included.    Her father/my husband is suppose to attend his daughter's wedding alone.   On top of this, she told her father the reason being is that I treated her so badly growing up.   That is NOT true.  The part that doesn't make sense is that this never was said until he and I reunited.    

I told my husband he needs to attend as it is his daughter's wedding.   He has been treated horribly by his ex wife and accused of things that he did not do while they were married.   He was always dredding this wedding as he does not like the guy his daughter is marrying.   The groom is a liar and manipulative and has a sick hold over my stepdaughter.   My stepdaughter has not bothered with her father, except on holidays when she feels "obligated."    This has been extremely hard as we both had a wonderful relationship with her at one time.

My husband does not want to attend, and especially now that I can't be by his side as support.   I don't know what to say to him.   I don't want to push either way and I have told him it has to be his decision, not mine.    

Your thoughts?

 

 

 

 

 

hereiam's picture

If he does not approve of the marriage, he should not attend the wedding.

Not to mention that he is expected to attend without his wife. Just rude.

My SD is marrying a guy that we don't approve of, DH is really upset that she is marrying him. We will not be going to the wedding.

Letti.R's picture

It is the right of the bride and groom to choose who attends their wedding.
If they did not invite you, it is their choice.
They have no obligation to invite you or anyone else.

If they invite your husband, it is his choice to attend.
He does not have to attend if he feels excluding you is wrong or he does not like the groom or does not support the marriage.
Nothing above prohibits SD from marrying who she wants and how she wants.
Traditionally, the father of the bride escorts the bride to the altar.
If you husband feels strongly about not going, this can fall to the mother or a brother or whom ever SD chooses.

People make their own choices.
SD has made hers.
Time for you and your DH to make your own without dragging a load of historical baggage into the mix.
There are enough current reason to go or not go.

Dovina's picture

and being a SM. So many of these SD's have a "good reason" to uninvite, not invite, or shun a SM whether it is a wedding, shower, graduation you name it. Special occassions offer so many clever ways to 'put you in your place" As much as this hurts, be glad you are spared a day of agony  realizing you are less than great aunt martha's second cousin who happened to be in town, and was included in family photos. 

I am glad though that your DH is choosing to not be part of the shun fest. 

Siemprematahari's picture

I don't want to push either way and I have told him it has to be his decision, not mine.    

It's his decision and his decision alone to make. There is nothing for you to say or do. He just has to make sure that whatever he decides that his conscience is clear and knows that he made the best choice at the time. It's a decision that he will have to live with and try not to lose sleep over. So he has a lot of soul searching to do as he is the only one that knows what's best for him.

Karen369's picture

I agree with what you are saying.   My husband likes to play the "blame game."   I feel whatever his decision is, it will someehow be my fault.   Last night we had an argument about his ex and his kids.   I am no longer allowed to speak their names in his presence.  And I have a month to go dealing with this before the wedding day.

 

Gimlet's picture

Not allowed to speak their names?  Wow.  The only words I would be saying to him are "Bye, Felicia!"

 

still learning's picture

Your husband is quite the Drama King. It seems pretty obvious that he's stirred up a lot of sh*t and is now blaming it all on you.  You're not allowed to speak their names??? This is some high drama Harry Potter stuff here.  

Rags's picture

Karen,

What the hell are doing remaining in a relationship with this asshole and his toxic spawn?

Move on. Take care of youl.

notasm3's picture

SS34 and his GF have a 3 year old and she is expecting again.  They claim to be "engaged" - but I've never heard of any plans to actually get married.  If they do ever have a wedding I am sure that SS would want DH to be his best man as SS has never had a friend.  Those two morons would probably not even send DH an invitation - they'd just tell him where to go.

I would have no problem with DH going and being the best man - but I would not set foot at any wedding for those two horrid people.  But that's my situation. You DH just needs to make up his mind on what he wants.

 

Jcksjj's picture

Well the only "good reasons" I can think of not to invite dads wife would be if you had a history of publicly causing drama (unlikely) or they barely have room for the bio relatives at the venue (also unlikely). Most likely it's just a spoiled brat move and rude since its pretty well known that spouses are generally invited to those things as a couple. Yes, it's her choice but I find it disrespectful to both you and DH. 

shamds's picture

People can say she has the right to invite whoever but this is your dads wife or long term partner, unless she’s a psycho and causes drama, she should be invited

in our case bio mum is batshit crazy, hubby never wants to see her ever again and where sd is from, her bio dad has to be there to give her away (thats the law of their religion and government), i don’t see hubby wanting to do this because of bio mum and her family threatening to harm hubby and hubby won’t put this aside for his daughter, its the principle that they aren’t nice people to be around and hubby refused since marrying the ex to be anywhere near her family

i see hubby delegating the giving away to ss which is even more hilarious, he’s such an awkward loner.

Karen369's picture

I feel it is disrespectful as well.   It is causing more drama and anxiety for DH and myself.

still learning's picture

I'm imagining SD mentally chopped you out of her life when you and DH separated.  Now that you're back she in no way wants to rekindle the relationship. She justifies her actions by telling stories of how horrible you were to her. I'm sorry, that must be very painful for you to hear.  Unfortunately it is common for even well treated skids to demonize their stepparent.  

The relationship dynamic has changed and your job is to accept it and move on rather than stay wounded and trying to prove how great you were to her.  Close the book on your relationship with SD, that part of your life is over.You're smart to take a neutral stance about DH attending her wedding.  It's his decision and he will be the one to reap the consequences either way. 

To go or not to go is the question for DH but you already know that you're not going so I hope you make some fun plans for yourself.  

Jcksjj's picture

She doesnt have to rekindle a relationship in order to allow her dad to have his wife accompany him to her wedding. She doesnt even have to speak to her if she doesnt want to, although at least a hi I think would cordial given that she is old enough to get married. What's going on in her dads relationship really is none of her business and its not her place to get involved even regardless of how she feels about it.

Dovina's picture

100%

still learning's picture

"What's going on in her dads relationship really is none of her business and its not her place to get involved"

Totally agree and daddee should have kept the issues going on between he and OP to himself, but we all know that likely wasn't the case.  During the separation DH probably recruited SD, BM, and anyone who would listen to his pity party. It sounds like SD is staying uninvolved by cutting herself out of their drama entirely.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Despite us being no contact with his adult daughter for over a decade, she texted my DH asking him to walk her down the aisle. He declined, sending her a detailed explanation of why and what she needed to do to repair the relationship. 

None of this has anything to do with me, and everything to do with DH navigating his broken relationship with his disordered daughter.

This is a time for new beginnings in your marriage, and an excellent time for you to step back from all things related to these adults your DH just happens to be related to. Your DH is taking a stand; this is a good thing, so please get out of the way and let him do it.

 

Goodluck's picture

IF your husband decides to go....search for the most beautiful Wedding Card you can find, and the prettiest wedding gift, crystal vase, candle stick holders. Just something pretty and wedding gift like. Not a bamboo cutting board from Crate and Barrel. Know what i mean. Have it wrapped as beautifully as possible and DH can hand it directly to her.

She will never ever be able to take away your thoughtfulness and class.

Something she should learn from.

Oh, dont expect a Thank You card either.  Again she can not take your thoughtfulness and class away from you as much as she will try.

I am sorry.........she has no manners.

 

 

 

 

still learning's picture

Not sure why BM would be loving extra drama created by her ex husband surrounding her daughters wedding.  That sounds like a bit of projection.  If you want to blame and get mad at someone turn your attention towards your darling husband who likely kicked the hornets nest and stirred up this entire mess.  Was he supportive of SD when she uninvited you in the first place when you were separated but still married?  Perhaps he was the one who instigated it to hurt you and make the separation more final.  Of course he blames it all on her just like he probably blamed the reasons for separating all on you.  You stated, "He like to play the blame game." Your DH is always innocent, it's those darn women (that he keeps manipulating) that are the problem!  

I'm not saying SD is a saint or what she's doing is textbook Miss Manners ettiquite, just realize that DH is the eye of the storm here.  I wouldn't trust him too much if I were you.  

Karen369's picture

You are correct.   He did this damage by telling everyone I had an affair (WHICH I DID NOT).    I had to play hardball when we separated because he refused to allow me to have my clothes and personal belongings.    So because I had to get the court involved, I'm the bad guy.    He and his parents worked together to not allow me to get my personal items.

BUT  BM is all about drama and making herself look like a sweet and innocent one in front of people.  In fact, when they were married she DID have an affair, but that's all forgotten.   She filed ex parte on him numerous times if he was late with child support, but again, his family holds no ill feelings towards her.    

It is sick and I am opening my eyes more and more.    

 

CANYOUHELP's picture

Hahaha...not allowed to speak their names,(if reading this correctly), not going; no problem with that decision now-- period.

My DH would approve (at face value), of any convict his DD beds down with regardless because keeping her happy is the only thing that matters, even sleeping with two at the time did not matter, as history has shown. However, it was shocking he did not attend the wedding to the last jail bird (I told him to go, I wouldn't be around the mess); because of her ultimate insult to HIM;  she asked a different man to walk her this time...Still, this pathetic excuse of a daughter was never corrected, continues to do her daily drugs and of course unwilling to ever work.  At least the current convict provides her shelter; It is not my problem. Somebody will always have to take care of her, it will never be in my home, at least.

I believe 80% of the time SD's do us a favor by not inviting us and even when invited, going is just huge drama.  I would definitely want DH to attend, maybe with enough exposure to the toxins, he will see clearly the mess he has created.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Your husband may have shared information about your marriage/relationship  during your desperation that changed your SF's perception of and feelings about you?

Now that your husband is pleased with you, it is easy  for him to say that things should be as they were before. However, other family members who may have witnessed  his pain and unhappiness may not be as willing or capable of moving back into that business as usual mode.

Sometimes when we are experiencing a very happy event , we do not speak wish to include people that we associate with negativity. The daughter may still  associate you with negativity and pain in relation to marriage.  She may not want that negativity present  on her wedding day.

Her thoughts may  not be logical , but this day is about her and not you. Step back and let her have her day. You had your day when you married and now it is her moment. 

Encourage your husband to attend the event. If he does not go to his daughter's wedding, he will later regret it and in time may blame you for his missing it.

Hopefully,  In time, your relationship with your step daughter may improve and return to its original standing. 

 

 

marblefawn's picture

Wow, imagine how short a wedding guest list would be if it only included happily married people who conjure "happy thoughts" in us! You may be literally the only person in the church!

This is silly. Why should one guest, a stepmother no less, be associated with bad marriage mojo? Unless you beat your husband, cheated on him, abused him, you have no more reason to be associated with negative emotions related to marriage than anyone else!

This is exactly what it appears to be: a reason for SD to pull a power play and cut you out. Don't let anyone tell you you'll poison the whole party because your marriage hit a rough spot! That's so silly!

still learning's picture

DH probably badmouthed OP to SD and everyone he could to gain sympathy, then when he got tired of the game and lonely he went running back to OP.  He expects everything to be just as it was before but he undoubtedly muddied the water.  

My DD and her boyfriend have had an on again off again relationship for the past few months. After this last blow up she told me some horrible abusive things he did to her and there is no way I can ever condone the relationship or be in his presence again.  They are sorta on again but I am done with him.  So I get what you're saying.  

sandye21's picture

It makes sense that DH could have bad-mouthed OP to SD while they were separated.   But I wonder what the situation would be if the roles were reversed.  We all have known couples who have split for a while, then reconnected and gotten married.  Just wonder what would have happened if OP/SM had said to SD, "I want nothing to do with your future Husband because the two of you were separated for a while .  He is not welcome in our home."  You know this wouldn't have happened because there e is ALWAYS a double standard when it comes to SMs!  No, SD isn't expected to suck it up and 'make nice' but good 'ol SM is.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Don't push him to go. If he doesn't want to. He'll go reluctantly. miserable people make others miserable.

Plus TBH even if he was just staying because you were no longer invited. That's super cool as s*** and I hardcore respect that.

anonymousman29's picture

Ha, I bet SS and his girl are going to hit DH up for $$$ to fund the wedding.

Never would I ever fund a Steps wedding or education. It's inviting failure and disappointment.

notasm3's picture

I'd have no problem not ever mentioning the skids' names again.  Since I banned SS34 and his GF from my life I don't think I've once uttered his name.  I sort of cringe when someone has SS's first name.  It's moderately popular.  Not too common but not rare either.  

If those two horrible people ever get married they would not be getting any decent present from me.  I might go into my closet and find some old thing I could toss in a $1 gift bag.  A used ashtray (both heavy smokers) would be perfect.

disrestep's picture

If your DH does not want to go to the wedding, then he should not. Who would want to go to a wedding of someone, and I don't care who they are, (adult child, brother, sister), who has been so hateful toward your DH, his marriage and his wife?

It baffles me that some people believe that "oh it is your adult child, so no matter how disrespectful they are to you, you must attend their wedding." Everyone has a choice and your DH has a choice to go or not. 

Your adult SD is being incredibly rude and hateful by purposely excluding you. That is a game many adult skids seem to play. "Let's exclude SM from whatever we can"  Couples are invited to weddings, it is the proper thing to do. One does not invite only one half of a married couple to a wedding. It is rude. Sure, they can invite whoever they want, but if the couple Is together and married, you just suck it up and either not invite the couple or invite the couple, as a married couple.

Not sure why the mentality is that adult skids get a free pass to exclude the spouse of their bio parent to events. 

Think about it - if you have a party, and you invite other married couples, would you exclude the spouse of one of those couples that happens to be the spouse of your parent? Seriously, when adult skids do this to my DH, it seems to make my DH dislike them even more. And, yes, they are his adult children, but they don't get a free pass.

also, you should be allowed to mention anyone you like to your DH. 

good luck with this

RebeccaN's picture

Married couples are supposed to be invited to things as a couple, especially if it involves family. My SD told my DH that she did not want me & our 2 children to come to her high school graduation, she only wanted him to come. He told her if that is the way she going to be about it that he would not come either, and he didn't go. 

Mountains's picture

...believe your SD’s accusations?  If not, I would not give her or her wedding another thought and wish my DH a wonderful time at the event while I enjoyed my quiet time.  If he does, you have bigger issues to address...

Karen369's picture

He's attending her wedding and giving her $5K .    He says he doesn't want to go and does not like what she has become.  However, his parents have stepped in and told him and the rest of the family (his brother and niece) that everyone MUST go.  DH thought his father at least would understand and perhaps "help" him with this situation his daughter has created.   I am about ready to hang up the towel on everyone in this so-called "family"     Again, I feel alone and aliernated.

CANYOUHELP's picture

He obviously is controlled by his parents to the point he defies his own wife. Take 5 K joint money and go buy yourself something, go on a vacation---do not ask permission, tell him your parents told you you MUST do it!