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Stepmom not invited to stepdaughter's wedding

Karen369's picture

My husband and I have been together since 2006 and his children have been apart of my life since then.   they were 16, 13 & 9 when they became apart of my life.    The boys were older and the daughter was this sweet little girl --like I always wanted.    They are all "adults" now.   I say that relunctantly because they were never allowed to grow up by their mother.

My husband and I had a rough 2018 into 2019.   We separated in December, 2018 but have since reunited in March 2019.   

The stepdaughter's wedding is May, 2019.   I am no longer welcomed at her wedding.  I originally was invited but since her father and I separated and reunited, I am not included.    Her father/my husband is suppose to attend his daughter's wedding alone.   On top of this, she told her father the reason being is that I treated her so badly growing up.   That is NOT true.  The part that doesn't make sense is that this never was said until he and I reunited.    

I told my husband he needs to attend as it is his daughter's wedding.   He has been treated horribly by his ex wife and accused of things that he did not do while they were married.   He was always dredding this wedding as he does not like the guy his daughter is marrying.   The groom is a liar and manipulative and has a sick hold over my stepdaughter.   My stepdaughter has not bothered with her father, except on holidays when she feels "obligated."    This has been extremely hard as we both had a wonderful relationship with her at one time.

My husband does not want to attend, and especially now that I can't be by his side as support.   I don't know what to say to him.   I don't want to push either way and I have told him it has to be his decision, not mine.    

Your thoughts?

 

 

 

 

 

hereiam's picture

If he does not approve of the marriage, he should not attend the wedding.

Not to mention that he is expected to attend without his wife. Just rude.

My SD is marrying a guy that we don't approve of, DH is really upset that she is marrying him. We will not be going to the wedding.

Letti.R's picture

It is the right of the bride and groom to choose who attends their wedding.
If they did not invite you, it is their choice.
They have no obligation to invite you or anyone else.

If they invite your husband, it is his choice to attend.
He does not have to attend if he feels excluding you is wrong or he does not like the groom or does not support the marriage.
Nothing above prohibits SD from marrying who she wants and how she wants.
Traditionally, the father of the bride escorts the bride to the altar.
If you husband feels strongly about not going, this can fall to the mother or a brother or whom ever SD chooses.

People make their own choices.
SD has made hers.
Time for you and your DH to make your own without dragging a load of historical baggage into the mix.
There are enough current reason to go or not go.

Dovina's picture

and being a SM. So many of these SD's have a "good reason" to uninvite, not invite, or shun a SM whether it is a wedding, shower, graduation you name it. Special occassions offer so many clever ways to 'put you in your place" As much as this hurts, be glad you are spared a day of agony  realizing you are less than great aunt martha's second cousin who happened to be in town, and was included in family photos. 

I am glad though that your DH is choosing to not be part of the shun fest. 

Leilene's picture

I’m loving your brutal honesty and transparency. It’s so important for us women who end up in the stepmother role. 

Siemprematahari's picture

I don't want to push either way and I have told him it has to be his decision, not mine.    

It's his decision and his decision alone to make. There is nothing for you to say or do. He just has to make sure that whatever he decides that his conscience is clear and knows that he made the best choice at the time. It's a decision that he will have to live with and try not to lose sleep over. So he has a lot of soul searching to do as he is the only one that knows what's best for him.

Karen369's picture

I agree with what you are saying.   My husband likes to play the "blame game."   I feel whatever his decision is, it will someehow be my fault.   Last night we had an argument about his ex and his kids.   I am no longer allowed to speak their names in his presence.  And I have a month to go dealing with this before the wedding day.

 

Gimlet's picture

Not allowed to speak their names?  Wow.  The only words I would be saying to him are "Bye, Felicia!"

 

still learning's picture

Your husband is quite the Drama King. It seems pretty obvious that he's stirred up a lot of sh*t and is now blaming it all on you.  You're not allowed to speak their names??? This is some high drama Harry Potter stuff here.  

Rags's picture

Karen,

What the hell are doing remaining in a relationship with this asshole and his toxic spawn?

Move on. Take care of youl.

Leilene's picture

Lmao. Is he really expecting you to say that !? So the ex is now “she who must not be named” and the daughter “her who must not be named” ?! You are a grown woman and have full autonomy over your own mouth. Point blank period. He doesn’t get to decide what words you speak...what’s he going to do?? Throw a hissy fit?  

notasm3's picture

SS34 and his GF have a 3 year old and she is expecting again.  They claim to be "engaged" - but I've never heard of any plans to actually get married.  If they do ever have a wedding I am sure that SS would want DH to be his best man as SS has never had a friend.  Those two morons would probably not even send DH an invitation - they'd just tell him where to go.

I would have no problem with DH going and being the best man - but I would not set foot at any wedding for those two horrid people.  But that's my situation. You DH just needs to make up his mind on what he wants.

 

Jcksjj's picture

Well the only "good reasons" I can think of not to invite dads wife would be if you had a history of publicly causing drama (unlikely) or they barely have room for the bio relatives at the venue (also unlikely). Most likely it's just a spoiled brat move and rude since its pretty well known that spouses are generally invited to those things as a couple. Yes, it's her choice but I find it disrespectful to both you and DH. 

shamds's picture

People can say she has the right to invite whoever but this is your dads wife or long term partner, unless she’s a psycho and causes drama, she should be invited

in our case bio mum is batshit crazy, hubby never wants to see her ever again and where sd is from, her bio dad has to be there to give her away (thats the law of their religion and government), i don’t see hubby wanting to do this because of bio mum and her family threatening to harm hubby and hubby won’t put this aside for his daughter, its the principle that they aren’t nice people to be around and hubby refused since marrying the ex to be anywhere near her family

i see hubby delegating the giving away to ss which is even more hilarious, he’s such an awkward loner.

Karen369's picture

I feel it is disrespectful as well.   It is causing more drama and anxiety for DH and myself.

still learning's picture

I'm imagining SD mentally chopped you out of her life when you and DH separated.  Now that you're back she in no way wants to rekindle the relationship. She justifies her actions by telling stories of how horrible you were to her. I'm sorry, that must be very painful for you to hear.  Unfortunately it is common for even well treated skids to demonize their stepparent.  

The relationship dynamic has changed and your job is to accept it and move on rather than stay wounded and trying to prove how great you were to her.  Close the book on your relationship with SD, that part of your life is over.You're smart to take a neutral stance about DH attending her wedding.  It's his decision and he will be the one to reap the consequences either way. 

To go or not to go is the question for DH but you already know that you're not going so I hope you make some fun plans for yourself.  

Jcksjj's picture

She doesnt have to rekindle a relationship in order to allow her dad to have his wife accompany him to her wedding. She doesnt even have to speak to her if she doesnt want to, although at least a hi I think would cordial given that she is old enough to get married. What's going on in her dads relationship really is none of her business and its not her place to get involved even regardless of how she feels about it.

Dovina's picture

100%

still learning's picture

"What's going on in her dads relationship really is none of her business and its not her place to get involved"

Totally agree and daddee should have kept the issues going on between he and OP to himself, but we all know that likely wasn't the case.  During the separation DH probably recruited SD, BM, and anyone who would listen to his pity party. It sounds like SD is staying uninvolved by cutting herself out of their drama entirely.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Despite us being no contact with his adult daughter for over a decade, she texted my DH asking him to walk her down the aisle. He declined, sending her a detailed explanation of why and what she needed to do to repair the relationship. 

None of this has anything to do with me, and everything to do with DH navigating his broken relationship with his disordered daughter.

This is a time for new beginnings in your marriage, and an excellent time for you to step back from all things related to these adults your DH just happens to be related to. Your DH is taking a stand; this is a good thing, so please get out of the way and let him do it.

 

Goodluck's picture

IF your husband decides to go....search for the most beautiful Wedding Card you can find, and the prettiest wedding gift, crystal vase, candle stick holders. Just something pretty and wedding gift like. Not a bamboo cutting board from Crate and Barrel. Know what i mean. Have it wrapped as beautifully as possible and DH can hand it directly to her.

She will never ever be able to take away your thoughtfulness and class.

Something she should learn from.

Oh, dont expect a Thank You card either.  Again she can not take your thoughtfulness and class away from you as much as she will try.

I am sorry.........she has no manners.

 

 

 

 

still learning's picture

Not sure why BM would be loving extra drama created by her ex husband surrounding her daughters wedding.  That sounds like a bit of projection.  If you want to blame and get mad at someone turn your attention towards your darling husband who likely kicked the hornets nest and stirred up this entire mess.  Was he supportive of SD when she uninvited you in the first place when you were separated but still married?  Perhaps he was the one who instigated it to hurt you and make the separation more final.  Of course he blames it all on her just like he probably blamed the reasons for separating all on you.  You stated, "He like to play the blame game." Your DH is always innocent, it's those darn women (that he keeps manipulating) that are the problem!  

I'm not saying SD is a saint or what she's doing is textbook Miss Manners ettiquite, just realize that DH is the eye of the storm here.  I wouldn't trust him too much if I were you.  

Karen369's picture

You are correct.   He did this damage by telling everyone I had an affair (WHICH I DID NOT).    I had to play hardball when we separated because he refused to allow me to have my clothes and personal belongings.    So because I had to get the court involved, I'm the bad guy.    He and his parents worked together to not allow me to get my personal items.

BUT  BM is all about drama and making herself look like a sweet and innocent one in front of people.  In fact, when they were married she DID have an affair, but that's all forgotten.   She filed ex parte on him numerous times if he was late with child support, but again, his family holds no ill feelings towards her.    

It is sick and I am opening my eyes more and more.    

 

ldvilen's picture

Here's a thought. . . while he is busy going to the wedding, you hire a moving truck, load up your stuff, and move on out and up; or, get the house rekeyed (seek out the advise of counsel 1st).  Have him served with papers following.  Think of it as a wedding gift you are giving to the bride and groom, and most importantly, as the best gift you could give to yourself.

sandye21's picture

There was a reason you left your DH in the first place.  What was it?

You seem intent on going back to BM and discounting what DH did to you.  If DH lied about you cheating on him - he could lie about BM cheating on him. 

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Try not to give a ratz arse about what the bio-mom thinks.  As I say......they was trash.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Hahaha...not allowed to speak their names,(if reading this correctly), not going; no problem with that decision now-- period.

My DH would approve (at face value), of any convict his DD beds down with regardless because keeping her happy is the only thing that matters, even sleeping with two at the time did not matter, as history has shown. However, it was shocking he did not attend the wedding to the last jail bird (I told him to go, I wouldn't be around the mess); because of her ultimate insult to HIM;  she asked a different man to walk her this time...Still, this pathetic excuse of a daughter was never corrected, continues to do her daily drugs and of course unwilling to ever work.  At least the current convict provides her shelter; It is not my problem. Somebody will always have to take care of her, it will never be in my home, at least.

I believe 80% of the time SD's do us a favor by not inviting us and even when invited, going is just huge drama.  I would definitely want DH to attend, maybe with enough exposure to the toxins, he will see clearly the mess he has created.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Your husband may have shared information about your marriage/relationship  during your desperation that changed your SF's perception of and feelings about you?

Now that your husband is pleased with you, it is easy  for him to say that things should be as they were before. However, other family members who may have witnessed  his pain and unhappiness may not be as willing or capable of moving back into that business as usual mode.

Sometimes when we are experiencing a very happy event , we do not speak wish to include people that we associate with negativity. The daughter may still  associate you with negativity and pain in relation to marriage.  She may not want that negativity present  on her wedding day.

Her thoughts may  not be logical , but this day is about her and not you. Step back and let her have her day. You had your day when you married and now it is her moment. 

Encourage your husband to attend the event. If he does not go to his daughter's wedding, he will later regret it and in time may blame you for his missing it.

Hopefully,  In time, your relationship with your step daughter may improve and return to its original standing. 

 

 

marblefawn's picture

Wow, imagine how short a wedding guest list would be if it only included happily married people who conjure "happy thoughts" in us! You may be literally the only person in the church!

This is silly. Why should one guest, a stepmother no less, be associated with bad marriage mojo? Unless you beat your husband, cheated on him, abused him, you have no more reason to be associated with negative emotions related to marriage than anyone else!

This is exactly what it appears to be: a reason for SD to pull a power play and cut you out. Don't let anyone tell you you'll poison the whole party because your marriage hit a rough spot! That's so silly!

ldvilen's picture

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly when the "SM" label enters the picture, hypocrisy rules the day;.  Would any 1/2 of a still-married couple ever be disinvited to a wedding?  And, I think that is what a lot of people are forgetting--that SM was DISinvited.  Heck, if everyone knew Uncle Harry screamed at his wife a lot, and they seperated for a while, then got back together prior to the wedding, would anyone have even thought of disinviting Uncle Harry, regardless?  I doubt it.  There may be rare exceptions, but for the vast majority, it wouldn't have even popped into their heads that they could somehow disinvite 'em.  Or, would anyone tell Uncle Harry, after the fact/ day of the wedding, "Umm, we invited you and Aunt Martha to the wedding, but only Aunt Martha is going to be allowed in any pictures."  Uncle Harry and his wife, Aunt Martha, would have been included just the same as any other married couple.  No one would have even thought that they could do otherwise.

However, throw the "SM" label in the picture, and suddenly anything and everything is a possibility to get Evil SM out of the picture.  Most women who get married nowadays despite their age are far from sweet, pure stock.  Many have their own list of BFs that have come and gone from their lives.  For some mothers, the same can be said after the divorce.  Yet, no matter how many times the bride-to-be may have seperated from BFs in the past or mom seperated from BFs in the past, they both still would have had the expectation that if they got back together with their SO, they'd be able to go to any event together as a couple, and still be treated like a couple, and no one would have any problem with it.

SD could have dated Marilyn Manson lookalikes for years, disagreed with her mom on just about everything a mile wide, caused so much angst and embarassment for her mother over the years with her poor selection in men, other fringe type of experimentations, etc. Yet, the day of her wedding, for some odd reason SD will start to think (or be told by others) that she should think about somehow getting rid of her SM in some sort of way after the fact, because even though SM and her husband (dad) got together after the divorce was official, having SM there is somehow an embarassment, and especially for BM.  Gag!  Yeah.  And so many people drink that.

Yet, again, throw the "SM" label in there, and here we are talking about a married couple to boot-SM and dad--and not just BFs or GFs, suddenly it becomes OK to nix SM any time, any where and swat her away.  No rationale needed, other than one completely fabricated. (However, I hope your DH has since corrected the false accusation with his family that you were having an affair.)

ldvilen's picture

I had to look that one up:  "Kondo-ing' is the bizarre practice of ditching a significant other as soon as they don't 'spark joy'. Kondo-ing is the act of removing someone from your life if they don't spark joy."  Great way to cut the wedding list from 100+ to ten, tops.  Maybe a line could to added to future wedding invites to say something like, "Due to Kondo-ing, you may not receive a +1 invite.  Please don't take it personally."  Followed by: "Any and all gifts graciously accepted."

still learning's picture

DH probably badmouthed OP to SD and everyone he could to gain sympathy, then when he got tired of the game and lonely he went running back to OP.  He expects everything to be just as it was before but he undoubtedly muddied the water.  

My DD and her boyfriend have had an on again off again relationship for the past few months. After this last blow up she told me some horrible abusive things he did to her and there is no way I can ever condone the relationship or be in his presence again.  They are sorta on again but I am done with him.  So I get what you're saying.  

sandye21's picture

It makes sense that DH could have bad-mouthed OP to SD while they were separated.   But I wonder what the situation would be if the roles were reversed.  We all have known couples who have split for a while, then reconnected and gotten married.  Just wonder what would have happened if OP/SM had said to SD, "I want nothing to do with your future Husband because the two of you were separated for a while .  He is not welcome in our home."  You know this wouldn't have happened because there e is ALWAYS a double standard when it comes to SMs!  No, SD isn't expected to suck it up and 'make nice' but good 'ol SM is.

ldvilen's picture

Yes, everyone knows it is the bride's day to be a pig if she wants to.  

Maybe the groom should buy 50 pigs to walk her up the aisle just like a groom from Mansfield Woodhouse, Nottingham did for his future wife.  It used to be something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue.  Now it can be something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, and a pig or two to remind me of you.

Somehow that seems to fit now with the “it’s the bride’s special day and she can do whatever she wants” mantra that is out there now.

Leilene's picture

Maybe her husband leaned on family for support and overshared. That’s what a good therapist is for; a neutral, objective party who won’t hold anything against the family member 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Don't push him to go. If he doesn't want to. He'll go reluctantly. miserable people make others miserable.

Plus TBH even if he was just staying because you were no longer invited. That's super cool as s*** and I hardcore respect that.

notasm3's picture

I'd have no problem not ever mentioning the skids' names again.  Since I banned SS34 and his GF from my life I don't think I've once uttered his name.  I sort of cringe when someone has SS's first name.  It's moderately popular.  Not too common but not rare either.  

If those two horrible people ever get married they would not be getting any decent present from me.  I might go into my closet and find some old thing I could toss in a $1 gift bag.  A used ashtray (both heavy smokers) would be perfect.

theoldredhen's picture

Hey, notasm3,

Looking for a used ashtray as a gift? Time to PM 'shesdrivingmecrazyinmyretirement'! She just happens to have a used one from Twit and would be more than pleased to 'pay it forward.' 

disrestep's picture

If your DH does not want to go to the wedding, then he should not. Who would want to go to a wedding of someone, and I don't care who they are, (adult child, brother, sister), who has been so hateful toward your DH, his marriage and his wife?

It baffles me that some people believe that "oh it is your adult child, so no matter how disrespectful they are to you, you must attend their wedding." Everyone has a choice and your DH has a choice to go or not. 

Your adult SD is being incredibly rude and hateful by purposely excluding you. That is a game many adult skids seem to play. "Let's exclude SM from whatever we can"  Couples are invited to weddings, it is the proper thing to do. One does not invite only one half of a married couple to a wedding. It is rude. Sure, they can invite whoever they want, but if the couple Is together and married, you just suck it up and either not invite the couple or invite the couple, as a married couple.

Not sure why the mentality is that adult skids get a free pass to exclude the spouse of their bio parent to events. 

Think about it - if you have a party, and you invite other married couples, would you exclude the spouse of one of those couples that happens to be the spouse of your parent? Seriously, when adult skids do this to my DH, it seems to make my DH dislike them even more. And, yes, they are his adult children, but they don't get a free pass.

also, you should be allowed to mention anyone you like to your DH. 

good luck with this

Mountains's picture

...believe your SD’s accusations?  If not, I would not give her or her wedding another thought and wish my DH a wonderful time at the event while I enjoyed my quiet time.  If he does, you have bigger issues to address...

Karen369's picture

He's attending her wedding and giving her $5K .    He says he doesn't want to go and does not like what she has become.  However, his parents have stepped in and told him and the rest of the family (his brother and niece) that everyone MUST go.  DH thought his father at least would understand and perhaps "help" him with this situation his daughter has created.   I am about ready to hang up the towel on everyone in this so-called "family"     Again, I feel alone and aliernated.

disrestep's picture

You may know this already, but your DH is a jerk. He does not seem to respect you.

Seriously, he HAS TO GO to his hateful daughter's wedding because his mommy and daddy tell him he has to? Is this a grown man or someone controlled by what mommy and daddy are telling him to do? Or, is he using that as an excuse to? 

Your DH is talking out of two sides of his mouth. Telling you he does not want to partake in the wedding and giving hateful D and hateful SIL money and attending without, you-his wife. 

When you separated before, he and his mommy and daddy would not let you in the house to get your belongings. If it were me, I wouldn't of come back. 

When you are part of a family, you should not be made to feel alone and alienated at all whatsoever. A married couple is invited together as a couple to most weddings. Only rude people exclude a spouse on purpose. This whole business of the SM being excluded is BS. 

Just because it is his DD's wedding doesn't make it mandatory that he attends without you or attends alone. It isn't like you just started dating. Your DH has a choice to attend or not. 

No one is forced to attend a wedding just because it is for their adult brood. Oh, he will never forgive himself if he doesn't go is BS. Having to go will put a strain on your marriage, you and your DH. 

The only people it will make happy that he attends is the hateful brood, in laws, and BM. 

You also have choices to make and only you know what is the best for you.

good luck

Leilene's picture

LOL

On a serious note, would that behavior not be enabling the family’s disregard for your feelings? DH is a grown man and doesn’t have to attend the wedding let alone reward a nasty, mean-spirited gesture with 5k. As painful as it would be, in the long run, it may be better for you to leave him if he attends and never speak a word to him again. And you remain disciplined in that decision to never say a word to him. It speaks volumes, leaves a mystery, and will impact his conscious greater than any words. Have a lawyer settle everything. If he attends, he will basically be taking a massive steaming shit all over you and your marriage. You would honestly be better off single with the support and love of your own family, friends , and community than with such a weak, spineless, shady man in your corner, failing to guard your heart. 

CANYOUHELP's picture

He obviously is controlled by his parents to the point he defies his own wife. Take 5 K joint money and go buy yourself something, go on a vacation---do not ask permission, tell him your parents told you you MUST do it!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

He takes 5k, you take 5k.

Curious Georgetta's picture

wants to go to his daughter's wedding, and a good father expects to contribute to the wedding.

His parents and siblings have been this  daughter's family for her entire life; of course they expect  to attend her wedding.

The entire event will last for just a few hours. You have probably  spent more time stressing and discussing this than the actual event will take.

If your husband is not contributing your money or your time to this event, forget about it. Surely, you have both attended events without the other. This day is a day to celebrate the bride and groom. It is not about validating or repudiating your marriage.

Find some fun thing to do with your time and forget about the wedding. Had it occurred during the 3 months that you were separated from your husband, you would not have given it a second thought.

notasm3's picture

No a good father does not always expect to contribute to a wedding.  A good father raises a child who successfully launches and pays for their own wedding. This is 2019 not 1955. 

ldvilen's picture

First of all, the wedding did not occur during the 3 months that the OP and her husband were seperated.  "Had it occurred during the 3 months that you were seperated from your husband, you would not have given it a second thought."  That is not a valid point, because that is not what occurred and not what the OP is reacting to.

Secondly, when you are married, there really is no such thing as your money alone and my money alone.  Just because the label "SM" enters the picture, it doesn't mean that dad and SM aren't really married, to the point of having their funds completely seperated.  Any $$ dad spends affects his wife (SM), just as any money SM spends, affects her husband (dad).  Now, the vast majority of SMs expect child support and yes, even for some of their monies to go to adult-achievement type support such as college or a wedding.  BUT, don't think for one second when dad writes the check that it is dad paying out of the pocket and not SM.  SM is paying plenty, even if she doesn't have to fork over 1 cent.  SM, just by virtue of being married to her husband, has had to deal with having both of their incomes lowered for years due to child support, healthcare, vacays and so on.  This is less money that BOTH she and her husband will have for themselves and for their financial security in their old age.  And, again, just because of the "SM" label, that does not mean that their kitty is getting replenished from SM's ex.  Many SMs, like myself, have never been married before or are bio-free.

I also find it strange that a marriage, a wedding, supposedly has nothing to do with or doesn't have to have anything to do with respecting other people's marriages.  Odd that if SM simply wants to be with her husband at an event, she can so easily be accused of trying to make that event about validating or repudiating her marriage or be accused of over-thinking it; as if SMs alone, are supposed to accept that their marriages can be disregarded and treated however the bride and groom or anyone else so deems.  I can assure you, it would not even occur to the bride and groom to disregard anyone else's marriage.  Heck, even SS's GF of 3 months will probably be seated up front with him in the family section and no one will even blink, because they'll be seen as a couple.  But, dad and his wife of 10+ years!!  Gasp!  They can't be anywhere near each other.  Again, like this is the year 1955 rather than 2019.

Yes, surely both have attended events without the other, but that was their choice.  It was not a choice someone else forced on them.  Big, big difference.

TwoOfUs's picture

Excellently said. 

According to CG...SMs who are “secure” and have a good sense of their own self-worth and are “independent” should never worry about being cast aside during weddings, graduations, birthday parties, family reunions...

What a strange perspective. 

I have an idea. Let’s ask 100 married people how they’d feel about attending an event where other couples are invited to attend as couples but THEIR spouse is explicitly excluded. Let’s just ask how that would make them feel. 

My guess is 100 out of 100 would feel confused, hurt, frustrated...offended and angry. 

But suddenly...if you’re a SM (or a man married to a SM) you’re not supposed to experience any of these completely natural feelings...or else you’re “insecure” and needy. Give me a break.  

STaround's picture

as weddings, re-unions.  Graduations are about the graduate.  Now, a party after the graduation is a social event, and of course spouses should be invited.  

Curious Georgetta's picture

To ask not a 100 people but just the OP, is why is it so important for her to be at an elective event where the hosts do not want to host her and her presence will mar the hosts wedding day?

How is the OP in any way damaged by not inflicting her presence in these people?

According to the OP, her husband told his family that the OP had been cheating on him and that was the reason for their separation. Prior to that occurrence the OP had been invited.

Who cannot understand why the bride ,given the events leading up to the wedding, might not want the OP at her wedding.

A better question for 100 people might be, " If 3 months before your wedding ,your father told you that your SM had been cheating on him and left him" would you want her at your wedding? Perhaps that scenario would give many of those 100 people pause to think.

In any case, I would think that the OP sense of dignity and self esteem would be such that she would have no desire to be at an elective social event that she is not wanted, and her innate kindness would make her not want to spoil someone's wedding day.

Truth be told, no adult needs someone else by his/her side to attend a wedding. In this case, the wife may insist that her husband not go to the wedding,but she can then know that in many arguments the husband will bring up the fact that but for her he would have been at his daughter's wedding. She will win the battle but lose the war.

It seems like unnecessary conflict in an already shaky marriage.

ldvilen's picture

Not necessarily referring to this particular instance, but ‘SM in the back at weddings’ is an excellent example where no one at this wedding is expected to suffer or settle for any less because of a divorce, EXCEPT for SM, of course.  She’s expected to pay a ‘higher price than anyone else at this wedding simply because of someone else’s divorce.  She cannot assume at all that she’ll be seated with her spouse, in couple pictures with her spouse, and so on.  Every other married couple expects to sit and be together as husband and wife.  Unfortunately, SM cannot make that assumption.  

Curious Georgetta's picture

wedding.This was not a case of a step mother being marginalized.

The invitation was rescinded because of the father' telling his family that his wife cheated on him.

This was a family responding to a specific set of actions not some societal view of step mothers.

Not every step mother is a martyr being sacrificed on the altar of societal bias . Sometimes a situation is just what it appears on the surface to be.

Again, I find your marginalization of the civil rights struggle offensive. Denying a race of people their constitutionally guaranteed and protected civil rights, is hardly the same as some perceived  societal impression of step mothers . There has yet to be a step mother who was lynched or battered for being uppity or wanting a seat in the front of the church.

 

 

 

 

disrestep's picture

CG, please read OP's first post on this thread. The reason given by the SD why SM was uninvited to the wedding is because the SD lied about the SM treating her poorly in the past. The SM is being marginalized in this case by the Sd, who has convinced the family SM is a bad person with no help from her DH..

So, it is the SD creating bad press about the SM, so the SM does not attend the wedding, along with a daddy who does whatever his DD wants at the expense of the SM.

Being combative with posters here who "get it" and have experience in similar situations and would like to help the OP get through a situation, does not help the OP out.

Furthermore, I don't find the prior post offensive at all, nor does it's appear to refer to the civil rights struggle IMHO. It is just a fact that many SM's are told to sit in the back of the church-not with your DH.

I am sure that if you look back in history there have been SM's who have been battered or verbally abused for wanting to attend an event together with her DH like every other couple does. 

ldvilen's picture

Oh, good grief.  SMs are invited to weddings all the time, and then treated like total shiatsu once they get there.  But, you wouldn't want to acknowledge that of course.  Because of your posts, I can only assume, you never read any of the comments, including the OP's, but your own or the ones who respond to your comments.

Withought any SM experience, you or any other non-SM, trying to tell a SM how you should or should not act, would literally be like someone who thinks they know what it is like to be a doctor (even tho. they have never been one), trying to tell doctors how they should or should not act or trying to tell them what decisions they should be making.  There is no difference between a non-SM trying to tell a SM what she should do and a non-physician trying to tell a physician what she should do.  

I would never, ever in a bilion years think I know more about space travel than astronauts do, because I am not an astronaut.  I would never, ever in a billon years think I know more about how to treat patients than physicians do, because I am not a doctor.  But, yet, you and many others like you somehow think you know more about what it is like to be a SM than a SM does. Equally ridiculous.  

SMs don't want a seat in the front of the church.  What they want, and it should be simple, is to be treated like their husband's wife--the same expectation that every other married couple has and can assume--that they will be treated like husband and wife because they are husband and wife.  SMs, again, because of marginalization, cannot make that assumption.  A SM can easily go to an event and find herself seated god-knows-where?  At the back of the church away from her husband, having to find her own seat away from her husband, at the barbecue pit of an outdoor wedding away from her husband and other properly seated guests?  Who knows?  These are all just a few of the REAL examples of what has occurred to SMs at weddings on these pages.  Aunt and Uncle Judy and John are in family pictures at weddings and many other married couples are in pictures at weddings.  But, SM may be informed she cannot be in any pictures with her husband or has to sit 'em all out; or, she may be in a one or two that mysteriously disappear later.  Again, REAL examples of what has happened to SMs after they were invited to an event.

And, again, SM's own husband (the ex- or dad) may equally disapprove or be as upset as SM is over her marginalization, but no one ever even thought to seek out his opinion on the matter (such as in my case)--proving that for at least some of these events, dad is seen as pretty much just a prop, a cut-out dad, to be propped up to pose as "dad" and "loving husband" to his ex- for the event.  

And, actually, these examples are precisely what you try to preach--you and so many others--that SM/ dad's wife can somehow so easily just be cut off or seperated from the initial/ "real" family--that dad can just go hang out with his real family any time they want him to, while SM is off doing whatever.  As if, any husband's wife can so-so easily be discompartmentalize from what he, himself does.  In other words, you, like so many others, don't see dad and his wife as husband and wife.  You just think you can snap dad off and do whatever you want with him and his wife/ SM is just supposed to be fine going along with that, even tho. it may negatively affect her own marriage, time, home, other family members and pocket book.  The real key to making a blended family work is to include SM and not exclude her.

THIS exclusion and marginalization is what SMS are offended by.  No other guest is invited to an event, and then treated like shiatsu once they get there just because of their label, SM in this case.  No other married guests have to worry about whether or not they'll be seated together or "permitted" to be in pictures together just because of their label, SM in this case.  The list goes on. . . and, apparently, so does or will the marginalization, because I'm sure after all of this, you and so many others still won't get it.

mapitout's picture

"THIS exclusion and marginalization is what SMS are offended by.  No other guest is invited to an event, and then treated like shiatsu once they get there just because of their label, SM in this case.  No other married guests have to worry about whether or not they'll be seated together or "permitted" to be in pictures together just because of their label, SM in this case.  The list goes on. . . and, apparently, so does or will the marginalization, because I'm sure after all of this, you and so many others still won't get it"

TwoOfUs's picture

Again, I find your marginalization of the civil rights struggle offensive. Denying a race of people their constitutionally guaranteed and protected civil rights, is hardly the same as some perceived  societal impression of step mothers . There has yet to be a step mother who was lynched or battered for being uppity or wanting a seat in the front of the church.

 

Huh? I mean...what? 

Idvilen isn't 'marginalizing' any civil rights struggles. What on earth are you talking about? She's simply referring to the very real phenomenon of stepmoms being made to sit in the back of the church for weddings, being pushed to the side for family portraits, left out of gatherings altogether...etc. 

Also. There has yet to be a step mother who was lynched or battered for being uppity or wanting a seat in the front of the church.

Totally not true. 

This stepmom was shot in the back of the head by her 11-year-old stepson for daring to get pregnant: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/no-new-trial-for-jordan-brown-pennsylvania-...

This stepmom was murdered and robbed by her 19-year-old stepson in a rage: https://www.9news.com/article/news/crime/stepson-arrested-in-burlington-...

Lizze Borden killed her stepmom with an axe...most likely. And got away with it: https://www.biography.com/crime-figure/lizzie-borden#video-gallery

This stepdaughter blamed her stepmatricide on a fictional clown: https://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/indiana-girl-12-killed-stepmom-la...

Stepmoms are at far greater risk of being killed by their stepchildren than biological moms...they are also at greater risk of mental, emotional, verbal, and physical abuse at the hands of the children. Meanwhile, despite decades touting a flawed study showing that the "Cinderalla Effect" makes stepkids more likely than biokids to be killed by a stepparent...more recent research shows this is not even remotely true. In fact, analyzing the last three decades of reported filicides shows that stepparents killing stepkids accounts for 11% of all filicides...but stepchildren living with stepparents are 10-20 percent of the population. So the risk is actually the same or lower than would be predicted based on population percentage and no greater than the risk with bio-parents:

https://news.brown.edu/articles/2014/02/filicide

(Sidenote: I am irked that 99% of filicides by stepparents are actually committed by stepdads...yet we call it the "Cinderella Effect" in reference to a story about an evil stepmother. Go figure.) 

So...yeah. Stepmoms have been "lynched and battered" actually. They are, according to all statistics, the most vulnerable member of a blended family unit. And no one seems to care. 

 

TwoOfUs's picture

Oh yes. 

Isn't that the lesson for all stepmoms everywhere? How dare you "inflict your presence" upon us!!!!

Curious Georgetta's picture

To ask not a 100 people but just the OP, is why is it so important for her to be at an elective event where the hosts do not want to host her and her presence will mar the hosts wedding day?

How is the OP in any way damaged by not inflicting her presence in these people?

According to the OP, her husband told his family that the OP had been cheating on him and that was the reason for their separation. Prior to that occurrence the OP had been invited.

Who cannot understand why the bride ,given the events leading up to the wedding, might not want the OP at her wedding.

A better question for 100 people might be, " If 3 months before your wedding ,your father told you that your SM had been cheating on him and left him" would you want her at your wedding? Perhaps that scenario would give many of those 100 people pause to think.

In any case, I would think that the OP sense of dignity and self esteem would be such that she would have no desire to be at an elective social event that she is not wanted, and her innate kindness would make her not want to spoil someone's wedding day.

Truth be told, no adult needs someone else by his/her side to attend a wedding. In this case, the wife may insist that her husband not go to the wedding,but she can then know that in many arguments the husband will bring up the fact that but for her he would have been at his daughter's wedding. She will win the battle but lose the war.

It seems like unnecessary conflict in an already shaky marriage.

ldvilen's picture

Repeat.  This is what I think so few non-steps get about being a step-parent.  They all think it is so-o simple to suck it up and take it “once in a while” for the bios or kids, in particular.  What’s wrong with going out to din-din w/BM?  What’s wrong with BM and DH having impromptu side meetings?  What’s wrong with BM trying to sit between DH and SM whenever they sit together at family events?  What’s wrong with SKs, young or old, wanting just BM and bio-dad (sans their spouses) to attend an event?  What’s wrong with one of the SK’s getting married and the entire event being geared around BM and bio-dad acting like the divorce never occurred and it is the good ol’ days, while SM can be and often is figuratively locked in a closet for the event?  I could go on and on listing these “once in a whiles” and easily create a list longer than War and Peace.  And, no permission is really needed to do this.  DH/ dad and SM, especially, is supposed to just suck it up and take it.

It’s supposed to be all for the child’s sake, expected (demanded?) from SMs, and so on.  First of all, DH and BM were the ones who got divorced and chose to do so, regardless.  SM, 90% of the time, had no involvement in the divorce whatsoever.  So, why is SM always the one expected to suck it up and take it?  Since when does some one or two make mistakes, want out, get out, and then a third party who had absolutely nothing to do with these mistakes at all, gets to pay perhaps the highest price of all for it in the long run, while the one or two who made the mistake to begin with, get off relatively scot-free and get to have their cake and eat it too?  I think most people would say that sounds more like a con job, than anything else.  And, it certainly doesn’t sound like a basis for a relationship. 

Yes, if a SM wants or chooses to suck it up and take it, fine.  But, no one, no one has any right to act like every SM should be sucking it up and taking it, as if SMs are little girls with little girl brains who don’t know any better and need to be told what is and is not appropriate behavior for them.  As a matter of fact, for some people, SMs appear to be so dense that even though they have never been a SM before and have zilch experience, they feel they have every right to state how one should act and have no problem ripping into a SM whenever they so deem that she behaved inappropriately.

Whether or not anyone THINKS SM shouldn’t let it bother her is beside the point, and we get this all the time from non-steps—“Silly.  Just don’t let it bother you.”  What is the point is that SM is one of the innocents in the divorce along with the children.  She didn't ask for it.  BM and bio-dad get away with far too much sometimes, while SM and the SKs are left fighting over the scraps.  Getting a divorce is easy-peasy in the US now (you can get one online for about $129), but where does that leave our children, AND where does that leave our step-parents?

THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU MAKE NICE WITH A MAN WITH CHILDREN.  You could wind up having to contend with more fallout from the divorce than either mom or dad ever did or ever will.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Well, OP, here is my 2 cents.  Just leave it alone and I know how hard this can be do to.  Let your hubby figure out for himself if he is going or not.  Don't let him use you to make his decision cause trust me, you will get the blame later one way or the other.

I know it is hard to feel left out.  Been there myself and it is not a good feeling.  But try to just go on with life as though the wedding was never happening.  Just don't even bother thinking about looking at wedding pics or hearing about it.  You were not invited so you have every right to decline.

Dunwiththem's picture

There was a reason/s you serarated.
He has 'commanded' you don't speak their names.
This man has probably 'bad-mouthed' you during the separation.
He wants the comfort of a married life without addressing your distress.
Do you really want to be with this man?
Do you trust him with with your happiness? 

Leilene's picture

Discarding the relationship. Being a stepmother is already enough of a battle without your hubby bringing you additional battles via his child and ex 

CLove's picture

So - Im wondering how separated your finances are? is this money coming out of joint account? Or is it his to do what he wants with?

Im currently in this situation, where husband has started giving money to his adult daughter. Who has verbally abused both of us.

mapitout's picture

If he's saying he doesn't want to go and goes anyway, I would wonder if his words were to placate you thus making it easier for him to come home to you.  

IMO 

Cbarton12's picture

If he claims he didn't want to go but goes anyway, then he clearly lied. He is a grown man and grown adults don't let others dictate their decisions. And I would be royally pissed if my husband was contributing $5k to a SD that was clearly ungrateful and spread lies about me. 

RunnerGirl55's picture

THe SD is looking at her own wants/needs rather than taking into consideration of other.   She should know it is important to the DH to have his wife (SM) accompany him and to reject that idea is completely disrespectful.    If its important to him to have you attend, she should welcome you to the wedding.   My SD graduated earlier this year and my DH asked her if i could go to the graduation.   She said there were only two tickets, and her BM was the other attendant.  So i couldn't go, which i can understand - If that was the truth.   But honestly i do question if there really was a limit of only two tickets.   Easy way to reject my attendance.    However DH decided not to go and said we would visit her at a later time.   

Suemm44's picture

My sd gets married Saturday this week! Read up on my posts bc I have to get ready and leave the house.

we did not get an invite. I will not go to wedding period. The sd has really made up stories, never really sees her dad unless it’s money or fixing the car he bought . 

‘Months ago she sd had opportunity to be nicer and talk to us and it was not important. She said she doesn’t owe me an apology.

so, it’s ok she is who she is. I can’t make her like me, I never done anything to the girl except be her dads lady. I’m referred to as “her” lol

 

i was faced with some things last night so check out my topics. Things have just repeatedly and steadily worsened over the yrs. and really I can’t be nothing but a zero so be it then. 

‘I do matter , you matter and if your dh and my dh both said they fear it /the wedding then let him decide.  My dh can’t eat his words and boundaries bc if he does then he’s going bk to Disney dad/ his words